I want you to want me

Margot has been sleeping with me the longest out of all the kids. After waking up 3000 times with Quinlan, I finally realized that it was way easier for me to roll over, pop a boob in their mouth, and go back to sleep with her in the same bed.

Then around 4-5 months, my kids start sleeping worse in the bed with me, which sort of defeats the point of having them there in the first place, and I transition them into their crib.

Easy. Done.

But not little Margot. She refuses to even nap on the bed or in the crib, waking up instantly when I pull my boob out of her mouth or rest her down from my arms.

BAM! She wakes up like I just put her on a bed of nails and then acts like she's been sleeping for an hour - refreshed and rejuvenated.

But night time has gotten terribly worse, with her waking up about 15 minutes after I get up after nursing her. She totally realizes that I'm not there and then freaks the fuck out.

It's a little rough getting anything done after bedtime now, unless I can cram in writing 4000 words in 15 minute increments. I feel like I don't even get to take a complete shit anymore, let alone do anything that actually takes continuous brain power.

And lately, I've just been giving up and spending the rest of the night watching Real Housewives of the OC reruns until I fall asleep.

Needless to say, the girl is almost literally attached to me all the time, save the couple of times a day where I can get her to nap in her carseat that's swinging rapidly by the Graco Sweet Peace. But even when she's with my husband, she cranes her neck to find me - like a little vulture keeping an eye on her prey. And when I'm gone, forget it. She refuses to sleep at all.

Don't get me wrong. I love being wanted and needed. And part of me absolutely enjoys having her little legs propped up on mine every night when we're in bed together.

But damned if I need just a little bit of personal space and breathing room before I go completely and utterly insane.

Comments

[Multi-Tasking Mommy]

I'm there with ya. Right.there.with.ya!

[Stephanie Wood]

My son- (who is Drews age!) also does not like to sleep without me, and wont go back to sleep without nursing at night. I nap with him every day because I am so sleep-deprived. BUT....my daughter, now 6 , was the same way- SUPER clingy, and now she acts like a pre-teen, much prefering I go away. I will miss these sweet baby/toddler years when they are gone so I am determined to just try to cherish someone needing me and keep that in mind.

[Kelly]

We have the exact same thing going on in our house! My almost five month old had just started sleeping all night and then we went on vacation and he slept in the same room as us. Now he can be totally asleep (you know the ole arm test) and the instant I put him in bed he's crying. I'm going insane and I'm ready to go back to work then at least I'd get some time away. We had to get a bigger bed with #2 because my husband picks up our 4 year old IN HIS SLEEP and puts her in our bed. So at times we end up with 4 in the bed and I'm not a family bed person that's where I get my space. Anyone else ever nurse while pooping yeah it happens in my house but my husband on the other hand gets to poop in peace. I recently told him I'll be June Clever when he's Ward Clever. And he wants more kids! WRONG!

[Jennifer]

My normal response to friends with questions about their children (I'm usually the one of my friends with the oldest child, a teen, so I get asked a lot of ?s) is do what works for your family.
But I want to say here that I think it is SO important to find some way to take care of yourself. Please!
My middle child would absolutely not sleep without touching me, and even then it was a crapshoot. My husband worked nights, then went to Iraq for 15 months - Yippeee! - so I was all alone with this incredibly demanding, needy child. Crying it out did not work, and I tried, even though it really isn't a healthy choice (evidence supports this, it's not merely an opinion, I promise).
Then hubby came back and boom - another baby! (well, maybe there was no boom, but preggers nonetheless)
I went through some kind of hell of PPD, and it didn't start until little guy was like 6 months old. I just can't say it enough: ask for help. Beg. Tell them if you don't get some sleep, some time for yourself, you will lose your marbles and hired help is a lot less expensive than the mental ward and years of therapy. Believe me. I know.

[cindy]

It's just a season. Been there, done that. I nursed our first until she weaned herself at 2.5 years...finally, slept through the night. Our second was weaned at 18 mos. and began sleeping through the night. We did the family bed thing.

I actually went out of town for a few days and let my girls be with daddy alone. It really did help and he was the one dealing with the withdrawal. But it transformed our house into a house that actually got sleep.

I used to cry from lack of sleep. So, I feel your pain. I really really do.

I miss having a baby at the breast. And I swear, I don't eat granola.

[Lisa]

Mine hates sleeping with me, which is good for both of us... but he has an innate sense of when I've gotten all I can get done after he's gone to bed and I am finally standing at the side of my bed stripping down to nothing but a nursing bra. This is when he chooses to wake up. And he WON'T soothe himself back to sleep and I can't rock him or sway him back to sleep... he'll only fall back asleep after eating. And the Sweet Peace ROCKS (as a place to store more of his stuff - because he hates that thing too... which is sad, because I loaded some great music on my iPod for him. Sigh)

[no boobs for sanity]

This is why I bottle feed. My girl is 3 months old and I sleep away from her and she doesnt want to sleep with me. There's a reason for cribs.

[Katherine Briggs]

Count your blessings -- at least you GET to watch bad TV. My baby, who is a couple weeks younger than Margot, wants to watch the TV too if it is on. She won't even nurse -- she'll just whip her head back to see what those Gossip Girls are up to next.

And please don't try the cry it out stuff. I think it is the worst for clingy babies. They need you the most.

[DC Urban Dad]

We finally had to go to some sort of sleep training. We were lucky in that our little bean slept through the night after nursing. Then bam at 8 months, regression, and we went to cosleeping. That just sucked.

We did a variation of the Sleep lady and it has worked for the most part. There are still some night where she wakes up and just wants hug.

She now gets that when we head upstairs it is time to sleep.

On issues such as sleeping and breastfeeding I just say do what works for all parties.

I'm sure we will have a regression soon and I will have to change my pattern anyway.

[adena]

You might need to consider Ferberizing her. Sorry. It will be worth it to your sanity.

[Helen]

My daughter just turned 1 a week and a half ago and she was and is EXACTLY the same way...but don't lose hope - it has gradually gotten a lot better. I couldn't even tell you how many times she used to wake up through out the night looking for the boob. Now, on average, she'll wake up for the boob maybe twice, which has been glorious!~... I know EXACTLY how you are feeling with everyone giving you their advice on maybe feeding her more during the day, use this & that technique, etc. but nothing's worked. Your daughter, as well as mine, is just who she is. It's what she needs..at least that's what I tell myself haha..
If you think about it, although this phase or stage she's going through is rough, it isn't going to last for much longer...they're only this small for so long~ I'm just trying to cherish this time (most days....haha).

[Jodie Durham]

You totally crack me up, every time I read your blogs, I find myself laughing. Thanks for that!

[Brandi]

yeah...we're there, too. 2 years later. this child will not sleep through the night no matter what i do. and God forbid her father actually help out with that. hope your baby gets straightened out soon. like before 2 years of age.

[rosana v.]

i am SO feeling you on not being able to complete a full shit. aaaah...the delights of motherhood. i just started blogging last year and gave you an award on my blog...check it out.

http://chroniclesofmomnia.blogspot.com

[Ramira]

Mother-of-God. I have never before wished so hard I was not pregnant.

[Must Be Motherhood]

Oh yes, indeedy. Same deal with my 8 month old. To the T.
Why do these babies want insane mammas? Where's the benefit? Arrgh.

[Miss Grace]

I'm not a big fan of cry-it-out, and sometimes it's not right blah blah blah, but this might be a good situation to give it a try.

[Melissa]

Is she eating cereals and fruit for dinner yet? More food instead of boob? So she stays full.
Of course, she might just have to cry a little while you put in a swing or chair.
I know you can do it.

[jaelithe]

My son was like this, only actually a little bit worse. He wanted me to be touching him to sleep. Yet he actually hated sleeping in the bed with me - he wanted me close but NOT TOO CLOSE. He also wanted to be nursed to sleep even in the daytime, and if not nursed, would generally refuse to nap at all until he was just a ball of screeching overtired baby ferocity. There was no letting him "cry it out" in his crib, either-- the longer I let him cry alone, the more agitated he would get until he was red-faced and hyperventilating nigh onto vomiting. And just try getting a baby back to sleep after a fit like THAT. He also refused to be swaddled and in fact wanted nothing to do with blankets touching any part of him while he slept (or nursed in public). And any noise in the night would wake him up, and he'd want me near him but NOT TOO NEAR HIM again.

I would sometimes just fall asleep on my knees beside his crib, with my arm snaked through the slats, my hand resting on his back, waiting for him to fully fall asleep so I could sneak away. Sometimes I would sleep like that for a couple of hours before my husband found me. My knees have never quite recovered.

Yeah, that was a bad year for getting work done . . . and people wonder why I haven't had another baby yet. Heh.

I hope Margot gets less clingy soon. Do you think it would help if someone else who was not you put her down for a nap or to sleep at night sometimes? That seemed to help, eventually, with my son. If I just wasn't available he'd be upset but would eventually just get over himself and sleep.

[Valeta]

me too.

minus the writing 4000 words a day.

[Mom101]

I think you just explained why my bad tv watching went up as my good writing went down when my own kids were this age. It sucks when kids get in the way of the "mothers doing it all" thing doesn't it?

The good thing is, it will get better soon. And you've got evidence of that - twice.

[Brittney]

I am in the exact same situation! Rory is pretty content playing in his jumperoo, and I can usually get a few minutes to myself if I get him asleep and manage to transfer him to the swing without waking him, but if he can't see me, or notices that I'm not holding him anymore, he FREAKS! A few minutes alone would be MAGICAL!

[KindaSassy]

Am I the only one who took note of the fact you write 4000 words a day? Oh Mah Lawd.....

[marti]

parallel lives--just started formula to get some sanity--working at last, she wouldn't take it a bottle before...starting to think she ate all the time because she was hungry (duh) as she drinks a BIG bottle now...
The answer? GYM.WITH.DAYCARE.

[Jill]

Neither of my boys were like that, so I can't really relate. I'm one of those annoying people who will just suggest you let her cry it out. Because you NEVER would have thought of that yourself after birthing two kids before her! :-)

Here's hoping for a little personal space!

[Carmen]

Oh hell yes. I'm in the exact same situation with my seven month old. All I'm asking is an hour or two to myself a day -- is that too much to want? Apparently so. If you need me, I'll be the one quietly going batty over here in the corner...

[wookie]

amen. my youngest (9mo) is just as bad when awake.

[Kelly]

I totally hear you. Lillian didn't begin taking decent naps until she was eating more than breastmilk. And even then, nighttime was still precarious. I'd nurse her to sleep, and then try to transition her. Lather, rinse, repeat.

She'd often wake when I'd try to set her down.

It will get better, as I'm sure you know. In the meantime, however, it's not much consolation. You care all day for your children, so having those evening hours to unwind and do whatever is so crucial.

[Susan]

That was my youngest child. It is called birth control. You want want to have another after this. Hope it gets better soon.

[Olivia]

I agree with put the baby down. Babies only attach when you let them. I had a similar issue with my first and swore I wouldn't let it happen with my 2nd. I read Baby Wise and SWEAR by it. I know every baby is different but the book is worth a shot!

[Amanda]

That was my 2nd son. I couldn't even pee without him screaming for the first 9 months of his life. He started to like his dad (my husband) when he was about a year old. My son was also VERY picky about who held him during that time. My only consolation was he liked our babysitter.

[Aljolynn]

I totally feel you on this as well. Thankfully with the help of my son's babysitter he's become a bit more independent since I went back to work. Before I went back he needed to be attached ALL THE TIME and granted I do believe in attachment parenting but there's just a time when mama needs her space. It's just like having a clingy partner....space bubble please? Best of luck with your little one.

[Lee-Ann]

some kids just need comfort more than others. It'll pass eventually.

[MommyNamedApril]

aw, sorry :-( we didn't cosleep, but i did sleep in the nursery with my youngest until he was six months old. my husband finally put his foot down at that point and said night time demand (read CONSTANT) feedings were over. he wanted me back, physically and mentally. it took a little bit, but the baby got over the transition in a couple weeks. good luck with whatever you decide to do!

[chivet]

I feel you on the attachment issues, although my 26-month-old isn't attached to my boob. However, he does want ME the moment I get in the door. He wants me to wrap him in his little blankie and carry him. He's 30 inches tall and about 30 pounds. I'm 60 inches tall and...um...60 inches tall and my weak, scrawny arms are about to fall off! But I know that one day he won't even want me to look at him in public so I'll take it...for right now.

[Ade]

Oh man, I can totally relate. It is absolute heaven to be needed...but there were also times when my boy wanted to nurse that I would feel panicked and claustrophobic because I needed some space!! Just an hour with my own body would be nice~ anyway, my thoughts are with you. Your doing a great job!

[H]

In the same boat w/my 8 month old -- Turns out her eczema kept her from sleeping deep enough. Now I'm trying "the no-cry sleep solution" (by e. pantley) since her skin has cleared up, hopefully it works! She actually rolled over after nursing last night for the first time ever and slept for an hour without me. So maybe there is hope? Anywho, I feel your pain, hang in there.

[Heather]

All three of my kids have had that radar to wake up the moment I put them in a crib. I do admit it gets old sometimes, but I know I'll miss it when the baby stops needing me so much.

[Mrs. Priss]

It's interesting to see the other side of this situation... I'm at work full time while my husband is at home with the baby. She cranes her neck to see him when I'm holding her. I'll trade you!

[NG]

Oh I hear ya, mah sistah. Even now that my 18 months old sleeps pretty well on her own, I get so touched out by the end of the day I want to live in a cave on the top of a mountain.

[psumommy]

Oh, I totally understand that need for people to STOP TOUCHING ME, especially when I'm nursing. I have a 4yo right now who hasn't stopped touching me or talking at me for 2 hours. Fun, fun.

I have absolutely no advice for you. Hang in there! Take pictures of her while she's sleeping to remember how cute she is so you don't try to sell her on eBay!

[Lee of MWOB]

My third kid, a 22-month-old boy, after two girls, will NOT give up the boob and I am too damn tired to fight it. He can suck for hours on end and I SWORE I would not be this kind of mom.....but I am too worn out to be any other way.

Sometimes it's simply about survival, right?

But I know to survive in the big picture, I have to get him off my boob!! Maybe tomorrow I'll start working out after I take a big, long, nap!! Yeah right!!

[katie]

Yes. Yes. Yes. My five month old is like that right now. He would like to sleep all night with my boob in his mouth.

[Ame I.]

A friend of mine was a late-in-life surprise baby. From from her mother's 70 year old mouth came the wise & profound words: "Sometimes you needta put that baby down."
I was dumfounded! Needta? Put? That baby down? WOW!
Know what? Sometimes you needta put that baby down!
I learned to do selfish things like use the toilet without trying to hurry to the point of risking a prolapse, showering for 5-7 minutes, and eating a sandwich.
Baby might cry? Yeah,but so? Not allowing baby to cry for 5 minutes here and there is doing baby a great dis-service. Baby will live through it, promise ya.

[mommysaidwhat?]

Kudos to all you moms who are so much better at this parenting thing than I am. From Day 1 my son was in his crib, and he got the picture pretty fast. My daughter, not so much. At 16 months, she still screams her way to sleep, for about 30 minutes, each and every night.

I refused to nurse them to sleep. Too caught up in not wanting to start bad habits. What I failed to realize was, they're just babies...

In a few moments of desperation, I tried to let my daughter sleep with me when she was young, but she had reflux and would scream no matter what. And to be honest, I think she remembers those attempts, because in the moments before I put her in her crib (even now), she squeezes up next to me and presses her cheek against mine, trying desperately to fall asleep before she gets the rude 'drop off.'

[Boston Mamas]

Totally feel for you. Laurel was a "lounger" in the breastfeeding department too; as in, was happy to stay there all day. She literally spent the entire 2004 World Series glued to my boob either eating or voraciously comfort sucking (I credit the Red Sox breaking their long standing curse to her...).

I hope the tides turn for you soon! -Christine

[victoria]

both my kids, 2 and 5, stay with me while my husband is at sea... hell, they stay with us when he is home! but i try and realize that with all the change and moving we have done, my bed and me are their only constant. besides they are so cute and quiet when they finally fall asleep.

[Erin]

This was my older son to a tee. At about 10 months, in preparation for me going back to work and him going to the babysitter I started the 0-"sleep without me plan". I started by not letting him sleep completely on me. When he fell asleep on my arm I gently rolled him away but stayed beside him, just not touching. I progressively moved further and further away until there was a foot or two between us. It honestly took a few weeks and we had some set backs.

When I decided to stop breastfeeding him to sleep, I had my husband lie with him in bed. Jamie hated this but I didn't want him to feel abandoned so to ease my guilt I put my husband beside him as a stand in. My two boys eventually developed a routine together and I had my nights to myself.

I know your husband isn't around all the time but maybe there is an upcoming time when he will be in town for a couple of solid weeks to help?

[Kerrie]

I totally understand the parasitic baby. And the feeling of just being the dairy cow that is constantly on call. Oh, and the oh so helpful comments from the hubby of "you chose to breastfeed, you can stop any time". Tess is 9 months and we have at least 1 night a week like this still. I hope it gets better soon for you.

[patois]

Been there, done that. Miss it. We joke that I had to be at least touching my youngest for 23.5 hours a day for the first year of his life. (The other .5 was him screaming while I used the bathroom or, dear God, was able ot shower.)

[BarefootGoddess]

My youngest was like that. I thought I would go crazy. If eventually got better (it usually does). He did continue to crawl into bed with me until he was around 4, but now at 9, he's a great sleeper and the only of of my 3 that I don't have to fight with to get up in the morning.

[Bronwyn]

I had the same problem. Then one day I let her sleep on her belly and she slept most of the night (she was around 3 mo). Now at almost 5 months she is 90% of the time sleeping through the night.

I feel like I am a bad parent for letting her sleep on her belly, but it's the only way she will sleep. My mom said that's how me and my siblings slept best and not to worry. But I still do.

[NYCity Mama]

I wish I had some advice to offer, but I have a 2 and 3 year old that sneak into our bed ever night. And no, I don't even breastfeed them anymore! The youngest, the 2 year old likes to sleep with an arm, a leg, his face...something nudged up against me. Yes, sweet and I won't lie that at times I caress him and love feeling his little body against mine...but the deal is I am awake when I do that and not getting the sleep I need. I hope to figure it out soon, as I hope you can figure it out soon. But all I know if my 11 year old used to be the same way, and I am lucky if I can get him to kiss me every so often now.