Sometimes Single Parent

I hit a parenting wall at around the 8th day of 10 or more days of being mostly alone. Even with a babysitter coming a few times a week, and a couple of napping kids, I still find myself longing for a peaceful place where there are no fights and poop accidents, and questions are only allowed to be asked once.

I'm guessing this place is also home to a family of flying pigs.

The combination of feeling lonely and overwhelmed, plus super tired from staying up until midnight to bask in the glory of a quiet home makes me a less than stellar parent.

And then I wonder what the hell I'm going to do when my babysitter goes back to college and my husband deploys to Afghanistan and the countdown to his return takes up more than just my two hands.

Since doing this for a couple of years now, I've gotten better at dealing with the challenges this lifestyle brings with it. I'm learning to suck up the loneliness and the often mundane existence. I've mastered cramming in work during nap time and late nights. And I'm even doing a better job of taking care of myself.

But that doesn't mean I don't lose it, and that doesn't mean I don't need a reminder to take a step back and enjoy the moments that would otherwise be lost in the blur of my SSP (sometimes single parent) existence.

Last night I vowed to approach today with an open mind and a patient heart. To enjoy the many small wonders of my day instead of harp on the few big challenges. To speak quietly when I'm angry and yell when I'm happy.

And to remind myself that I'm fortunate that relief is right around the corner.

Comments

[Erica]

Reading all of these posts makes me cry, but in a good way. I have started to feel like I'm the worst Mom because I feel so tired and cranky... oh and at times crazy!!! My husband is away also, but not in the military. He's in the "music business" (not the lucrative part) which leaves me alone with two little boys for months at a time.
I'm married to a wonderful man and he's a great help when he's actually here. However, its really hard to explain to him over the phone how insane the day to day stuff is when I'm alone!!!
I feel like I'm being whiny!

[Candace]

I can't believe I didn't realize you are a fellow military spouse.

My husband was AD Army (and was deployed to Iraq through my whole first pregnancy...well...not all...but we didn't realize I was pregnant until two days after he left and he got home for leave two days after the birth) and is now a National Guard commander.

The need for regular adult conversation is a big one, even for people who are not normally social.

I want to wish you and your family all the best during the deployment. I'll be thinking about you.

[Ann-Marie]

I agree about the late nights, I am in the process of trying to get our summer schedule back to the school schedule, which means everyone will have to go to bed earlier and get up earlier. Thank you.

[Michele]

Feeling a sisterhood....my Marine hubby has been deployed to the middle east for the last 13 months....have 2 kids(7 and 10) and the youngest one has special needs. Juggling all these balls and working as a teacher full time is hard. No help at all. Just me. Reading your blog and knowing that I am not alone (so it is NOT crazy to stay up until midnight just to enjoy the quiet!)provides much needed support.

[Carrie]

Wow- I can't imagine. I don't know how you do it. And with such style, too :)

Maybe my kids and I can help distract you sometime?

[Melissa]

I stay up for the same reason, Kristen.
If neither older child is in school, then it is off to preschool 5 days a week. I know they are half days usually, but it will help you alot and the kids will enjoy it too.
Start looking now.

[Zozo's Mom]

You = awesome. I'm sending you good vibes -- you deserve them. Your blog has gotten me through many a day.

[Danielle Miller]

I can't even imagine doing it alone that much. I'm still adapting to being a stay at home mom. I end up playing and/or napping all day while hubby is at work, then when he gets home, I do housework. Then when he goes to bed I do computer work. So I never get to see hubby because I'm just always working. And I feel bad about putting him straight on to baby duty as soon as he walks in the door.

[Kim]

I thought I was the only crazy mom who stayed up late for same reasons! Because of it, I am disorganized, tired, cranky and less patient with my little ones (four under the ages of seven). I don't have good advice, but am encouraged that I am not alone.

[RookieMom Heather]

I'm trying to yell without terrifying my kids... maybe quiet angry words would go over better?

[Amanda]

Thank you. I needed this reminder too. We've got 2 weeks left in a 35 day TDY assignment.

[Keep On S'myelin!]

To speak quietly when I'm angry and yell when I'm happy..I like that!

I think I should try the same thing because my staying up 'til midnight days are sounding much like yours.

[anita ovolina]

I hear you, it's tough - take it day by day, even moment by moment.
That's what I've tried to do otherwise it seems so overwhelming :)
Hugs,
Anita

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

I'm going to remember that part about speaking quietly when angry. Especially since we've got the windows open.

[Sherpamama]

My new mantra is, "I am a willow, I will sway and bend and dance in the storms". My husband is working away from home - gone 4 nights, home 3 and I do the same thing, stay up too late, tired in the morning and then every Thursday night, get filled with hope that my husband will come home and "rescue me" or if not , then at least acknowledge how hard it is for me to run two businesses, take care of two kids and keep up our home. Every Friday morning, I wake up at 6 am with the kids while he sleeps in and the bitterness sets in... It's hard, and you are a strong, amazing woman. Remember, you are a willow and will never break!

[Atlanticwriter]

I think we need to give ourselves permission to let things go a little when we're doing it on our own. We're so hard on ourselves but we need to remember we all yell and that's okay - just maybe not too much! I try to make sure at the end of the day I apologize for losing my temper. As another military wife I understand the absences and they are hard, however they also give us a strong bond with our children (if it doesn't kill us first!). I've learned it's okay to let there be a little more TV in house when he's gone, it's okay to have simpler meals and maybe splurge on a movie night and take out. Some days are better than others. I have yet to figure out the sleep issue though. My kids are early risers but I too savour the silence far too late into the evening.
Good luck and stay positive. By consiously thinking about how to be a better mom you are being a great mom.

[Woman with Kids]

There are days (MANY MANY) that I have to remind myself to appreciate, and hopefully enjoy, each day. As a single parent, I can find myself too often looking forward to when my teenage son and preteen son go to their dad's house. Then they have a water fight in the house and I start counting the hours...

[The Redhead Riter]

Hang in there!

☼Hope you're having a sunshine ☼ filled Sunday!☼

[delilah, the unruly helpmeet]

I get that, too, even when my husband *is* around.

There's this marvelous place in Marietta called The Coffee Park, and it's basically a coffee shop with wonderful on-site childcare, and if not for that place and their wonderful chai lattes, I think I would be insane.

[Lynna]

Time for a part-time or live-out nanny (only being a little facetious). My husband was in TV news while our kids were little and there were long stretches of almost-single parenting in my past. You just do it until it or you is done and wake up and do it again. But you are lucky...you have lots of readers who love you and support you.

[JessieG(j2tyco)]

"To Speak quietly when I am angry and yell when I am happy"

ohhh I LOVE that motto Kristen

[CB]

I just got done with deployment double-parenting duty. No fun. Mine was with a newborn now turned 7 month old. I wish you luck and strength.

[carolyn]

I'm a single mom, and now that my kids are teens, I don't get the luxury of staying up late to enjoy my quiet house. The darn kids can (and do) stay up later than I can these days, so I am in bed waayyy before they are. Maybe when the leave for college?

[Bobbie]

You are so right. With all the day to day struggles even "normal" families go through we need to remind ourselves every day that it is the little joys in life that keep us going. "To speak quietly when I am angry and yell when I am happy." I love it!

[Meredith]

I hope you have a wonderful day Kristen.

[VHMPrincess]

I don't know when yours leaves, but mine leaves 4 hours after we get home from the beach for 9 weeks. Me alone w/the kids for 9 weeks. AGAIN. It is hard, and even harder to be patient all the time. Right there with you on this one.

[Tricia (irishsamom)]

Your post spoke to my heart. You are amazing, considering how much you do on your own. I became a single mother almost two years ago and I related to almost everything you talked about - esp. the staying up too late because you finally have peace and quiet, the absolutely repetition of the mundane tasks that can make you feel insane, the impatience and losing your cool; but mostly to the lonely feeling of being this one person who has so much responsibilty and it never goes away! You really helped me today in knowing that none of us Moms, single, married or whatever we are are really that much different. Women are the ones who step up and get it done. :) thank you.