I want to write a sweet post about my daughter on her 5th birthday.
But lately, the sweetness is hard to find.
She pushes the limit of my patience with her opinions on everything, her sensitive spirit almost becoming a thorn in my side as she weeps at the littlest disappointment. She's determined to make decisions for herself, rarely swayed by our more experienced advice, no matter how hard we try to convince her otherwise. She's easily frustrated at anything she's unable to instantly accomplish and often refuses to try it if she's even remotely failed once.
I feel disconnected from her - like pawn in her daily game of chess, anxiously awaiting for her next move and wondering if I'll be knocked out or kept in play.
Her sweetness, which was once like her little sister, in constant smiles and frequent laughter, is less obvious, at least for me. Her bright beautiful pinks and reds are often awkward shades of orange, still magnificent in the right light, but otherwise harder to appreciate.
But when I step back and see her laying in the sun, I see the sweetness - the way she buys her brother a present with her birthday gift card, talks out of the side of her mouth when she's trying to be funny, and how she sings about how she never gets anything or does anything fun because I told her that she may not speak about them.
"Noooooobody likes me. I neeeeeevvverrrrrrrr get any pressennnnnnnnnnnnnnts. Life is terrribllll-la la la laaaaaa."
Even after five years as a mom, I feel like I'm brand new at his, mapping a course that has yet to be sailed.
On some days, I hold on for dear life, just trying to make it to another day without getting washed out to sea, the waves of emotion the sheer challenge of staying afloat often enough to make me toss myself overboard.
On others, I feel like I'm tied to the mast in a life jacket while she steers.
"I'm sailing! I'm SAILING!" I scream, like Bill Murray in What About Bob.
There are days, however, and there will be many more, where the water is smooth, and the wind in my face, though it tangles my hair and dries out my eyes, feels pretty damn amazing.
Regardless of what color you're "wearing" Quinlan, I'll do my best to see you in the right light. Happy 5th Birthday.
[photo credit Mom-101]
I guess that to receive the loans from creditors you must have a good motivation. Nevertheless, one time I have received a college loan, just because I wanted to buy a car.
Posted by: Johns34Caitlin | March 05, 2010 at 03:59 AM
Your post was very touching and so, so true. I have to admit, though, that the best part was the image of Bill Murray. Cracked me up! That feeling will continue into the teenage years. At least, it has for me.
Posted by: Erin | July 13, 2009 at 02:08 AM
Happy Birthday from Canada Quinlan. Hope you had a wonderful day!!!
Posted by: Marylou Bird | July 10, 2009 at 08:32 AM
Such a great post. You captured all the dissonance in raising a daughter. I was feeling similarly today, wondering how I could love so intensely the screaming child I wanted to silence with ever ounce of my being. Keep writing-- I love your words!
Posted by: SIS | July 09, 2009 at 11:25 PM
Happy birthday to your beautiful Q.
On the rest of it....I hear you. My dad and step-mom have seen H once. In nearly 10 months of life. Only because I took the kids out there. They don't call on birthday's, nor remember their only grandchildren in time for Christmas. It sucks.
All you can do is be there for your kids. Make it special for them and they won't have to feel the disappointment that we lived with. Do it better than my parents did, is all I can hope to do.
Posted by: Issa | July 08, 2009 at 06:39 PM
Happy happy happy to the both of you.
Posted by: patois | July 08, 2009 at 09:21 AM
Happy Birthday to your baby...even though she's not really a baby anymore. What a beautiful post! :)
Posted by: The Casual Perfectionist | July 08, 2009 at 02:03 AM
Happy Bday to Quinlan! Here's to more amazing days.
Posted by: Asianmommy | July 08, 2009 at 01:58 AM
Mine just turned 5 too. Why must they rule the world once fingers in their fist equals their age?
But...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY Q!
Posted by: Karianna | July 07, 2009 at 11:27 PM
Happy birthday to Q!
And no one ever told us that our kids would begin their school-age years acting like teenagers. I've heard that kids give the most attitude to the ones they love and trust the most. Lucky you!
Posted by: Christina | July 07, 2009 at 11:20 PM
I think there's an unspoken, collective myth that we're supposed to be in love and in awe with our children at every minute, to never resent or dislike them. We - or at least I - tend to forget that kids are real people too, with a depth and complexity to rival our own.
I love the honesty in your post, the simple balancing of love and sweetness with that sense of disconnect and desperation. It takes courage and I like to think that one day our daughters will appreciate us for admitting what a huge challenge raising them can be.
Thank you, and happy birthday - to both of you!
Posted by: shriek house | July 07, 2009 at 11:14 PM
You took the frustration right out of my mouth. Tiffany at Electric Boogaloo wrote this, recently: "If you have a four or five year old who is making you crazy, ... Oh holy moly, we are enjoying age six." While I cling to that promise with the ferocity of a bird gripping a flopping fish, I still can't help but feel that it shouldn't be like this. Somewhere, perhaps, I have fouled things royally and chased the sweet little girl into the corners with my, what? impatience? short-sightedness? mad love for her? Sigh. I am counting the days until six (though I just read above that six is bossy. I suppose, considering how bossy she already is, this is a relative term.)
**************
Hey, on a mildly related note, I saw your tweet with the beautiful birthday cupcakes (which wouldn't last a half day in my house). I am here to remind you that if Tastespotting won't take them, TasteStopping will! (I sent you an email a while back, but you probably didn't have any pictures of cupcakes lying around then!)
Best,
Casey
(you also know me as the kitchen witch)
Posted by: TasteStopping | July 07, 2009 at 09:13 PM
Happy Birthday Quinlan!
Posted by: The Other Sister-in-Law | July 07, 2009 at 07:43 PM
It sounds like she has a very strong personality...hm who else could that be like?
Posted by: Suebob | July 07, 2009 at 04:10 PM
There is so much emotional maturing at this age. I imagine it is nearly as tough to be turning 5 as it is to live with a child this age. My son will be 5 in just 2 weeks and his is definitely exploring how his words and actions affect the people around him. ::bangs head on wall::
Posted by: Heather | July 07, 2009 at 03:27 PM
Yay that sounds like five. I frequently feel that I have no idea what I doing with my daughter, especially since she has been so helpful with "advice" on how to care the house and her brother (six is bossy).
Happy Birthday Quinlan! Your mother's parenting adventures with you give a lot of moms hope.
Posted by: Angela | July 07, 2009 at 03:23 PM
You know, I feel better reading that. Roo's been a total pain in the butt since she turned 5. Perhaps it's a developmental stage. Yes, that's what I am going to believe...
Posted by: Naomi | July 07, 2009 at 01:48 PM
As always, Kristen, you put into such eloquent words exactly how I've been feeling. My daughter is very similar to Quinlan, I think...that 3rd paragraph is her to a T as well.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom, insight, and ups and downs with us...making me feel better about my own mixed emotions as a mom.
Happy Birthday Quinlan and happy momiversary to you, Kristen!
Posted by: Sara | July 07, 2009 at 01:23 PM
My four-year-old has that same dress and it's her favorite and she has been so mad that I won't let her wear it when it's 85 degrees and humid outside. She just came over and saw Q's picture and immediately pointed out that Q's mommy must be nicer because she's wearing her dress.
Beautiful post, Kristen.
Posted by: Meredith | July 07, 2009 at 01:13 PM
I'm just awed at how a few extra hours of sleep at night translated into such eloquent use of metaphors.
Nicely written and well said.
Posted by: Julie | July 07, 2009 at 12:33 PM
THANK YOU for saying that some days you just hold on for dear life. I had one of those days yesterday and am still feeling horrible from it. Your blog is a huge help to me. THANK YOU.
Posted by: Zozo's Mom | July 07, 2009 at 12:20 PM
I have such a hard time with birthday posts ... this one is lovely and perfect. Happy birthday, Q., from one Cancer to another!
Posted by: mayberry | July 07, 2009 at 12:18 PM
You summed up perfectly what I have been feeling about my own daughter. Who knew that the mood swings would start so early? I expected it around 10 yrs old, maybe 9 at the earliest, but not at 5 yrs old. I am comforted that I have been reading about it from other mothers. At least, I know that my daughter is normal and so am I.
Happy Birthday!
Posted by: SoMo | July 07, 2009 at 12:00 PM
I'm honored to share a birthday with Q. And don't worry, it seems to just be the nature of women born on this day. This too shall pass...or you will get used to it! LOL. Congrats on another great year, mama!
Posted by: Jessica | July 07, 2009 at 11:54 AM
Happy Birthday to Quinlan! Every year I too feel like I'm steering through uncharted waters with my oldest. Just when I think I've got this parenting thing figured out, they both throw me for a loop. I imagine most parents can say the same.
Posted by: Amanda | July 07, 2009 at 11:21 AM
Congratulations on making it 5 whole years! My 3 yr old has just entered the Snotty-Response-to-Everything phase... I'm not sure if either one of us will make it through another couple of years of that! ;)
Posted by: TheFeministBreeder | July 07, 2009 at 11:00 AM
Happy 5th birthday to your beautiful girl!!
And happy birthday to you, too =)
Posted by: Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com | July 07, 2009 at 10:54 AM
Happy Birthday to Quinlan! And congratulations to you. Five years with some sanity in tact is an accomplishment!!
My five year old daughter takes me on that roller coaster ride daily. We're currently exploring the same terrain. The absolutes: "Can we go swimming today?" - "No, there's a thunderstorm." - "I never get to do ANYTHING fun!!!" Even though we'd already been swimming twice that week. And the drama: SCREEEEEEEEEAM! "I can't get my shirt down!" Cue the tears and dramatic gestures. And the impatience: "When is dinner going to be ready? I'm hungry. I'm hungry. I'm hungry. I'm hungry." (repeat another 150 times.) And the occasional mean streak, most often fueled by the fire that is her hair-pulling two-year old sister. This begins normally with a scream directly into her sister's face and a shove so quick, you would miss it if you blinked.
But likewise - the scales always tip in the direction of the sweet smiles, the hugs she gives her sister when she thinks no one is looking, the way she always offers to help me with whatever I'm doing, her genuinely good heart and her the overall amazing little girl that she is.
It is nice, however, to weather the storm with others in the same boat. Thanks for your blog!
Posted by: The Zen Mommy | July 07, 2009 at 10:46 AM
It ain't easy. Having lived through that stage with PunditGirl, I often wondered what I was doing wrong or why I wasn't "mother enough" to understand her at that phase. It makes me feel a little better to know I wasn't the only one! Having said that, there now seems to be drama at every age and I am never sure how to navigate each new phase. *sigh*
Posted by: PunditMom | July 07, 2009 at 10:20 AM
Oh i can so relate to this! There are days that Grace infuriates me so incredibly much that I cannot imagine ever feeling tenderness for her again. And then it comes, like a wave, usually when i see her asleep.
She is six and still in the weeds of what you describe above, so I'm not sure this is a lot of solace. But I relate and hearing your words is such comfort. Thank you!
Posted by: Lindsey | July 07, 2009 at 10:13 AM
I remember struggling with a birthday post for Tacy after a year when it seemed as if we were usually at each other's throats.
She knows how much you love her. That supersedes any daily distractions that might trip you two up.
Happy birthday Quinlan!
Posted by: mothergoosemouse | July 07, 2009 at 09:52 AM
Happy 5th birthday, Q!
Posted by: marty | July 07, 2009 at 09:51 AM
Happy Birthday. I can so relate to this post. For years, my daughter was all eye rolling teen-bitchy like and everyone around me was all "whoa, you're going to have your hands full" and I was all shuddering in the corner.
Well, she just turned 11 and she is the sweetest child. Truly.
My hope-guess is that some of them just get it out of their system early and then it's all smooth sailing. With a few icebergs thrown in for fun.
Posted by: Marinka | July 07, 2009 at 09:03 AM
We've all been there. You'll love her through it. Happy Birthday beautiful girl.
Posted by: Keyona | July 07, 2009 at 09:02 AM
The first part sounds like she's a lot like her Mom. Independent, smart, makes her own decisions and no one tells her what to do. It's the greatest complement you can get!! You're raising a strong woman :) (BTW- my 5 yr old daughter is the same way and when I complain to my Mom, she always says "It's hard to look in the mirror isn't it?? LOL ) Enjoy her birthday it will go by fast, my oldest is 14 and it seems like yesterday he was 5!!
Posted by: Ruth | July 07, 2009 at 08:59 AM
My 7 year old nephew is totally in that phase too and it drives me crazy!! Let's both hope it passes eventually.
Posted by: Jamie | July 07, 2009 at 08:53 AM
It must be a five thing because I am feeling a lot of the same feelings towards my five year old son. I will always love him but I am finding it hard to like him right now.
Posted by: Awesome Mom | July 07, 2009 at 08:50 AM
Happy Birthday Quinlan! Be gentle with your mama, ok?
Posted by: Fairly Odd Mother | July 07, 2009 at 08:43 AM
It's extraordinary, this business of teaching all the while learning by the seat of our pants what the hell it is we're supposed to do.
Happy birthday to Quinlan and congratulations to you- both of you are doing better than you can know!
Posted by: amanda | July 07, 2009 at 08:35 AM
My mother used to tell me that she believed children choose their families. There's a reason you two found each other.
Much love, Quinlan! Happy birthday beautiful.
Posted by: Mom101 | July 07, 2009 at 08:34 AM
Happy birthday Q!
Posted by: Amy Jo | July 07, 2009 at 08:29 AM
This is a very nice post. I'm glad to hear it's not just me who has days where it's hard to find the sweetness in a daughter that age.
Posted by: Bill | July 07, 2009 at 07:40 AM