Motherhood Uncensored

She's coming

I washed my hands of my manuscript back in February, all 70,000 words of it, struggling to think of anything new and original to say about sex.

Just do it.

Except even that's not original.

I wrote the book while hugely pregnant, then miserably post partum, so I feared that all my funny puns were actually bitter and angst ridden.

You know why you don't want to have sex? Because you pushed a baby out of your vagina THAT'S WHY!

Oh wait. That's me. Whoops.

But my editor got her young, no-kids-yet hands on it, and the first bound unedited copies will be in my hands shortly. Not without notes from her, my favorite being:

"Crotch" Au: You use crotch a lot in this chapter so I switched it up a little.

Ha!

The biggest challenge was that my editor was not a mom, so I spent a bit of time explaining some of the "inside" mom jokes, you know, like not wanting to be anywhere near food during the first trimester or knowing the Disney princesses.

Seriously, WHO does not know about those princesses? (And where are they because OMG I want to live there).

But needless to say, she thought it was funny. And reading back through it now that I'm not knocked up and laid up, I think it's pretty funny too.

And in about 6 months, you'll get to decide for yourself.

(If you don't click then you won't see my pretty book site that my Whipping Boy worked so hard on so please click)

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2035

"But can't you make it back for a few minutes before you head off again?" I begged. "It feels like ages since I've seen you. Is your hair still covering your eyes like a bad set of curtains?" I added, chuckling at the thought of him resembling an old English sheep dog.

I thought his hair looked nice when it was short, swept away from his face and parted to the right. I'd brush it over and he'd insist on shaking his head and messing it up on purpose, knowing how much it bothered me. I'd try again and he'd bat my hand away, a half-smile peeking out from his mouth.

"I just can't," he said. "Maybe next time, when there's less going on."

I could tell he wanted to get off the phone, but I didn't care. I tried to sound hopeful, not desperate.

"I remember when I wished for a break, for just a moment to breathe. Now I can't even imagine why I ever thought that. It was hard back then."

He cut me off. "It's okay. It's just how it goes."

So much for hopeful.

I didn't want to guilt him into coming. Part of me knew that if I pushed him too hard it wouldn't even be worth it. He'd just fly into the house and plop down on the couch, tapping his foot while he scanned his text messages and emails pretending to listen to me as I blathered on.

"Did you see the Jones' house is up for sale?" I'd ask him, hoping to make him look up from the bright shiny screen long enough so I could see his eyes.

"Yup," he'd say, sighing heavily as if I was paining him by breathing.

I'd scurry around, offering homemade muffins and lemonade, and he'd refuse, alternating stares between his watch and the door.

"I have to go now. I'm sorry. I'll be back in a couple of weeks. We'll catch up then. Don't worry."

He'd press on my hand as he stood up from the couch and I'd grab it with my other. I'd pull him for a hug and steal a look at his face, oddly unchanged after all these years. His deep brown eyes covered with soft blonde hair. His cheeks still round and rosy, now rough with a two-day-old stubble.

"I love you," I told him. "Come over when you can." I barely got that out before he ended the call, the beep saving him from my pathetic sobs.

A few minutes later my phone buzzed, nearly bouncing off the kitchen counter.

"i love u 2 mom" it said.

Not all bloggers are like that

Aside from reuniting with old friends, meeting new ones, and missing some that couldn't make it, this conference has been about explaining my new motto:

"Not all bloggers are like that."

We're not all about the free shit and the shameless self promotion and the bullshit drama that can only be explained as link bait.

I've spent most of this conference embarrassed that mommy bloggers interrupt your conversations to throw press cards at you for their sponsors, not even asking if the people actually have babies or kids. Annoyed by mommy bloggers elbowing babies (not mine) in the head to get to a SWAG bag.

And pissed off that mommy bloggers take a situation and turn it into a nasty hashtag and hate movement.

In fact, after this BlogHer, I really don't want to be called a mommy blogger ever again.

I stood in line for the limo behind a mom who was attending the Nikon event and was wondering whether it would be okay for her to bring her young baby - pushing her large stroller and car seat as we waited for our ride.

I wasn't sure if she'd be able to bring her baby but I figured that since it was a private invite-only double checkpoint cocktail party, she probably checked, or might expect that it might be possible that they might tell her that she couldn't bring him in.

I didn't think too much about it today until I heard there was a #nikonhatesbabies Twitter hashtag going around.

Now I'm certainly not one to shy away from expressing my opinions about brands doing it badly. I gave Fishful Thinking a piece of my mind on twitter, I made a Motrin Moms spoof, and I shared my strong feelings about Johnson's Camp Baby.

And based on my own personal and professional experiences with each of these situations, I felt that they warranted attention.

But this whole "I have a voice so I'm going to use it no matter who it fucks" is not something I want to be associated with.

The party was in a small bar with an indoor and outdoor section that had no room for a large stroller. It was dark and loud and not conducive to having a baby.

And if I hadn't tracked down and paid a pretty penny for a sitter, I wouldn't have gone.

Aside from talking to the PR firm beforehand about bringing a baby (which a few moms actually did), I think babywearing or finding a babysitter (which I had to do at the very last minute because my mom didn't end up coming) was in order.

It was not a mom blogger event. This is BlogHer. Not BlogMom. There were a bunch of amazing bloggers from all sorts of backgrounds attending the event.

And honestly, if they had said "no" to a baby in a sling, I wouldn't have been surprised either.

When do you bring a baby to a loud cocktail party without asking first? This was an off-site event not sponsored by BlogHer and it's up the sponsor to determine what was appropriate.

So before you jump on a bandwagon and spread the negative word about a sponsor who actually threw an amazing event, check your facts.

Anything does not always go.

Badge of honor

During all these FTC rumblings, PR Blackouts, and ridiculous bullshit that really makes the blogosphere look more like a soap opera that a community, I've kept my mouth shut.

Well, mostly.

But I can only be inundated with articles on mommy blogger money making schemes for so long before I have to say something.

I started this blog back in November 2005 as a way to tell stories about my own experiences with motherhood. It's actually evolved into more of a "mom blog" over the years, much to my own surprise, but never did I ever plan on it being a money maker.

And guess what. It's really not.

For the few early months with BlogHerAds, I could pay my car payment. But aside from that, the ads that you see on this site pay for a week's worth of groceries. I rarely write up any products, and if I do, I filter them over into my review blog. And while I can't complain about some of the freebies I've received, I never really write about them here.

This blog is like my Ketel One martini that shall not be tainted by the cheap crap no matter how much you try to bribe me with it or send me cases for free.

No, no, HELL NO.

What this blog has done is provide a springboard for other projects, like Cool Mom Picks, and Parent Bloggers Network, and the Mominatrix, so I'm afforded the luxury of separating professional from personal, for the most part.

But with all the FTC and the blackouts and brownouts and everything else that sounds oddly close to people having shit issues, I've felt the need to disclose that the things I talk about (unless otherwise specified) are not paid for. That when I link to a product, I really do like it. And if I don't like it, then I make fun of it and drink out of it.

And honestly, I think that sucks.

It sucks that you can't go to a blog and know automatically whether the person is legitimately loving something or whether they got paid to love it.

That doesn't mean I'm hating on all the people that write sponsored posts or PR regurgitations or whatever other things people do to make money from their blog.

But when the lines get blurry, it bothers me. When I see people swipe stuff from another blogger and change one word without giving so much as a credit or a link, it pisses me off. Whether it's a line from their "submit" page or a part of an entire post or a blog name that someone already came up with in a  post and you decide "Hey, I think that would make a great blog," it still matters.

No, there are no laws that state that you can't do that. But it takes away the community. And it's disrespectful.

We shouldn't need buttons or badges to tell people we've got integrity. And many bloggers, particularly those who absolutely don't do any posts about products or reviews or giveaways or all of that stuff and who treat people, bloggers, and their writing with respect, probably don't.

But since I've got my foot in a few places, I want people to be perfectly clear that when they come here, they know what they're getting.

Whether you happened to find my blog on a random google search for "Tuna Helper" or whether you've been reading this blog since I first started writing.

Which is to say I talk about unabashedly about vaginas, cock rings,and ass issues, almost as much as I talk about my three beautiful children.

And while I blog with a sailor's mouth, I also blog with integrity.

Abso-fucking-lutely.

A match made in heaven. Or at least on the internets.

I've done the desperate diaper scavenge on more than one occasion. And I've wiped butts with the last half square on the toilet paper roll that most people would otherwise toss because I had completely run out.

You'd think as a mom of three who's often alone and doesn't have the luxury to just run to the store, I'd plan a little bit better.

But life, diapers, and toilet paper get away from me and all of a sudden I'm taping paper towels together.

So, it was one of those such days a few months back when I got an email asking to speak to me about my blog. I actually almost deleted the damn thing because I receive a fair amount of those emails and they generally end up being someone asking me to post a really hilarious YouTube video or share content about how my readers can save money on tire purchases.

Compelling stuff, really.

But I clicked over to the site in her signature and in big bold letters it said:

We'll make sure you never run out of toilet paper again!

And as you could guess, I had this sort of biblical writing on the wall type moment and I emailed her back.

A few conversations, a couple of emails, and a beta test later, I agreed to work with Alice.com and represent them at BlogHer 2009.

They agreed to not make me tattoo "Alice" on my ass and sing the song at BlogHer Karaoke.

Of course now you are probably singing the song in your head. At least it's better than Dora.

They even agreed not to make me take gratuitous photos of my cute baby with their cool logo-ed boxes and post them on my blog. I just did that on my very own.

They did agree to let me do fun red carpet-ish type interviews of bloggers during the conference.

And thus "Alice Uncensored" was born.

Cool, right?

I've already written about my love for Alice.com, a service that let's you order all your household products, like tampons, dental floss, even head and balls shampoo from the comfort of your home, all shipped free to your doorstep. 

You know a woman packed that, right?

And if you're curious, the prices are mostly better than anywhere else I would ever shop with three lovely squirmy squabbling children, and they've even got automatic coupons, which tells me that they're not trying to completely bank on the convenience factor which if you've ever gone grocery shopping with three children that you know that you'd pay a little extra for some freaking toilet paper because then you're not coming home with the "Shut them up" pack of gum and twizzlers and you're keeping just a little bit more of your sanity that you would have left at the deli counter.

And well best of all, I've yet to run out of toilet paper again.

So if you're going to BlogHer 2009, don't be surprised if I track your ass down to ask you some fun questions having to do with household products.

It's me you're talking about people - so just guess what kinds of questions I'll be asking.

I can guarantee it will not be "So, what's your favorite handsoap?"

And make sure to check out Alice.com. I wouldn't send you over there if I didn't love it. And what I really love about them is that they wouldn't want me to send you over there if I didn't love it either.

Read more about Alice.com and sign up for free. It's definitely worth trying. And really, no one with my butt should be wiping with paper towels. Also, they'll be doing some fun giveaways on Twitter so follow them.