Unwelcome guest

"Not even a kiss for good luck?" he asked as he packed up his truck.

"Good luck," I choked, kissing him on the cheek and hopping into my own car before the streams of tears rendered me blind.

It wasn't the good-bye I anticipated, mostly because we've been fighting on and off for the last month. The wild consummation of our last night together was more like a gigantic fight ending in a yelling match. 

The rehash of his past crimes and offenses was a defense for my own inability to verbalize my anxiety and fear of him leaving, not just because it's six weeks or two months or however long it will be. But because it's a warzone.

Pictures of killed soldiers flashing every fucking day on my screen.

Sgc First Class, Afghanistan. 1st Lt., Afghanistan.  

With each trip he took, there was always the knowledge that he'd come home in a few days, weeks even. And so the challenge and burden of caring for all of us was not as heavy.

But Thanksgiving seems infinitely far away.

The hope that gets me through life as a pilot's wife doesn't seem to be springing eternal just yet.

And even after only a few days, this deployment is wearing out its welcome.

Comments

[Army Mom]

Sending you encouragement and support. I know what it's like...

Hang in there!

[Aimee Greeblemonkey]

Lord, that sucks.

[MDTaz]

Makes that fight we had about closing the cupboard doors seem pretty ridiculous...

Courage.

[Taylor]

My dad was a pilot when I was growing up and even though I was 5 at the time, I still remember the day he left for a 6 month cruise in the gulf. Even being so young and not understanding the extent to which his safety was being threatened, the feelings were very real. It's something nobody should have to go through. Hopefully, like the other readers have mentioned, the time apart will make you both stronger.

Best,
Taylor

[Mom101]

Love, support and white light coming from NY to Atlanta, and then rebounding off over the Atlantic straight to Afghanistan with only a brief detour in France for some really good wine. Because love, support,and white light aren't nearly as effective without wine. Trust me.

xo

[Holly]

We named it PDS(pre-deployment syndrome). It does suck! And it hits both spouses. They try to detach themselves, and we try not to think about it until we have to. At least that is what I do. And then drink alot of wine to go to sleep with all of my pillows. Just think about the new outfit you are going to fit into when he comes back. And all the extra money you will get for him being gone and plan for a getaway when he comes home.

[Belle]

So sorry you have to play with waiting game. My cousin is in Afghanistan and for a while, he was kind of out of sight and out of mind (I'd only think about him too much when he called or emailed) and I didn't spend too much time worrying. And I don't know if I recently started paying attention or if the news is getting worse, but now I can't keep him out of my mind. Wish there was a way to deal that I could tell you... or that I could be helpful at all. Good luck to you though, and tell your husband that your readers thank him for his service!

[caramama]

I hope the time passes safetly for him and quickly for you.

[jaelithe]

I am not a religious person. At least, not in any organized sort of way. But I'll be praying for your husband's safe return, every day.

And no matter what you see on the news, please don't let yourself forget that most of our brave men and women DO come home safe.

[julie]

You should send him this post. I'd say he probably knows how you feel, but men can be dorks about this kind of shit.

We're all here for you.

[Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com]

HUGS.

That is all. Big, big hugs.

[Oh, The Joys]

Let me know if you need anything - even if it's just company.

Thinking of you...
J

[Sasparilla]

I am nearing the end of a deployment and we fought hard too right before he left... and yes I do believe it was because it was easier to be pissed then sad. And now I am less then a month until he comes home and I can feel the anxiety building... Are we going to be able to pick up where we left off? Is he going to resent that I put up curtains when he was gone? Is he going to be upset that I didn't take care of this or that? Deployments are hard... but I love him... and he is worth all the worrying!

[magpie]

I wish you luck - I can't imagine what it must be like.

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

You've reminded me of Dorothy Parker's short story "The Lovely Leave", the difference being that you can be honest with us about how you're feeling.

[muskrat]

I didn't sleep at all either night before I went. Despite the pills.

[Nel]

I am SO sorry that you are going through that right now. Thanksgiving will be here before you know it.

Keep you head up and try to keep yourself occupied. And keep blogging because I LOVE reading it.

[KimW]

I was an Army brat, then joined the air force, then married a marine. Deployments were just "how it was". DH had the kind of job that involved going to fun places like Haiti, Bosnia and Somalia.
The weeks before and immediately after departure are tough on everyone. Fighting is soooo normal.
Re-entry after a long period is just as hard in a different way. But, there's no sense in worrying about that now.
In the meantime, keep in touch with DH as much as humanly possible. It may be kind of old-fashioned, but write him a letter at least once a week. Toss in a few scribblings from the kids. Make it a ritual so they stay connected with him and he stays connected with you (and them). Do this even if you get to talk on the phone, e-mail or talk via sykpe. Trust me. It will make the re-entry easier for you, the kids and DH.
If you can find a readiness group to belong to, do it. Having people around who just "get it" is kind of nice (even if you disagree with them and they seem like crazy people).
Good luck.

[amanda]

I cannot fathom the push and pull. I loathe Thanksgiving, but will approach it with new gratitude and, in particular, wishes for its swift and joyous arrival for your family.

[amy]

Oh that must be so hard :( I'm so sorry. Hang in there.

[carosgram]

I have to say I am in awe of the women who wrote about their husbands deployments on this blog. Their generosity and wisdom is amazing. It makes me proud not only of the people serving in the armed forces but also their families. Thinking of all of you and wishing you the best

[Liza]

Transitions full of stress just suck. We fight through them all and Jill isn't even going anywhere dangerous.

I am so sorry you have all these additional layers of stress. I'll be thinking of you, and your huz.

[just beth]

You are truly amazing. And capable (even though it's not a...sexy... word).

xo

b.

[Bill]

Boy, the whole deployment thing sucks. I wish there were something more I could say (or do) that could help... Just know that we're sending good thoughts your (and your huz's) way.

[Karen]

Having been through many deployments and TDYs, I can tell you that it gets easier with time and once a routine is established. My husband is preparing for yet another deployment. He will be leaving soon after our first child is born. Thankfully, this one will only be a year so not much time will be lost. It is important to not exist in a world of self-pity. I think I am incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to experience the range of emotions an Army deployment can bring. Our relationship is the definition of strong due to the extreme situations we have endured...friends dying, deployment extensions, close calls, and wonderful, beautiful homecomings.

I wish you luck during this deployment. It can be a wonderful opportunity for you and your family! :)

[Christina]

I can't imagine the stress you're going through. Hugs to you, and here's hoping this year's Thanksgiving is far more meaningful than just getting together to eat some ugly bird.

[Kitty @ katscradle]

:( I'm sorry, I can't imagine what you're going through. I grew up near a base so all my friends at school were constantly talking about their deployed parent and having to move. I'm so proud of our military and so thankful that they sacrifice so much for our country, because I know I could never do it, my DH and I have had that conversation and he knows it's not an option. I'm grateful it is optional in this country, and I have infinite respect for those who serve and their families. Thank you.

[Dawn]

I hope time flies and he comes home safe and sound. Good luck to you and your family

[Lara]

Aw, K. I'm sorry. I'll be sending lots of loving thoughts to your whole family.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

Sorry for the stress this has caused you all. May time truly fly.

[Angela]

I grew up a military brat, and I can tell you from experience that the weeks before and after a deployment were never a piece of cake for my parents. Or for us. What really surprised me the most was the awkwardness that was his return. It was like he was that 5th wheel that needed to be put back into our family. And I hated that for him.

I think his deployments were the times when my mom changed things around the house. New furniture, new paint, reorganized kitchen. Hell she bought and sold a house during one deployment. I realize now that that was how she was dealing with the anxiety. All those changes made it harder for my dad. I distinctly remember the fight that occurred because he couldn't find the cereal.

I wonder if they ever realized that the fighting wasn't so much about the other person or what they had or hadn't done, but was about the fears, frustrations and anxieties that come with every deployment. I'd like to think that they did. Somehow I don't think that was the case.

Is it even possible to try and forget how you left each other? Just make the return a fresh start?

[psumommy]

I can't even imagine what you're going through. I wish there were something I could do to help you out...if travelling helps, you are more than welcome to come here and hang out if it helps pass the time.

[Amanda]

@Cody & @hollygee -- you're exactly right. Fighting before a deployment is so common but seems like such a dirty secret. Its so much easier to say goodbye when you're pissed than when you're not.

Wishing your hubby a safe return and wishing you a speedy deployment. Keep busy and make good use of your babysitter!

[Katie]

Nine times out of ten, if I am angry, it is actually a manifestation of some sort of fear.

You are not alone.

Just make sure your husband knows you love him. He is probably scared too.

[VDog]

Hugs, honey.

[Cody]

I know it doesn't sound comforting, but fighting and arguing is something that just has it's way of coming up before a deployment. Do you guys have a family readiness group? Go here, this helps http://www.3maw.usmc.mil/FamilyReadiness/macg38/docs/DeploymentHandbook.doc

[Corey]

I know it's no consolation. But my dh and I do it every single time, too. What's just as bad is that we do it every time he comes home, as well.

Why can't the partings and the comings together ever be as lovingly sweet as in the movies?

[Manic Mommy]

Safe returns.

[Secretia Teller]

It is a sad way of departure. But their love will bond them while they are apart, I hope!

Secretia

[hollygee]

I doubt if this will help, but the fight is a more common reaction to deployment than not. In the town supporting a Naval Air Station where I lived, big fights in the families in which one of the spouses was about to leave on deployment to a flight carrier were more normal than we would think.