Go Go Gadget Nipples

It seems that around six months of age or so, the world becomes an oyster and my babies want to see it all.

With my nipple in their mouth.

It's one thing to breathe in what once was a bunch of shadows and blurry figures that is now the beautifully bright world around them.

I fully support their exploratory spirit. Onward children!

But does it really need to happen while still attached to my boob?

I think it's safe to say I rely on my nipples more than I do my brain, and in fact, I'm pretty sure that my nipples could effectively continue to run my household, as well as feed and entertain my children (and my husband too, I guess) in the absence of my mind.

In fact, had it only been my nipples and my husband on the flight home from Philly on Monday with all my children at the butt crack of dawn, I'm pretty sure everyone would have been just peachy. 

One less pair of shoes to take off at security.

They're a teething toy, a hose, a pacifier, a food source, an "easy" button (ahem), and lately, Gumby.

It's hard enough trying to do the quick cover up when she pops off after two minutes or so of nursing because a kid ran by, or the phone rang, or the air blew on her head in the wrong direction.

No, she does not eat that fast. There's a very interesting speck of lint on my shirt that is more captivating than sustaining herself with food.

However, when she's stretching her neck to make sure GOD FORBID she doesn't miss anything with my nipple still firmly planted between her teeth or tongue it just makes me feel like a circus freak.

But instead of feeling all sorry for myself and my poor chewed on Inspector Gadget nipples that sort of resemble an old elastic that's been used a few too many times (sexy, right?), I figure I should put them to good use.

Safety first.

Comments

[Aubrey Anne]

Sometimes (most of the time until now) I feel like no one in this world understands what it is like to be me with a baby. I am subconsciously aware that this isn't because NO ONE HAS BEEN THROUGH IT, but because NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT.

Thank you Thank you Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone in my nursing baby misery.

[patois]

Now that's a leash I want to see all the moms have on their kids when visiting Disneyland.

[Caroline]

I so feel your pain, no pun intended. Our baby girl started doing that at four months old, which is why we're down to one feeding a day instead of two or three (she's not breastfed exclusively, anyway).

Now, at six months old, she's doing the same thing... except with teeth. The other day I went to pump and BLED INTO MY MILK. EEYOW.

If that doesn't say "weaning soon," I don't know what does!

[Lyndsey]

OMG! Too Funny!

We have just gotten to that stage, and I have just resigned myself to having everyone in the world view my nipples :-)

[Carrie]

Once a childless friend of mine was looking at the nipple of a bottle and musing about how is that supposed to seem like a real nipple? a real nipple isn't that big and long, right?

I hated to inform her that what is now small and perky will someday stretch beyond imagination, in the viselike grip of a small human turning his head.

[Shannon @ AnchorMommy]

I should have known my baby was going to be a real talker, because when he was about 9 months old, he would pop off to babble baby talk at me and I'm like -- really? Babbling at me is more important than eating? At least he had the courtesy to let them go before talking though. Especially once his teeth came in.

[Mimi]

Ah yes, just weaned my little booger from nursing during the day, so I don't have to endure that shit anymore. Because everyone and their husbands had gotten to see my nipples (stretched and unstretched) simply because said booger could not FOCUS ON EATING for more than .23 seconds at a time.

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

I'm going to read this every time I feel a little wistful for those nursing days.

[Vicky]

At about 5:30 a.m. this morning I was thinking the same thing. It's the same comforter we've always had why today does she need to crane around and see it every 2.5 seconds and take my nipple with her?!

[Andrea]

Its great being a freak show isnt, its elastic nipples woman see how far they stretch any guesses.

[Meagan Francis]

I'm not sure which is scarier, the stretched-out nipples or shooting milk across the room when your baby decides to pop off *right as milk lets down.

[BJC]

I could never understand the problem people have with breastfeeding in public.
There is nothing more natural and beautiful in this world than a mother feeding her child...

BJC

[Heather]

I'm feeling the same pain. Yow!

[Heidi]

Glad to see I'm not alone with my rubber nipples. My last child is six months today and I'm counting the days until his birthday/weanday.

All of my children have done the "turn and sip", and they've all bitten me. And, in their turn, they have learned fast that doing either of these things will immediately end your feeding session and land you on the floor (or, in the case of the airplane ride, in Papa's lap) PDQ. It took each of them 2-3 times of this action before they got it, but it did save me a lot of pain.

[Reiza]

I've been known to say, "No, you cannot get that to go," and "We don't offer take out," to my children in reference to trying to grab the nipple and leave while nursing.

Luckily, the newest baby isn't doing that yet. All my others have, though, including the twins and yes, they did it at the same time while tandem nursing.

[TheFeministBreeder]

One of my Twitter friends joked about inventing a Nipple Straw that would allow a child to nurse from many feet away. Imagine the possibilities! No more screaming in the backseat while you're trying to race home from whereveritwasyouwere - just throw out a Nipple Straw and calm is instantly restored!

I love it. I'm waiting for it.

As far as Kid Leashes go - we have a monkey backpack for the older one (with a long tail the parent holds onto) and we both luuurve it. Keeps him safe while letting him walk independently like most toddlers insist on doing. Dig.

[Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com]

That hurts my boobs to even think about! Shudder.

[coolteamblt]

My guy is six months and has been doing this for quite awhile now. It's also signaled the beginning of weaning for us. He'll refuse to breastfeed unless it's first thing in the morning or right before bed now. :(

[RubiaLala]

Million dollar idea. Invent it.

[NYCrystal]

Same here with my 8 month old. Onward and forward is all I have to say :)

[Lisa]

I'm currently experiencing some added duties of my nipples: They are a squeezy toy, a thermometer, a first aid kit and a playmate for Wee One to talk to. They are NOT, however, a Jewelry Box. Sigh. Ow. I love my baby and his four teeth, but the end is in sight. He'll be a year in September and this Milk Maid is going back to regular bras and drinking liquor.

[Christine]

Now *this* would make for an interesting cartoon concept! :-) -Christine

[Rusti]

Emma's just hit 5 months, but she's already starting to do the same - holy CRAP I've never experienced anything like it... thanks for posting, you at least got me to LAUGH about it! oh - and I absolutely feel your pain!! definitely!

[Sandy]

ha!! i'm in the same boat and i feel your pain - literally!

[mommysaidwhat]

For me, this behaviour signaled that the end was near. When my boobs started taking the back seat, my ego was sufficiently crushed to start weaning her. (I'll show her!).

[Sarah]

Hey, don't know how Toby is or if you still have him, but I just wanted you to know we had to put MAX down. I couldn't help think of you and Toby. Max licking his ears in SI....anyway, hope you are well.

[Jill]

ha! Now that would get you some attention at Denny's!

[Adventures In Babywearing]

I know this... This is my life. Ow.

Steph

[Michelle]

My daughter is almost 11 months old and still does this. It got to the point where I would try to nurse her when I knew the cat was outside so she wouldn't be so distracted. I've loved nursing but I'm looking forward to weaning over the next month.

[Angela]

Hilarious! And so true. Now if only we could retract them as easily as Inspector Gadget did. Sigh. I guess that's one of the reasons my husband would love for me to have a boob job after we're done having children.

[Jen L.]

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! This almost made me pee on myself. Lovely illustration!

[Erin]

My son is nine months right now and right in the throws of this. We can't nurse outside of the house without me flashing the neighborhood. Last night I was in tears of laughter at his gymnastics. He was trying to hold my nipple in his mouth while he climbed my chest with his feet to flip over upside down to see the dog licking his empty ball sack.

[phenry]

I also remember this. My daughter (second child) was worse about this than my first -- whipping her head around with breast still in mouth -- OW! It was around this age that I began to wean them. After all, I was getting a bit annoyed with getting them re-latched only to have them distracted a minute or two later. I tried to be discreet, and cover up with a baby blanket when out in public, but my daughter would pull it off to look around. I figured if she was more interested in seeing the world, she could see it behind a bottle. Frankly, I'm happy to have that part of my mothering over with, but I miss the late night cuddles.

[Kelly@AChildIsBorn]

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I remember this all too well. As do the brains in my nipples.

Thankfully, by the time she was old enough to be easily distracted, she also had a super-fast eating time, draining me in sometimes 90 seconds (hello? how about some relaxing time on the couch, kiddo?).

[delilah, the unruly helpmeet]

My boy is 6 months old, and I have just begun to dread the excruciating *pop* followed by the disgusted stares of proper old southern women. I feel your pain.

And I think the sign up there looks like some newfangled baby yo-yo.