Disappointment

I wish I could blame my headache on a massive hangover. But I only drank a 1/4 of a beer last night before turning in, my head searing from disappointment for my daughter.

Disappointment that she really has yet to know but that I'm all too used to.

The only family member who called to wish her a happy birthday was my father-in-law at 7:50pm. He's lucky he caught her awake.

There was a pithy e-card from my mother-in-law.

And an email from my mom at Midnight. (MIDNIGHT?!) She also sent a book and a card in the mail.

Granted, they were all at my daughter's birthday gathering at the beach, so I can't get too upset. And my mom's a nurse who works 12 hour shifts, so I guess she figured she'd either wake us up or catch us at bedtime.

Who knows.

But neither of us have heard from either of our siblings, who apparently are extremely busy DINKs.

Right.

I have to acknowledge the huz's sister, who is usually pretty vigilant about birthdays. I'm guessing her newlywed status has taken over her life right now, and I don't completely fault her.

But my family? I give up, really. Does a birthday comment on my blog count? Apparently so.

I try to tell myself that I'm being unreasonable. I'm not sure why it gets me every time since I rarely talk to my family, even my own mother. It shouldn't be a surprise that they don't call to acknowledge my daughter's birthday.

It's the child in me who was always disappointed with my family. I've never really gotten over it.

And quite frankly, I can take it when it comes to me. I've been shit on enough times and I'm usually able to wipe it off and go on my merry way.

But I'm a little more protective of my children.

So, aside from my aching head, most of me is starting to understand that I'll always be disappointed. There's just no reason to hold onto it. In fact, I'm annoyed that I let it bother me into a headache.

But I can't help but twiddle my thumbs in anticipation for when she's older and when she realizes they haven't called.

Or better, when my brother and the huz's sister have kids.

Oh how the tides will turn.

Comments

[julie]

Maybe when your brother and sister-in-law have families of their own, they'll realize their earlier mistakes.

I understand the joy of revenge, but in this case, I'd say treat others as you'd like to be treated. Teach your daughter(s) (and son) by example and take the high road.

Let them grow up to be more like you, and less like their relatives.

[Nathalie]

My husband's dad was a crappy father and continues to be a crappy grandfather. We pretty much have nothing to do with them. The way we finally resolved our constant disappointment? Lowered our expectations! So much better now. They're the same. We don't have anything to do with them. But we don't expect anything more than what we're getting.

[jennP]

i understand how you feel... its up and down every year who will call or who won't.
but i decided a few years back when my daughter was 5 that if people called it was a BONUS, and if they didn't, it was not important because I treated her like gold on her bday! She actually couldnt care less about the phone calls or gifts. If one family member calls, i just say "oh wow, that was thoughful of them to call you today" but nothing more. I don't make a big deal of it, this way she never gets disappointed. She doesnt expect anything. Even if i am grumbling inside, i dont let it show. After i decided to take every bday wish as a *bonus*, the change in focus has made me feel better. :)

[Carmen]

I have the exact same problem with my parents. Every year I hope, wish, pray that it won't be that way. That they will make an effort to show their love for me and my children... but it never happens. My husband doesn't understand why I let it get to me after so many years. They're family, they're suppose to love you, they're suppose to care about the things that matter to you.

When I became a mom I apologized to my sister if I ever did anything like that to her and her family. She claims I was pretty good about stuff, but I still feel that I could have been a better aunt during those years. I make up for it now and am there for every birthday and important event in their lives.

I'm really sorry you and every else with similar stories have to go through this. :(

[mom, again]

I was the first to have kids, so for many years, my brothers signed off on the card mom bought. When they were single & living large, they didn't take on card duties for themselves. OTOH, I'd gotten out of the habit of sending them one either, or calling. Their bachelor schedule and my mom schedule plus the different time zones meant there was no good time to call, lord knows I didn't want to pay for a LD call to speak to their answerphone! Or their hungover self!

For many years, mom nagged each and every one of us about the birthdays of each and every one of us, plus the relevent children. But we all mostly ignored her. Nobody seemed hurt but her--we were all fine without cards. So impossible to find one that really suits, so pointless unless it does. That being said, if I spot a particularly appropriate card, I'll buy it and send it. Regardless of the birthday being anytime recently or soon. If I try to hold on to it, I'll just forget. I used to have a stash of such, now I send it and tell them to consider it early or late, whichever they prefer.

Everyone is on parental hours now, though still in different time zones. We call or are in touch on line with each other regularly, but rarely just because of a birthday or anniv. There's more time to talk on the weekend, so why call on Tuesday when we are all busy with practices, late shifts, homework and bedtimes.

The kids will accept whatever the situation is, don't teach them to expect what won't come. If they don't expect it, they can't be disappointed by it. My girls don't resent years of no cards from their uncles. Cards from uncles is a silly idea.

[Apryl]

I'm sorry to hear about the disappointment. I grew up with one side of the family over-doing birthdays and the other forgetting altogether. My mom made those days special for me so the fact that you care so much about her feelings will show your daughter she's a big deal every day. That will more than make up for the phone not ringing.

[Theresa]

Yep- My 5 year old got a call RIGHT before bedtime this year from the in-laws. I was furious. And yes, got a HUGE headache too!

[Kelly]

My two oldest children have never been acknowledged for birthday's Christmas, Baptism's, or confirmation from my former in-laws. (After the divorce I could maybe understand but for 8 years prior?) ZERO. Not even a card. They would come to the parties, not bring a thing, and my former MIL was known to say,"This is why we don't buy them anything. They get more than they need from other people." One time I told her a fucking 99 cent coloring book would be a thrill for a 3 year old to unwrap, if she was worried about the cost. My former BIL's only gift ever to my son was a squirrel tail. From a squirrel he shot and then ate. NICE!

[Christina]

One of the most important lessons I learned as a kid was that genetics and blood ties do not necessarily make up your family.

Your family are those who are there for you when you need them, there to celebrate the good and help you through the bad.

I'm guessing Q is still surrounded with a lot of love. So if some of your family don't have time for her, it's OK - their loss.

[Woman with Kids]

My mother has been meaning to send my birthday cards, and birthday cards to her two (only) grandsons, for the past three years. She calls a few days after the birthday, insists she's sending out a card and present. Apparently the mail service where she lives is really, really bad. You can't, unfortunately, protect them from some things.

[Mary]

A lot of it is family culture, I think. My family is very close, we see each other often. My mother always remembers every birthday, but my brothers rarely do. I call every brother on their birthday, but I'm the only one who does that. We do have a monthly party where we celebrate the folks with a birthday that month, and give the adults cards and the kids presents. I would never think to call my nieces and nephews on their birthday, because I know I'll be giving them their gift and seeing them in person in a few days.

My husband's family doesn't do anything. They live across the country, and we like each other, but there is almost no contact. It's been months since I heard from any of them. I would be amazed if they even knew when our birthdays are. It used to bug me (not even a Christmas card most years), but I guess I'm used to it now. I never told the kids it bugged me so they never really paid attention or got their feelings hurt. How you handle it will be how Quinlan will feel about it.

[Angela in Ohio]

Don't feel bad. My 25 year old daughter forgot my bday today. I talked to her online a couple times and nothing. The other kid is the good one today.

[jess]

Like some of the commenters above, I'd never thought about this stuff before. I have ten aunts and uncles total, and I never gave it a thought at all when I didn't hear from them on my birthday (and I share a birthday with one of my aunts). My grandparents never called either, and I consider myself extremely close to my paternal grandparents (although I have no relationship whatsoever with my maternal grandmother for many, many reasons, and my maternal grandfather died when my mom was young). I guess I never thought about it because it never happened, and my parents didn't call my cousins on their birthdays either. I now have two nieces and a nephew, and my husband and I don't call on their birthdays. (He also never received calls from extended family on his b-day.)

It's very interesting to see the family dynamics, though, because I consider myself close to most of my family even though I don't hear from them on my birthday. I suppose a lot of it is what you grow up with and what you're used to. (We didn't get presents, etc. or cards from extended family either for birthdays unless we had a specific party for one of us or the cousins or something, which never happened for me since my b-day is between Christmas and New Year's -- no time for a party there!)

Did you and your husband (and thereby extending to both of your siblings) both get calls on your birthdays from extended family? I suppose what you've grown up with might play a part in what you yourself do or expect. Interesting post...it definitely made me think about family traditions!

jess

[Carmen]

Oh, poor Quinlan. But I'm sure that you made up for it and she probably didn't notice.

I can relate to this post for sure. My first-born's first birthday - a big deal, no? - went unnoticed by my husband's siblings. His uncle commented months later that he would have bought KJ a gift, but he thought that he probably had enough toys. And my in-laws told me they came into town only because they also had a wedding reception to attend. I was hurt and disappointed and everything that you said. I've tried not to care, but good grief, that's hard. My husband's other brother has never sent a gift, never called and has only met his 3.5-year-old nephew twice. He's never met his 9-month-old niece. It's inconceivable to me.

[Naomi]

My husband's family doesn't call on birthdays and holidays, either. And it just ticks him off when I try to coerce him into sending them cards or calling. I think 5 is still a bit young to notice, especially if you had a lot going on for her birthday, but you know she's going to wonder what the deal is pretty soon. Ugh.

[The Casual Perfectionist]

I went through the same thing back in November with my little girl! She turned 3, so she wasn't old enough to wonder why some people called and others didn't. In the future, I know to play the Spin Doctor and brush over the hurtfulness of it.

I've spent the last 9 years calling my sister's boys on their birthdays, but apparently the phone lines only work one way? It's so odd. Roads don't come this way, and our airport doesn't accept planes from that direction either.

It's just so bizarre.

Heh.

Hang in there!!

[katie]

1. All families are a disappointment.

2. She won't expect a call if they never give a call. My aunts and uncles or grandparents never ever called me and I never gave it a second thought. My parents just made sure to make my birthday special.

[Emily B]

Ha! I just went through the same thing on the 3rd. My daughter turned 1 and only my mother called. I feel the same way that you do, and I agree about the tables being turned when they have their own children. I too have never really cared about myself, but have a hard time excusing the behavior when it's my children who are the victims. I have finally started to say something, and confronted my sister who has yet to meet my daughter. She has no excuse, and I may never forgive her for her selfishness.

[mothergoosemouse]

A few weeks ago, Tacy sent my mother a letter to remind her that she turned seven in April.

I could say so much on this topic.

[Susan Getgood]

I'm so sorry that you and Quinlan were disappointed with the lack of birthday wishes from the families.

From your tweets and twitpics though, sounds like she had a pretty wonderful (extended) birthday week. She looked so happy at the fancy tea. You are more than making up for the extended family that missed the boat.

[sigh.]

I was told once that I have high expectations for people. Too high. And when they don't meet what I think they should meet, then I take it personally. I wasn't being given a compliment.

What I know is this. I don't expect anything from anyone that I wouldn't do for them. So when all I got was a text message on my son's first birthday? Yeah, I took it personally and was disappointed for my son.

It doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter if you should expect that kind of behavior. It matters that they let you and Q down. I'm really sorry to hear it.

[Casey]

I don't have a relationship at all with my parents. After years and years of them hurting me, I have come to terms with it. This past Valentine's Day, I received my children's handmade valentine "return to sender", unopened back in the mail. These things used to really affect me. Counseling taught me to do the right thing. Send a card for their birthdays and major holidays. Try to behave in a manner you will look back on and be proud of. Know that you tried. But, returning mail from children? That's just batshit crazy.

I don't even send cards now. My mother has problems and has cut countless family members out of her life over the years. It's my turn. I've accepted it. But, it's my duty to protect my children. And, I will stop at nothing to do that!

Sorry to hear about your disappointment. Hang in there.

[Amanda]

I have a feeling my daughter will be much luckier in the birthday dept than I ever was. My father doesn't call, usually doesn't send a card. I might recieve an envelope in the mail several months before, or after I guess, my birthday with some cash letting me know that it's for my birthday and then his obligation to me is done. Maybe he does it when it pops into his head, Hey, Amanda's birthday is 15 weeks from now, maybe I should send her $100 bucks. Whatever, so lame.

Anyway, I'm lucky that all 5 of my brothers and sisters are nutso about my kid, I'm really sorry that your family is so oblivious. Happy Birthday to Q! Five is a great age!

[Chelle]

My family has never failed to disappoint me and then make sure to turn it back on me somehow because I am so very selfish. I always loved getting called to babysit for my sister who said she'd be home by 11 or 12 at the latest. My sister who has to make sure the bar is closed and there's no after party.. yet I'm selfish because I wanted to be home in my own bed. Distance makes things so much easier. We live many states apart and only talk when neccessary.

[Amanda]

I've learned not to count on family for the kids' bdays unless we're having a party. We make a big deal out of it here at home, and if stuff comes from the rest of the family, then fine. My 8yo did ask this year why my in laws were the only ones who sent anything (on time), and I answered honestly. I said "I don't know." The rest can answer his interrogation when we see them next as to why they left him feeling forgotten on his bday this year.

[Jenny]

I have a hard time with this one. I come from a family where my aunts/uncles/grandparents NEVER called on birthdays. I actually never ever talked to them on the phone. We were close, and got together on holidays, but I could expect a card from my Grandma every year, but not a call.

Now with my husbands family, it seems to be against the law to NOT call a child on their birthday. We had to call my one year old niece to wish her happy birthday, and the whole time I was like "WTF? She's ONE!", in my head, of course.

I think it's really a hard line, because everyone has expectations that they have for their children, and when other people don't follow through with those, we quickly get disappointed.

Since my parents never got mad that no one called on my birthday, I never knew that I should've expected it. Maybe that's still me to today... I'm okay on my own with my family, and I appreciate your thoughts, but you don't have to call me - anytime really. If you love me, I'll know that.

I hope your kids understand though. It is so heartbreaking if THEY are disappointed in anything. There have been times where my heart would just cry.

For what it's worth (and a day late), Happy Birthday Q! =)

[Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com]

My parents used to call the relatives on our birthdays and ask them to call back in five minutes. For years, I thought I must be the most-loved kid in the world because all of my relatives always remembered my birthday and called to wish me the best.

When I got older, I found out how it really worked. Then I felt like the most-loved kid in the world because my parents refused to stand by and let me experience the disappointment they'd had as children.

Maybe something like that will work for you. I'm sure it's awkward to ask, but learning that your relatives don't care or won't call is a tough one to be bitch-slapped with at Quinlan's age.

[mary]

I feel your disappointment. On my side there is only my mom and she is very attentive but my husband's family (mom, dad and six siblings) totally drop the ball on my daughter's birthday (only one of the 8 people called and she just left a message). I would understand if they were the type to not acknowledge birthday's but phone calls and parties are the norm for the other grandkids who live near them. But my daughter who is a couple of hours away is usually forgotten. This year she was six and finally realized the oversight. It broke my heart three days after her birthday when my husband insisted she call her twin cousins to wish them a happy birthday and she says "maybe they will wish me one too since they forgot to call on my birthday".

[Keyona]

I can relate to you. My mother has the nerve to get upset when I don't jump through hoops for my brothers but no one ever calls for visits me or my daughter so why the fuck should I break my back. Not going to happen. But just like you, I'll ALWAYS be disappointed.

[Lisa]

I feel your pain too. My family always sends a card or calls, for any of our bithdays. Husbands side, only his Mom & I could leave that if I had too. As for our daughter & his side of the family -they only acknowledged her birth. It's been down hill since then. My husband is really upset about it, but is learning to deal. Even the lady that used to watch him when he was little has done more for our daughter than any of his blood relatives, she is more of a family member to us than his actual family. It's hard, but as long as you love your kids and let them know it everyday, they will handle the other disappointments much better.

[Jenn]

I feel your pain! My family is great and part of my husband's family are great, but the other siblings suck! My kids never get acknowledged at Christmas or their birthdays. I'm pretty sure one brother doesn't even know when their birthdays are! He lives one province away and has seen our kids twice. This year he is going to be with my MIL for Christmas. We offered to let them all stay at our place so the family could be together at Christmas. My MIL declined and said that the brother likes to relax when he is here so he won't be seeing them at all. Total CRAP!! These are the only niece/nephew/grandkids in this family. Suck it up and get over yourself. Anyway, I totally digress, my point was that I feel your hurt and disappointment for Quinlan. A little acknowledgment goes a long way!

[jenni]

my father is also a constant disappointment. he didn't call on my son's birthday and sent him $20 in a card in the mail. what does a 2 y.o. need with $20? put a little time and thought into a gift for him, okay? for father's day, we sent him a web cam so he could see the boys more and he never called to thank me. when i called him on father's day, he told me he was sitting on the porch reading the paper and drinking coffee and that "when he had time" he'd call so my husband could talk him through setting up the web cam (because they are so hard to set up)three weeks later and he hasn't had time yet.

i try to tell myself it is better this way; my kids are little and don't really know him and probably never will - they will never have a chance to feel the disappointment i've felt for my entire life. but i feel disappointed. i wish we were important enough to him, but we just aren't. it sucks.

wow, how's that for a comment? your post really stirred up some stuff for me, sorry.

[Lindsey Hemphill]

ugh....I feel your disappointment! My dad didn't even come to my daughters 2nd birthday party, and no, he didn't call. He did, however find time to attend my nephews ball game later in the day. I was heartbroken! He thought it wasn't a big deal because she is 2. Well, he also happens to be one of her favorite people (and she doesn't exactly like people) so rather or not it made her sad, it certainly made me sad for her. I hope Q has a great birthday week and you too! Congrats on making it the first 5 years (cause Lord knows it ain't easy!)

[Jessica]

I know the feeling also. My son is 7 and his father lives 650 miles away in Kentucky. This past birthday, he didn't even pick up the phone to call and wish his son a Happy Birthday. I was heartbroken for him. How in the world can you forget your own sons birthday??? Needless to say, I tore him a new one when he did call...2 weeks later.

[Angela]

By the way... I'm so sorry that we didn't get to wish Q a Happy Birthday yesterday! Gastroenteritis had me unable to crawl anywhere but the bathroom. Madeleine has a little something for her. Lets get together soon!

[Angela]

Growing up I never heard much from my aunts and uncles on my birthday. Hell, there were three years in college that I didn't even get a Happy Birthday from my parents.

Now we've got a few grandparents who don't celebrate a birthday for ONE of our daughters. And I have no idea how to handle it. She's young so it hasn't been too much of a problem. But next year? Next year she will know that things are lopsided. Way lopsided.

I am really sorry that Quinlan has to learn such a tough lesson so young. But the bottom line? She knows how much you love her.

I probably wouldn't want to hear this right now... but in the future you can be the shining example of what a great Auntie or Uncle should be. You will be the cool one who always remembers their birthdays. Because you know how important it is. Maybe then your siblings will realize what they should have been.

[Karen L]

My family doesn't do birthday phone calls. We never have. My husband's family is the same way. With the people I call regularly, we wish each other happy birthday at the nearest call, whether it lands on the birthday or not.

Even when I was a kid, I never got calls from relatives on my birthday. I didn't expect call. I didn't know I was "supposed" to expect calls. I was tickled by the cards. We didn't even do presents or parties. The birthday person got to choose the dinner menu. maybe a cake after dinner. That was it. That was fine, fine by me anyway.

Before I joined Facebook and it was reminding people automatically about my birthday, I'd forgotten my OWN birthday more than once.

I'd actually find it "weird", though cute, if my brother or brother-in-law called my kids on their birthdays. Note to self: if either one of them ever marries, find out if their wives expect phone calls on their birthdays and their kids' birthdays.

I guess if phoning really is a family tradition, then yeah, it's disappointing but it seems to me that coming to a party or sending a thoughtful, personalised card and/or a present are all equally nice ways of making a kid feel special.

[Catherine]

Understanding doesn't make it any easier though, does it?

My mom and I have a strained relationship, but some part of me had hoped that now that I'm pregnant with my first that she would suddenly show interest in my life rather than focusing solely on her boyfriend. So far? Definitely not. I think I've talked to her 3 times in the two months since I told her I was pregnant, for a grand total of 20 minutes tops.

I was used to her dismissals of me. And though her grandchild isn't born, this seems indicative of what lies ahead. And I hate that my child will grow up to know that he/she is not a priority for my family.

It's hard, but all I know to do is to make sure that he/she knows how much my husband and I love her and that hopefully that will be more than enough.

[Anonymous]

ME TOO! My kids are nearly 4 and 2, and my mother has made it to exactly ONE birthday party, and I guess she figured her presence was enough, because she didn't get my daughter a present.

My oldest is her favorite, and my youngest is chopped liver, and it makes me BANANAS. I get so fiercely protective of my youngest, that I just want to beat the snot out of my mom.

It's getting a little better because my youngest is developing a really special bond with my MIL, so they'll each have their own grandmas, I guess, but for God's sake - they're KIDS! Can't my mother at least TRY to be fair???

Oh, but she's SOOO busy running her business, and I shouldn't have had kids during her busy season if I wanted her to show up, and blah blah blah. It makes me furious.

I'd better post this anonymously, because twitter posts my comments (somehow, and I don't know how to turn it off!) and she is my twitter friend, but you can call me...

Duck Lady

[Heather G]

I understand. Husband's brother & wife have yet to wish my 5 or 3 year old a happy birthday. He's even the godfather to the oldest. They don't do Christmas gifts for them either. The wife has seen my boys maybe 3 times in 5 years (and we've been around them close to 20 times in that time period.)

They are due with their first in August. I'm just betting we catch hell if we don't remember every little occasion. We've already been told by husband's parents that we need to visit (out of state) when the baby is born.

Can't we pick & create our own families?

[Ruth]

It's a hard lesson to learn at age 5. I have the same problem here. Just fill her day with busy things and maybe she won't notice, next year before her birthday remind your family how big of a deal a birthday is for a kid and how much they LOVE a phone call on their day to make them feel special. It worked for me!! I do it every year. Thanks for writing your thoughts, I love your blog!!