Don't Give Up, Never Give Up

I publicly vowed that I would not write about Jon and Kate Plus 8, but fuck it. I'm a heathen and twitter vows mean absolutely nothing to me.

Now I could sit and analyze Jon and Kate's relationship and their personalities and narcissistic behavior and "OMFG what is with her hair????" for hours.

But some super smart and funny folks have already done that.

Instead, I want to tell you that I was so incredibly bothered by the whole thing because my husband and I were there just a few months ago.

We were sitting on separate sides of the couch, arms crossed, body language so blatantly screaming "I fucking hate you" that we didn't even need to say anything at all.

I was bitter and resentful and bossy.

And he used to be out late nights, getting text messages from random ex-girlfriends.

Praise the Lord for lack of birth control and better jobs. It made all the difference in the world.

Most of the time he became my sounding board for frustration over being alone and dealing with the in-laws and anything else that I was angry about.

I pushed three fucking kids out of my poor vagina so I have the right to be pissed at the world.

Or him.

He took my brow beatings, and I put up with his immature bullshit.

And lo and behold, we found ourselves on that same couch.

That was until I watched the Sex and the City movie for the 14000th time while my husband was yet again out of town and I realized that if Miranda could forgive Steve, then what the hell am I doing being mad at my husband (who didn't even sleep with someone else).

I was sick of being sorry for myself and living in a miserable place that was completely and utterly in my control to change.

It prompted me to get off my ass and write my husband this long, poetic email about how I'd been a royal bitch and it's not fair to the kids for us to be like this.

[note: As a writer and a terribly messy cryer, I express myself waaay better in words than over conversation]

It was a breaking point.

I'm willing to work on this for the kids, I told him.

And when he got home, he looked at me and asked me what I wanted for me.

What I wanted for us.

He told me that it wasn't good enough for him to want to work it out for the kids. Neither of us would never ever truly be happy.

And he was right.

So from that point on, we decided to leave the web of resentment, hurt, abandonment, anger, and everything else that we'd been juggling for the last five years on that damn couch. We picked ourselves up and we decided that we wanted to stay together for the kids.

But also, for ourselves.

So when Jon and Kate sat there, with their anger and bitterness all poking out of his blossoming beer belly and her bizarrely spiky hair, I got mad. I got mad that they let a television show and years of whatever get in the way of what was probably something good. Or at least good enough to make all those beautiful kids.

My husband and I have been through a lot of crazy shit over the last five years.

I promise you, it was pretty fucking crazy.

Maybe it wasn't as hard as having to take care of eight children. On days when I was alone, in my in-laws' house, with a post-it note on my door telling me to clean up, I can pretty much say it was darn close. When he said some crazy things to me, and I said some crazy things to him, and I felt the only way I could get through to him was to hit myself in the head with a vase, it was the lowest of low.

But even so, it pains me to see two people not willing to fight for their relationship.

I never thought that I'd be the one fighting for this one. I was more than happy to just sit on opposite ends of a bench with our kids in the middle, smile for the camera, and then rush off into my own personal misery, most of which I blamed on my husband.

I don't know Jon and Kate and I probably never will.

I still think they're pretty self-centered and I question a lot of their decisions as of late.

But in some ways, I feel like we're all kindred spirits in this journey of parenthood and marriage, lighting the way for each other in what can be a pretty challenging ride.

No matter how obviously careless, obsessively germaphobic, or follically challenged they may be, when a light goes out, I can't help but mourn the loss.

Not just for their kids. But for them as well.

Edited to add: I absolutely do not agree with staying together for the kids when there's abuse or repeated breach of trust present. I grew up in a home where I never felt safe and I prayed every night that my mom would leave. But my dad was never invested in being a father or a husband.

I'd like to think that people can change. And while the huz was nothing near to being how my father was, he's definitely changed. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt - and he's giving it to me. We both felt that the wrongs we committed weren't enough for us to break up.

But I do know how bad it can get. And also how good it can be to forgive. It takes both people to be willing to do that - if that's even an option.

Comments

[Christina]

I'm glad things are better for both of you now.

You know my situation better than many, and I can say we're making progress, but leaving behind all that hurt and betrayal is hard to do. Some nights we still find ourselves glaring at each other across the room, wondering where to go from here. Finding trust again is so tough.

I hope things continue to improve with you and D.

[mtp]

i really like this perspective of yours... thanks for sharing!

[muskrat]

Glad to hear this about y'all--that all is much better.

I can't say I've ever watched the show you reference above, but I've been on Twitter often enough to learn what's going on with the couple portrayed. It sounds like they're more worried about ratings than working out their issues.

[Mary @ Holy Mackerel]

I was going to write a post on Jon and Kate as well, because they've upset me so much with their situation.You hit the nail right on the head. Good job.

[MommyNamedApril]

with all due respect, i think you're reading a lot into a heavily edited show.

[AshAllman]

Great post, and nicely done. Couldn't agree more with your thoughts on marriage, forgiveness and J&K.

[Gretta]

Great post!

[Jenny]

Thank you. I spend WAAAYYYY too much time on the couch myself, usually alone, by myself, while my husband looks at me with the "what the hell is your problem?" look.

And he's right. What IS my problem? Me....

Thank you!

[Secret Mom Thoughts]

Well said. I hope Jon and Kate work on their marriage.

[LiteralDan]

I haven't been on that couch yet, knock on wood, but I can totally understand how people could be without there being anything wrong with them.

As long as you end up talking on that couch, things are probably going to be okay. Unless you're only talking to a camera and trying to score points... then they probably won't be.

[Greg]

All I will say is forgiveness is HAAAARRRRDDDDDD.D...D. And it doesn't just last 5 min. And it is something you'll likely have to deal with forever. But it can be a reminder (you decide if its good or bad.) Good on you for having the hard talk that many don't care to have. I will also say props to the Huz for asking what YOU want - kids are a blessing, but it always starts with #1. Sometimes a good shot of liquor and some tears can solve more than we ever imagined we could realize.

Speaking of kids, tell him to quit being a pussy and hug the knife. What are you, rabbits?

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

Having been on that couch myself - that's why I felt compelled to write.

But honestly, I'd be a little suspicious of a couple who won't admit having logged at least a few weeks (if not months or years) on that couch. No matter how compatible and enlightened a couple may be, building a life together is enough to drive them to opposite ends of the couch at least once.

[ohri]

you are right. i know you are right...but easier said than done.

[Issa]

Can I comment and ignore the whole J&K thing? I just commented at Julie's place on that.

Kristen, I am happy for you. I read all of this post and though, good for you for taking a step and yay for him for taking it one step farther. Seriously, I've been reading here for years...since oh one kid only days and I am so thrilled for you that I am crying. I'm a crier, what can I say?

[mrs chicken]

This is wonderful, honest and real. And I've been on that couch, too. Not very long ago. It is a fucking uncomfortable place to sit, and it's much better to not be sitting there anymore.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

Wow, this post really made me take a cold, hard look at myself. It's so easy to spend a little too long wrapped up in the cloak of self pity.

What I don't understand is why Jon & Kate don't just STOP this madness, take their lives off camera, and work as hard on their marriage as they have to build their 'brand'.

[Karen M.]

Awesome POST!!..not pot. *sigh*

[Karen M.]

This is an awesome pot, well said, can't add to it. Soo true.

[MFLEIJ]

You said it perfectly. What more can be said after that. You are so right woman!

[Meagan Francis]

I've been where they are (well, not EXACTLY where they are--we only had two kids at the time and there wasn't infidelity, just a lot of other craziness). My husband and I actually separated, divorced, stayed apart for over a year and then reconciled. I was so sad to read that their marriage is probably over, because I know just how much it sucks to get divorced. It sucks, sucks, sucks and there's not two ways around it, even if it's for the best and even if in the end you find happiness. The process S U C K S. And you can't really know that going in. You think things will be better if you're alone, or maybe with somebody else, and then you're alone and you realize you are still YOU and you have to live with YOU ever day and guess what: YOU HAVE ISSUES. And maybe you date somebody else and you realize that you bring all those same issues into your new relationship, only it's 100 times more complicated because you've got kids with this other person, and never realized how utterly awful and painful it would be to face spending the rest of your lives not together. You didn't realize, because you were so busy being angry and resentful. And maybe you had a really good reason to be. But even that is cold comfort.

The thing is, once you've made the decision to forgive, it is SO EASY. You can actually just walk away from the craziness. You don't have to work through who did what to whom or whose fault it was. It doesn't matter. You can choose to forgive even the most crazy and painful things and look past the insane people you temporarily became and move forward without any of it. It is really, really possible. I know, I've been there. I only hope that when their show is (HOPEFULLY QUICKLY) over and the dust has settled, that Jon & Kate may be able to come to the same realization.

[tuesday]

I love this post because it speaks to me. It is where I was/am. It so true you have to want to be married and stay together for yourself or it will never work.

[Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com]

I don't have television, so I had no idea who Jon and Kate were until last week, sooooo I won't comment on that.

Instead, I just wanted to say that I'm happy for you. I'm very, very happy that you and your husband were able to find a middle ground that works for both of you. Marriage, or continuing a marriage, isn't for everybody. But I think it's wonderful that it's working out for you =)

[Lindsay Lebresco (Graco)]

We just heard on the radio (here in PA) that they've decided to get a divorce. According to the DJ they want to be legally separated by July 15th. I keep thinking- what's the rush? It's been going on for a whole 6 months- big deal. They love they seemed to have for each other was strong for a lot longer then that.

I just wished they'd quit the show, sell the house, [cut the hair] and get some counseling - and not just for the kids. Great post.

[Don Mills Diva]

I have had to decide to get off that couch a few times the last few years - it's hard because it's comfortable to sit there and blame and be unhappy.

But I agree with Bossy - it's like flipping a switch and making a decision that you're gonna let go of anger and make it work.

Wonderful post - thanks!

[Christine]

Yes, it's not enough to stay in it for the kids - not only because the ADULTS DESERVE MORE, but also because, hell, the kids pick up on everything anyway. They know if something isn't working and feels toxic.

It's painful to work on the "stuff" but it can be immensely gratifying - assuming, as you said, that things like abuse aren't on the table - to rediscover one another.

On the other side, I think there comes a point where if you put in as much work as you can and things are still broken you have to come to terms with it. One of my closest friends went through this -- and what I didn't see or understand until she came out the other side, was that she had been an unhappy and resentful parent while in the marriage but was able to be so much more present (even amidst the challenges of semi single motherhood) and happy as a mom once she wasn't under the cloud of the unhappy spouse relationship.

-Christine

[Nicole]

Anger takes a lot of energy, and is usually detrimental to more important things.

Sunday night, the baby was crying and wouldn't calm down, and only wanted to nurse constantly, I was crying in the midst of a post-partum hormone crash, and Darren, who had to go to work the next day, got up at midnight with us and sat with us, alternately comforting her and myself and encouraging me.

And in that moment, I got off the couch, and figuratively smacked kicked myself for being such an idiot to not realize that the last 6 months of pregnancy were just as hard on him as they were on me. And then I thanked him for taking such good care of us.

The next night, I moved down to the extra bedroom so he could get some sleep.

[marti]

I'm happy to hear that things have gotten better. Good job.

[Emily]

Great post. Strangely, and incredibly thankfully, we were on that couch before we got engaged. I'll never forget the look on Husbando's face when I realized he was willing to step out of his comfort zone to fight for us. It took some counseling and the willingness of both of us to admit we were asses but the act of getting off the couch is incredibly powerful and has made our marriage far more wonderful than it ever could have been without the time on the couch!

[SC]

Really wonderful post. Thank you.

[Lynn (www.mamasays.us)]

Flipping that switch is key. You can remain stuck and mired in the mud or you can decide to see past it to the bigger picture. Glad that you were able to do just that. Sometimes it is daily struggle choice on where to apply your focus.

Thanks for your candor and for sharing something so personal.

[Adrienne S]

That was well written. You need to send this off to whoever reads Jon&kate emails!

[BOSSY]

Wow. Great post. Bossy was there too, sometimes it's just a matter of deciding to be happy, just flipping that switch and turning off the other that says, "Brood and think too much."

[Redneck Mommy]

Well said my friend, well said.

You have just described my relationship with my husband three years ago.

And once we really looked at what we wanted we realized it was one another.

We were just momentarily distracted by the bullshit.

We are now bullshit free and blissful.

[Domestic Extraordinaire]

I have yet to watch the newest Jon n Kate show, it is just sitting in my DVR staring at me. I used to really like the show and then I got The Chicken hooked on it. She loves that damn show. We would have probably watched it six times by now if she wasn't grounded. I want to watch but then I don't. I don't want to see that tension, that heartache, the mess they created for themselves. It just breaks my heart for all those kids.

So glad that you guys worked on things and did it for each other, not for the kids, because someday those kids will be gone and it will be a lonely quiet house if you all didn't work on you.

[Kyran]

awesome. more of us need to testify to the power (and struggle) of working it out.

[TheFeministBreeder]

I'm smack in the middle of a very similar post, so thanks for posting this. I'll be linking yours to mine when it goes up.

[Lee of MWOB]

Beautifully written. Most of us have been on that couch in one way or another but the self-centered thing is key. We each have to swallow a bunch of ego and surrender to the partnership to make it all work well.

Good for you guys and good for me and my dude too.

Great post.

[Adena]

well put! we all have our struggles - theirs are just more public. everyone needs to realize that it just ain't easy!

[Nico Blue]

Thanks for sharing.

I guess it doesn't help that the viewers are contributing to Jon and Kate's chaos by hiking up their ratings (and I won't deny that I'm one of those viewers). However, it is tv and drama sells so I do wonder how much of it is scripted or over-exaggerated.

For all it's worth, they should have ended the show last season like Jon had hinted wanting to do on the season's last episode.

I'm thinking not all can be lost if they're doing a fifth season. And Kate did call Jon "Hon" while at the birthday party. There's always hope.

In the end, I wonder how this will effect the kids as they get older. Hopefully there won't be any regrets.

[patois]

You do a service -- not that it's intent -- when you share this. That couch? Yeah, I was on it for a couple of years. (I think I slept on it many a time, too.) It's always better off the couch.

[Rachael @ Warm Hearts]

Great post! Thanks for sharing your story and I am glad you and your hubby made it to a better place. I also feel a great sadness for their loss. You are so right, we are all on this crazy journey of marriage and parenting together...

[Jen L.]

Great post.

Also, Kate's hair give me nightmares.

[Rita Arens]

I just wrote today about something similar. I was so mad at Beloved for so many years because he didn't react to things exactly the same way I did, and we had a really similar conversation last fall. We didn't want to be together for the little angel, we wanted to be happy FOR OURSELVES. And it made all the difference.

Thanks for having the guts to share this. People need to know nobody's immune to life.

[Tracy]

OMG what a great post. This somehow needs to make its way to Jon & Kate.

[Katherine]

Very, Very good post.

[Kristy @ Mommy In Pink]

This was a great post, and very well said. I totally agree, it's unfortunate!

[KJ]

You are totally on point. It makes sense...probably to most people who have "crossed to the other side"(have kids).

[Green Mamma]

Just discovered your blog via a friend's xanga blog. I loved this post. I agree with much said in the earlier comments: "Work it out - or don't. But get off the couch and love the life you live." Could not agree more.

[natasha the exile on Mom Street]

It's damn hard, isn't it?

I think that everyone's marriage (especially with children) has it's own brand of crazy.

No one's is exactly the same as anyone else's, but no one has it perfect. No one has it all figured out. Not one damn person.

And as someone who watched Jon & Kate's show from the beginning (what can I say, I'm apparently an infertility masochist who watched people with 8 kids from a hospital bed after losing yet another baby) I can attest the there *was* something good there.

I hope that they can find a way to like themselves again so that they can start to like each other again.

[tng]

Um.
I love this post.

And I vote for a KnD plus 3 show b/c seriously??

That would fucking ROCK.

You just need to get a more interesting haircut...

[Kate]

I've been mostly on and occasionally off that couch for 5 of the last 7 years of marriage. I've fought for it, I've done and tried everything I could... but we always ended back up on the couch.

Anger is inevitable. It comes and goes. But at some point it goes and nothing is left in its place. We were not well-matched in our marriage. Repeated tragedies - revelations of molestation, porn addiction, in-laws and 2 dead babies - has sucked the very life out of it and me. So we are getting off the couch and going our separate ways. Which with one fabulous child means he is moving around the corner and will be here every night to tuck her into bed.

In the absence of straight up abuse, do you think that people should always stay? And how long is long enough? Just like babies need happy mothers above all else, don't they need to see parents who are happy and whole, together if they can be, apart if they can't?

My conservative, stay married forever mother told me that I have been beating a dead horse for a long time. At some point just bury the damn thing and move on.

So I agree, don't stay on the couch - mad and bitter and isolated. Work it out - or don't. But get off the couch and love the life you live.