Will the mommy blogger with hemorrhoids please stand up?

I get a lot of PR pitches in my email box, and most of them amount to someone telling me about an extremely exciting new survey conducted by Oscar Meyer and would I like to share this fascinating information about working moms' lunch habits with my readers.

Can you believe that 65.8% of working moms bring their lunch from home? And 69% eat at their desks?

See, now you can't say I withhold important information from you. Aren't you so glad Oscar Meyer and his weiner care so much about the lunch habits of moms?

But last night, the subject line read: New Client Pitch: *Hemorrhoids Treatment Product

[*side note: I type that fucking word so many times and I still misspell it at least twice before getting it right]

And given the state of my ass, I had to click on it. Apparently this lucky pr person was trying to figure out if I'd be interested in getting more emails regarding a product that has shown effectiveness in clinical trials for treating people with 'roids. And spider and varicose veins.

Not sure how that works, but who am I to question?

"We were tried to narrow the list as much as possible," she wrote. "But it's hard to tell who would want this."

Is she kidding? A 'roid treatment that's sold at Henri Bendels and Saks Fifth Avenue? Sign me up. I don't have a high class snooty asshole or anything, but it's got to be just as good if not better than the cheap stuff, right?

"Please don't flame us," she added.

I had to laugh at the unintentional pun. Flame lest ye be sitting on a flaming asshole.

But then I realized that eagerly emailing back for samples would mean that I was admitting to some random PR person that I indeed require the Hemorrhoids Treatment Product.

And yes, while I (and other fine bloggers) have admitted this on my blog, and in person to a few friends and the 17 year old check out guy at CVS (well, I didn't actually say it but the four packs of Preparation-H wipes sort of did that for me), I've never actually had to ask someone for it.

So I thought about it for all of four seconds and replied:

"I'm sad to admit that my ass would love to see samples."

I'll let you know how they work.

Comments

[Incognito Mom]

Oh God, please let us know how this product works and where I can get me some. After only one child and two miscarriages my hemorrhoids are like boulders hanging from my ass. I fear another child will mean I will have to carry those suckers in a wheelbarrow.

[Parentopia Devra]

Your ass wanting to see samples? Your ass is nothing short of being a visionary!

Well, that is my attempt at giving you a requtium.

[Meagan Francis]

I can't wait to hear the results....sitting on, er, pins and, uhhh, needles over here.

[Karen]

I will cry for joy if this works for you. I'm about to go in for a colonoscopy so we can determine that I do indeed have roids and not some form of cancer. We're 99% sure it's the roids and I'm considering quitting food so I can stop going to the bathroom. OK, not really.

[msscmoore]

I, too, have been blessed with a leaky asshole. This has changed the way I buy underwear & even toilet paper. Who knew aloe & lotion was a prerequisite for toilet paper to enter my house. I have even trained the kids to strongly suggest/scream the RIGHT kinda toilet paper when they shop with Daddy.

Please send the samples on over!!

[Marinka]

Does it also shrink the size of my ass? Because, sign me up.

[mom, again]

wondering why the spider and varicose veins are fixable with the roid meds?

b/c roids are varicose veins of the rectum. Same issue, different locale.

eagerly awaiting your review of this product!

[TNG]

You can try it on my VARICOSE VEINS in Chicago. WTF?

Pregnancy/pushing out babies should be ILLEGAL.

[Della]

I've had 'roids since I went overseas for a month at the ripe old age of 16 and met Montezuma. They grew when I had the munchkin.

I guess I need to ramp up my mentions of them on my ever-so-popular blog, so that people will send me free samples of fancy-schmancy butthole paste!

[MU]

@magpie - Ha. Well Jenny the Bloggess might have 'roids. But only she could make them hilarious.

I will say that the pitch was very nice. Basically she was asking if you wanted to be on this list or not.

@clumberkim - Love Least Likely 2 Breed stuff. A Cool Mom Picks fave!

[ClumberKim]

I am looking forward to hearing the results, a little too eagerly I'm afraid. Have used http://leastlikely2breed.net/roid and it's a good alternative to some of the more mainstream products (and no 17 year old at CVS required) but if it works for you, I want to check it out.

[julie]

Hysterical. Happy to report I'm not with you on the roids front. Apparently, my asshole is so snooty it doesn't allow foreigners to take up residence.

Oh, and by the way, the bacon we eat in Canada is the delicious, crispy kind. Don't know where this "Canadian Bacon" crap came from.

[magpie]

I just hope she didn't pitch The Bloggess.

[Kate]

My sister told me this and it worked! Clean every time after you use the bathroom with witch hazel and then to prevent the "chafing" effect that they can have use feminine hygiene spray. Granted it doesn't make them go away, but it made them tolerable for me! (Full disclosure, I didn't get them from having a kid, I got them after kidney surgery).

[Adrienne]

OMG this post is too funny, and the sad thing is I'm totally dying to hear the review. After I had my baby...I had serious hemorrhoids for 2 years (thank you NOBODY for mentioning them...except for Mommybloggers:) Looking forward to hearing more!

[marty]

You still make me laugh just hard enough to pee my pants a little.

[TheFeministBreeder]

I could have killed for this after my first baby. I had a c-sectoin with him, never even got to push, but because of the way they pile all your organs back in there like a Jack-in-the-Box, I had horrifying stomach issues complimented by absolutely debilitating hemorrhoids for an entire year after that delivery. I swear, I bled like you would not believe. I cried every time I had to go to the bathroom. There were days that I could hardly walk. I was starting to consider surgery again to have them sew my rectum back up into my asshole. I had an entire desk drawer full of 'roid treatment at my workplace, along with a pillow, and I'm sure I don't need to tell you how humiliating all of that was.

Thankfully, I never had the problem again after Baby #2 (even though it was a vaginal birth with 38 hours of labor, 2 hours of pushing, and a 2nd degree tear.) My ass was in perfect condition after that. Go figure.

I personally think these 'roid PR people are doing God's work! I hope it cures ya!

[Jenny]

I'm sadly in need of information about such products (2.5 years after childbirth - the gift that keeps on chafing). So thanks for being brave!

[Bill]

You should try having a high class snooty asshole sometime. I upgraded a while ago and it sure beats having a plain old working-class asshole.

[Christina]

That's a time when I truly feel sorry for that PR woman. Did she draw the short straw in the office to have to put that campaign together?

At least she understood that not everyone would appreciate the pitch. Good thing she found you!

[Christine]

Well, here's to hoping they WORK, given the social distress involved in having to request the samples!! :-) -Christine

[Kristy @ Mommy In Pink]

LMAO...sorry, but this post had my laughing so hard I had tears rolling down my face. Loved this post...too funny!

I never even knew what a tucks was used for until I gave birth to my daughter...I hope I never see the day where I will need them again! lol

[Angela]

Fabulous response!

[amanda]

Looking forward to the review ;)

[Amanda]

LOL I hope it works for you. I got one recently about Tucks products, but I passed.

[Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com]

Lol. I think that's the perfect response to a PR pitch like that. Good luck; I hope it works!