When kisses were just kisses

Call it nostalgia, a cocktail of sleep deprivation and hormones, or a mini mid-life crisis, but I find myself having more and more flashbacks to "how things used to be."

Don't get me wrong. My marriage is in one of the best places its ever been.

It's not about finding someone else to light my spark or seeking out a "no-strings attached" fling, which only really exists in the romance novels anyway.

And it has little, if anything, to do with the weighty cares or worries that accompany parenting. The joy my children give me, which is evident about every other Tuesday and religious holidays, is a more than generous trade for those long quiet days in my office, late night parties, and spontaneous lifestyle.

But the way parenting has changed our relationship is something I'm not sure I'll ever get over.

Even though we only had eight months together before I got knocked up, something was strikingly different between us the instant I found out I was pregnant.

I've figured out that much of what my husband did in the romance department was part of his courting ritual, or at least, that's what I've decided to tell myself because my head hurts trying to figure out exactly what it is without me concluding that his libido was somehow attached to Quinlan's placenta and has since disintegrated into some Mississippi cesspool, which is almost the entire state.

And honestly, I think I'd just end up continually disappointed if I expected it to somehow magically reappear, at least on a more than three times a year basis.

I don't want the nightly romps between the sheets, nor do I need the spontaneous waist grabs and random kisses on the neck.

But that doesn't mean I don't remember how it was.

When we could lay awake together in each other's arms without falling instantly asleep at 8pm on a Friday night and when we could jabber on over dinner without being interrupted by screaming children or an ass wiping request.

And when kisses were just kisses, and not to say hello, goodbye, or "how's about that blow job you mentioned last week?"

Comments

[andrea]

I completely relate! I can't put my finger on it...but something has changed...even in the bed room! www.mommie2be.com/blog

[Danielle Miller]

My hubby and I are finally getting it together and our baby is 14 months. Now we're starting to think about the next one. And by thinking I mean, I could possibly already be knocked up, but it's too soon to know. Weird dreams and thirsty as hell though.

For me, a big part of getting back into the swing of things was just the whole being stretched to infinity and back then trying to get back into the mindset that it gets to be a play ground again. Mentality is a difficult thing to change. Then I have to get hubby back into the right frame of mind too. He's gotten used to the "I'm not in the mood, but I'll take care of you" stuff. Now he has to start doing some of the work again, so I have to remind him.

[Mandi]

My son will only be a month old Friday, but I already understand what you mean! We are having a "date night" tomorrow - our first since Jacob was born - and I feel positively giddy. Oh to have a few hours with no crying, spitting up, or diaper changes! And maybe even a conversation void of words like "poopie", "diapie", or "binky".

[Asianmommy]

I remember the first time we ever had a date night after the baby was born. The simple act of holding hands felt so foreign and yet so familiar at the same time. It had been awhile since both of our hands were free of pushing the stroller & carrying the baby & the diaper bag.

[Cecilia]

Low testosterone may be a factor in decreased libido - for men and women. Something the doctor can easily check.

I don't know why it's so hard to break out of the parent role. A couple of weeks ago my husband suggested going to a trendy new downtown bar and I said no because I was wearing mom clothes (capri pants and tee). When I got home I was so disappointed in myself - I turned down the opportunity to do something different and fun just because of what I was wearing. We could have checked out the young and beautitul scene, had a couple of cocktails, and ended the evening on a romantic note.

I wonder if that also sometimes happens with our husbands or partners. If they get caught up with the responsibilities of being a father and a husband that they forget the fun and romantic side of themselves.

[Melissa Chapman]

Funny how they ALWAYS remember that blowjob they were promised... but can't remember to... get the milk, feed the kids, tell you you look hot- even when you know you don't but really need that extra bit of encouragement to get out of your pajamas

[Elizabeth]

My kids are visiting the grandparents and instead of more quality time and kisses that are just kisses because he loves me, I discovered that when I say, "I'm really sore from soccer and my head really hurts," he hears, "I haven't started my period yet so lets have sex." Something has definitely been lost in translation or in the pre/post-parent transition. I would have kicked him, but I was too sore.

[MU]

@jenniferwriter

Well, I don't know about the three sizes thing. Maybe your ass.

heh.

Happy to provide you with a place to go in your misery.

I'll take that as a compliment.

[JenniferWriter]

@MU--Thanks. I know you are right. And I also know that having kids will break me open and make my heart grow three sizes, sometimes in one day.

I'm just glad I already have a place to go on the not-so-joyful days. Right here.

[delilah, the unruly helpmeet]

I personally think that this sort of thing can be worked out, if both partners are willing. I felt it for a while, but then we talked and found ways to bring the warmth, affection, and lust back into our life together. Motherhood improved me as a person and also helped in the bedroom-- i'm more patient, understanding, open, giving. And it also improved my life as an artist. We work hard to keep passion in our life together. It's possible.

Have you been to www.mamasundertheinfluence.blogspot.com?
It's true stories about moms finding their inner goddess. It really strikes a chord for me.

[Mom101]

Yes, but the true test is whether he kisses you after the blow job.

[mothergoosemouse]

I was thinking about that luxurious, pre-kid relationship freedom recently myself. And that's about the closest I get to it these days.

[Kyle Mestery]

Warning: I'm a dad. I think the reality here is that once you have kids, it's no longer just the two of you. You're a family now. You have to try and find the right balance, which includes time with and without the kids. My wife and I always take time to talk with each other after the 3 kids are in bed. We also try to do some spontaneous things. A few weeks ago, we got a babysitter on a Thursday morning and went to the beach without the kids. It felt great and recharged us.

[Kyle Mestery]

Warning: I'm a dad, not a mom. But I think the reality is that things change as your family gets larger. You have to continue to make time for the two of you, even though there is more than two of you now. My wife and I always take time at the end of the day to talk when the kids are down, just to catch up between the two of us. Helps keep us sane and gives us time to catch up sans kids. Sometimes we sneak away and get a babysitter at odd times. A few weeks ago we both went to the beach (in Minnesota no less!) on a Thursday morning. We felt like teenagers being alone that early in the morning at the beach, but it really recharged us.

[MU]

@Jenniferwriter - I think the experience and the sacrifice is different for everyone.

And keep in mind, I share about 1/100 of what goes on in my life. If I gushed about my kids, etc. no one would read. The stories that I found compelling, are the ones not often told. There are about 99 other fantastic ones that make me love my life, but they often don't make it here on this blog. That would be "Motherhood: all the stories you've already heard"

Thanks for reading.

[Bill]

OK, getting back to my earlier comment, I picked up flowers for my wife. They weren't even on sale! But now I realize she's going to get home super late tonight.

Here's my question...should I give them to her now and hope she appreciates the gesture, or should I wait until tomorrow and try to get a BJ out of the deal? :)

[SMILF]

LMAO at the "How's about that blow job you mentioned last week?" kiss. HA If only I had a dollar for every one of those.
I hear you on the zapped libido. I kind of wish I even WANTED to romp between the sheets. I only have kids part time and I'm exhausted. I bow to those who have them full time :)

[JenniferWriter]

I have to admit, sometimes this blog makes me never ever want to have children (though I can't stop reading it). It's like once you become a mother you lose some part of you that you can never get back. I have to wonder, is it worth it?

On the same token, when we got married we both agreed that we wanted to have kids. I feel like I signed a form or something. I don't think I can take it back.

[kyslp]

My boys are 9 and 6 and hubs alienated himself from me about 11 years ago. (Go figure.) I got tired of begging for affection like a stray dog about 10 years ago. Sometimes I try to forgive and forget and end up resentful and sullen. I have fibromyalgia which has resulted in a sort of "brain fog". It is kind of a good thing because I have a hard time "remebering when".

[Vicky]

They are all the same! Geez... that constant "reminder" for the blow job. It never ends.

I so miss having dinner conversations without one of saying, "Now what was I just saying..." at least five times.

[FishyGirl]

We were there for a long time, but I'd say for the last 9 months or so, it's been back, and it's been good. It took a lot of initiation on my part, ME giving the kisses and going out of my way to be nice to him, to do things for him, though. It took those reminders, and a few date nights, to get him back in the US frame of mind, but he got there. I sympathize and hope that it gets better for you with time.

[julie]

Judging from the comments, you're obviously not alone.

The kids are still young. You're still nursing. Give it time.

And just because he's stopped the spontaneous waist grabs and neck kisses, doesn't mean you have to. Maybe he just needs a little reminder...

[Keyona]

Yes...the blow job kiss. I'm all too familiar with THAT.

[Aubrey Anne]

This is exactly the issue that has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. We are expecting number three, and I've never felt so much longing in all my life. I'd do just about anything for him to want me and adore me like he used to. Why is it that being his beloved children's mother doesn't make him adore me more, but less?

[Lisa Kay]

You're so good at putting into words EXACTLY what I'm feeling.

[Carla]

I so empathize. My libido is just about zapped what with still nursing #5, working full time and going to school. My husband still wants sex, don't get me wrong, but usually at the most inopportune times (according to me). I'm to the point of "Fine, let's just get it over with. I have other things to do." We rarely kiss anymore, except to say goodbye and sometimes we skip even that.

It's sad. Because even though it's been 15 years, I remember what it was like when we kissed just because, and when we could cuddle and snuggle and not worry about little peeps interupting if that went further.

Ah, maybe someday......

[Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com]

I have no idea where we'll be after this baby, but I wonder all the time if I'll be in the same boat, remembering how it was before. I have been very lucky with the spontaneous kisses, after all, and can that sort of thing really last forever?

[TheFeministBreeder]

Interesting. I'm in the exact opposite predicament. My husband is the one who still wants the nightly romps, and he's always trying to touch me and kiss me, but I just want to be left the heck alone. My libido died after child #1, and I don't see it ever coming back. It makes me feel bad for him, but what am I supposed to do about it? I'm TIRED.

DH is waiting on pins and needles for your book to come out, hoping that might "help".

I miss the things about myself that motherhood took away from me, this being one of them.

[Amelia Sprout]

It is starting to come back, but I have to be more of the instigator than I remember being. I miss it too though. I miss times before we had a dog who slept in the bed with us, or bad backs made cuddling for any length of time impossible.

I think once you get to a point where the youngest is older than two or three, it will start happening again.

[MU]

@Elisa - Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind them. And apparently I was a royal bitch too. But it wasn't like he was a ball of fun. I got over it so why can't he? (ugh).

@Bill - I won't tell. But get the flowers. Seriously. And not "just because they were on clearance." Doesn't have the romantic ring to it.

[Bill]

Good lord, now I feel like I need to get my wife flowers! I think I'll surprise her with them when she gets home from work tonight.

But if she asks, this post had nothing to do with it, okay? :)

[Meredith]

When I mentioned a few months ago that my husband and I never just make out anymore he offered. It wasn't the same.

[Elisa]

You are a better woman than I am, because I DO want the nightly romps between the sheets, and I DO need the spontaneous waist grabs and random kisses on the neck.

Sad thing is, I think I brought this upon myself, in a way. After Stella was born I became the bitch from hell, from sheer exhaustion and lack of sleep. It lasted one whole year. And that ruined our relationship a bit. I can only hope I can make it better again... as soon as I have the energy for it, that is.

[Angela]

Can't really add anything, except for emapthy.

[Theresa]

There came a point for us, when the kids were 10, 8 and 3(twins) and the demands on us as parents were less exhausting, then we found ourselves being the married couple, not the mom and the dad.

[Kimberly]

My hubs and I keep saying, "This too, shall pass." (Meaning the screaming kids and constant breastfeeding and tiredness and lack of libido.) In about ten years, we will have lots of mornings to lie in and not worry about little people, because they won't appear before noon. Of course, we'll be 50, but hey....

[Courtney]

I am approaching my 5 year wedding anni and i know how ya feel. We had about 3 months together before i found out i was pregnant and the whole pregnancy not much changed. As you said thought it must have all been attached to the placenta because the moment that beautiful baby boy entered our life things changed. But i remember even if it seems like he doesn't.

[Amanda]

Yes, I often think about and miss those days with my husband too. I also mentioned this to my husband and suggested that it might be a bit easier for me to switch roles from "Mommy" to "wife" and "woman" in the evenings if there were more of these kisses during the day to remind me I'm more than just a butt wiper and referee.

[Michelle]

20 years for us next week, and I still remember kisses that weren't foreplay...still occasionally get them, and thankfully the 15 and 14 year old aren't too disturbed by them.

Just an aside, my 14yo boy had sex ed at school last term, and they discussed babies. I asked him which part, the making or the birthing. He said both. I asked him what he thought about it and his reply...'disturbing'. Guess I won't have to worry about girlfriends for a little while longer. A bit like my girlfriend's theory with her 4 girls. Tell them about sex while it is still 'Eewww', and they won't be interested later!