Since my husband's been gone, I've cleaned poop out of the tub and off the floor. And I won't even say off where I've tried to clean permanent marker.
Then it was the series of bathroom products, including Sarna Lotion (have you smelled that shit?) and toothpaste, off my daughter's sheets - that after I had already washed them just to wash them.
So much for being proactive.
I found string cheese in my silverware drawer and a ball of lox (yes, lox) in the toy bin.
And to top it all off, my son, the evil culprit in this scheme to break me before the month's end, decided to turn himself into a tiger using a black whiteboard marker.
I practically thanked him for using something that I could wash off with a washcloth.
I do my best to start the day with patience, you know, the whole "yell when I'm happy, whisper when I'm mad," but after the third shit pile and the carpet permanently inked with toddler scribblings, I'm beaten into submission.
I have yet to find the one thing that actually works, other than give him my complete and constant attention or stick him in front of the television for the entire day.
The whole 123 Magic is a little complicated when the negative behaviors are coming so rapidly that I don't even remember what number I'm on.
"Wait, I think I was on one now three, oh shit kid just go to the corner."
After giving stickers and taking toys, last night I finally had to put him back in his old room, in his empty crib, in the complete dark and let him scream for a solid 10 minutes so I could scrub toothpaste off my daughter's sheets.
His nearly three-dom ebbs and flows, from entertaining chatter to constant, almost to-the-minute battles, where within seconds unattended, he's wrestling and nudging one or both of the girls.
Cue screaming, shrieking, and the under-5 super duper lightweight bout in my living room.
I realize I need to pay more attention to my Cesar Millan approach with him - you know, walking him until he's butt tired and all he can do is submit.
But that's hard when it's pouring outside and you've got two other kids and you actually need to get a little bit of work done.
Hell, I'll take even one coherent uninterrupted email.
I'm doing my best to unplug, even though much of what (and who) is keeping me sane these days happens to be online.
And I want to savor this time we have together because all too soon there will be no messes left to clean up and the only artwork he'll have on his body was tattooed on by some guy name Joe-Bob.
All I can say is that it damn sure better say "Mom."
There's this British TV show about a family. They live in an old fashioned town house, 3 floors and an attic converted into Mum & Dad's room.
The Mum is always asking boy# 2 to get the letters off the desk in her room. Then, oh my goodness, she needs stamps, from her desk. And then, she dares him to do more sit-ups or press-ups or whatever excercise his tween-age brother is doing. (The tween brother is trying desperately to look more manly than possible at his age.) The younger brother easily beats his brother, but both he and his parents continue to egg the younger on to higher and higher counts. Then they send him up to the attic on some other errand.
We are already adopting similiar tactics with our 2 and a bit year old.
Posted by: mom, again | October 21, 2009 at 11:46 PM
A divorced friend's youngest son needed socks, but all he could find was a black Sharpie. That's probably all I need to say.
Posted by: Mike | October 20, 2009 at 09:30 AM
My friend's wife once scooped poop out of the tub with the hair rinsing cup, sat it on the back of the toilet in the kids' bathroom, and forgot about it. For days. Because of that story, I'm tempted to have my kids wear swim pants in the tub.
Posted by: Angie | October 16, 2009 at 04:59 PM
Just found your blog and love it. I had to laugh at the tattoo comment. My boys are 4, 2, and 1 and some days I want to go hide in the closet. Or under my bead. They excel at making messes--a highlight was when a 2 year old, fresh out of the crib and into the Big Boy Bed, found a jar of Vaseline. He greased up the walls, the sheets, the hardwood floors, and even the doorknob. Ironically, it was the greased up doorknob that prevented him from escaping his naptime prison.
You're not alone, hang in there. :)
Posted by: Amy | October 16, 2009 at 01:25 PM
I COMPLETELY understand! I am a Mom to 4 (and due in March). My youngest daughter just turned 3 and I can't leave her unattended for one minute. My kids are fine at 2, but for some reason as soon as they turn 3, they turn into little devils. In one afternoon she drew all over the walls with a black sharpie, flooded the bathroom floor with a whole bottle of handsoap and tried to flush a whole roll of tp, washed the window with lotion and emptied an entire tube of toothpaste on the couch! Thing is she was not unattended. She just happened to do these things one at a time when my back was turned. (Someone has to do housework around here)
Anyway, I enjoy your blog and can relate so KNOW you are not alone!!!
Posted by: Luzu | October 15, 2009 at 12:16 PM
Oh, 3 can be very, very hard...but hang in there--it does get better when they're older & understand things a little bit better, I promise!
Posted by: Asianmommy | October 14, 2009 at 09:25 PM
I feel ya, dude. I sooo feel ya. I watched a Disney princess movie with my daughter today. Yes, things are THAT bad. Oh, and she had a 104 temp. Nice. I'm sending good vibes to you!
Posted by: Zozo's Mom | October 14, 2009 at 03:16 PM
Hang in there! You are doing great! I would be completely bonkers by now if I were in your shoes.
Sounds like you might need surge support. Any reinforcements you can call in to help you with the full-time watching of the handsome tiger?
Posted by: caramama | October 14, 2009 at 02:49 PM
He looks so proud of himself! My little sister, Lucy (now 9) still writes on herself, at least now not on her face. When she was bout Drew's age, my mom thought to snag a nap on the couch while she was watching a movie. Ha. Mom finally woke up when Lucy was giving her 'eye shadow' with a crayola marker. Yeah, washable my ass. Mom's hands, arms, chest and face were covered in Lucy's doodles. At least she picked a nice mauve for here eyes.
Posted by: Valerie | October 14, 2009 at 05:25 AM
PS - my point was... it's okay to be broken...
Posted by: Naomi Momosis | October 14, 2009 at 02:24 AM
Hey, I've been reading awhile and I'm jumping in with my first comment.
My boys will be 3 and 4 this month. And we've had a lot of extra stuff going on. And today was harder than usual. I held calm and steadfast for a good part of the day, but about 2 pm I snapped and hollered and we all had to regroup.
It's an emotional time for you and the kids, as if that isn't the understatement of the year. Sounds like they are really letting you know things don't feel right. I've been experiencing that lately.
Through all my crap and crud and therapy that came along with my mothering story, one of the biggest things I've been learning is to stop and acknowledge with the kids that I feel sad, or tired, or worried. And how are they feeling? And how can we help each other?
I grew up with the idea that I had to protect my kids from ever seeing me that way, but now I'm learning that that's bullshit.
It's still a madhouse over here, but it helps me keep from wigging out so much if I remind myself that they're dealing with a lot of crap too.
Thanks for sharing, I enjoy reading your entries.
Posted by: Naomi Momosis | October 14, 2009 at 02:23 AM
I am not even lying here. I have a little boy just his age. We have a park with a mile and a half walking trail. I put the baby (our 10 month old) in a stroller and let him run. As much as he possibly can. We go all the way around the track. He has the option of stopping or riding on the stroller (I'm not a psycho). But mostly we run... AND HE LOVES IT.
It has done worlds for him. I highly recommend the Dog Whisperer approach.
I walk my toddler and I'm not afraid to admit it.
Posted by: Katie | October 13, 2009 at 11:56 PM
I'm sorry, but I laughed my ass off when I looked at that picture. He looks hilarious and believe it or not, when your hubby comes home you look back at that picture and laugh. Send it to him if you can , it will make him laugh at a time when he needs it :) Life is rough for you right now, I had 3 boys under the age of 5 at one time I feel your pain, although I never had a husband in the service. Now my brood of 4 are 14, 11, 10 and almost 6 and I almost miss those funny things they used to do. Almost... LOL
Posted by: Ruth | October 13, 2009 at 06:51 PM
I'm with @the_new_girl TV will be a good thing for the next 2 months. Then after that you can unplug it :)
Posted by: Carrie | October 13, 2009 at 04:49 PM
I think he looks adorable and I would leave him inked for at least a week!
Posted by: Hyphen Mama | October 13, 2009 at 04:09 PM
I am feeling for you, friend. And I love the savoring the moments, yo, but for real? Your husband is in a war zone and uh, SO ARE YOU.
Keep your fucking head down.
And the TV ON.
xo
Posted by: The New Girl | October 13, 2009 at 01:50 PM
Lox in the toy bin? That must have been way stinky.
And please, Mominatrix, you trying to tell me you don't have a set of restraints hanging around?
Posted by: julie | October 13, 2009 at 12:34 PM
This is what Three is like for me...he's the one constantly getting into stuff. And then getting into MORE stuff while I'm cleaning up the old stuff and when I thought he was in time-out or in his bed. He wears me down. He's very, very lucky he's so cute.
Sometimes, I can only laugh. It has a hystrical edge to it, but if I don't laugh, I'll have a completely mental breakdown. I feel your frustration.
Posted by: psumommy | October 13, 2009 at 12:34 PM
Ugh. Poor thing. Hang in there. He did totally look like a Tiger though. ;o)
Posted by: Keyona | October 13, 2009 at 12:13 PM
This post just reminded me that I forgot to clean the crayon marks off of the one nice piece of furniture we have in the house. Hang in there!
Posted by: Dee | October 13, 2009 at 11:43 AM
Can you put him on the treadmill for an hour? Stick a DVD in and maybe he won't notice that you're trying to wear him out.
Posted by: Karen | October 13, 2009 at 11:33 AM
Oh, boy. Literally.
Posted by: Naomi | October 13, 2009 at 11:25 AM
I think it's best that your son is on the East Coast, and mine is on the West.
Sharpie on the wall? "It's a spider, Momma. Look, spider on the wall."
Trail of cereal? Leading to our bed? Check.
Scream fest? Check.
Anything that looks like a stick instantly making him a Ninja? check.
I get it. I really really get it.
Posted by: Karen (Submommy) | October 13, 2009 at 10:23 AM
I am pregnant with my third son. Ages 5, 2/12, and arriving in 1 month. Gulp. Hang in there.
Posted by: Renae | October 13, 2009 at 10:13 AM
Oh man oh man oh man. Feeling for you. That photo also reminds me of when my younger sister scribbled all over her face with ball point pen. Guess who was charged with cleaning it up. Ugh.
Sending lots of good thoughts for a sh*t free day. -Christine
Posted by: Boston Mamas | October 13, 2009 at 09:54 AM
@Cara - THANK YOU. I will hope that my husband doesn't read this before he gets back so I can clean it!
@patois - Funny, I noticed that as well. He had just gotten his face painted like a tiger (whole face) last week at Sesame Place, so I think he was using that as his inspiration.
Lucky for me, he's now decided to explore his artistic skills - except he doesn't like paper. I suppose you can't limit an artist, however... OY.
Posted by: Motherhood Uncensored | October 13, 2009 at 09:52 AM
I can see where you'd be grateful that it was a dry erase marker.
And, not to be all ignoring your angst and all, but he did a GOOD job making himself look tiger-like. I'm very impressed. Mayhaps he gets his creativity from you.
Posted by: patois | October 13, 2009 at 09:25 AM
I have a three year old who could be your little guy's twin...they must be soul mates or something...
Posted by: Lee-Ann | October 13, 2009 at 09:22 AM
Wow! Sounds like you are dealing with more antics than even Super Woman could handle! Hang in there, you are doing a great job. And I'm with Mary on this one, use that TV when you need to! No shame in that.
Posted by: Jennie | October 13, 2009 at 09:20 AM
Oh, I soooo feel your pain. My 4 year old son is a constant ball of terrifying mischief and I have no idea how to fix it or deal with it.
Here's what I do know though: cheap, non-aerosol hairspray will completely remove Sharpie from carpet. Valentine's day last year my son woke me up with a great present: red Sharpie scribbling on the treads of 10 of our 18 stairs....treads covered with very light beige carpet. After I finished freaking the eff out, I turned to the Internets and followed the advice of many sites. It took several applications and lots of blotting, but after a day you couldn't see any trace of the marker.
So, good luck!
Posted by: Cara | October 13, 2009 at 09:15 AM
I alternate between giving mine full and constant attention and putting them in front of the TV. What? I never claimed to be running for mother of the year. I'm just trying to get through the day. :)
Posted by: Mary | October 13, 2009 at 08:53 AM
You'll never finish cleaning when you have children. So reward yourself whenever you can!
Posted by: Secretia Teller | October 13, 2009 at 08:33 AM
There are only two things that will wear my son out so he's not throwing stuff or kicking his brother's toys or climbing onto the kitchen table, etc., 1) jumping and 2) swimming. My parents have a trampoline solely for this purpose. The downside of both of those things is that by doing them, he's getting stronger and it takes longer to get him tired. Hang in there, babe.
Posted by: Elizabeth | October 13, 2009 at 08:27 AM
They should make toddler-sized treadmills to burn off some of that energy.
My short term strategy is to tell my son to jump up and down twenty times (good for practicing counting too!), but that doesn't keep him occupied for long . . .
Hang in there!
Posted by: Lady M | October 13, 2009 at 06:24 AM
i can so relate! my husband is off on a deployment too. for us, it's the second half, and it feels like i'm starting all over again. by the time i get it all figured out again, he'll probably be home. thanks for sharing your life with us.. it's how i know i'm not alone.
Posted by: dawna | October 13, 2009 at 06:15 AM
My daughter called me into the hallway Sunday to see what her little brother was doing (3 in January) and he found a green marker. His hands were green as were his lips. He grinned up VERY proud at me. I was thankful it was a washable marker and my husband tried to have the "guys don't wear lipstick" talk with him. Boys are soooo different.
Posted by: Stacey | October 13, 2009 at 06:14 AM