How Facebook refucked up my marriage

I reluctantly rejoined Facebook last month after enjoying being completely unconnected to ex-boyfriends, college roommates, and my babysitter.

But since everyone and their ex-boyfriends, college roommates, and babysitters are on Facebook, I had to get myself back into the loop.

This time, however, I made myself unsearchable, and really only use it to promote Cool Mom Picks and the Mominatrix stuff, hoping to maintain a fairly low profile, or at least one that doesn't scream "Hey, all my relatives with my husband's last name! Come find me and read what I write about you on my blog!" which is probably a good idea since it also just so happens that my mother-in-law is on Facebook too.

And as I recently learned, my husband.

Now, I'm not the boss of the internet around this house, but since I never use my husband's (and my children's) last name for anything, I was pretty annoyed to find out that he had since made the leap into Facebook, particularly when he told me that he had not.

But then I found messages he sent to some chick he knew before he was dating me who had sent him a few pretty raunchy emails. I'm not completely sure what category she would fall into on the whole "want to do her, did her, been there done that several times" continuum, but all I know is that there was really nothing significant enough going on for him to need to send her a message.

And I'm not talking about the actual words he wrote.

Aside from the fact that when I asked him if he was back on Facebook he said "Um no, not recently" (which was curious since the message was dated July 25), I found that he had also "friended" someone who had caused us major issues in our marriage back when Quinlan was a baby. A woman who he said was his "friend," but obviously wanted more and didn't care that he was married with a kid.

At one point during their "friendship," which involved being secret gym buddies and confidants - well, secret to me anyway -  I woke up at 3am after we had played a gig at a bar to find him still not home, only to learn that he had taken it upon himself to pick up her daughter from the babysitter and drive her home because this "friend" was too drunk to do it herself.

There I was with a screaming, nursing baby and a husband who was rarely home to help me with his own baby out driving someone else's kid around.

Follow that with an extremely questionable text message the next day and it was clear that the "friendship" needed to end.

So suffice it to say that when I saw that she was a friend on his Facebook page, I was pissed.

I get that we all, at one point or another, Google our exes, or flings, or whoever else we had face time with. But when you click that "Add a friend" button, you're sending a message - an invitation to let someone back in.

Most of the time, it's completely harmless. I've friended ex-boyfriends from college and our few conversations are about our kids. But then again, none of those guys ever interfered with my current relationship. Because if they did, I'd really think long and hard about making them my "friend."

I appreciate all that the internet and social media has done at bringing people together. Hell, it has connected me to many other fabulous people that I would never have otherwise met.

But I think at some level, it allows us to stay way too connected, when in reality, it's much better for some people to fade away.

Or better, just fucking disappear.

Comments

[william2343]

They have since been released from the hospital and after a strange comment on fb, I emailed her. Turns out her husband (of 1 year) is having an inappropriate internet relationship with an ex girlfriend - she found all the emails last week.

[plentyoffish.com]

There is an option in Facebook to choose what you share and what to hide to each specific friend. You can add or accept these people but you can control what they see in your profile. Well social networking really has its advantages and disadvantages. If everything else fails, you can simply BLOCK that person out of your Facebook, or out of your life.

[Smarter Than Most]

anyone using 'social networking' will come to regret it. remember, you read it here first, Sunday, September 25, 2011. you will really, really regret that you gave access to your life to an organization that does not care about your 'personal' information. Share it and it is no longer personal. no good will come from participation in social networking.

[My kids' Dad]

I might have to get my own blog to get this all out. So dissapointed..frustrated..aggravated..hurt. Fucking Facebook. My wife cheated on me - several times -a few years ago. We had access to the same chat and email name from another service. Which she forgot I used too, so it was easy to see everything. It was tough, but we worked it out. 2 kids, focus on big picture, let's handle it & move on.

I hesitated letting her into FB world two years ago. I wanted to trust her so bad... then I let her get one of those Droids, with internet on the phone. I apparently am what's called an enabler...and now we have three young kids.

Two weeks ago I found FB emails & chats of hers.. she has chased down a guy from high school... he didn't even remember her... and unlike the incidents several years ago, I can't quite confirm they have hooked up, but it sure sounds it. Heavy suggestive talk and they have met. When I confronted her, she said she'd had enough and was just waiting to tell me she's leaving. I even work side jobs to help pay debt down - and found she has had babysitters here so she can go out, while I'm pushing 70 hours a week.

And since I do such a great job with the kids and act like it's so easy, she's leaving them with me, but wants to come back and be able to do activities with them.

Unbelievable... And typing this does help!

[Lee Married to Somebody]

Yeah, if I had to sum up the trouble with Facebook it's that you can potentially develop a big social life outside your spouse. Having a social life outside your spouse is not necessarily a massive problem but it could turn out to be especially if secrets start being held and relationships start being hidden. Thanks for the article.

[julia]

Guys always flirt. That's what makes Facebook so dangerous - everything is recorded!

[clk boots]

I find life an exciting business,The point is succinctness of expression.

[cheap ugg boots]

Wise men learn by other men's mistakes; fools by their own.

[heil hitler]

I dont think that facebook is the cause of infidelity after all there are text messages letters sent through post eye contact and other subtle flirtatious methods and of course just plain old phone calls and meeting up with each other when you think no one else is around or thinking of an alternative reason/excuse to speak/vistit to them, eg the tradesman who "accidentally" forets all his tools so he has an excuse to return when the may husbands may be out

[Averyck]

I'm tired of blogs like this. ok, first, to the person posting the blog: Confront him about cheating on you. If he is, drop him. If not, work it out. Discuss it with him, get counseling, anything. Just work things out. Second, to the people commenting on this: Facebook is not to blame. His apparent infidelity is. And if he is slinking around flirting with other women, it's his fault. Not facebook's.

[s]

I hate to sound heartless or sound like that person who says it's easier said than done but, the only reason why your husbands and boyfriends act like this is BECAUSE YOU ALLOW IT. I use to be the girl that was cheated on, I use to be the girl, the girl with the sneaky cyber boyfriend, I even went years thinking that all men cheat. Then one day I smartened up, I realized I will never be in a relationship with someone I can not or do not trust. Currently I have been in a happy relationship over 3 years now. He is the first man I've ever trusted. If this husband or boyfriend of yours will not make the effort to let you know he can be trusted, HE IS NOT THE ONE! There ARE good guys out there, it's you that you have to change, it's you who decides what you are going to put up with. It's you who decides what you deserve! When more women start putting up with less bullsh*t, more men will start shaping up! WISE UP LAIES!

[Kristen]

Oh how I know how that goes...

http://pksmorris.blogspot.com/2009/03/i-forgot-about-her.html

[South of the Border]

Just a quick comment since I am not "really" here reading more blogs, I am cleaning my filthy bedroom so we can find the bed tonight.

I saw a quote the other day that covers it well, I think, and it stuck in my head because it so fits my husband and me: "I'm not upset at the lie, I'm upset that I can never trust you again."

And I love the way "shannoun" says in her comment that her husband "insults" their marriage. Exactly!!!

[Christine]

I am going through this right now... AGAIN. It blows my mind that someone can be so stupid so many times. He knows it pisses me off, he knows it causes problems. He tells me "I didn't think it through". Can someone really be this dumb?

I made a vow for better or worse. This is a worse and I'm not sure if we'll make it through it... AGAIN.

[Lynette]

Ugh. What is with them? Mine has done this exact thing and not that I'm the boss of him, but I SUGGESTED that perhaps he needs to not be on social networking sites like these since he can't use them appropriately.

[Camryn]

I have had the exact. same. problem. He needs to drop that shit immediately and apologize like hell or I swear to some kind of god that I will come and kick his ass.

(Concerning my case, it was him and an ex-fiance that cheated around on him all the time but he was a doormat. He continued to be "friends" sneaking around and talking to each other, bought her a bday gift or two until I blew the hell up and let him know just *exactly* what his options were. He's grown up since, and *we've* grown out of it, but it still hurt. Took me a long time to get over that. But it can be done if there's enough chemistry there/each willing to work.) Best of luck to you. Really.

[Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting]

Oy!

As someone who had this sorta happen once, where a girl who my husband had never dated, found him online and began emailing him, flirting, and him being an extreme dumbass not seeing it, I promptly ask that it discontinue. When I kept seeing the emails coming, I threatened. I won't lie. This chick wasn't seemingly getting the message. I'm thankful she has, since, given it up, because when she did find him again some time later, she was married with child, and no longer seeking him. That was their last contact (couple years ago) and for that I'm grateful.

I completely understand where you're coming from, here. I would be concerned with his need to lie to you about how recent "recently" was, or why the need to friend someone who was trouble. I hope you've talked with him about it.

[Karen @ If I Could Escape]

Oh dear -- don't even know how I would react, but it seems like you're working it out.

[mom, again]

For me, anyway, July 25 would not be 'recently'. In FB or email or other electronic terms, 'recently' is the last time or two that I logged on. July 25 was times and times and times ago. So long ago, I don't even remember whether or not I just checked email that day, or tried to catch up on the piles of stuff in my reader, or went on FB.

[Emily]

This sucks and what he did is insanely stupid at best but I'm surprised how many people are urging you to kick him out. Yes lying is stupid. So is befriending people who nearly destroyed your marriage but human beings do tend to do stupid things and last time I checked stupidity isn't actually grounds for divorce (thank god or my husband would have left ages ago).

Only you know your marriage in and out and only you really know how serious this is. Marriage isn't a static thing and the workload is never equal, sometimes we waver from the center and need to be reminded to come back.

You are an incredibly strong woman and whilst I send you virtual strength I already know you'll do whats best for you and your family.

[Christina]

Having gone through the non-digital version of this, I can say it sucks.

Tell him if he wants to really make it up to you, he can stop being a dumbass, unfriend her, and be honest with you in the future. Many men don't seem to get that lying about it is nearly as bad as the actual transgression. Lying just doubles how pissed we are.

[Help My Marriage]

My my. If I were in your shoes you'd be hearing a shotgun being pumped right about now.

But seriously, you just have to be level-headed about these things. If not for Facebook, you would not have found out about your hubby's "extra-curricular activities".

Does he still have a chance? Take a deep breath, close your eyes and try to quiet your emotions then think. If the answer is yes, there is always marriage counseling.

[Sara Bonds]

This is my first time visiting your blog. I am sad to read this. It sounds like you are not real worried about it, just pissed. Are you worried? I, for a moment, put myself in your shoes and it sucked.

I think anyone can be truly friends with their exes, hell even old flings. I am close with several of mine, and my hubs is fine with it. He has even met a couple of them.

I think the key is that the communication truly is only on a friendship level, and if there is going to be a friendship that we are completely open and honest about that friendship with our significant other.

I wonder why he wasn't honest about it all? That is the part that would kill me, the lack of honesty.

[Kelly]

Just started reading your awesome blog and I LOVE IT!! I love reading real things, real feelings, I love it!!!

[Backpacking Dad]

Do you want help? Advice? Pictures of puppies or firemen?

I hate reading the comments that tell you not to trust him, or to talk to him, or to blah blah blah. I don't think you're lost, or uncommunicative with him about this, and it feels a little Jerry Springer-ish now, with the crowd jumping up and down telling you, in coded words of condemnation for him, that you should be ashamed that you are in this situation.

You need not feel ashamed. I don't know if you do, if you are being made to feel like you ought to, but you need not.

[Bitchy Mom]

K, I wish I could just give you a hug. I wish I had the gusto to blog about my marital issues because I need advice too. I think it's great that you have so many supportive readers that can help you and give you advice. I hope you figure out what to do about this situation.

It's always easy for the outsiders to see the red flags... and us women, IN the situation, we see the flags, but we explain them away... We don't like to see the light sometimes.

I hope you give us an update on what your hubs does about this chick... She needs to go. Perhaps you could tell her to get lost?

Oh and JOE, you totally need to give me a pep talk like that... Contact me asap!

[Aubrey Anne]

I'm so sorry. I know I don't even know you, but I know exactly how that feels, and it hurts so bad... I'm sorry. :(

[Anon]

"Frienemies". I regularly clean though mine and have a strict no-add policy now. My Facebook is unsearchable too and I like it that way, since all the people I am really friends with are all I need on Facebook. No highschool friends that just want to see what I'm up to. No people that I'm not real friends with in my non-internet life. And definitely NO ex's.

It's a slippery slope when reconnecting with someone that you had a spark with or perhaps creating a new one online. I'm totally ashamed to admit that I had an emotional affair once that started in this manner. The secretive relationship effect heats things up real fast.

Maybe it's best to have a no facebook policy if it causes problems in the marriage. After I ended my affair, I cut myself off from social networking sites for a long time. If I ever saw myself falling into that terrible black hole again, I'd be getting my ass outta facebook right away.

[Michelle-WT Mom]

Aw, sweetie. Been in your shoes, it's a slice of hell. So sorry. Lots of love coming to you from my part of the world. ((Hugs))

[Carrie @ Who Knew?]

I'm new to your site so I don't know any other details about your marriage but I am a little shocked. How can you trust your husband? He already had one questionable relationship, he's friending (that in and of itself; he's actively trying to connect) exes (including someone he knows for a fact you have a problem with) and he's lying to you about even being on Facebook. It doesn't seem like the problem is the women or Facebook but your husband.

And being the Mominatrix you claim to be, I hope you beat his ass into shape. Good luck.

[Amy]

If he knows that his "friending" this woman hurts you, then he'll do the right thing and "unfriend" her...in front of you. If he doesn't, there's definitely a problem.

He doesn't really give you any reason TO trust him when he's being secretive like that. Have you thought about marriage counseling?

[Karen (SubMommy)]

Funny, (funny odd, not funny ha ha), but about a month ago THE old boyfriend made contact on FB. You know, the one that squished me like a bug and then disappeared?

Yeah, that one.

The curiosity as to why now overcame me and I went ahead and accepted his request.

But I think there's an important distinction to make here. Before I even made a decision as to what I was going to do about it, I told my husband.

Guys, generally speaking, don't seem to get that. They are so petrified that you are going to a) cry, and/or b) freak out on them, that they hide & lie.

How'd that work out for him?

[moosh in indy.]

My husband and I are friends on facebook but we are not listed as married.
There's a lot of reasons for this, but mainly because I keep my real life and my internet life separate.
We have boundaries that do not get crossed. This is one of them.
And this for you?
Whoa.

[Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com]

It's hard to trust someone when "Not recently" means anything over a week. :(

[Misshawk]

It really doesn't matter how he's doing it. He's making a connection with a woman who has caused problems in your marriage and then not being truthful with you about it. If he's making one connection with her, then he can and might make another, then another.

One lie always means more lies, more secrets that you may or may not find out. A little lie will always turn into a bigger one, somewhere down the line. You do it all on your own anyway - you don't need this!

[Misshawk]

It really doesn't matter how he's doing it. He's making a connection with a woman who has caused problems in your marriage and then not being truthful with you about it. If he's making one connection with her, then he can and might make another, then another.

One lie always means more lies, more secrets that you may or may not find out. A little lie will always turn into a bigger one, somewhere down the line. You do it all on your own anyway - you don't need this!

[Jennifer]

This sucks. My husband got into trouble on MySpace years ago. He quit all social media until a couple of months ago. Joined Facebook and immediately started being stupid again. I feel your pain.

I've blogged about it in the past. Most people are supportive. Some people suck and try to use it against you at a later date. Either if the husband is being good, people will suggest it's because he's hiding something. If he's lying, I deserve it for staying with him.

Do what's best for you. Write whatever helps you cope. No one can ever know the exact details of a couples relationship, so no one can give you the "right" advice.

All I can say is be strong and know that you have a large community of people that will be there for you if you ever need them.

[McM]

Seriously? I mean....seriously? You deserve a night out, a stiff drink and a badge of honor....your husband, well a swift kick in the arse. I mean it's Facebook! Sometimes I worry it's the demise of our society. There's even a group 'Facebook ruined my marriage' - I can see where that could happen. Hugs.

[The Casual Perfectionist]

Wow...I can't really add to what has already been said in the comments. I just wanted to pop in and offer you my support. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this!

[Fairly Odd Mother]

The thing that scares me is that even if you tell him to 'unfriend' this woman (women) on FB, will he find other ways to keep in touch with them?

So sorry you are in this position. Truly sucks.

[Parentopia Devra]

My husband knows my credo "Lie to me? Say goodbye to me." Secrets are only okay if they are eventually revealed and no one is hurt by them. For example, a surprise birthday party can be kept secret, but eventually the secret is revealed and all is okay. The kind of secrets your husband has kept, and is keeping, are not those which would make anyone happy to know about, so the question becomes "If he knows it will hurt you, then why do it at all?"

He is the only one with the answer to that question.

[Cindy]

Thank you for talking so honestly about such a private yet common issue. At the core what you have is a man who I'd not inspiring trust or making you feel secure. Your discussion with him needs to be about that. Does he want you to feel insecure and pass that virus to your kids? He may see his behavior in a more empathetic light if he really does care for your family life. On the other hand if he minimizes your feelings of distrust then he's hiding more and you guys really need to find an excellent marraige counselor. Forget the cost. A divorce or ten more years of misery before divorce are more expensive. You deserve loyalty and security in your marraige.

[VDog]

I'm sorry hon. Sending you hugs and an ass grab. Because you deserve it.

You are a hawt lady, and you deserve to be treated like a queen. Or at the minimum better than this.

xoxo

[jodifur]

I have nothing to say except all of this makes me very happy I still am the last person on the planet refusing to join facebook.

[Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com]

I'm sorry; that's alot to deal with in a marriage =( If you like, I have a really REALLY decrepit old doghouse that my husband says he wouldn't wish on his worst enemy. You are totally welcome to have it...

[marty]

I don't have to tell you that's a shitty apology.

I'm sorry you are being treated like toe jam. I hope he at least got the lingerie size right for your kickin' new bod.

Thinking of you and the kids.

[Sarah]

Between your husband, my husband and it sounds like most of the other ones, I starting to think that it isn't frickin worth it. You can't trust any of them.

[mrs chicken]

I'm so sorry, K. This is a hard thing. Fuck, marriage is hard enough without the fucked-upedness of social media. Thinking of you.

[cali]

wow sweety! i hate this for you!!! you deserve better. maybe it's time for these particular relationships to be discussed and then cut off and blocked.

[Lori]

That sucks. Sometimes I can forgive my guy for being an ass and think I'm ok with him talking to some chick he's "known" in the past or who may have caused issues for us. However, the lying. That's something I find it hard to get past. I mean, it's Facebook. Why are you going to lie to your wife about Facebook? Of all things? All that says to me is that he was being dishonest because he knew you would not be ok with his "friends" and communication and he didn't care. At least not enough to abstain from contacting them, or responding to their contact. I don't think it's the end of a marriage or anything, but it's not my life, like others have said. It is time to talk. Lingerie doesn't compensate for a breech in trust. It just reeks of guilt. Best of luck in not kicking his ass.

[julie]

I sense you're looking for an ear, not advice, so I'll keep my mouth shut and seethe right along with you.

But I've gotta ask - does he not read your blog? And do you in-laws really not read your blog? I find that hard to believe.

And lingerie? Seems more like a gift for him. If it was truly for you, wouldn't the iPhone 3Gs have been more appropriate?

And @joe, while I don't disagree with anything you've written, you have to remember that we only see what Kristen chooses to share with us. We don't know her and we can't assume to know what's going on in her home, her life or her family based on what we read here. This is a glimpse. From her perspective.

Or maybe you do know her and I'm just talking out of my ass.

[joe]

Although your title is cute, I think it should really read "My husband is fucking up my marriage and so far I'm okay with that."

All of us have flaws. In some cases these flaws make our marriages extremely challenging. But if both people love each other, respect each other, and communicate with each other, you can make it through. Does your husband feel any of those things for you? It doesn't seem so but only you know for sure. Without those basic tenets (love, respect, communication), I cannot imagine how the rest of your life with him is going to go. Are you going to be 80 and glad you let him treat you so badly? No regrets? Excellent role models for your kids and their future relationships? Has it occurred to you that you could do far better?

He's "pretty sure he mentioned it?" Wow, don't fall for that non-apology apology. It seems to me he's friends with TWO women who have PROVEN to be inappropriate. Unless I misread. Maybe it's only one? I think even one is too many, no?

If you had a million dollars and he had decent visitation rights for the kids, would you still be married?

Sending questionable texts to women who are known problems and not telling you about it is as big a flag as you're ever going to see. And you've seen plenty so far in this relationship.

I guess if all this rolls off your back you might as well stay. But if this is causing you pain, it seems to me that you're wasting your life with this man. Would life without him be WORSE? It seems to me this kind of behavior saps your energy, your motivation, your creativity. Are you okay with that?

As your kids get older, they're going to use your relationship as a model for their own. Kids absorb everything. They're too young now but pretty soon Q is going to learn to marry a guy just like her dad. Are you cool with that?

I don't think men cheat any more than women do. I don't think men are pigs any more than women are. Marriage is hard but presumably the rewards make it worth it.

I just don't see how his relationships with other women (and his ongoing disrespect toward you) are worth it for you and for your kids.

But I don't live your life. Only you know what's really going on. And maybe you're just venting. I'm not judging and I am so sorry for how this must make you feel. But the subject matter about which you are venting is scary and sad. I think you know it's pretty serious.

I think you are amazing and talented and it seems like he's not that into you.

Respectfully.

[Bella]

Wow. I'm so, so sorry. This must be HELL for you. It's so easy to say kick the bastard out... I'd sure as hell be threatening it. It's the lying that would throw me over the top. Not so much the stupidity of friending this obviously WRONG person to friend. But the lying. I don't care if he's afraid of your reaction. He's hiding something still. And it will make you crazy because now you have to fucking worry about shit you so don't need to worry about.

I wish I had more to offer than sorry. But I really, really am.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

UPDATE: Aside from the "Truce" lingerie (NEW! WITH POCKETS! FOR... hmmm) that I received, I got a note apologizing for "not telling you I was on Facebook even though I'm pretty sure I mentioned it."

Sadly, it didn't address the MAIN FREAKING ISSUES and while I appreciate the gesture because let me just say, I rarely get them like that, it mostly bothers me that he friended the chick.

The lying about not being on is goofy and yes, I tend to get a little pissed so that could have been it, but DUDE, she was a complete bitch. Why bother? I mean, we've gone on for about 5 years on and off about that whole situation and it was pretty much dead. It annoys me that her spirit is now raised from the dead.

Blech.

[Lara]

I have way too many regrets about things in my own past to say too much, but I am sincerely sorry that you're going through this, and I'm really hoping you are able to find a good resolution that works for you and your family.

[Angela]

Wow. Relationships are so complicated. Made all the more so by social media outlets like Facebook. Personally? I hate Facebook. But that's the way that my family communicates, so I deal with it.

Not too long after I joined Facebook, an old friend of mine contacted me. He'd always wanted more, but wasn't at all my type. We exchanged messages, he left a few slightly strange comments on my blog, wanted to get together. My husband felt a little weird about it. I stopped any and all communications.

I think the key was that we talked about it. And trust me, I really had zero interest in contacting this other guy. He contacted me.

Now I'm not defending anyone here, and I have no idea why your husband thought it might be a good idea to stay in communication with that woman, but I think the only way you're going to reach a consensus on behavior in the future is to talk. Frankly. And calmly.

And the lying? Oh my god, the lying. That has to stop.

[Poppie Geduld]

I don't know if you two have had a chance to talk about this, but you might want to point out to your hubs that Facebook is not a private dark lounge in an abandoned corner of cyber space. It's more like a busy New York station where those friended can see who you friend, what games you play and what comments you leave. And his mother can walk in any minute.

[Christy]

I agree with you. You were right on that when you hit that "add a friend" button, it sends a message that you may have not even thought you were sending. I think so many people are friend-seekers on facebook...making up for a lack thereof in their highschool or college years. you can make yourself who ever you want to be on facebook and acquiring friends is a facad. Ugh. I've had it with facebook, deleted my acct about a month ago and have been very relieved to have done so. I hope you get the honesty you need out of this and your husband sees the importance of the extra energy it will require to show that he did not mean harm. internet is dangerous. period. If you have time to waste, this is how I really feel:
http://pearsons6.blogspot.com/2009/07/facebook-facads.html

[Friglet]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It just plain old sucks.

[Melanie]

I appreciate your honesty about this one. How are you dealing with it? I'd be curious to see the resolution- I know it's easier to talk about what they did than to talk about how it really plays out in real life. I know as women we often want to castrate our partners for the stupid things they do...but the reality of how issues resolve is often (luckily for them) much different. :)

[Christy]

I'm not on facebook, so I don't completely get how the friending thing works, but the lying would bother me.

[Scattered Mom]

I sincerely think that people leave our lives for a reason, and in a lot of cases, need to be left there.

In your case, I'd be really angry too. If the old friend has caused trouble in your marriage, that's pretty much a no brainer, in my opinion.

[chris]

I am sorry. The part that would bother me the most is the outright lying when confronted. The rest could be forgiven as a lapse of good sense, but the lying, sigh...

[Char]

You're a smart woman and you'll figure this out. Follow your heart, but most importantly, recognize and realize:

when you're just lying to yourself
when he's lying to his self
when you're in denial about the situation
how much crap you're willing to put up with - what are your limitations?
and #1: most guys are either dogs or pigs.

In essence, be true to yourself.

[Katie]

Hmmm... either he is not being honest with you and or he is afraid you are going to blow up.

Sometimes my husband is afraid to tell me things that are really not a huge deal because he is afraid of my reaction (or over reaction). I have a terrible temper and am prone to going way overboard.... loudly.

Don't know if that is the case with you, but thought I'd throw it out there.

[cindy w]

A few months ago, I had to go to a college friend's wedding, and since it was out of town, I went by myself while my husband stayed home with our daughter (gotta save money). An old guy friend from college (NOT an ex, just a buddy) was thinking about going to the wedding too, and said that if we both went, he could be my "date" so we wouldn't have to sit alone. It was a convenience thing, NOT a romantic proposition, but my husband flipped out. I got a long lecture about "the appearance of impropriety," and yeah, it made sense. It would've looked shady to people who didn't know the situation, and that was reason enough not to do it.

At the same time, I'm my husband's 2nd wife because his first wife cheated on him. So this is not something I ever have to worry about. He knows firsthand what that kind of betrayal feels like, and I know he'd never do it to me. So that helps, I guess.

[Binkytown]

Ugh. I am NOT defending him here, just making the comment that with Facebook, it makes it all too easy to hit a button and send a message that you didn't completely think all the way through.

That said, I think you have every right to be pissed. Did the lingerie make-up gift make you cringe a little? Make up s,ex would be OK after a fight about who takes out the garbage but it would be the farthest thing from my mind when "friends" were involved.

[Cypress]

:\ First off. HUGS! Second. Who keeps secrets from their spouses? People who are up to NO GOOD. If you want a secret get a divorce and live your own life. That is what I told my hubby when I got the "Oh we are just good friends, it wasn't a big deal that is why I didn't tell you" BULLSHIT I'm the one he keeps his secrets with. The End.

Does that sound harsh..I don't agree with playing childish games with my marriage or my kids childhood.

I refuse make up gifts. You can't buy my love or respect or forgiveness.

Sorry, that crap just makes me so damn mad..ARGHH

[MFLEIJ]

A wise person once told me that if you go looking for something you will find it. If you go digging around in your boyfriends voicemail looking for a message that shouldn't be there you'll find it. If you read your bf's email looking for emails from other girls you will find it. You are looking for these things because you have a lack of trust, whether it be subconscious or blatantly obvious. If you trust someone completely you'll never feel the need to check behind them and if you did you wouldn't find anything there. Don't take me wrong, I'm certainly not saying that your husband is or did cheat on you or isn't trustworthy. All I'm saying is there is a trust issue there and there is obviously a reason for that trust issue. Maybe you two should talk about this.

[Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy]

I had a really long comment typed out. but at the the end of the day, it's truly difficult for me to leave a comment with my opinion on something so very personal.I honestly can not express how I mad I would be in this situation without using swears that shame my dead grandma, and trust me, my grandma could swear with the best of them.

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

You wrote:

But then again, none of those guys ever interfered with my current relationship. Because if they did, I'd really think long and hard about making them my "friend."

That's the salient point here. Not whether exes are threats per se, but whether a particular ex has actually *been* a threat.

As you know, I agree with you on this one.

[Vic DaChick]

I can identify with this: I had reason to suspect Fais' father was cheating on me through what I saw on a social networking site. When I asked him about it, he denied it, only to have it come up again some 3 months later, and this time he fessed up.

Sometimes I think they're more trouble then they're worth. The men and the sites.

[G.S.]

OK, just a different perspective, not knowing what was said, and how inappropriate it was-- I'm not trying to defend any specific acts or behaviors! But I do want to say that in general I OPPOSE the wholesale banning of contact between marrieds and their past lives. I'm happily married and still consider friendships with the opposite sex (some of whom are exes) to be precious and lovely things in my life. I would go nuts if someone tried to prohibit me from being friends with someone, simply on principle.

However, upon a second reading-- he lied about his contact. That's a sure sign of a guilty conscience. Ugh.

[Mandy]

My husband's always been open about who he befriends on Facebook. As have I to him. I hope you and your husband find resolution over this issue. I agree with others who write that it seems an honest conversation is needed.

[Hyphen Mama]

Awe crap! I, too, thought things seemed to be settling down for the two of you. I'm sure for you, it's especially difficult given that he's gone for extended periods and that gives him idle time away from the family to keep this garbage going. That, in addition to how hard it is to maintain a marriage on part-time status anyway.

My husband just yesterday asked if I'd be offended if a female pilot lived at his out-of-state crash pad. BWAHAHAHAHAHA, Um yeah. I told him I'd be okay with him "crashing" with a female as soon as I rent his side of the bed out to a hot guy.

[Miss Behavin]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'd be putting Nair in his shampoo, alcohol in his after shave, and Ex-Lax in his food.

[Mom101]

There are so many conflicts because we all use social media differently. I'm always shocked when someone I don't know wants to connect with me on facebook. Then I realize that a lot of bloggers use it like a rolodex. But it's hardly the same issue as when you link in with a guy just to say "yo" and he thinks you're linking in to say "heyyyy...remember that time with the jello?"

I'm sorry about the douchebaggery. I hope at least this gets it out in the open so you can resolve it.

[Shanno0n]

the internet is such a good friend- and a backstabbing bitch, too. My husband finds new and stupid ways to insult our marrige all the time via the internet. He joined facebook now, and all I said was is this something I have to worry about, too?

[Adrienne]

Wow...totally inappropriate. I would have an absolute fit, meltdown, storming session if my husband contacted any of the women in his past. The couple of times that it has happened (initiated by the women) my husband tells them to fuck off because he is married...the appropriate response. I have a Facebook account as well, and my husband can access and read anything he wants at any time. He also has complete permission to read my emails...because there is nothing to HIDE!

God, I know it has nothing to do with me, but it infuriates me to hear these things after everything you two have been through. Your husband won't realize what he is going to loose until it's too late.

Big hugs to you!!!

[Cecilia]

I am so sorry. xoxo

[Grace]

Yeah...I know firsthand how FB can interfere with a marriage. A couple months ago I made a generic comment as my status and somehow that got back to my MIL who totally took it personally. This caused me and the Hubs not to talk for an entire week.

[Nikki]

Oh boy, I've btdt scenario way too many times with my soon to be ex. He actually cheated on my a few years ago and maintained contact with the girl even though he knew it hurt me. It's a crappy, rotten situation and I'm sorry you're dealing with it.

[Myg]

Ugh. That just sucks. I know I've been friended by a couple of exes from high school (high school!) who have gone so far as to post photos of us from high school and etc, and while it's fairly innocent it does make my husband feel a little odd. And that's with guys I haven't seen in 20+ years.

[carly]

I don't have kids yet, but i relate to you because i feel like I would be just the kind of mom you are. This post is legit. I don't know why men think just because it is messages on a social network doesn't mean it isn't wrong. At least you didn't get "I told her those nice things to make her feel better about herself." Inappropriate. We don't.

[Boston Mamas]

Nightmare.

I'm curious about what his rationale was for this -- i.e., why he felt the need to friend this person given the history? Did he truly think it would be innocuous? If that chick didn't have a problem meddling in your marriage then, I doubt she will now.

Also, lingerie as a make up gift? That seems rather optimistic to me... -Christine

[TheFeministBreeder]

I find that the internets have given moms a fool-proof way to bust cheating husbands, or sniff out not-so-awesome intentions of husbands who may not have yet cheated, but are certainly being inappropriate, and therefore capable. Of course, many times the women find the evidence, and then suspend their own intelligence to believe that the DH/SO is being innocent. The truth always comes out.

I wrote all about a few affairs I cyber witnessed on these here internets - http://thefeministbreeder.typepad.com/the_feminist_breeder/2008/09/why-do-women-stay.html

[Fay]

I am rather prejudiced against your husband for a variety of reasons already. This is just another point off. GOD. I hope he has lots of good qualities that we just don't hear much about!

[nic @mybottlesup]

dude, i've been fucking steamed for you since all this went down on your twitter stream... and i'm still left speechless.... though still steaming.

[Anon]

I've been in a similar situation but I was the other woman and he was the married one with kids.

Social networking is awesome until missuse screws up lives and marriages. So given that I've seen innocent friendships made over social networking turn totally fucked up I would be cautious at best.

Really cautious.

[Anonymous]

Oy vey! Pissed.Beyond pissed. Super-royally pissed. And I've been somewhere near that vivinity. If he re-connected with the person who tried to disconnect us... I couldn't go through all that drama again.

[Meredith]

Jeez Kristen I've been mad for you since I saw this on your Twitter stream yesterday. I would be LIVID. I hope this turns out to be an isolated dumbass incident and not a new hobby for your husband.

And I have to admit, I was hoping to hear more about your lingerie with pockets. :)

[MommyNamedApril]

good luck with that. my husband would probably be dead by the time you hit publish on this post.

[Beth from SJ]

A friend of mine had triplets, yes, 3 babies in June. They have since been released from the hospital and after a strange comment on fb, I emailed her. Turns out her husband (of 1 year) is having an inappropriate internet relationship with an ex girlfriend - she found all the emails last week. To quote my friend, "It is taking everything I have not to crumble." Crazy!

[rachel - if it's a hero]

I completely agree. The internet has done wonders for me in regards to social networking, but it has put a strain on my relationships on more than one occasion. I feel awkward even saying "because I saw it on facebook!" It makes me feel less valid, even though my concerns are genuine.

[Misshawk]

He would be gone. Too many instances of this type of thing in your marriage IMO. When you are a married person you stay AWAY from situations that LOOK shady even if they are innocent, let alone that ARE shady. I'm sorry because it sounded as if things were going better and I was happy for you. Don't be sucked into this again. If he hasn't cheated yet, he will. The writing is on the wall...

[Amelia Sprout]

If it were me, he'd be out on the curb. A and I had a similar issue early in our relationship, and he officially has no more chances. I'm sorry this is happening when things had been going so well. You know the Internet is here if you need us.

[amy]

word. hug.

[Michelle]

Thanks for being so uncensored & honest in this post. It's an issue that too often isn't talked about -in a sense it's social media infidelity b/c it's easier to hide behind messages on social media & people think it's not flirting b/c it's not in person. Anyway, thanks for honesty & courage....

[Becky]

Or, better yet, he should worry about sleeping on his MOM'S couch because he screwed up his marriage and now has to pay child support for three kids and can't afford his own place.

[Backpacking Dad]

I think Nikon did exactly the right thing in turning the baby away at the door. Just because the BlogHer conference itself was as baby-friendly an environment you could possibly want doesn't give anyone the right to insist that the satellite events be just as accommodating to babies. I had my daughter in the backpack once and my wife and I were walking around a little outdoor mall in San Jose when we decided to stop in this little wine bar for a cool event they were having. And, oh yeah, my daughter isn't 21. Of course she isn't 21. What the hell was I even thinking? I wasn't. I just assumed that she didn't count for the purposes of carding. I'm not saying that's what this mom was doing or that the Nikon party was in a bar because I don't know where it was since I wasn't invited because #nikonhatesdaddies, but it's an easy mistake to make to bring the kid along. It's still a mistake though.

Sorry, were we not talking about Nikon anymore? #nikonhatesFacebookhobags