I get a lot of PR pitches in my email box, and most of them amount to someone telling me about an extremely exciting new survey conducted by Oscar Meyer and would I like to share this fascinating information about working moms' lunch habits with my readers.
Can you believe that 65.8% of working moms bring their lunch from home? And 69% eat at their desks?
See, now you can't say I withhold important information from you. Aren't you so glad Oscar Meyer and his weiner care so much about the lunch habits of moms?
But last night, the subject line read: New Client Pitch: *Hemorrhoids Treatment Product
[*side note: I type that fucking word so many times and I still misspell it at least twice before getting it right]
And given the state of my ass, I had to click on it. Apparently this lucky pr person was trying to figure out if I'd be interested in getting more emails regarding a product that has shown effectiveness in clinical trials for treating people with 'roids. And spider and varicose veins.
Not sure how that works, but who am I to question?
"We were tried to narrow the list as much as possible," she wrote. "But it's hard to tell who would want this."
Is she kidding? A 'roid treatment that's sold at Henri Bendels and Saks Fifth Avenue? Sign me up. I don't have a high class snooty asshole or anything, but it's got to be just as good if not better than the cheap stuff, right?
"Please don't flame us," she added.
I had to laugh at the unintentional pun. Flame lest ye be sitting on a flaming asshole.
But then I realized that eagerly emailing back for samples would mean that I was admitting to some random PR person that I indeed require the Hemorrhoids Treatment Product.
And yes, while I (and other fine bloggers) have admitted this on my blog, and in person to a few friends and the 17 year old check out guy at CVS (well, I didn't actually say it but the four packs of Preparation-H wipes sort of did that for me), I've never actually had to ask someone for it.
So I thought about it for all of four seconds and replied:
"I'm sad to admit that my ass would love to see samples."
I'll let you know how they work.