Baby pool, bitch

We're extremely fortunate to have a pool in our neighborhood, except that it involves me wearing a bathing suit more often than I'd like, attempting to adequately apply sunscreen to three wiry little children, and having to deal with families who think the pool is their pool even though my family (along with about 50 others) have a key card to get in it.

I realize there are always going to be kids (like mine) that snatch toys, splash water, and sneak snacks. And for the most part, the group of parents I generally hang with take on the role of "the neighborhood's parent" and enforce rules that I would generally require of my children anyway - apologize for snatching toys and return them, splash water only on fully clothed party poopers, and sneak enough snacks to share with me.

But really, we all politely redirect each others' kids when necessary and go about our business of drinking beers out of plastic cups and doing our best not to have to actually get in the still freezing cold pool.

Except when it comes to tomfoolery in the baby pool.

Granted, while I haven't yet had to pull the "Baby Pool Bitch" out at this pool, I'm perfectly fine sending the big kids out of the baby pool and back into the big pool without any ounce of sugar coating.

Apparently when your kid gets big, he doesn't require parenting, so you can sit back and read your rag mags while your elementary aged kids do cannonballs in a barely 2 foot high baby pool. Or, like this past weekend, decide to bring your gihugic blow-up lounger in there with a bunch of toddlers roaming around.

One of the neighbors asked him quite nicely to please go back to the big pool and he completely and quite rudely ignored her.

And so, I gently placed my V-8 Splash and Vodka in a recycled Dunkin Donuts plastic cup down (classy!), brought in the "back-up" by going around so he could see me, and asked him to please take his blow up toy, that literally took up half of the baby pool, into the large pool.

Maybe he smelled the full serving of veggies and fruit on my breath, but he picked up his neon lounger pretty damn fast and headed to the pool.

At which point, a woman came up to me and asked me what the problem was, in a not so friendly sort of way.

I told her that the toy and really, the kid, was too big to be in the baby pool, where it could easily cover up one of the babies.

Now, I didn't recognize her, not just because my vision was a little blurry (phew all those veggies), but because I'm not sure if she was a neighbor or a visiting friend. She told me that she didn't see a problem with the lounger being in the baby pool and that the baby pool was for children who didn't know how to swim.

Really, I think she was trying to tell me it was for big kids in blow up loungers who should be able to do what they want.

Fine. Your kid wants to float on a lounger in teeny tiny pool of shallow water?

Go let him do it IN HIS OWN BATH TUB.

So next time, I'm going to let the lifeguard on duty handle it.

Comments

[CASTILLO22ADRIENNE]

According to my exploration, millions of people all over the world receive the loan at various banks. Thence, there's a good possibility to receive a small business loan in all countries.

[baby gifts]

You just did the right thing. Other parents just don't know how to set the correct example. the kids behavior shows who the parents are.

[Karen (Submommy)]

I was never the Baby Pool Bitch until I started working with kids AND their parents.

It was only then that I found my inner C-word.

The trick is to be a bitch with a smile on your face. Kill them with fake kindness. It works.

[Liz@thisfullhouse]

"Maybe he smelled the full serving of veggies and fruit on my breath...."

Ah-yup, it's enough to scare the bees-juice outta my kids!

[Shannon@anchormommy]

Hell yeah. Similar thing happened to me last year at my mom's neighborhood pool, but since I was the "visitor" I didn't want to make a big deal of it. But you know what? I should have. Gonna speak up this year, because it's bound to happen again. Thanks for being a good example! (And I'm going to try your vodka drink too. Excellent technique, with the DK cup.)

[Gretta]

Wow, people are just...what is WRONG with people?

That video nearly made me pee.

[patois]

I am a fan of Baby Pool Bitches like you.

[amanda]

Oh, how it fills my heart with JOY to know I'm not the only mom who's gone Grizzly-bear-mama on some kid who's threatened/hurt/upset my kids.

I'm generally the "mall play area bitch" because other parents don't bother to stop their kids from pushing my littler kids around. I nearly punted this brat that kept pushing, shoving, and finally SPANKED my 12 month old daughter. I was walking over as she spanked my little girl-and had to do some deep breathing to keep myself from literally snatching that little bitch up and shaking her. I did however calmly get about 18 inches from her and told her to never, ever touch my daughter again. Her eyes got so big and she backed away slowly. I swear I scared her so bad she peed.

I wanted to feel bad about it-BUT SHE ACTUALLY SPANKED MY DAUGHTER. give me credit for not killing her.

[nina]

Such a good post! My husband & I live on a military base with a community pool for residents. We recently took our daughter to the pool for the first time. She wasn't too excited about it at frist.. but we got her warmed up to it. Just as she calmed down and began to enjoy floating in daddys arms, a boy - who looked to be about 11 - came and jumped in the baby pool to surprise his little toddler sister. he was throwing balls at her and making huge splashes and acting crazy. my husband asked him to calm down or get out. his mom came stomping over 2 minutes later yelling at US! she said her son shouldnt have to leave the pool, its for children over 4! i then pointed out that its for children UNDER 4...duh. she flipped out and made her kids and husband leave.. her husband who might i add, came over and apologized for their behavior complaining that he "couldn't control the boy or the wife!" haha

i should've offered some of our vodka that we had slipped in in our water bottle =)

[Anissa@Hope4Peyton]

I've recently become the Chick-Fil-A playroom bitch for yelling at a bunch of middle schoolers who came down a slide on top of my 5yo...oh HOLY HELL it's a good thing that room is sound proofed cause I lost my shit on those kids. At least their "supervising adult" had the good grace to be embarrassed and shuffle them right the heck out of the restaurant.

[Lisa]

Ummm, maybe the parents of 8, 10 and 12 year olds who can't swim should spend less time at the pool and more time getting swimming lessons. I think staying afloat takes 14 seconds and $2 to learn. I'll start a scholarship fund.

[Elaine at Lipstickdaily]

Yeah . . . no problem have Kids Who Don't Know How to Swim in the baby pool, provided they don't need giant floaties . . . which are only for KWDKHTS in the big pool!

[Linda]

This is an AWESOME post. I really am going to have to use it for Baby Bunching bests this week. Ha! I hate to be the Baby Pool Bitch too. My oldest is barely able to pass for the baby pool this year. Yikes.

[Mary]

As a admitted germaphobe I was actually glad when my now 6 year old was finally too big for the baby pool and various other cess pools of germs (i.e. mall playgrounds) that toddlers and babies hang out in :-) I managed to get past my germaphobe ways and let her play but the minute she was big enough we moved on to bigger and better germ pits. That being said I was often the parent at the science museum glaring at the big kids in the baby area.

[caramama]

They can't swim so they are allowed to be in there? Then it wouldn't be the Baby Pool. It would be the Pool for Kids Who Can't Swim! That's so ridiculous. There is a shallow end to just about every pool, and that's where kids who can't swim can hang out.

(I do exclude from my statement Jenni's son and any other children in similar situations who can't handle a big kid pool for reasons other than simply not being able to swim.)

When I was young, I lived at the pool in the summers. After you were no longer a toddler, you weren't allowed in the baby pool. Very rarely, we'd be allowed IF there were no other kids in or near the baby pool. If it was deserted, we got permission from the lifeguards--but if any young kid showed up at the baby pool? We had to vacate. I think that was more than fair.

[katie]

WTF. I ran into the same problem at CHIC FIL-A. They have a "toddler" play area. I mean seriously. It's really small. Obviously meant for little ones.

And some asshat of a "mother" encouraged her demon spawn of 10 year old boys to play in there, pretending to be COMPLETELY oblivious to the fact that her asshat children were running down the preschoolers.

That is, until she met me.

And I didn't even have any vodka. Rage fueled purely on oh so delish lemonade and lack of sleep.

[Rosmeary]

I read your blog every day, but I don't think that I've ever commented. You are a terrific writer, and I look forward to starting every day with your posts ..

This one made me snort my coffee.. now that's a funny post!!

[The New Girl]

I SO don't look forward to dealing with asshats like that.

Horrible.

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

I will resume my role as Baby Pool Bitch this summer now that Oliver is old enough to stand and play in there - and then get knocked down by the big kids who not only jump in there during adult swim, but who use the baby pool as a thoroughfare between the two big pools.

And I am so bringing a plastic water bottle filled with my beverage of choice. Good call.

[Mary @ Holy Mackerel]

I got in trouble once by a lifeguard who told me it was his job to tell the kids off, not mine. Whatever. It made me feel good nonetheless, and depending on my mood, I'd do it again. I love terrorizing bratty kids, and especially their parents. My fave way to spend the summer months! :o)

[marla]

oh the summer time pool bitch... she's the same woman we all went to jr high and high school with ;P

[Colleen - Mommy Always Wins]

Dude, that video was SWEET.

I only wish I had some neighborhood friends to have beers with while at the pool. ;-)

[Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com]

That's ridiculous!

I hope he stayed out of the baby pool afterwards at least!

[Carmen]

Ridiculous!!! I just don't get some parents at all. My SIL is like that. She defends her kids actions no matter what when other adults attempt to reprimand them. She's done it to me in my own home and I quickly put a stop to that.

I personally welcome other parents telling my children when they are doing wrong. I'm usually pretty observant and always supervise my own kids, but you know that a stranger's reprimand is usually a little more lasting.

You can just imagine what kind of adult that kid's going to be with a mom like that...

[Jenni]

I will play the devil for a sec here. My 8yo is usually in the baby pool. He is autistic and mentally handicapped (he doesnt look it tho) and cant handle a big pool. That said I do watch him and wouldnt let him take a giant floaty into the little pool.

[Mimi]

What is up with 12-year-olds rough-housing in the BABY POOL? Last weekend I spent the entire time by the pool asking older kids to (nicely) get the fuck out of the baby pool because, you know, they were DROWNING my 10-month-old. I was totally the Baby Pool Bitch.

[Jill]

Ugh! Those parents that just let their kids run amok unsupervised drive me nuts. We don't have a community pool, but I have had to lay down the law in the "little kid" section at the park. I can't tell you how many times I've found myself scanning the park for someone who looks like they're paying attention to the 10 year old girls taking over the monkey bars that are only 5 feet off the ground. I get my "Where are these kids' parents" face on and bitch about it for awhile, but if no one does anything about it, I've been known to shoo them off to the "big kid" section. You're a parent. PARENT your children for Pete's sake!!

[Meredith]

I think it would totally be worth the money to invest in a bullhorn and special seat just to be the Lifeguard on Duty for a day. Even though you'd probably get escorted out, possibly by law enforcement.

Keep kicking ass and writing about it!

[Sue Rodman]

I love the fact that you're getting your daily dose of veggies at the pool.You're a wonderful writer. I enjoy (and relate to) your stories. Thanks for my daily laugh.

[Christy Writes]

Sounds like that mom could've used some of that V8 & vodka to chill the fuck out...good for you for being the "baby pool bitch!"

[Manic Mommy]

I'm the Playground Bitch. Whatever.

Mmm Ghetto Bloody Mary.

[Courtney]

I hate when i have to be the "Baby Pool Bitch"! Last summer i got in a pretty senseless argument with a mom who's 8 year old was splashing my 2 year old in the kiddie pool. At one point after i ask the kid to stop splashing my son since it was clearly causing him to drown the kids stuck his tongue out at me and splashed me which caused me to want to pick him up by his toes ad throw him over the fence. Instead i confronted him Mom only to get the same response as you. He doesnt know how to swim so he can be over here. I eventually won the battle when the lifeguard overheard the argument and escorted her and her son over to the big pool. GO BABY POOL BITCHES!