The Post-Partum Vagina Monologues
After two kids, I was dropping tampons. But with three, I've got as much muscle tone as the half-ton teen.
Yep. Whatever semblance of a vagina that I was left with after Drew has now completely disappeared.
I suppose I should have expected such things, seeing as the vagina is a muscle, and when you push a few 8lb babies through it, chances are it's not just going to spring back to virginal attention.
But unfortunately, I must have just skipped right past the "Your vagina will resemble a pig intestine" chapter in those pregnancy books.
Silly me.
You're too focused on keeping your baby alive and fed, and yourself bathed and toileted, that you don't really think about your vagina.
Plus, hello. The vagina needs rest and relaxation and to be left the fuck alone anyway.
But just when you feel like you're getting your groove back after five months of your post partum haze - sporting your newly thinner ass and thrice refined muffin top in your old jeans, and not squirting milk at the cry of every baby within two city blocks - you want the sex.
Because you're clean and you smell nothing like baby products and you're wearing your one-minute thong (one minute because that's as long as you can wear it before it starts bothering your hemorrhoids), damnit.
But then you're all like "I want you all the way inside of me" in your deepest, groaniest, sexiest but not too loud so you won't wake the baby voice and he says:
Um, I already am.
FUCK.
And then it's the in and out and in and out like a tire pump pushing air into a deflated balloon that will flap and pffffffrrrt in what would generally be hilariously entertaining but holy Jesus IT'S MY VAGINA.
Then your groans get louder to cover the stray air leaving THE NOT SO FUNNY ORIFICE and you're wishing you had downed a fifth of something more than filtered water or that you had kegeled a few thousand more times and you're desperately squeezing as if that might actually do anything but squeeze more air out.
Yeah. Was there a chapter on this in those books?
Because I really wish I would have read it.
Another "con" to add to my list of having more than one child. I am so going to win this battle!
Posted by: KJ | April 08, 2009 at 12:04 PM
Kegels! tone that muscle!
Posted by: Naomi | April 08, 2009 at 12:00 PM
Oh my god. Hysterical. Except kind of not, you poor thing.
Posted by: zchamu | April 08, 2009 at 11:41 AM
Um, this is not something a pregnant woman should read. Nope.
Posted by: Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com | April 08, 2009 at 11:40 AM
LMAO...sorry but that's freaking hysterical...one more reason the kegel the hell out of my vagina! Thanks!
Posted by: Mommy In Pink | April 08, 2009 at 11:35 AM
I am now totally motivated to do my kegels. Thanks for that.
Posted by: ImpostorMom | April 08, 2009 at 11:00 AM
I had a similar experience when I had sex for the first time post-VBAC. I actually called up a friend and asked if my vag would ever go back to where it was. When she demurred I hung up and kegeled like my life depended on it.
And yes, the kegels worked.
Posted by: Marketing Mommy | April 08, 2009 at 10:58 AM
So I am definitely not having a third kid now. Thanks!
Posted by: Naomi | April 08, 2009 at 10:54 AM
This makes me thankful my uterus was sliced x2.I know I'm bad.
Posted by: Sarah @ Small Slice | April 08, 2009 at 10:43 AM
This was the funniest thing I have read in ages! All the more funny because it's true! I'm going to link to you today because, OMG, the awesome!
Posted by: MsSassyPants | April 08, 2009 at 10:37 AM
I have the "one-minute thong" too! Damn those hemorrhoids...
Posted by: Jenny | April 08, 2009 at 10:34 AM
Reading your post, nearly squirted coffee out my nose! My latest (and last) sprog is now 4 months old and I'm considering sex. Thankfully, I don't have your particular problem (3 c-sections) but the prospect is still daunting.
Do you know they have surgeries to tighten you back up? Scary.
Posted by: Heidi | April 08, 2009 at 10:30 AM
I'd take my flappy vagina over a sliced open uterus any day of the week. Been there, don't ever want to go back.
But seriously, how many women reading this are now scheduling their cesareans because they believe their vaginas are going to fall apart now? This is nothing some kegals can't fix (says the mom who VBACd a nearly 10 lb. baby and has better sex now than she did before.)
Posted by: TheFeministBreeder | April 08, 2009 at 10:24 AM
You should write sex ed textbooks for teenagers, cause that right there is a cautionary tale. Woosh!
Posted by: Susannah | April 08, 2009 at 10:20 AM
okay so i'm not the only one after 2 kids the tampon won't stay in. In fact it somehow managed to do a backflip in there on more than one occasion! After 3 babes now, I don't even bother.
I hear ya!
Posted by: beth | April 08, 2009 at 09:17 AM
Sweet Baby JEsus I am 32 weeks pregnant and now i am very very scared!
Posted by: Keila | April 08, 2009 at 08:59 AM
Kegels!
Like every other muscle in your body, with a little attention, it'll be in decent shape in no time.
Just be thankful your colon isn't falling into your vagina! That's where the REAL post-postpartum fun lies!
Posted by: The Clever Mom | April 08, 2009 at 08:39 AM
And that's just ONE reason why the scheduled c-section is my new BFF...
Posted by: Becky | April 08, 2009 at 08:22 AM
Haha! Why are you so funny!?!
Nothing like a little "queefing" to make the getting sexy sexier, huh?
Posted by: Angie in Texas | April 08, 2009 at 08:04 AM
Holy shit...I just fell out of my chair. You are TOO funny! And it's sad because it's so so true. I've only had one child so far...good Lord I don't wanna even think about what's gonna happen after two...
Posted by: Karen | April 08, 2009 at 07:29 AM