With mother's day only a few weeks away, the PR pitches have turned my email inbox into a veritable smorgasbord of bizarre gift ideas.
I pray that no poor unsuspecting husband happens to fall upon my email box because all of you beautiful lovely moms would beat them silly if they actually decided to give you what these PR pros are trying to peddle as the greatest Mother's Day Gift (shameless link, tyvm).
But since it's mother's day, and we moms are desperate for something wrapped up in a bow, we don't actually care what it is. It's the thought that counts, apparently.
So exactly what thought does Soft Soap send, other than "I think I will never have sex with you again"?
Probably the same thought that a monster-shaped jump drive might inspire.
Don't get me wrong. I do not need a diamond heart shaped necklace from Kay Jewelers or even a day at the spa (although, those two things pitched to me in an email would make sense). I'd personally just love a complete day or even half a day or fuck, even TWO WHOLE HOURS to spend doing nothing but cuddling up in bed with a good book or let's be honest, the entire season of Rock of Love Bus and a bottle of champagne, and basking in the silence (interspersed with the sounds of drunken hos in thongs slamming shots in the back of a pink bus of course).
But Spanx. SPANX? (Which I totally love, pee hole and all).
What not just get a card that says "I honor you and your lumpy ass today"?