The Post-Partum Vagina Monologues

After two kids, I was dropping tampons. But with three, I've got as much muscle tone as the half-ton teen.

Yep. Whatever semblance of a vagina that I was left with after Drew has now completely disappeared.

I suppose I should have expected such things, seeing as the vagina is a muscle, and when you push a few 8lb babies through it, chances are it's not just going to spring back to virginal attention.

But unfortunately, I must have just skipped right past the "Your vagina will resemble a pig intestine" chapter in those pregnancy books.

Silly me.

You're too focused on keeping your baby alive and fed, and yourself bathed and toileted, that you don't really think about your vagina.

Plus, hello. The vagina needs rest and relaxation and to be left the fuck alone anyway.

But just when you feel like you're getting your groove back after five months of your post partum haze - sporting your newly thinner ass and thrice refined muffin top in your old jeans, and not squirting milk at the cry of every baby within two city blocks - you want the sex.

Because you're clean and you smell nothing like baby products and you're wearing your one-minute thong (one minute because that's as long as you can wear it before it starts bothering your hemorrhoids), damnit.

But then you're all like "I want you all the way inside of me" in your deepest, groaniest, sexiest but not too loud so you won't wake the baby voice and he says:

Um, I already am.

FUCK.

And then it's the in and out and in and out like a tire pump pushing air into a deflated balloon that will flap and pffffffrrrt in what would generally be hilariously entertaining but holy Jesus IT'S MY VAGINA.

Then your groans get louder to cover the stray air leaving THE NOT SO FUNNY ORIFICE and you're wishing you had downed a fifth of something more than filtered water or that you had kegeled a few thousand more times and you're desperately squeezing as if that might actually do anything but squeeze more air out.

Yeah. Was there a chapter on this in those books?

Because I really wish I would have read it.

Comments

[Lisa]

This blog reminds me of one of my rants and had me giggling out loud. As for the condition of my vag after having a kid, my only complaint is that I think the doc sewed me up funky and I was MORE tight after I healed enough to give sex another go. I thought I might tear that first time having sex again. Actually, I thought the doc broke my vag for the longest time. I seem to be better now, but it looks like I'll be having a second baby soon. We'll see what happens after this one.

[Suirauqa]

For the first year after my one and only babe I too felt cavernous and like I'd fall out. And although I didn't have a 3rd degree tear or anything my inner labia had to be mostly sewn back on. Kegel's are important but your uterus is a tendon so you can't tighten that with exercises if it prolapses.

Almost 2 years after labour I feel more normal but HATE how my vagina looks. My labia stretched and I have an extra 'ridge' due to the labia reattachment. And I'm sure I couldn't see so much of the interior before.Not so noticeable when I'm inactive but it totally swells with vigorous sexual fun. What a visual mess.

My sister was one of the fortunate who has no idea what I'm talking about. She says she looks and feels the same as always after her two tiny ones.

Thanks for making me feel better. I think I fall in the middle somewhere.

[Mavil]

I'm a 43 yr old mom of 4, I had my 1st in my 20's n my vagina feels better than ever... I divorced recently n my new boyfriend told me he thought I would b lose because of the number of kids I had...I'm a horny thing n whenever or wherever we have sex I have multiple orgasms... He counted 10 as being my max n almost passing out n a pounding headache after that... Recently we were separated for a lil bit over a yr. n when we were together again I was sore because he said it felt tight like a butthole... I said it felt like it was my first time too n let me tell u, I was not dry at all... I'm a super soaker when it comes to raining down he had to put shoes on when he had me on the kitchen table because the floor was too wet n he was sliding too much so he needed the xtra grip.. (He slid anyways)...kegels every day n stay fit... Vagina is a muscle if u don't use it u will lose it.

[E]

I'm a guy, and I'll admit I found this looking for porn. I think it's attractive when a woman has some mileage down there, and I know I'm not alone. A lot of us bigger guys prefer it for logistical reasons as well.

[MFKT]

This is a stupid blog. All of you are idiots. I have 4 kids and sex still feels great. I take care of myself and my husband got a nice big penis. We are both satisfied. Get over yourselves, vaginas are made to have kids.

[Jaide]

Okay some of these comments put me at ease, while others did the exact opposite. Okay I'm 20 y/o .. 35 weeks preggo with my first baby and I am terrified. Lately I haven't exactly been "in the mood" to have sex with my boyfriend and I know they'll be a difference after the baby is born. Right now sex is great. I'm so scared I'm going to have a massive open vortex down there and sex won't be the same. He makes comments now about the lack of sex, especially since we used to go at it many times a day (and here I am). Anyway, will kegels before the delivery help me not to be so "floppy and stretched out?"

[Dena]

I have had 5 kids and pregnant with our last child. I am honestly going to say that if you can't feel the sex after a child or two or three maybe it's your husband that has a small penis?? My husband is nice and thick and even after 5 kids I can wear a tampon fine and when my husband enters me is does not just slide right in lol. So it sounds like some of you women have husbands with tiny thin penis's and maybe should be looking there for the source of any sexual problems. I will admit it doesn't look the same and when I was a virgin oh well, but it's not that bad at all, it's just obvious I have had kids and for that I am blessed. That's why God gave us a vagina in the first place duh, it's so a baby would come out someday! And it is a muscle down there so it's meant to tighten back up! Whoever would be so vein should never have kids in the first place. GL !

[Shannon]

Very funny. I am two weeks post partum, healing from a level 3 tear and constantly squeezing air out my vagina, which is annoying. Although the air is still there, I feel better now having read this. I actually risked laughing outloud right next to sleeping two week old.

And for all those who made negative comments, I hope you can find someone who can support you and whom you can be supportive.

[hiskate]

After two natural labors by the time I was 24 and the 80+ combined stitches that resulted from said labors (boys; 4 yrs and 1 yr; 5lbs 5oz and 5 lbs 11oz) this made me laugh my ass off... And I'm still ready to have my 3rd. Even after all of the scaring and tearing (3rd degree tears with my first born) sex really has become better. I honestly never knew that it could feel this AMAZING. Ladies, your parts may not look the same, but damn, stop being so self-conscious. Relax and enjoy yourselves. Vaginas were created for two reasons; to give life and to take pleasure. I've never been happier. Give life, live life, and cherish everything that results.

[Lala]

Omg you ladies have really helped me out. I'm an 18 year old with a baby gotta admit I freaked out when I saw myself down there. Ive asked my obgyn iabout it and all she said it went back to normal and I was like what's normal?anyways I'm also kegeling(sp?) while reading this. I'm beyond terrified how everything is working down there. My son is now 1 year old and I haven't had sex in 2 years basically since I found out I was prego. Im really scared of how tight I am and my BF says it doesn't matter if I'm lose or not he still loves me I just wish Im not lose like its seriously depressing. I love your blog btw I have been looking for something like this for months I gotta admit I feel soo much better after this :) thanks for the laugh girls so if you ladies have any advise for me pls share I really am worried about this and need some advise. :) -lala

[C]

Good grief, now I'm even more pissed at all the people (women) who tried to make me feel guilty about remaining child-free...

[Gizmo in Japan]

Quick stats, my wife, 2 months post natural birth, our first, she feels so tight it's crazy! She is a born again virgin as I have yet to fit myself completely inside of her! Health wise she is fine, but she got cut as our baby was huge and so scarring has definitely affected her mentally but all in due time. Regardless of the scar she is super tight and it reminds me of high school with virgin classmates! Sorry but had to write that. Just like a virgin I might have to eventually with her consent just push myself way up into her. Otherwise I think stopping halfway will not be good for both of us. Good luck all. BTW my wife walks everywhere, we don't own a car. She also bikes. She is fit and small.

[Shaila]

Wow Some people need to lighten up! I have issues after having babies, why sit there and be depressed 24/7 over something you can't help, better to laugh over things!... I thought this was great and laughed

[Melissa]

I loved this post, especially since I thought I was growing something "down there" after having my third. I wish I had found this blog sooner because I wasn't prepared for things to start sticking out. At my one year check up, I was terrified that the obgyn was going to tell me I had an std or a tumor, or something...
And, just as funny as the post, all the comments! My son was sitting next to me as I was reading this and kept asking what I was laughing about.

[Lisa]

I stumbled across your blog and I love it! I'm a mom of 4 with the youngest being one so I've been there and I know exactly what you're talking about! It's so great to be able to take all the seriousness of life and women's health issues with some humor (or a lot if that's what keeps you sane!) Thanks for sharing!

[whoa551@hotmail.com]

FYI the doc doesn't cut through abdominal muscles during a csection unless it is an emergency. They are separated. I have had both a vaginal and csection birth....neither are a walk in the park. Each have disadvantages and physical/mental sacrifice.

[Jessica]

To be honest, find it a bit disrespectful to make fun of something like this. These issues can be emotionally devastating for some women and treating them as a joke is quite horrible.

I noticed that someone posted she'd take her floppy vagina over a 'sliced uterus' any day.
Well, I'm the opposite. I'd slit my own uterus if it meant I could avoid pelvic floor and sexual problems.

My uterine scar healed very well and I recovered from my elective c section quite quickly- within a couple weeks in fact. Whereas my vaginal birthing friends were still sitting on tubes by the time I had started all my usual activities.

It's not just about a floppy vagina (the medical term being vaginal wall prolapse or loss of muscle tone). It's about a host of other pelvic floor problems that ironically require major surgery to correct. For example, uterine prolapse, bladder prolapse, rectal prolapse, incontinence (anal and urinary), rectovaginal and colorectal fistulas. These things are serious and should not be taken lightly. We take the risks of a c section such as DVT and infection so seriously, but we are quick to treat those of a vaginal birth lightly.

[Lara]

I'm a sex therapist and I don't think this is funny at all. Ask women whose marriages have become strained and sexless after children, especially those who have unfaithful husbands due to this problem and I don't think they'll find it funny. I know a lady who lost sensation in her clitoris post childbirth and she cannot orgasm any more. Really, it's not funny.

I'm not advocating c sections to preserve muscle tone, but I do object to the negative way in which some women here have portrayed them.
I don't recommend them for women planning on a large family (3+ kids), but for those who want two or less it's not the worst thing.

Very few people realise that c sections come with benefits other than preserving vaginas. Very few people also realise that vaginal birth too comes with a long list of risks.
C sections do have risks such as infection and a debatably longer recovery, but vaginal births have serious long term risks such as rectoceles, cystoceles, pelvic organ prolapse, incontinence, obstetric fistulas and even colostomies.
A lot of women planning on smaller families may prefer the short term risks such as infection and a tougher recovery to a life of dealing with incontinence, uterine prolapse, dissatisfactory sex, or worse, a rectovaginal fistula.

While a c section does increase the risk of respiratory disorders in babies, vaginal births increase the risk of erb's palsy, cerebral palsy, spinal cord injuries, facial nerve palsy, brain heamorrheage, and intracranial haemorrhage, particularly if assisted with instruments.

There are risks and benefits to both modes of delivery and fully informed women are justified in choosing either option after an honest discussion with their health care provider.

Most countries- USA, UK, China, India, Brazil, Canada, South Africa, Australia etc now allow women to choose c sections as long as they are fully informed, planning on a small family and the surgery is performed at 39 weeks of gestation, not earlier.

[SoSad]

Wow! I just found this post after a week of crying each time my husband and I had sex. After my first son was born things were back to normal down there after a few months. I knew things were going to be different after my second child was born because even during the pregnancy itself I had very little muscle tone. I never could have imagined it was going to be this awlful. I am in my early twenties, in good shape, and breast feeding, but my second son is now ten weeks old and I can identify with your description of postpartum sex completely. Its not even worth having sex anymore, I can't even feel it and my husband doesn't enjoy it anymore either. I think I might have some damage that requires reconstructive surgery...

[monique]

Ps i am 1 year postpartum

[monique]

While i did not find any of this funny i was able to get some ideas to help me. My vagina looks the same. It feels the same for my husband when we have sex. But the nerve endings still feel raw and sometimes it hurts and sometimes i feel like there is too much friction. Other times I feel completely normal. The thing that worries me the most is my clitoris. It is different. I dont know why but it feels like its in a different spot like its lower and too sensitive. So any stimulation on it has to be in a certain way or spot or else it just hurts on it.

[britt]

After 6 months months of having your baby will levels still work

[Jane Thorley]

"So all you men out there who want virginal va jays jays postpartum, consider purchasing a penis pump and back off!!!!"

That attitude would explain why you are recently separated.

[momoffive]

I am a mother of 5, all vaginal deliverys...this blog has made me feel more human than I have felt in a long time...I too am seriously self concience about the va jay jay and the way it looks. Sex doesnt feel quite like it used to, but it is still enjoyable. I have recently separated and have felt alittle apprehensive about sex with another man (no one in mind yet), but it is nice to know that you are not alone in this sacrifice that woman go through everyday. So all you men out there who want virginal va jays jays postpartum, consider purchasing a penis pump and back off!!!!

[grassa]

a very big thank u, i thought i am alone in this. keep on kegelin. ladies it works

[Joni]

Oh. My. God. Laughed til I peed.

Oh wait, thats just my weak pelvic floor.

Seriously, I have 4 kids. One 10 and a half pounder. All vaginally delivered. It's not to say I haven't experienced some (read: all) of this, it's just to say I am having the best. Sex. Ever. True story.

I don't want women to be afraid. The vagina has amazing capabilities. It's meant to have babies go through it. The rectus abdominus muscle is not, however, meant to be sliced through. In the long run you'll suffer a lot more from a c/s to spare your vagina.

PS squats are a better alternative to kegels. There's a good anatomical reason for this. Bottom line: a nice tight bottom makes for a nice tight pelvic floor.

[vagbag]

Well if I have to poop…. i can feel it in my vagbag. Thanks four month old. I'm glad your smile melts my heart.

I'm glad I'm not the only one having this problem. I never knew a rectum could prolapse! WTF! Insurance does not cover this, FYI. So my vacation money is now being put aside for rejuvenation and ben wa balls.

[Rosa mcnulty]

This is my second baby will my vagina stay stretched out?

[Sassy Mommy]

For anyone wanting to tone their pelvic floor muscles, the muscles that make your vag clinch like a fist, Google "Taoist Deer Exercise." It's an exercise that resulted 20 minutes of pushing for my 2nd baby to be born, no postpartum incontinence, lochia stopping after 3 weeks and a return to sex shortly there after. Plus, hubby says the pussy's as good as ever and I am having great orgasms. Use protection with the deer exercise, as it will make a woman very fertile. Thus my beautiful daughter. ;-)

[Alex]

I just had a baby less than a month ago. I'm 19 and actually walked out of the hospital at 5'5" and 125lbs with no stretch marks and a flat tummy. I have a better body now than I did in high school!

Unfortunately, I'm also horny as hell, but haven't been able to have sex yet. I have pressed inside with my fingers, and while I don't feel much of a difference from pre-pregnancy, it does feel numb near what was my g-spot. Clitoris works just fine, and my labia minora actually look better than before. I know I'm a 1 in a million case, but don't assume your body's going to go to hell postpartum. Just make sure you don't gain too much weight during pregnancy and while in labor, take things slow.

[Stacy]

Wow i'm so glad i found this site..i thought i was alone in the "My Vagina is Fucked Now" ordeal..
I was COMPLETELY devastated after my second kid. I'm really small so I think that's one reason it did so much damage. The Dr. cut really deep to because they couldn't even pull the baby out. Sex sucks now and i 4SURE can't sleep with any one with a small Dick because neither of us feel much pleasure and if u get at it wild it feels like there's no division btwn your vagina and asshole and that ur gonna have something come out you don't want. Certain positions you open up like a volcano and r like WHAT THE FUCK!! Hell no I aint EVER doing that position again. I do kegels like I'm suppose to but it only keeps the skin from prolapsing and you from peeing less when you jump or strain exercising. If they cut a nerve that affects part of that control too as well as epidural side effects. Since you have ALOT of extra weight pushing down on all those muscles for 9 mnths, and even more if your short because there's only room for it to go down once it's hit ur ribs, it's like on Mike and Molly and Mike's mom says "After pushing out a 14lb head I'm lucky to keep any of my innards from falling out"

[jamie gutierrez]

I jus text my boyfriend to save up for vaginoplasty :( I'm 17 weeks preggo and scared as hell now. That's always my first question at the docs or to any mom " will it go back or am I gonna be like those porns where they put the whole hand and arm in there..." they always say it goes back but I'm skeptical. I'm keggaling like crazy right now. We shall see!

[Haley]

Oh..My..GOD. I'm not but 17 years old and i haven't had a baby, and i'm not pregnant but omfg this makes me even more scared to get pregnant... Lol i had no idea of all the things i had NO idea about, in my school they don't talk to us about pregnancy. They talk to us about STD's and what our own body parts do. And they throw in a month or two about drugs and alcohol. But... the pregnancy part is completely 100% skipped, can you believe that?

[frances]

OMFG HAHAHA I haven't been doing any kegels...I have a 9 month old, and am single...too lazy! Hope things tighten up on their own, with time...Never did sleep with my baby's father after I had her. So I'll never know how the "after" compares to the "before!"

[Felicity Brown]

this is so funny but I do have to say for anyone who might be "scared" by this stuff that time DOES help. Some of you are what, one month, 6 months out? Give it time and have more sex and masturbate to get those nerves/muscles nice and toned again. I had 2 big kids (one came out with her hands up by her head) -- 6 week after my second delivery my doc had her fingers inside me and said "clench" and there was NOTHING -- I could see by her face she was freaked! (she was young) That made me think what the hell's wrong with me (though my husband still liked sex and said everything was fine....hey, as long as they're getting it they don't care...and btw the best time to do kegels is during the act. Tell him not to move and do them).

Anyway, it's 3 years later and a new ob/gyn -- she's using the small-size speculum on me and she said she uses that on women who've never birthed. So there you go. Give it time, do kegels consistently over time, don't be discouraged if it seems like nothing's happening right away and if you still get worried TALK TO YOUR DOC. - make an appt. and ask if you're normal trust me you won't regret it!

[Caile]

I read through the comments, and some people are saying that pregnant women SHOULDN'T know about this??
Well, if they don't know before they'll be in for a nasty surprise...
I specifically sought out this info because I want the TRUTH. Thanks for being so honest and pregnant women DO need to know what will happen to them AFTER THEIR PREGNANT. Makes sense doesn't it? Or else what? You'll just UNDO it? Grow up.

[mrsJ]

Hahah so grateful i've found this blog!!! And ye i've subconsciously been doing kegels while reading this!!! The 'fart' softens my hubs while we do the do so i better do 63636272738 million kegels a day...
I'll keep this in mind that...
KEGELS IS A FRIEND!!!

LMFAO!

[Jennifer]

And now I make the biggest over-share comment ever.
I can't Kegel in public. It's too...stimulating.

[Linda]

Do you all know what I had to punch into a search engine to get to this page? I have a four month old and I feel so much better now, rotfl.

[Monica]

Omg I really thought i was alone on this i think that the doctors dnt stitch women up enough and want u to heal 2 much on your own if i have another kid im telling the doctor not to be stingy with the stitches i dont care if it looks like frankenstein down there i dont want to be left with a gaping hole and also mention to him howd u feel if a bowling ball came out of your penis! Im actually upset about this and if that doesnt work im just going to get laser vaginal rejuvenation. Currently im using something called the kegelmaster 2000 which has helped but its hard to move up a spring cause everytime u have sex it weakens it again and its like u have to start over.

[Vaginal Rejuvenation]

No kidding, giving birth can have massive effects on a woman's body. There are some therapies out there like Urogynics that help women reshape their vaginas through some exercises and treatments.

[me]

Thanks for the good laugh...I just had my third baby (4 weeks ago) and I'm really worried about things down there...Eveyone keeps telling me that things will be back to normal ,but I really doubt it ...Thanks for the push of confidence ..hheeeheeehe

[Aubrey Anne]

I so wish I had time to read all the comments. This blog makes me feel SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better about myself! I had no idea so many people related so well to me. Love love love it. I kinda wanna make my husband read it so he knows I'm not the only one either! If only there weren't a permanent large supply of never-before-birthed-a-child vaginas out there waiting to be seduced. Maybe it would do him some good to know that it will happen to the best of them!

[Erin]

damn right... I am also doin the kegals reading this... just had my 9+ pound baby boy 1 month ago. I just had sex... hello queef.... who knew... (men secretly love this I think) after the sex...my almost completely healed self has now been bleeding again and so I checked myself out down there... what's up with the bulge coming out of my flower,,woa.....
i must admit my man couldn't have been happier and my size 2 34A body...now a D cup with an ASSS ...he loves it...gotta love u guys...he got me here he better love it ... not sure I wanna do this again...but oh...hard to say no to the sex
ha ha ha

[jay]

I guess everyone is different , I had a baby girl 8lbs 6ozs via vaginal birth, first one.My Vagina is very tight post child birth.I had sex 2 weeks after birth which was totally bad, i was so nervous it would be stretched out but i felt like a born again virgin. I also breastfed maybe thats why? We continue to have awesome, mind blowin sex. So childbirthing did me great justice. But thats just me....I recommend breastfeeding. But Vaginal child birthing is the best, at least for me and alot of people i know

[Duttymann]

You ladies find this funny? I'm absolutely horrified that you all can laugh at the destruction of one of gods greatest creations..... I'm a husband and a new dad and i pray to god that the my wife's flower can bounce back...you all disgust me...... :p

[Pearmama]

Girl, if you think havin' 3 babies has stretched out your junk beyond recognition, imagine the six I've birthed!! And you haven't corned the market on queefs either.

My husband assures me its still the same but I'm suspicious.

p.s I've actually had an incident where a tampon has...fallen out...whilst I was swimming at the beach. I swear. I'm thinking that instead of buying super absorbent...I need to roll up my own hand towels and stuff 'em in there and see if that works.

Heh.

[Rusti]

PS - does the whole "practically pissing yourself" (okay - really, actually pissing yourself) at the drop of a hat when you hear water or anything else stop at some point?? I totally did NOT do enough Kegels when I was preggo... I think I need to start doing them now!!

[Rusti]

holy hell - I almost just shot water out of my nose... I've been wondering lately if the hubs is feeling needy - as E's 3.5 months old - and we didn't have sex for at LEAST a month before she arrived... but after reading this - I think if he is, he's just going to have to HANDle things himself for a bit yet... oh.my.gosh. thanks for the laugh (and the reality check - I'm a little more prepared than I used to be... I think...)

[Lotta]

You speak the truth!

[Mandy]

Best damn laugh I've had all weekend!

[Sarcastic Mom]

Oh, hell. This is HILARIOUS. I mean... not the whole Vag As Pig Intestine thing, but YOU.

I enjoyed my guffaws, thank you.
*whew*

[Christopher]

Two thoughts from a Dad:

1. In my bachelor days, I had the pleasure of penetrating two different women who had given (vaginal) birth--coincidentally, both women had had four each. One of them was one of the tightest women I had ever experienced; the other was no loosey-goosey, either. I came to the conclusion that childbirth has a way of making women...better down there.

2. When my wife was pregnant with our first, I was hoping for a vaginal delivery partly for the above reason. I didn't get my wish (medical reason) and was actually disappointed.

[Baby in Broad]

Yes, and yes!

And I would laugh it off, except that, um...it's my VAGINA! And I just have the one child. Fuck.

[LopsidedMom]

OMG, Sylva...the vaginal farts in yoga class...I'm still embarrassed to go back to that studio.

[iMommy]

Oh.my.god... that is entirely too accurate. Are you spying on me?

[Rebekah]

I just had my first baby 3 months ago and even though I've already had my period [twice. thanks.] I'm too scared to use tampons for this EXACT reason. I'm just not ready for that kind of reality in my life.

I got half way through the comments and realised I was subconsciously doing [some really pathetic] kegel exercises with this air of panic.

[Backpacking Dad]

I'm definitely getting a c-section.

[newfiehun]

Thanks for the good laugh. Now I've peed myself. They didn't put that part in the damn books either. Good thing my kids are so damn cute or I'd feel totally ripped off!

[Stacey]

You take TMI to a whole new level. That was really rather icky. Yet, I laughed my fucking hemorrhoid-ridden ass off.

[Madeline]

All of you ladies have given me the best laugh I've had in a long time. I will be back to this blog, that's for sure.
--Madeline - Mom to 4 with a black hole vagina that regularly emits "tnuc traf"s during sex. That's what my husband calls it. Spell the words backwards--cu** fart.
There really is nothing sexier than that, is there?

[Sylva]

OMG too hilarious. Yeah, no one told me and I'm in my 20s after first baby...

re: and I have to wear a super absorbency tampon when doing yoga so as to avoid sounding like a duck at the back of the room.....

is that how you avoid "farting" all through yoga class??? :blush:

BTW, it happens anyway when you get older if you have the wrong genetics, nothin' to do THEN with vaginal or c/s birth!!

And if you want to know something more effective than the lovely Kegels... check this out!: http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Kegels-Fabulous-Exercises-Incontinence/dp/1928812031

[Mom101]

You say these things so that we don't have to.

[Stacy]

Oh my holy lord that was THE best thing I have read in a long time. I had a c-section but STILL, the nethers may be free of scars but put a 7 pound bowling ball at the top of a tight tube of muscle for 10 months (yeah, 10, not 9, bitches) and the effect isn't pretty either.
Cocktails, cocktails .... and yes, more cocktails.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Scarlett -

I appreciate that you think I have so much influence to steer moms towards an elective c-section.

That being said, C-sections are major surgery and shouldn't be taken lightly. And yes, a stretched out vagina might happen, but can be somewhat remedied with Ben-Wa balls and some kegels.

Hopefully folks know not to take anything I say as medical advice.

But seriously, kegels are your friend.

Squeeze squeeze squeeze.

I think that's a shirt, huh?

"Kegels are your friend"

[Scarlett]

WARNING: I hate to rain on the parade. As always, Kristen is truthful and hilarious, but I am concerned that some of you first time mommies (or even 2nd, 3rd timers) might find this post (and comments) so disturbing that you might beg for a C-Section. A C-Section is major surgery with serious risks. Please do some research first. Your ligaments stretch and the pressure of carrying a baby change you "down there". It's not all about a vaginal birth. Trust me, I've had two unplanned C-Sections.

[fidget]

so ive looked into these special weights and I can not believe the amount of money they want to charge for a farking dumbbell that you stick in your vag

because yes, after 4 kids things are a little more, uh, Queefy down there and medium flow tampons are no longer an option. However, after 4 kids, the sex is actually better. Loads more blood rushing around down there, much easier to get off if i can block out the exiting air sound.

[Heather]

SO funny. Yes, I never heard about this! But I think that's on purpose so the human race doesn't die out as we'd all think twice if we knew this little tidbit. You are hilarious. Just found your blog. The Jesus one too. My sister is an aethiest with 2 girls who went to Lutheran pre-school and would come home singing "Jesus Loves Me". The priceless moments of parenthood.
Just started my own blog on motherhood, humor (maybe not quite as funny as yours) and odds and ends. it's premamama.com if you want a visit. I'll be reading on, you made me laugh!

[firefighter girl]

I obviously need to be doing more Kegels, because this one made me laugh so hard I tinkled just a little bit. Bless you and all your hilarious, shameless honesty.

[Janie]

Super funny- good value in this read. 3 babies-- and a realistic discussion--Excellent share.

[Katie]

I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME IF I AM DOING KEGALS CORRECTLY. I HAVE ASKED TWO DIFFERENT OBS AND THEY LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS INSANE.

But WTF. I have no idea. It feels like I am squeezing my asscheeks together.

Can't they offer Kegal classes at the gym or something?

[Kay]

Thanks a lot! I'm laughing and wheezing and about to pee right here in the office!!!! Holy bejeezus!

[Asianmommy]

OMG--how funny! The things we do for these kids.

[MDTaz]

I'm surprised there isn't something like an International Kegels Day. Imagine if women all around the world exercised this muscle together at the same time, what might happen?

[Chucky's Mom]

They have that whole revirginzing surgery now. Maybe something to look into:)

[just beth]

I'm totally kegeling right now.

Christ.

xo

b.

[Courtney]

Thanks for the laugh! My second baby is now five weeks old and I need a laugh these days!

[Joy]

Yes! Kegels! Never ever stop doing your kegel exercises... Easy to do - everywhere, and anywhere, and no one knows you are continuously practicing for sex for the next time that you are "clean you smell nothing of baby products"!

[Lisa]

Oh, THAT part of the book? I'm pretty sure it's in the same chapter as "Yes, you had a C-Section and, yet, sex will be painful for the first few minutes of each session for the rest of your life", "They can induce you for four days straight before they opt for the C-Section, contractions and all" and my personal favorite "You know that skin that dropped below the baby while you were pregnant? Yeah, that's not ever going back. Enjoy the latest low rise fashions, Biatch!"

@Kait - OMG I have wondered about her vagina for years. It must be very echo-y in their bedroom. Maybe it's how they have group sex. The sound of their moans just bounce of the walls of her bits and makes it sound like a roomful of people are enjoying things. Too far? Ah well.

[anita ovolina]

I had c-sections so I didn't experience some of the joys of labor and delivery but I am sure that even having multiple c-sections weakens the area.
And there is the nice scar with a tiny pouch on top to deal with....

[Jennifer]

I've had three kids, the last one 9 lbs. 6 oz., and who the hell has time for sex anyway? The whole contraption could fall out and I wouldn't know it for weeks. Come to think of it, when I cough it kinda does feel like it's falling out...

[Amy]

HAH! I totally feel your pain, and I've only had two.

I find that limiting the number of position switches helps. You can add that to the t-shirt collection - Nice Girls Choose a Position and Stay There.

;)

[MommyNamedApril]

i've always been really bummed about my c-sections... not so much right now.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

Yes, mark that as one of those things "they" don't tell you because "they" are afraid child birth levels would plummet.

Give it some time though. With enough Kegels, things don't feel so cavernous as you get further away from childbirth.

But, I still can't swim with a tampon in me---it soaks up the water like a sponge. Childbirth broke the 'seal' (TMI, I know, but I feel like sharing).

[Samantha]

I had no idea you have been living in my bedroom....such a truly accurate depiction of such a sad sad situation. I too am a one minute thonger.

[Kaydee]

OMGosh! Do you know how hard it is to kegel and laugh at the same time?? As if your post wasn't funny enough, the comments had me laughing so hard I came oh so very close to peeing. I am 18 weeks into my first pregnancy and I must thank you for this warning. Armed with this knowledge I will now kegel non-stop until the child is born... I'm off to practice walking kegels...

[Tiffany]

Just an FYI to all the mommas that had sections...this can still happen to you with age if you don't kegel! Another reason to go buy some Ben Wa balls. And I have to say, eventhough I too have birthed 3 babies in 4 years out of my vagina, the latest being this past December, I am having way better sex now.

[Ally]

OMG - absolutely hilarious - and totally with you on the whole, why did no one tell me this?

Also Kegeling as I type - although I also HATE them with a passion..

(FYI - google GyneFlex.. it works for me!)

[Bitchy Mom]

One of your best posts Kirsten!!!!!!!

Seriously, why don't more people talk about this? I've only had 1 kid and I'm on my 20's and I have this problem... I can't imagine how bad it would be after 3.

This is seriously making me reconsider if i want to have anymore children........

@Kait - I'm seriously considering adoption now!

[brad]

after fathering three children, i have to confess that my penis looks pretty much the same as it did all those years ago.

[fiona]

OK i'm peeing my pants here because this is the post I've desperately wanted to write but have not had the balls ... thank you for your balls... or your vagina, whatever. I've had three kids and I have to wear a super absorbency tampon when doing yoga so as to avoid sounding like a duck at the back of the room.....

[MFLEIJ]

Oh the joys of motherhood! I seem to always say that. That is exactly what I've been dealing with since #2. My poor vajayjay doesn't resemble it's pre-baby self in anyway. it's like a different species to me now. I envy those women who have these vaginas that just bounce back or are lucky and have better sex AFTER. I'm 14 weeks PP and going faster than -10MPH is too fast for me. I can't imagine saying 'I want you all the way inside me'. Shit it's more like "I don't want you anywhere near me" !

[Kait]

I'm probably going to hell for this but my first thought while reading this was wondering what Michelle Duggar's vagina must be like after 20 years of basically constant pregnancy or having a newborn.

And also, my best advice for those of us who like to keep our delicate flowers as delicate as the day we were born? Adopt. That's what I did.

[tara wesely]

kegel-ing as i type. 33 1/2 weeks into my first pregnancy - no turning back now. i'm not sure if i should be thanking you for this post or ... not. (right there with you @keila and @ellen...)

[Jodie]

Ahahahaha, This is the funniest thing I think I have ever read... After TWO babies I was there, I had to have surgery to correct what pushing out TWO babies did to my vagina. It is called a Rectocele repair. A rectocele occurs when the tissues and muscles that hold the end of the large intestine (rectum) in place are stretched or weakened. This can allow the rectum to move from its natural position and press against the back wall of the vagina. Sometimes the tissues separating the two are so weak that the rectum bulges into the back wall of the vagina. (http://www.webmd.com/digestive-disorders/repair-of-the-rectum-rectocele-or-small-bowel-enterocele). Afterwards I was just like a seventeen year old, Yup, lots of KY and slow, for many months.

[Melanie]

There is apparently a ... uh ... weight that you can use to train your muscle tone there. I learned about this thanks to my MSc supervisor, who didn't clear out her web browser favourites file before I inherited her old computer.

Dear god, things I did NOT need to know about her.

It's a cone-shaped thing you hang weights off of. Seriously.

[Heidi]

That's what REALLY BIG vibrators are for.

[Amy Jo]

I started kegel-ing the second I started reading, and I can't say for sure when I'll stop. I shudder to think that this is also my fate.

[staciesmadness]

holy hell...i'm gonna get on my kegels NOW...thanks.

[Linda]

Wait until you've had three babies and age another 15 years and you go for your annual girly bits appt and the doctor inserts the speculum and then asks the nurse for a "larger" one because your va jay jay walls have "fallen". "Fallen where?" I screamed!! "Are they going to come out and rub on my thighs?"
"Am I going to have to wear 'swim shorts' so that I don't have meat hanging out?" "Can I get a coochie lift?" Wait...this good be good if I ever need a skin graft, right?
One of the finer parts of aging I must say...