The Post-Partum Vagina Monologues

After two kids, I was dropping tampons. But with three, I've got as much muscle tone as the half-ton teen.

Yep. Whatever semblance of a vagina that I was left with after Drew has now completely disappeared.

I suppose I should have expected such things, seeing as the vagina is a muscle, and when you push a few 8lb babies through it, chances are it's not just going to spring back to virginal attention.

But unfortunately, I must have just skipped right past the "Your vagina will resemble a pig intestine" chapter in those pregnancy books.

Silly me.

You're too focused on keeping your baby alive and fed, and yourself bathed and toileted, that you don't really think about your vagina.

Plus, hello. The vagina needs rest and relaxation and to be left the fuck alone anyway.

But just when you feel like you're getting your groove back after five months of your post partum haze - sporting your newly thinner ass and thrice refined muffin top in your old jeans, and not squirting milk at the cry of every baby within two city blocks - you want the sex.

Because you're clean and you smell nothing like baby products and you're wearing your one-minute thong (one minute because that's as long as you can wear it before it starts bothering your hemorrhoids), damnit.

But then you're all like "I want you all the way inside of me" in your deepest, groaniest, sexiest but not too loud so you won't wake the baby voice and he says:

Um, I already am.

FUCK.

And then it's the in and out and in and out like a tire pump pushing air into a deflated balloon that will flap and pffffffrrrt in what would generally be hilariously entertaining but holy Jesus IT'S MY VAGINA.

Then your groans get louder to cover the stray air leaving THE NOT SO FUNNY ORIFICE and you're wishing you had downed a fifth of something more than filtered water or that you had kegeled a few thousand more times and you're desperately squeezing as if that might actually do anything but squeeze more air out.

Yeah. Was there a chapter on this in those books?

Because I really wish I would have read it.

Comments

[Linda]

I am 19 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child (first born vaginally), and although this is scary, I would way prefer a vaginal birth to a c-section.

I have thought about wanting 4 kids, but I am going to go with my husband's idea and stop at 2 after reading this. Dear God!

[southern mama]

i didnt schedule my 1st c-section. how silly that would be just for my vagina's tone. I seriously doubt women can do that unless your rich and famous, but that is another topic.....but i labored for 32hrs and my 9 lber was not coming out. My 2nd baby was 8 lbs and it was a scheduled c-section because we were expecting a big baby that my pelvis anatomy wouldnt support pushing.

I had no clue that your vagina doesnt go back after vaginal births. Sure I thought they stretched, but geez. Im sorry! Wont Kegels help? Maybe in time the tone will tighten up.

Im glad I did have c-sections though. If not, with the size of my kids, esp. my firstborn, it would be like throwing a hotdog down a hallway, lol.

[Ellen]

@keila: I am 32 weeks too and officially freaked! The hell with going to the gym, I'm just going to Kegel for the next 8 weeks!

[Bevin]

Oh my goodness, add me to the list of women who are now doing Kegels while typing their comments. I'm sorry for your embarrassment, but it made for a *great* laugh this morning!

[Kerrie]

Umm...thanks for the warning. However, after delivering the first bundle of joy I find I have the opposite problem. While still doped up on the epidural I cracked the joke to the doc stitching my ass "Can you make me a virgin again", he replied "If you want", I'm pretty sure he did. Bring on the lube.

[Bill]

Did I forget to mention that I'm glad to be the one of the people in our family who has testicles?

[TNG]

Doing kegels makes me feel all wiggy and agitated. I have NO IDEA why, but omg, I's HATES me the kegels.

I'm only up to dropping the tampons, though.

[Michelle Pixie]

There aren't many perks to a c-section but I am considering this as one of them. I have always felt like I was missing out by not being able to squeeze my three out through my vagina but you've made me feel better. ;)

[Bill]

Well usually I can relate to at least something in your posts but strangely enough, today not so much! *faints*

[Emily]

You just terrified me. I've been rolling my eyes at the Kegels portion of my yoga dvd but now I think I'll be rewinding and playing again WAY more often!

[Summer]

Doing kegals as I type this... I've only had one baby via C-section, but I'm hoping for a VBAC next time and it's never to early to start right?

[Ruth]

OMG! I thought it was just me. After 4 kids, same problem, and I'm sorry all you woman who say just do your kegals, it's 5 years after the last baby and I could do them all day long and nothing could shrink my grand canyon. I hope you have better luck than me!!!

[KJ]

Another "con" to add to my list of having more than one child. I am so going to win this battle!

[Naomi]

Kegels! tone that muscle!

[zchamu]

Oh my god. Hysterical. Except kind of not, you poor thing.

[Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com]

Um, this is not something a pregnant woman should read. Nope.

[Mommy In Pink]

LMAO...sorry but that's freaking hysterical...one more reason the kegel the hell out of my vagina! Thanks!

[ImpostorMom]

I am now totally motivated to do my kegels. Thanks for that.

[Marketing Mommy]

I had a similar experience when I had sex for the first time post-VBAC. I actually called up a friend and asked if my vag would ever go back to where it was. When she demurred I hung up and kegeled like my life depended on it.

And yes, the kegels worked.

[Naomi]

So I am definitely not having a third kid now. Thanks!

[Sarah @ Small Slice]

This makes me thankful my uterus was sliced x2.I know I'm bad.

[MsSassyPants]

This was the funniest thing I have read in ages! All the more funny because it's true! I'm going to link to you today because, OMG, the awesome!

[Jenny]

I have the "one-minute thong" too! Damn those hemorrhoids...

[Heidi]

Reading your post, nearly squirted coffee out my nose! My latest (and last) sprog is now 4 months old and I'm considering sex. Thankfully, I don't have your particular problem (3 c-sections) but the prospect is still daunting.

Do you know they have surgeries to tighten you back up? Scary.

[TheFeministBreeder]

I'd take my flappy vagina over a sliced open uterus any day of the week. Been there, don't ever want to go back.

But seriously, how many women reading this are now scheduling their cesareans because they believe their vaginas are going to fall apart now? This is nothing some kegals can't fix (says the mom who VBACd a nearly 10 lb. baby and has better sex now than she did before.)

[Susannah]

You should write sex ed textbooks for teenagers, cause that right there is a cautionary tale. Woosh!

[beth]

okay so i'm not the only one after 2 kids the tampon won't stay in. In fact it somehow managed to do a backflip in there on more than one occasion! After 3 babes now, I don't even bother.

I hear ya!

[Keila]

Sweet Baby JEsus I am 32 weeks pregnant and now i am very very scared!

[The Clever Mom]

Kegels!

Like every other muscle in your body, with a little attention, it'll be in decent shape in no time.

Just be thankful your colon isn't falling into your vagina! That's where the REAL post-postpartum fun lies!

[Becky]

And that's just ONE reason why the scheduled c-section is my new BFF...

[Angie in Texas]

Haha! Why are you so funny!?!

Nothing like a little "queefing" to make the getting sexy sexier, huh?

[Karen]

Holy shit...I just fell out of my chair. You are TOO funny! And it's sad because it's so so true. I've only had one child so far...good Lord I don't wanna even think about what's gonna happen after two...