Not all bloggers are like that

Aside from reuniting with old friends, meeting new ones, and missing some that couldn't make it, this conference has been about explaining my new motto:

"Not all bloggers are like that."

We're not all about the free shit and the shameless self promotion and the bullshit drama that can only be explained as link bait.

I've spent most of this conference embarrassed that mommy bloggers interrupt your conversations to throw press cards at you for their sponsors, not even asking if the people actually have babies or kids. Annoyed by mommy bloggers elbowing babies (not mine) in the head to get to a SWAG bag.

And pissed off that mommy bloggers take a situation and turn it into a nasty hashtag and hate movement.

In fact, after this BlogHer, I really don't want to be called a mommy blogger ever again.

I stood in line for the limo behind a mom who was attending the Nikon event and was wondering whether it would be okay for her to bring her young baby - pushing her large stroller and car seat as we waited for our ride.

I wasn't sure if she'd be able to bring her baby but I figured that since it was a private invite-only double checkpoint cocktail party, she probably checked, or might expect that it might be possible that they might tell her that she couldn't bring him in.

I didn't think too much about it today until I heard there was a #nikonhatesbabies Twitter hashtag going around.

Now I'm certainly not one to shy away from expressing my opinions about brands doing it badly. I gave Fishful Thinking a piece of my mind on twitter, I made a Motrin Moms spoof, and I shared my strong feelings about Johnson's Camp Baby.

And based on my own personal and professional experiences with each of these situations, I felt that they warranted attention.

But this whole "I have a voice so I'm going to use it no matter who it fucks" is not something I want to be associated with.

The party was in a small bar with an indoor and outdoor section that had no room for a large stroller. It was dark and loud and not conducive to having a baby.

And if I hadn't tracked down and paid a pretty penny for a sitter, I wouldn't have gone.

Aside from talking to the PR firm beforehand about bringing a baby (which a few moms actually did), I think babywearing or finding a babysitter (which I had to do at the very last minute because my mom didn't end up coming) was in order.

It was not a mom blogger event. This is BlogHer. Not BlogMom. There were a bunch of amazing bloggers from all sorts of backgrounds attending the event.

And honestly, if they had said "no" to a baby in a sling, I wouldn't have been surprised either.

When do you bring a baby to a loud cocktail party without asking first? This was an off-site event not sponsored by BlogHer and it's up the sponsor to determine what was appropriate.

So before you jump on a bandwagon and spread the negative word about a sponsor who actually threw an amazing event, check your facts.

Anything does not always go.

Comments

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[Muhabbet büyüsü]

Uff da. But beyond that, who picked San Diego Comic-Con weekend for BlogHer? That's just crazy.

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[WaltzInExile]

This was my first BlogHer, and I had no idea any of this was going on (then again, not exactly A-list. Or E-list, even.) However, I've read past years' BlogHer debriefs from several of you veterans, so I figured there was drama happening somewhere. Honestly, I was so afraid I was going to do or say something tacky and end up being the bad example of someone's debrief that I was afraid to talk to anyone, including you, Kristen. During Saturday cocktail hour, I was with 2 other women speaking to Amalah (& Ezra) when you (& Margot) walked up, and I stood next to you for more than 10 minutes, too cowed to even say "Hello." (So if you remember a weird mute woman in any creepy way, my apologies. Was tongue-tied.)
I guess I'm just trying to say that not all of us rookies are like that, either.

[Heather - Dollar Store Crafts]

Esther talked about the Nikon event on her blog and the misunderstandings about the #nikonhatesbabies hashtag... (no drama - read it to get her side of the story) http://www.faintstarlite.com/2009/07/babies-blogher-bars/

[Whit]

That's exactly how I'm not! Except free drinks. I'm entitled to free drinks. And no baby better stand in my way.

It was great meeting you.

[fkdupdad]

That's insane! Great post.....

[mojavi at Simple Things]

honestly same shit different year... second verse same as the first... blah blah...

[jodifur]

So I thought I left a comment on this post and now I can't find it and if I double commented I apologize.

My comment was basically this, amen sister friend. Wrote a similar post and I'm appalled at the behavior of some people. This was my first BlogHer and while I had a great time, I honestly don't know if i can stomach going back.

Also, I'm a little in love with you after meeting you. I hope that is alright.

[Regina]

I heard you on NPR yesterday. I got all excited because I love your blog and I love NPR. Weird when two things collide like that. Great story, too.

[Crystal]

I don't get why people keep focusing on the baby being out at 11pm. Who cares if a baby is out that late? My child never goes to bed before 10pm at the earliest, but that's b/c she sleeps until 10am. Having a baby out that late is not a problem if that's the baby's normal thing. The problem here isn't the baby, the bedtime or anything to do with the baby. It's grown people not realizing that what is a joke to them might be construed as maliciousness (b/c it's the internet and you can't read someone's tone people!) by others and cause a company huge pr issues.

[Kayris]

I left a long comment earlier, but I guess the word verification ate it.

Anyway, pretty much what I said was that I don't really understand the venom on either side.

I basically agree with Mommymae that's it's rude to show up with an univited guest without verifying that it's okay, EXCEPT that this was an event sort of coinciding with BlogHer. I've never been, but it's my understanding that babies are welcome at BlogHer, so it's a reasonable assumption that babies would also be welcome at the Nikon event.

In any case, the mother in question has already admitted that she messed up (haven't we all) and her Nikonhatesbabies thing was a joke. It was OTHERS who took it and ran with it and created the outrage.

As for babies in bars, was this an actual bar, or a restaurant with a bar in it? Because if's it is illegal for a child to be in a place with a bar, I shouldn't have been able to take my kids to eat at Outback a few weeks ago. I also think people have missed the point that the baby was 11 weeks old. 11 week old babies sleep and eat and that's about it. If he or she isn't crying, who really cares? I'd never take either of my kids to a bar now because they are too old (this means loud and fidgety), but my first was 9 days old the first time he was in a bar. It was a local place, smoke-free and we stayed just long enough to have a beer. No one seemed to mind and the owner and regular patrons were tickled to see us. Of course, this is a place where people routinely bring dogs too, but I just really can't identify with being offended by the presence of a tiny sleeping baby in any venue.

[girlplease]

Just as a mom who left her baby at home, I will say that I found it strange to bring a baby to a party late at night. Not because it was "adults only" or whatnot but because I see a 2 month old or whatever age the kid/baby is, as a baby/kid and should be in bed for their own routine and health. Do I think that a kid/baby can come in the day to meet with other women--mothers or not? Sure if it was asked and ok. But at night? I just thought it wasn't wise. I felt very uncomfortable seeing this adorable 2 month old in a stroller at 11pm knowing my 7 month old is in bed, as he should be, at home. However, I have taken my baby to places where people looked down at me--a wine tasting event. It was my first time out in 4 months, it was something my husband and I enjoyedf together for years, and he wanted to show others we knew at the event our son. But we did get the looks from hell by bringing him. However, what these strangers didn't understand is I had ONE glass of my favorite wine and the rest was socializing while watching him. When I saw people getting too drunk (people can't hold their liquor), I left with him. I think there can be a balance with babies and adult events but it's about respect and common sense. Sorry this got out of line and dramatic for both sides but as a mom, I just think judgement and sacrifice needs to come before "hey I want to be with my friends". But I will say when people say words that have "hate" in them (child free or a parent), you look like a reall asshole and douchebag. Be more repsectful to others and yourself.

[Kayris]

I'm afraid I don't get the outrage--on either side.

Mommymae said this: "it's been said by others, but if your baby isn't on the invite, you should ask if you are allowed to bring them. same goes for any party/wedding/shin-dig. sad thing is, not many people know this rule of thumb."

Generally, I tend to agree, BUT since this was an event sort of associated with BlogHer, (I've never been, but I have the impression that it's marketed in a way that encourages moms to bring their babies.), that is was a reasonable assumption on the part of the mom that her baby was included. And she's already explained that the "Nikonhatesbabies" thing was a joke and it was OTHER women who ran with it and turned it into outrage. Not that this kind of thing is new. Didn't Johnson have some sort of mom event a couple of years ago and then basically uninvite some of the moms when they found out they were planning to bring their babies?

I'm also a little surprised by those who are so offended by the thought of a baby in a bar. My two kids are old enough that we always leave them at home, but the baby in question in this case was only 11 weeks old. Not some toddler running around breaking things and demanding Cheerios and making a scene. 11 weeks. What do 11 week old babies do? Sleep and eat and that's about it, and as long as the baby isn't crying, what's the big deal?

My first child was 9 days old the first time he was in a bar. I was a brand new mom, loathe to leave him for even an hour, and he was also breastfeeding and wanted to eat approximiately every 47 minutes. So we went to a local bar, smoke-free, and stayed long enough to have a drink and then went home. He slept the whole time and the owner was so glad to see us that he took our picture and stuck it up on the wall. We no longer take our kids there because it's more crowded and because they are a little too old (and by this, I mean loud) for such a venue. But I didn't feel weird taking a newborn there and it doesn't bother me when I see other people with tiny sleeping babies out.

[Kathleen]

I was actually in line behind Esther for the party, and to be clear, she was disappointed about not being able to attend but didn't fuss or throw a fit. She just kind of shrugged and walked away with her cute baby. From reading the hashtag, it seemed like she started the Twitter thing as a joke.

I personally wouldn't have brought my son to a party like that (it was small, crowded, and full of expensive equipment), so I'd say that the Nikon people were right in saying no to the stroller. Plus the elevator down to the venue stopped working at the end of the night, so the inconvenience of having to carry a stoller/carseat up the steps could have turned into a hashtag too!

[Liz]

I like Issa's comment:

"Reality though, is it's just stuff. If you paid this much money to come to a conference for free crap, maybe you just should have bought it all yourself."

I've gone to a lot of conferences in my life and if you are going to take the time off from your life, pay for airfare, hotel rooms, food, etc., it better damn well not be all for a few giveaway items. What a waste of money & your time plus it sounds like some people made asses of themselves. Save your money, stay home and just buy the things that you want with the money you would have spent.

Then maybe people can do the real work of conferences which is making face-to-face connections, being inspired, presenting ideas, etc. Those moments can influence your life and are worth infinitely more than a free sample of detergent.

I'm really questioning whether to go to Blogher10...there might be a better conference for me to go to that is about blogging and not about not about the perks.

[MDTaz]

I really didn't get what all the fuss was about until I read a week's worth of tweets and several follow-up blog posts about the frenzy of excess and entitlement that went on at BlogHer.

I want to say thanks to you (and other bloggers) who are speaking out against it. I'm new to this community, and I want to be part of it -- if it's about good writing and expression, and content that's put forward with integrity. I appreciate that you are taking a stand to preserve that.

And, I think it's worth a big head nod to Esther (in the comments, above), who came clean on her negative tweet and regrets it publicly. In the end, it is a "teaching moment" for all of us.

[jaden]

Yes, I heard about this, saw it on Twitter. That's just too bad how it all turned out.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

@natalie - Esther and her cute baby were extremely cool. I take a bigger issue with people making this a huge EPIC FAIL.

[natalie]

"It was not a mom blogger event. This is BlogHer. Not BlogMom."

I always feel like I'm not a part of the blog crowd because I don't have kids. Even though I'm a fan of Blogher and writing.

So I'm glad there's someone out there with a child who believes the same way.

Kids don't belong in bars. Will someone please rat out that woman? Only because I'm curious - and thrive on drama. Whatev.

[Karen Sugarpants]

You realize I never comment hardly because you always nail everything perfectly.
Well you did it again. I was embarrassed for our tribe.

[sam {temptingmama}]

I'm glad you wrote this Kristen, and as always, you've done an excellent job.

I was so disappointed to come across this hash tag BS Saturday morning because I truly had a wonderful time at that party and thought they had done a GREAT job.

It was wonderful to finally meet you and your gorgeous daughter! xo

[Janice (5 Minutes for Mom)]

I was so busy, I missed most of the drama. I had so much fun seeing my dear friends and making new ones, that honestly I was oblivious to most of the negativity.

(I did witness an incident of ugliness when I was standing with my dear friend Ciaran, when someone who was angry that the swag was all gone at her party rudely asked Ciaran if she worked there! Excuse me?!? Ciaran and her co-hosts had worked so hard to host a party -- not a swag sale! We attendees should be gracious for the event and be thanking the hostesses for working so hard. Swag is a gift we are not entitled to. If it is there, fine. If it isn't, who cares. That isn't why we were there in the first place!!!)

It is very disappointing when people behave poorly. But I am absolutely determined to be positive and try to not focus on the negative. Having said that, I do get in a rage though when people make a bad name for mom bloggers. I am human. I do rage. LOL

But then I try very hard to let it go and get back to my mission of empowering the online mom community. There is SOOO much good out there. It is just the bad news that gets the press unfortunately. There is so, so, so much good!

[Melissa]

Wow. I was sitting at home, jealous that I didn't get to go to BlogHer this year, and now, not so much.

I really appreciate you highlighting the fact that this particular issue is NOT about whether or not people should have babies at bars, but more about thinking about our statements before we make them. It is incredibly difficult to judge tone in on-line writing, more so when you only get 140 characters to say what you mean, so something that was meant as sarcastic or tongue-in-cheek can easily be misinterpreted and then blown out of proportion. Something to definitely be aware of, especially in this day and age of social networking, when we have much larger audiences than we are aware of.

As for those who wouldn't have babies in bars, I really do believe that's a norm that is culturally (and often geographically) instilled. When I lived in Spain and went out to bars I was guaranteed to see not just infants, but small children as well. On the flip side, even if you would bring your children to a bar, it does help to know the law in the state that you're visiting. In Washington state, where I'm from, no one under 21 is allowed into a bar, or the bar section of a restaurant. Ever. Whether they're two months, twenty months, or twenty years old and with their parents, they simply aren't allowed.

[Melanie]

I was appalled at the "outrage" against Nikon. It's ridiculous how much people think the world should cater to them.

[Daisy]

I didn't get to go to BlogHer this year (which was ironic considering I live in Chicago but of course my brother got married that exact same weekend...) and I was pretty bummed. I'm still disappointed as I would have loved to have met some people & attended some parties & panels and learned a few things.

That said, it sounded like BlogHer turned into New Orleans (where I went to college). Most of the people who came have perfectly nice manners & intentions but once they got there they forgot about everything they ever learned & suddenly there they are flashing their chests (New Orleans) or diving for swag (BlogHer). I suppose I have to decide the fun part of next year (just like the good food & fun in New Orleans) is worth the lumps.

(Oh and taking a baby into a bar is very tsk tsk...that said, I totally see how a situation like that got out of control in no time flat. With social media we've forgotten to digest & filter for a few minutes before shooting off our initial reaction.)

[lorrie]

I completely sympathize with people who want to parent and also enjoy a social life. I became a mother at age 40, and most of my friends were packing their kids off to college. I missed out on a lot of groovy parties, or attended them alone while dh babysat, or begged grandparents to take them. (We have a pool and I did not trust teenagers, knowing what a sorry babysitter I was once upon a time)
But babies do not belong at loud, dark cocktail parties with expensive equipment displayed.

I'm going to go fondle my D300 now. Cya.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

@Crystal - I don't care what you said. You commented on my blog.

Off to faint.

[Jen14221]

I've been blogging for 5.5 years which I think is kind of a long time, dand I was not invite to the invite only party...nor was I invited to any invite-only parties at BlogHer. But I didn't care - it was my first BlogHer, I had tons of fun, and I am not a douche.
I also think that anyone bringing a baby to the fancy-pants-in-a-fancy-bar/restaurant-Nikon-party may not have been thinking about the BABY.

[Crystal]

P.S. Kristen, that comment was not directed at you - your subject was totally different - but at the folks saying you shouldn't bring a baby to a bar.

Sorry to derail

[Crystal]

I disagree, albeit respectfully. I think it's perfectly fine to bring a baby to bar, provided you're not going to Roadhouse.

I worked and managed bars for years and years and never thought twice about a woman bringing a baby or child in if she was there to meet girlfriends. It's a gathering where there's alcohol...that's like saying you can't bring a baby to a party.

I saw one woman drink (a LOT)and breastfeed, which appalled me, but other than that, the mothers were responsible. They stayed for a bit, got some much needed adult interaction and left to put their children to bed. Really, I don't understand why it's such a big deal to be in a place with your child just because they serve alcohol. Unless you're sporting a tube top, smoking Marlboros and pushing the baby aside to show someone your tits, live and let live.

(and didn't get to meet you. Drat)

[mommymae]

it's been said by others, but if your baby isn't on the invite, you should ask if you are allowed to bring them. same goes for any party/wedding/shin-dig. sad thing is, not many people know this rule of thumb.

[Asha {Parent Hacks}]

Thank you for this, K. Wow. Observing this as one who "attended" BlogHer only through vicarious tweeting, I'm thoroughly amazed by the uproar around sponsorships, swag and the like. I'm one who believes that brands and blogs can coexist peacefully, even fruitfully, given we all maintain our honesty and standards (hence why I'm so excited that you, Liz, Susan and Julie have given "Blog with Integrity" a voice).

It's a shame that, since the beginning, there's been a rift in the community of mommybloggers. First it was about cliques, then traffic, then about the quality of the writing, then advertising, and now "blogola." Sadly, part of me wonders if infighting is just part of the game.

I appreciated Laurie's honesty in recognizing the mob mentality when she saw it. No one's immune to the allure of free stuff. Everyone will make mistakes. The best we can do is to:
-- act in a way we can feel proud of (and applaud others who are doing the same)
--and when we don't, own up to it and apologize (and refrain from judging others who are as human as we are).

Glad you and others are framing this conversation so intelligently.

[amanda]

I went to read about the baby/NIkon hullabaloo and frankly, I was not at all incensed as I had unwittingly prepared myself to be. It was late, it wasn't mom or baby-centric. I think perhaps it could be said that the issue wasn't addressed with the greatest finesse, but let's be real, who's perfect?

As with anything, the conference and the party were imperfect, but within them I found much, much perfect.

[David Valencia]

#someofyouaremilfs and #someofyoudeperatelywishyouweremilfs - My single buddies and I had a field day with you all ( Cougars included) at #MilfFest09. LOVE YOU ALL!! Just sick to our stomachs that it won't be in Chicago next year.

[Rita Arens]

When asked my opinion about the Nikon party, I said basically the same thing: If it were me, I would've gotten a sitter, not a hashtag.

[Amy in OHio]

Man, a full four days of happiness (albeit exhausted happiness) and thirty minutes on Twitter pisses all over it.

Sad state of affairs in our once community these days.

[Greg]

I don't know what all the bickering on swag is about. I was handed a jump drive, three free samples of laundry detergent and a sample of some flavored lube when Surrender Dorothy returned home.

In that order.

I promptly threw the jump drive away, took her clothes to the laundry and ended up using the lube like an after dinner mint.

I always remember the tired phrase "Act like you've been there before" when it comes to return trips to conferences. Have fun the first time, but leave the goodies for the new people when its not your first time. I used to travel as an exhibitor for trade shows and conferences and laughed at situations like this. Here's a secret though: Sleep in and cure your hangover then, in a reasonable and stable fashion, make your way to the exhibit booths. Grab a business card and email the contact on the card. Let them know you were happy to meet them and were interested in the promotional stuff they bought, but were too late to take part. Let them know you would be happy to check out what they were promoting if they have any left and, if so, send it to: YOUR ADDRESS.

Not only will you be able to fly back with the only bags you went with, you will also save babies in the process and shit your pants when the size of the box arrives at your house. Marketers are marketers. Nothing is exclusive.

BTW: Sorry you missed me, I couldn't make it.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

@Deb - I disagree.

I don't think that someone invited to a party should assume that in doing so they'd be provided babysitting allowance. I'd love to live in that place.
I'm not sure when that ever happens.

I don't know if Esther was invited or if she was a plus-1 (like me. I was not invited, but Liz Mom101 offered to take me as her guest).

The guest list went out to over 200 women - not just mom bloggers - and I still don't think it's fair that they're getting bashed for assuming that people would know not to bring kids.

They actually did a great job, from my understanding, in trying to do what they could, but the venue (and I believe the city of a Chicago as a no babies with liquor law - sounds funny but I think true) wouldn't allow it. They felt terrible.

I really think the bigger issue here is what happened after Esther was turned away. When we don't get invited to something or we do and then we find out our situation we have the power to tweet (albeit she meant for it to be a joke) and make something really huge.

I just don't think that's using our voices in a constructive way. We have a responsibility.

[Chantel]

I have never referred to myself as a "mommy blogger" because I felt it places limits on what I write about. My blog is about me, my life and what I'm going through. Yes, I'm a mom but I'm also a woman.

Thank you for posting this. It needed to be said. Everyone will have their own opinion on what happened but I think it needs to be talked about.

Hopefully everyone can grow up before BlogHer10.

[Deb]

I think you have to also ask why this type of disgruntled tweet has viral legs, and that might be hard for you to see as you were invited. If a corporation has a private invite scene, they better do a damn fine job of communication, give you a tremendous exchange for you time (and babysitting expenses) and handle any problems well, or an unhappy person (justified or not) might get viral tail because the rest of the uninvited world is ready to forward the message. It's part of the game and Nikon knows that, and I'm sure they are disappointed with their mistake, though ultimately happy that they hits and apologists. Especially when the symbolic "door closed in your face" is invoked, the message is going to move.

[zchamu]

I think I'm just as disappointed by the people who are choosing to criticize other people's parenting choices than I am at the whole brouhaha. Who cares if someone felt it was ok to bring their baby to a cocktail party? Their family, their choices. I agree the Nikon bashing was way out of line, but so is the bashing of other moms. We're beyond that, ladies, or at least I'd hoped we were.

[nic @mybottlesup]

k- well written and well said.

[VDog]

That venue was not a place I would have brought my own baby.

More information certainly COULD have been given.

I'm just very sad about all the drama. Can we just go back to last year and complain that we didn't get invited to GuyK's house?? heh. (Which I totally crashed, btw.)

[Beth]

After reading this, I'm almost afraid to go next year. It worries me to think that some women behaving this way are raising children. If I go, I'll be sure to get a baby-sitter so I don't have to worry about my children possibly being trampled or knocked in the head by another mother trying to grab free stuff. Maybe I'm naive, but I'm just floored over this behavior. It sounds like crap you'd see at 4 AM for a Black Friday sale.

[Marianne Thomas]

Thanks for offering clarification (both you in the post and Esther in the comments) as to the facts of what happened. I did see some of the early tweets about this but not the hashtagged ones (wifi was spotty for me at BlogHer).

The supporting facts do matter (no matter what the situation is) and that's one part of social media that can go wrong so fast and so easily when everyone has the power of insta-publishing across several platforms.

Enjoyed BlogHer, liked the sessions I sat it in and loved the parties I attended and the time to just hang out with great bloggers. I'm thankful to the sponsors for their generosity (still overwhelmed by what I did receive), but the get-all-you-can greed for free stuff I witnessed was troubling.

[Carolyn]

I agree with Angie, you don't bring babies or children to bars.

[kgirl]

Great post.

A private party is not the mall. I'll still wave my Mommyblogger flag proudly, but I'll also be a mindful consumer, appreciative guest and try to demonstrate just a bit of common sense when out with the masses.

[getsheila]

Why would anyone bring a child to a cocktail party? It is like taking a child to a bar.

I am not against drinking in the presence of children - picnics, BBQ's, sporting events - but a cocktail party brings to mind visions of snappily dressed adults mingling in close proximity while sipping colorful drinks and nibbling on canapes.

What parent would want to keep track of a child in that environment, stroller-bound or not? And how much fun or networking are you going to accomplish while distracted with parenting?

Then to lash out at the party sponsor because the parent did not get her way, well, that's just tacky.

[Jenny, the bloggess]

Kristen, I'm sorry to comment twice and take over your comment section but I just want to say that I am officially in love with Laurie (of Laurie Writes) and Esther because both were able to look inward and see things from a different perspective even if it meant admitting here in the comments to so many people here that they aren't perfect in every decision and were able to see things from a different perspective after the fact. That takes courage and should be applauded by us all.

The whole "Blogging with Integrity" badge you posted in your last post about vowing to "attack the idea and NOT the person" is so important and I think, Kristen, that your last comment about how this is less about Esther's personal choice on how personal parenting choices and more about the idea of what happened afterward is such an important distinction and one I'm so glad you included. Thank you.

Also, ditto on the "cultural differences" comment about babies in bars. In Texas we bring babies in bars all the time. In fact, my dad brought a miniature donkey in one last year because it was too hot in the car to leave him there. True story. Luckily, no one was there to blog about him and what a horrible decision that was. Except that I totally did because who the hell brings a donkey in a bar?! My father, apparently.

Also, I'd like to add that all the people in the bar loved Jasper (that's our pet donkey's name) being there and apparently thought it was fine. Again, it's rural West Texas. I have no other excuse here.

[MommyGeek]

Nikon, and the bar owners, had a responsibility to ensure that everyone at that party was safe - babies included. I think that, ultimately, was why she was turned away. She probably should have checked, but if she didn't.... I say you can't be upset if you're turned away. Not at something like that. You can't expect admission - it's not a McDonald's playspace or a playground.

I don't know who the blogger was or how she personally reacted - I've tried to stay away from the whole drama bit of BlogHer - but the folks who jumped on the bandwagon to turn it into a witchhunt are ridiculous and unthinking, in my opinion.

[Shannanb aka Mommy Bits]

I wish we could have met at BlogHer. Your post and thoughts are refreshing.

[Monica @ Mommy Brain Reports]

Now that I'm home, I'm just now hearing about all of these things.. I'm very sad to hear that babies got elbowed, or sponsors were being called out like that.

I had a great time meeting people and talking to sponsors.. some of them about how much I truly love their products, some how I think they might be able to improve theirs... I think it was a great opportunity to be a voice for moms.

I attended the Nikon party too, so I totally understand why they said no strollers.. it was not a place that could accommodate them! Many of the private events were held in smaller locations.. thus the RSVP, limited attendees, etc.. She should have asked prior to the party...

[Elisa]

The first I heard of this was the last night of BlogHer. And I was shocked. I couldn't believe peopel could be so childish - this was the equivalent of a toddler's tantrum throing yourself on Twitter instead that on the floor. Ridiculous. Why would you bring a baby to a loud party, anyway? With alcohol, and candles, and so many people, and loud music and voices, and people smoking? Give me a break.

[Deborah]

I am always horrified at how we as women can so easily turn something that should be a tremendous opportunity to grow into something that so closely resembles high school. As if anyone has enough time and energy to go back to high school. I haven't read all the comments above, but I can say I think it cheapens how very cool the blogging community has become to use it to salve a hurt ego--and that happens constantly. I was disappointed I couldn't go with my husband to BlogHer this year, but knew that we'd miss many of the events because we'd have taken our infant son. And that would've been the price: you can't always take the baby. Pout all you want, but don't expect the whole world (which, by the way, is full of other mommies who've also had to figure out what to do with the baby) to feel bad if you couldn't take your combat assault stroller into the bar. I mean, I took my newborn to class with me when I was a single mother in college, but I didn't take her to the final exam, knowwhatI'msaying?

[Fairly Odd Mother]

I went to the EA Sports offsite party (which ran at the same time as Nikon) and there was a 2yo in the bar w/ her mom, so I suppose each bar has their own level of comfort for that sort of thing.

I have been pretty liberal with my Twitter hashtags and I guess this served as a warning to me to think twice before I hit enter. I don't know Esther, but it sounds like she meant this to be funny and it just went horribly awry.

As far as the drama over the insane Extreme Swag Bag Grabathon, I stayed far away from that by not being anywhere near parties when they were handing out bags. And funny, I still came home with more shit than I could imagine. I hope whoever elbowed a baby for a baby or left bruises on the arm of one mom I saw is sooooooo happy to have scored a vibrator or whatever-the-hell she got. That behavior is pathetic.

[Michelle Lamar]

If there was ever a time for Blogging with Integrity, it's now. So glad you guys started the movement last week because if you had not started Blog with Integrity, I would have quit blogging.

It was great to see some friends and meet new people at BlogHer but some of the things I saw there at BlogHer made me sick at heart.

I have a couple of thoughts for a couple of people who have given their opinions on this situation.

Thanks Kristen for writing this and I think your tone is diplomatic.

Liz, I'm sad too.

Meghan Francis-You have the life experiences and the parenting experience to know what is appropriate and what is NOT appropriate in terms of bringing your kids to business events. I enjoyed being with you and your baby over the course of the weekend.

Esther-
God knows I've made my share of mistakes in my life, so people in glass houses (like me) can't throw stones.

I've been juggling motherhood and work situations since many of the bloggers I met this weekend were in HIGH SCHOOL.

Nikon invited people to the party at night because it was a business event, because mommy blogging has become quite a big business these days.

In business situations, there are rules of engagement.

If you'd like to talk about some of the "rules" for these type of situations, I'd love to talk to you and share with you some of the stuff I've learned along the way.

If you think I'm being unkind, I'm not. I'm just trying to help you because it helps all of us. Your actions reflect on all of us.

[Lady M]

I met some folks over the weekend while with my sister, who is an entertainment blogger. They slammed the stuff-grubbing mommies for a while, before I felt obliged to explain that we're NOT all like that! Sigh.

It was nice to see you (and cute Margot!) again.

[whoorl]

Amen. AMEN.

[Denise]

I've been very entertained by both sides of this debate, both of which I understand. But in my personal opinion, I wouldn't attend Blogher with my children, why? Because I'm selfish. I would want to hang out at parties, events, watch and listen to speakers at my leisure. My children create a whole different scenario and comfort level for me.

[Amanda Hill]

I wasn't at BlogHer, but Ive been so embarrassed of being a mommy blogger because of the entitlement and attitudes that Ive all but quit writing on my blog because I long to not be associated with it. The outrageous promotion and the begging on twitter for free shit makes me physically ill. I'm sad, because I was once proud to be a mom blogger. I miss not being embarrassed.
Also, please excuse the form of this comment as I am writing from my iPhone and it's hard to edit.

[Issa]

@muskrat - That is just horrible. I just, yeah there are no words for that kind of stuff.

I can honestly say, that while I came home with a tiny bit of swag (I gave most of the very little I got, away), I really wish there had been none of it. Like at all. I know that's not possible, because sponsorship of the conference is what makes it affordable for us to go.

But gah, it causes so many issues. I saw some of what you did. People pushing and shoving for a bag. I saw people cut in front of people who had been standing in line for 30 minutes. I heard many people bitch about not getting what they was owed to them in some ways.

Reality though, is it's just stuff. If you paid this much money to come to a conference for free crap, maybe you just should have bought it all yourself.

[Laurie]

Confession: I went to the Swiffer thing on Thursday night and they ran out of bags while I was in line. I kind of lost my mind - blame exhaustion. Those bags were sweet! Little video cameras, even, and I'm the photo writer over at the site so yeah, I deserve a camera, right?

I thought, I deserve a camera, and a flat iron, and the big old beach towels in the largest tote bags in all the land, because after all I did rsvp and truck myself over there and I am smart and pretty and deserving and all these people with these bags are mean and laughing at me blahblahblah. Then I took myself back to the hotel and punched myself in the face, which set me up nicely for the weekend.

This stuff brings out the baser side of many of us - free stuff, lines, alcohol, snacks, mob mentality, group think, whatever buzzword there is, it applies in these situations. But getting off to a start like that, for me, was a huge, "why am I here?" sort of wake up call. I have NEVER cared more about stuff than people at this conference - in fact it is the people who make it the life-altering organization for me that it is - and I don't want to start now.

(Also that Swiffer party was super organized and fun besides. All love.)

I was at Nikon. It was fun. I do have to say though that transport to and navigation of that venue was tough for me as an uncoordinated woman in heels - the elevators and the rain and the outside space and the relatively small bar, wow. (It was a lovely spot, just very narrow layout.) I can't imagine it with a stroller, but I'm not a parent so I haven't had your practice. :) At another event, I had to literally climb up on a bench to get out of a group of people who were bag-crazy - for bags stuffed with unknown stuff! I wasn't afraid, and I've been joking about it, because it was kinda crazy.

I say every year that this event is what you make it, that it's 500 mini-conferences in one, and I believe that as it grows that becomes more true. I'm glad I punched myself on Thursday, because the conversations I had, the connections I made and strengthened and the stuff I learned over the next three days were ridiculously awesome. No stuff compares. And for this kind of experience, I'll even go back to that weird compound at the Hyatt in San Jose in 06, where I bought a t-shirt from Eden Kennedy at what amounted to a sidewalk sale and was thrilled to death. This event is what you make it and so many people make it great that I hope that essence is kept regardless of some off-the-wall things that I never foresee until we're there hashing it out!

(Sorry to run on. I'm still in the hotel and it's more on my mind.)

[Mrs. Flinger]

I saw your tweet with the twitpic and "nikonlovesbabies" and meant to retweet that (but you know how you get sucked in to something else?) but I was SO HAPPY to see you do that. I couldn't agree more and was so glad to feel a bond that someone else got IT.

Thank you. For getting it.

[Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]]

You don't bring a baby to a bar.

Period.

[muskrat]

I had nothing to compare this year's event to, of course, but I did get a little doll (that another blogger gave me from her swag bag at BowlHer, b/c I didn't get one, having not RSVP'd in time, and she has a son) for my 3-year-old that I set just outside the mens room next to ChiBar underneath the BowlHer pictures of me for maybe 1-2 minutes. When I came out, the box with the Moxie doll was gone. The pictures remained.
I was livid...mainly, incredulous that someone would swipe a child's toy sitting underneath a bunch of photos. I tweeted about it, and several other attenders then tweeted about it as well, genuinely concerned and trying to help me get it back.
Not a huge deal now that I'm home, but it certainly evidenced the affliction you've referenced above.

[Poppy Buxom]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

This is what I'd like to say to all the women who helped create this shitstorm:

It's great that you want to use your voice--but could you please make it your voice of reason?

[Motherhood Uncensored]

I think that in this specific case, the issue (at least for me) is less about Esther's choice and more about how it was handled after the fact, not necessarily by her but by folks who decided to jump on a bandwagon and turn it into an "EPIC FAIL BLOGGER OUTREACH."

[Danielle Friedland]

I don't blame the mothers for wanting to bring their babies to the event as we all know the limitations of childcare. However, I do take issue at the moms' assumption that it was ok to bring a child without asking ahead of time. After all, I would not bring an adult guest to a party unless my invitation said +1 or I cleared it with the host in advance.

Additionally, another reason to inquire about bringing your child is that who wants to be somewhere that their child could potentially be made to feel unwelcome and I would not assume that a private evening party was the place to assume they would be welcomed.

[Karen (Submommy)]

Hmm. I was gone on vacation all last week and went Blog & Twitter silent for the entire vacation. I knew BlogHer was going on, but didn't engage.

I now know that I am justified in deciding NOT to attend, and why I haven't commercialized my blog. What you are describing sounds jaw-droppingly annoying. Not to mention unethical.

I am a Nikon customer. A faithful one at that.

[julie]

I feel like I'm watching a car wreck. Repulsed, but I can't seem to look away.

Weird.

[Jenny]

um, yeah, no baby belongs in a bar. i think that the disparaging of nicon on twitter is inexcusable. whoever did that should be banned from a computer and slapped with a libel lawsuit. serious.

[OMG We're Pregnant]

I'm a 'mummytobe' blogger from the UK and have been reading lots of posts about how wonderful Blogher is... so this has been a refreshing post! It'll be interesting to read more blog reviews on the Blogher experience. And as for babies at cocktail parties... I wouldn't.

[Nathalie]

It's pretty shocking that anyone thinks that it is okay to take a baby to a cocktail party. Thank god there wasn't a hash tag generated that said #mommybloggershate babies. So clueless!!

[Karen @ If I Could Escape]

Wow, I was feeling very left out about not being able to go -- kinda glad that I didn't get to go now.

[expateek]

Hi -- just posted about a related issue, after being inspired by your blog post (linked to, hope that's ok). I have very mixed feelings about the BlogHer experience. I've never identified as a mommy blogger, but then my kids are mostly grown. Certainly don't see them as my sole reason for being! More to the point, the unbridled swag-lust was completely offputting.

[corrin]

I totally agree - though I didn't see the swag fights that everyone is buzzing about (I was only at Blogher on Saturday and left with a single tote of swag - which I thought was super cool). I was also shocked at the babies I saw at Bowlher. Flashing lights, loud music, and numerous bars isn't very child friendly in my opinion.

[Boston Mamas]

K, as we discussed, I have never been embarrassed to be part of the "mommy blogger" niche (though I'd prefer to be referred to as a parent blogger or a person who blogs about parenting, among other things...) until this weekend. The greed and entitlement is not only confusing to me in the spectrum of mommy blogging, but in JUST BEING A DECENT HUMAN BEING.

There's something about the materialism and the quest for "A-list" blogger status, trips, etc., that all seems rather interrelated and reflective of a larger scale discontent. I'm pulling some thoughts together on this...

Meanwhile, I'm sad about the way the Nikon issue unfolded. I think this is yet another lesson that words cannot be taken lightly.

-Christine

[Jennifer A]

I saw the Nikon stuff unfolding on Twitter and all I could think is now what?
I personally would not have taken a baby (or a child) to any of the parties, except the BlogHer Cocktail parties. I understand sitters are expensive, but loud enviroments cannot be good for a baby and the kids (young kids) I saw at parties did not look happy either. I know moms want to get out and have fun. I live in the Chicago suburbs so both my kids stayed home and the only way I would bring them is if they blogged when they are older.

[Kara]

"And I don't understand why anyone would need to clarify that babies were not allowed at a Friday night cocktail party. It wasn't a luncheon. It was at a bar/restaurant at night. Big difference."

I don't know, cultural/regional differences maybe? I live in the land of drive-thru daiquiri bars, where it's not uncommon to have alcohol available at PTA meetings, at least at the private schools. It honestly would never occur to me that a baby wasn't legally allowed to be in cocktail bar.

To me a cocktail party seems more appropriate for an infant than a luncheon. Cocktail parties are usually louder and a baby crying briefly wouldn't be as noticeable. Also excusing yourself to go sit somewhere and nurse would be less obvious than in a well light, everyone sitting around tables, luncheon type event.

I hate to see this devolve into another us vs them, mommy vs mommy type brouhaha.

[Heather, Queen of Shake Shake]

Also, can we coin the term "Swag Hags"? Like Fag Hags, only greedier.

[Heather, Queen of Shake Shake]

This is the second place I've heard of the gross materialism seen at BlogHer with all the swag. I myself saw twitters of "Where's such-and-such swag?!" because people hadn't gotten it yet.

Really?

Perhaps, instead of an integrity badge, there needs to be a "I'm not a mommy whore!" badge?

[Jenn]

Injuring a child for swag is not okay.
Injuring an adult for swag is not okay.
Injurying an established community with greed and selfishness is not okay.

I am saddened to tears over what I saw take place by some women this year.

[Aunt Becky]

This weekend was an eye opener for me. With the exception of this particular post, which may have redeemed the whole thing for me, I'm not sure how happy I am that I saw what I did.

Probably was a good thing, though, in the long run.

I'm sorry that I didn't get a chance to meet you this weekend.

[Jennifer]

I agree with most of the posts above. I honestly don't think this was a place for babies. Perhaps BlogHer or other events and parties tied in with BlogHer should provide babysitting services...maybe that would solve problems like this in the future. Quite frankly, I can't even imagine bringing a baby to BlogHer. As someone else mentioned, it is not just for "mommybloggers". If there is trampling and hitting with elbows for swag, then I definitely would not not want my child there.

[Adventures In Babywearing]

This BlogHer has been an eye opener, but with the drama unfolding these weeks leading up to it, I probably shouldn't be surprised. I think the Nikon misunderstanding is unfortunate for both sides as I'm sure Nikon had the best of intentions, as did Esther bringing her baby.

Steph

[Motherhood Uncensored]

And I don't understand why anyone would need to clarify that babies were not allowed at a Friday night cocktail party. It wasn't a luncheon. It was at a bar/restaurant at night. Big difference.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

What was started as a joke turned into nasty defammatory posts and a pr person having to do a crisis call with her company. So perhaps thinking about how a joke can be perceived as something otherwise should be considered.

[Jill]

I talked to Liz Gumbinner today and told her that I didn't really understand the need for the whole "Blog with Integrity" campaign when I first read about it, but after watching the gross display of gluttony and greed, I told her I completely get it now. I didn't know what to expect from BlogHer, but the level of swag whoreness I saw firsthand certainly wasn't it.

Before I read your post, I was thinking that if the media and PR people get their perspective on Mommy Bloggers from the people who elbowed A's baby or created a near mosh pit at another party were their main source, it's no wonder Mom bloggers get disparaged.

[Jane]

What a refreshing perspective here. Reason, logic, calm analysis, and the mama in the middle to boot, showing us all what it means to be gracious and reasonable.

These other bloggers and Twitterers that are tearing into Nikon without thinking, or even trying to learn the facts and context of what really happened are making me ashamed to be a mommy, not to mention a mommyblogger.

[Jenny, Bloggess]

I adore Esther and she was so good-natured about the whole thing. The #nikonhatesbabies thing was totally tongue-in-cheek as I can attest to because I was there when she wrote it. Then I went to the Nikon party and told them that I thought the party was lovely except it made me a bit sad that several of my friends were turned away and the Nikon people were *so* incredibly nice about me asking them why. They said they felt really bad that they never communicated to guests that their babies weren't allowed and in fact, I got the impression that they were fine with the babies but the restaurant itself had the policy because of insurance purposes. In fact, one baby-wearer I know said she specifically asked Nikon if she could bring her baby to the restaurant and they said yes but at the last minute she decided to cancel. And even though she had every right to get mad about the whole thing she just shrugged it off and said it was no big deal. I think it was a lot less drama and a lot more of a simple learning moment.

[Nicole]

I've always figured I was not opinionated or critical enough to really be a good blogger or twitter:) My thought was Nikon may have made a mistake (I only read one post and tweet, but nikonhatesbabies was a little over the top. On the other hand, I really don't think it's going to hurt Nikon's sales. Companies have screw ups all the tme, with PR, with employees, with business deals, but the big successful ones will come out just fine. And if babywearing was okay, but not strollers...don't even know what to say.

[Meagan Francis]

Esther, I can definitely see how a hashtag used as a joke could just take on a life of its own. And honestly, I might have made the same mistake as you. It's too bad it got so blown out of proportion.

[Esther]

I was the mom with the large stroller in front of you. Yes, I wrongly assumed as a nursing mom it'd be okay if I brought my son - so there you have it, I was wrong.

I thought it was a lame move but then went on to have a lot of laughs about the irony of choosing a venue that ended up not allowing babies (based on the fact that BlogHer is so baby friendly).

I was having a laugh about it and someone said "Nikon Hates Babies" & to be funny and over-the-top I used it as a hashtag when I posted about being turned away. It was meant to be read by my friends as being ridiculous & funny.

The folks at Nikon talked to me today and apologized - they see this as a teachable moment (& truthfully so do I). I have a good time on Twitter & am very open - for goodness sake, I tweeted while in labor... but I have never used it to harm or disparage any person or company, and have never been part of any blogger controversy.

I'm truly sorry I ever tweeted about it at all because they didn't mean to offend, and neither did I.

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

(sigh)

I've got a post that's been queued for over a week that dovetails nicely with this, though I wish it didn't. I was hoping there wouldn't be an example from BlogHer that I'd be able to cite. Sadly, it sounds like there are several examples I'll need to include.

Thanks for such a levelheaded post. Expect a pingback shortly.

[Scattered Mom]

To be honest, I don't really consider myself a "mommy blogger". I've been torn about attending BlogHer when it's on the west coast- specifically because of all the commercialism, the drama, the whole 'branding' thing, swag, all that.

Me? I like to write. Period.

[Sheri]

#imsooverbabies cause i've had my three. fabulous post!!

[Keyona]

Wow. That really happened? I did see tweets about that. Sad indeed.

[laura]

loves you girl!
thanks for helping to clear the shitstorm for those of us not there.
honestly as a mom i believe that there is a time and a place for our children no matter how adorable they are and reading your description of this off site event i would agree this was not the place for the wee ones. something about a baby in a bar never seems to work for me.