A little slow on the mommy uptake

I'm not just a late adopter when it comes to tech. Sure, I've got the Gen-1 iPhone and I used Facebook way back before everyone, their babysitter, and their weird sexy email stalkers were on it.

But other than that, I'm pretty damn clueless. I probably use 3 of the 4000 Gmail features. And I finally relented and googled "FTW" because I could not, for the life of me, figure out what the hell it meant.

Needless to say, I was extremely disappointed. (For the win! Huh?)

But as it turns out, I'm also a behind the curve when it comes to this motherhood thing.

It's not necessarily because being a mom doesn't appeal to me, or because I lack any sort of motivation to do things smarter not harder.

And my kids are happy, polite, and fairly well-adjusted - so far, at least - so I can't be that off track.

But considering I only recently learned about the power of different sized Ziploc bags and I have no idea what the real difference is between aluminum foil and saran wrap (other than the obvious "plastic melts, don't microwave tin foil"), it's obvious that when it comes to the other duties that seem to be lumped in with being a "good mother," I'm about two fries short of a Happy Meal.

(Or two apple dippers - ahem).

I've figured out that because I don't have any in-real-life-in-driving-distance friends, other than a running buddy, a fellow blogger, and a beautiful, gorgeous neighbor (and her lovely daughter), I don't have anyone to look to for advice. And I'm not talking about what to do with a baby who doesn't sleep or a toddler who laughs when you put him in time out.

I'm talking about what sort of supplies I need to pack a lunch for my daughter and what to do with all the extra legoes lying around my family room floor and where I should store the 4000 water bottles that keep accumulating in my house.

I just bought a toaster oven two months ago, people.

So instead, I twitter and google. "Sandwiches other than peanut butter and jelly for lunch" and "I have no idea what fabric softener is for."

"How often am I supposed to wash my kid's sheets?"

I always feel as though I'm the last to know - that I'm the mom who is often flying by the seat of her pants, scrounging around for rubber bands and checking her jewelry box for safety pins and trying to figure out how it's possible that she lost an entire school uniform somewhere in her daughter's bedroom.

And while I'm definitely ahead of the curve when it comes to sex toys, that's not exactly the reputation I'm looking to flaunt at the PTA meetings.

I realize I will never be known as the "organized mom," or the "Martha Stewart mom." I won't be known for my amazing homemade brownies or my beautiful flower garden or my evenly labeled storage bins.

I'm okay with that.

And I'm coming to accept that just being "Quinlan's mom" (and Drew's and Margot's too) is the only label I need.

FTW!

Comments

[Kathleen]

OMG! I got as much humor and the warm fuzzy "I'm not alone" feeling from the comments as I did from the post! I love blogs and I'm so glad i found yours!

[Dana]

Honestly, I totally thought FTW was a fancy, backwards way of saying WTF. You know, because "Fuck, the what?" just sounds sooo much cooler.

I now realize I'm a big dork.

[Asianmommy]

I felt that way, too. When we moved to Chicago, I was pregnant with my first. No mom friends within driving distance who could help me out. The online world saved me. I was constantly emailing my friend in LA who had just had a baby, and I was all over the Baby Bargains message board.

I think everyone thinks everyone else has it all together, but really, all of us are just trying to make it through the day. :)

[Amanda]

When I first saw FTW, I thought it was an intentional "misspelling" of WTF, thus short for "Fuck the what?"

I find that more funny than For The Win, though I can see it's appeal.

[regan]

My computer engineer husband said FTW a few months ago and I lost it. "I'm not some geek like you that knows all the fancy computer lingo ever invented!" Wow, did I feel dumb when he explained that it actually has nothing to do with computer technology lingo.

[Lisa]

I wash my sons crib sheets whenever he begins to get a rash I can't identify the source of. On the upside, this is about once a month.

I'm pretty much bullshitting my way through the whole thing. Heaven forbid someone ask me "Do you want me to give him Beef or Chicken?" I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, I HAVEN'T MADE THAT PART UP YET!

He is, however, one of the happiest kids I've ever seen so, even though he's only ten months old, I must not have fucked him up too badly yet!!!

Go me!!

[Denise]

I don't know what I am doing either! My kids are 14, 7 and 3 and I am still trying to figure out how to parent. I just read my 14 year old's Facebook and forced him to TAKE IT DOWN (IMMEDIATELY!) when I saw his chats about bragging about sex and smoking pot. His conversations seemed like he had little experience with either. Oh hell... who knows....maybe he is an expert for 14!

So - I am here to tell you that while you may be googling lunch suggestions now, you may be googling "why do teens brag about sex and pot?" in a few years.

[Camryn]

:) FTW = "For The Win" and conversely FTL = "For The Lose". (Gaming slang...)

But if it makes you feel any better, I've definitely had to google some of the abbreviations used in blogs like this or other more family-related posts. "DH" = "Dear Husband"? Or "Dick Head"? (I always think of "Deathly Hollows" and I'm not even a Harry Potter fan.) :'(

[ali]

eh...who needs to make homemade brownies when Dunkin' Hines can make them for you??

[Haley-O]

Yes yes yes! I'm thinking about these things right now, too. Mostly how my own impulsive, indecisive nature affects my kids/my mothering. I don't understand my friends who are going around to daycamps NOW so that they can decide what camp they want to send their kid to NEXT YEAR -- "I need to see the camp in action," they tell me. My God, I don't! I can't even THINK that far ahead. I will always be hopelessly disorganized, and no martha stewart. NO. And I accept that. I do the best I can, and that "best" is different every single day.

That said, I can't believe you just "bought a toaster oven two months ago"! It's gonna change your life...!

[Jen]

I think of myself as fumbling through motherhood.

But I'm giving it my all. I think that's what matters.

[Miss Grace]

Huh. I thought FTW was fuck the world.

[Karen (Submommy)]

Any mommy who tells you she's not flying blind 99% of the time is a liar. Either that, or the Queen of Denial.

I didn't know what FTW meant, either.

And...if I can recommend a book for you: Lunch Lessons by Ann Cooper and Lisa M. Holmes.

[amanda]

Wishing our grip on this kind of just-rightness weren't so effing tenuous. Beautifully done.

[Christina]

I always feel like I'm two steps behind everyone else. Someday if I ever catch up, I might actually be a semi-organized mom. But I'll never be the uber-organized mom sending my kids to school with clothing that matches, lunch that is something other than PB&Js and goldfish, or permission slips turned in before the day they're due.

Clean clothing, clean kid, something to eat, and my best attempt at keeping track of paperwork? That's about as much as I can offer.

[patois]

We're supposed to wash the kids' sheets?

[vivacious_g]

I always thought FTW was f the world too. Until my husband told me about the dorky win thing. Last night. He must be reading your blog. :) As for everything else, hey, whatever works. As long as my kid is safe and happy, that's all that matters.

[Angela in Ohio]

Embrace the behind the curve-ness, because it does not go away. My "baby" is 20. I still don't know the right way to do stuff. "What to pack for lunch" just changes to "should I bail her out of her cell phone bill" drama.

[MommyNamedApril]

yeh, i'm pretty sure we're all flying by the seat of our pants. i'm going with that... because anything else would make me feel inadequate. and we wouldn't want that.

p.s. i wash the sheets when they start to smell funny. ;-)

[marty]

For the win? Seriously?

If I had known that sooner, there are a lot more people I would have written off as too dorky even for moi.

[Vicky]

I'm not going to go all Stuart Smalley on you but it's true. You are a great mother. You are you.

Enough said.

[Mom101]

Everything I needed to know I learned from blogs.

(Also a lot of things I didn't need to know.)

Isn't enough to just be the mom raising kids that say thank you and please and kiss us good night sweetly? I think that's pretty good.

[Michelle Pixie]

It’s nice to know that I am not alone in this chaos of mommydom. My daughter just asked me this morning why I say bad words all the time... I am not winning any mother of the year awards around here! The way I see it is something or everything I do is going to send them to therapy someday and I must be doing something right if I can embrace it and move on from there! ;)

[Lauren]

I've been stressing over what to pack in my 4YO's lunch when she starts preschool in Sept. I've come to the conclusion that I am packing what I know she will eat. I would rather know that she is eating something, rather than staring at a typical lunch that she thinks is gross. Besides, none of those Martha Stewart moms will be there to see what my child really eats.

[Tricia (irishsamom)]

Oh and by the way or btw (for those in the know) I always thought FTW was f*** the world. I like it better, so I'll keep it. ;)

[Tricia (irishsamom)]

Well written. Being a Mom (whatever kind you are) is plenty enough. I have older kids now (10 and six) and I have never been the mom in the know. In fact, I'm usually the last one to know. (anything, lol). But I don't care. I mother in my own unique way and like you say, if your children are happy and well-adjusted (um, well at least I think they are) then everything will turn out just fine. :)

[Motherhood Uncensored]

@alli - I have been meaning to head up your direction. On my list.

[Alli]

How often do you have to change the kids' sheets? I'm thinking once a month? Bi-weekly?

I'm giggling at the commenter who asked someone in a coffee shop if she was you. She has more courage than me, because I saw someone here in Chattanooga, thought it was you, and totally didn't ask her.

[Kerrie]

Know this...those martha stewart types? Their children sometimes pay for it with ruined Saturday mornings because momma decided that the house needs to be spotless top to bottom before anyone can have fun. (the tend to be neurotic adults that have to work at getting over themselves so they don't repeat the pattern). My theory, "Perfection" is usually hiding something dark and ugly.
Children don't care if the house is spotless or if the sandwich cut in the shape of a star with an origami napkin is organic. They care if you teach them how to throw a baseball, bathe them enough so they're not the smelly kid, and love them enough so that they feel secure in themselves.
My mother was a perfectionist, she passed away ten years ago and i still resent those saturday mornings.

[Nel]

I google things like "I'm bored, entertain me" and "Runny nose, bleeding gums, dizzy. Am I dying?"

[Lisa Kay]

Awww. I LOVE it. Very inspirational.

I'm a Googler, too.

My mommy lives about 2 blocks from me and has always been there when i needed an answer faster that my computer could boot up... but now she's moving 2000 miles away to Michigan. I'm considering leaving the computer in Standby mode permanently.

[Lara]

I have to admit that I was a fan of most sandwiches for lunch - turkey, ham, bologna, tuna, as well as PB&J. You can also do small quesadillas if she's willing to eat them cold (I was).

None of this comes from experience with children. This all comes from experience being a child. That's worth something, right?

[delilah, the unruly helpmeet]

Embarrassing confession:

I live in Atlanta, and I saw a girl who looked like you today carrying a baby in a local coffee shop, and I gathered up all my limited extroverted courage and said, "Uh, are the girl from Motherhood Uncensored?"

And she looked at me like I was a crazy person and said, "Um, no," and backed away quickly like I was going to attack her with a spork.

So that = FAIL.

[Valerie]

I'm with The New Girl, here. I was hoping FTW was somewhere along the lines of 'Fuck The What?' there by, comprehensively describing my confusion.
But whatever...

[Aunt Becky]

I often look behind me when I'm doing something maternal. Because not only am I certainly doing it wrong, I fully expect someone to swoop in and take my kids away for not managing to properly crinkle cut carrots.

[Amy]

My kids don't like sandwiches, other than PB&J, but they will eat ham (of the lunch meat variety) so I just stick a few slices in the Ziplock baggie with some crackers. It's like a Lunchable, only less shelf-stable, which can only be good, right? A piece of fruit or some raisins, a stick of string cheese, and they're good to go.

Fabric softener is for everything (use that Bounce 4 month thing you should've picked up at BlogHer - it's fantastic) but it'll make your towels less absorbent.

I actually have a book that answers a lot of questions about how to be a domestic goddess:

http://www.amazon.com/Home-Comforts-Science-Keeping-House/dp/0743272862/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1249922529&sr=8-1

I particularly like the laundry section. I use it as a reference - not as something I read cover-to-cover!

[cjwsbg]

I feel your pain! Google is my friend too!

Although, I don't have your expertise in the sex toys department! I will probably be buying your book!

[Amanda]

I have a very domestic aunt whom I spent my summers with growing up. I learned a lot from her.

For lunches, I consider anything that resembles a decent lunch that my picky child will eat fair game. He might only have yogurt, graham crackers, and an apple, but if that's what he wants that day, I'm ok with it. There's no law saying you have to pack a sandwich. Those new stainless steel short, wide mouthed thermos containers are great for soups too. My son says his was still warm by lunch.

Flying by the seat of your pants can have its perks. There's no pressure to be that organized mom or the Martha Stewart mom with the cookies that all have candy faces on them on a consistent basis. That's a lot of work when there are sand castles to be built int he sand box and race tracks to be built in the living room.

[karen]

I had to ask a friend the other day how to change a poopy pullup without making a disgusting mess. I wonder if the package tells you that they rip apart at the sides.

[Karen Sugarpants]

everything i know, i learned from granny. some of it makes my head spin because really? ironing facecloths? NO THANKS, GRANNY.

[The New Girl]

For the WIN?

Really?

In my head, I've been saying, 'FUCK THE WORLD!!'

I think it sounds way better, yo.

[Heather]

I had to Google FTW too, among other abbreviations. I am lucky that my state has Early Childhood Family Education classes that have helped me meet a lot of moms and gain several friends. We share tips or just plain hang out. It has been a lifesaver for me.

[sueinithaca]

do i need a toaster oven? huh.

[Margaret]

We lose school uniforms in bedrooms as well (which sucks! - BTW, my kids have the same uniform as Q).

There are many things you can do with sandwiches -

Cream cheese and berries
PB&J (if they allow it)
PB & sunflower seeds (if allowed).
Meat and cheese
wraps
Apple butter sandwiches

You can do veggies and dips
chicken nuggets
cold pizza
pasta (or other type) of salads
fruit
pretzels
jello

Really, the possibilities are endless. We try to do one main thing and two snacks for lunch and a separate snack for snack time. I have friends that do main dish, a sweet, a crunchy and a free choice.

[MommyGeekology]

FTW! Is a gaming thing. I didn't know what it was, either, and I pride myself on my tech-know-how. ;-)

Also? I scramble, too. And I don't have even that many friends IRL, because no one my age has kids around here it seems. So you aren't alone! Just, sort of far away.

[Nicole]

Heh. I haven't washed the poptart's crib sheet in about 2 months. We haven't had a leak yet.

I figure that so long as she's clothed, fed and happy, we're 90% of the way there :)

[amber]

I understand exactly how you feel. I'm so behind...I only recently discovered blogs and although I have several that I like to read, I have no clue how to start one. I still just journal everything in a notebook. And being stuck in the hellhole that is southern Louisiana I have already filled up several notebooks! The other Moms I have met around here are very much the Martha Stewart type with the perfectly decorated houses and they never seem to have the mess or issues with preschools (am I crazy for expecting the school to LOCK THE DOORS when kids are there?) that I have. Maybe they just hide it better or maybe I'm just crazy. I'm kinda ok with a mess if it means I can sit with my son and baby girl and read just one more book or play just one more game. I think kids will remember those moments more than they will the dust bunnies, stacks of dishes in the sink or how many days in a row they ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. :)

p.s. Love the picture...so sweet!

[ClumberKim]

I think you're underestimating the power of sex toys at PTA meetings.

[Amelia Sprout]

I'm with you. I got all the wrong baby supplies, I still google the stupidest things, and I only remember PJ or swim day at daycare half the time.
I'd like think I remember what matters. Not to mention, if you know one kind of thing, and I know another, eventually we all learn. That would be the beauty of this community. Together, we make the most amazing mom ever. How about that for resourcefulness.

[julie]

a) Toaster ovens are essential for cheese toast and pizza bagels.

b) Always carry wipes and an extra pair of underwear.

Is there really anything else you NEED to know?

(I had to Google ZOMG and I still don't understand what it means)

[Issa]

I was sadly disappointed when I figured out what FTW meant.

I know a lot of Martha Stewart moms and I surely am never going to be one. It's way too much work to be that mom and in my experience, it's not like kids care.

ps. Lunch can be anything. Cheese and crackers, mini-bagel with cream cheese, whatever you had for dinner last night, cold pizza. Whatever she will eat. Don't get to fancy with it, because you'll burn out halfway through the year and then realize that you are going to be packing lunches for a very long time.

[muskrat]

You can always call or email Deb, too, but not me. I don't know shit.

[Karen]

I'm (going to be) right there with you. My girly may only be 9 months now but some day she's going to want to wear a tutu, take ballet lessons and wear makeup and I'm going to be at a loss. I'm hoping someone can tell me what to do with a girl because as one of the biggest tomboys ever as a kid, I don't have any idea what girls like.

It's all ok though, I don't think we're expected to be geniuses at this thing. We'll do the best we can and love them with all our might. And in 20 years, they can tell their therapists how mom made them peanut butter and butter sandwiches (no lie, my mom made me that) for lunch and they had to STARVE.

[Kim]

Oh yeah, and my bra (the only one left standing) has spit up it's underwire in disgust at me, and is precariously being held together with a tight tank top and a safety pin.

[Kim]

We are all "behind the curve"! You are the strong one for actually admitting it! Most of us are hiding behind a thin veneer of "organization" but are really all flying by the seat of our pants (which are outdated, frayed, and depressing since I can either tuck my stomach in or flop it out over my waistband since my 4th).

[magpie]

Toaster oven? What is this thing of which you speak?

We're all behind the curve - just in different ways.

[mrs chicken]

I feel like this, too, but I haven't quite gotten to that sweet spot of accepting it. By the way, I think you're a great mom.

[Carrie]

you aren't the only one. It's not easy for me to figure any of this out. But I do have a secret weapon- a natural born mama who has 4 kids (youngest is now 11, so she's all over my babies) that I can call. The trick: find one, make her love you, then never let her go.

[Boston Mamas]

K, as someone who used to be really on top of things and Martha Stewart-y but has since sunk to epic levels of disorganization, it's become clear to me that: 1) the important stuff rises to the top (the rest is optional or not essential); and 2) our kids don't care about us being Martha Stewart-y. They just want us to be present.

Which you are. Q is so lucky. I love that picture. xoxo Christine

[SuZ]

:)

Don't worry, I'm behind the curve too. I think it just makes us unique. :)

[Sarah]

I have to google terms all the time and read about what other people are doing with their kids and think "Crap, why didn't I do that?" probably on a daily basis. Glad to know I'm not the only one.

[Maria]

See, I'm more in touch with weird gamer/fangirl language from years of being online in a TOTALLY different community than I am with the essay/blogging community's language.

I'm REALLY slow on the uptake with message board codes. AF?? BD??? WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE ALLUDING TO.

I like just being me, even when I act like a total boner online because I don't know what's going on.