I wouldn't have it any other way

With my book finished and more nights than not spent up way past all my Bravo reruns are over, I've found myself walking around in a thick fog of hormones, loneliness and resentment. 

Too many hours of the day spent holding a baby, begrudging my husband as he half-heartedly left for drill weekend.

I put the kids to bed and stare at the glasses of wine or vodka tonics I pour for myself and subsequently dump down the sink, the prospect of the pre-bed buzz I'd get not even worth bothering.

So when she woke me on Saturday morning at exactly 6:23am with her wretchedly pink tutu in her hands, I practically growled at her.

"It's still night time, don't you see it's dark out?" I bellowed, waking up the baby I had just shushed her to keep asleep only a minute earlier.

She crept away, wimpering softly.

Later we were reconstructing her magnet calendar, single handedly destroyed by her little brother. She was having a hard time filling in the numbers on her own.

"So what does 10 look like?" I asked her as she stared blankly at a pile of tiny magnets.

"Um, I don't know!" she replied frantically, as if her life depended on it.

I was cycling up. Like a tornado.

What was this school teaching her and why doesn't she know what a fucking number 10 looks like was really why the fuck am I always alone with all the kids? Why won't the baby sleep in the swing or bouncy seat or something? Why do I still not feel like myself?

"DO IT AGAIN" I told her, scrambling up the numbers. "HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW YOUR NUMBERS?" I screamed.

I tossed a few magnets at the wall. I threw Drew's vest near where she was working at the table.

And I cried.

So did she. Her face and mine - our dry skin streaked from the salty tears, no words capable of making up for my shame, for scaring my own children.

"It's hard being one person taking care of three kids, isn't it Mommy?" she said, later that afternoon, after we had reconciled over balloons, bubbles, and ABBA.

"The hardest" I replied. I grabbed her face.

"But I wouldn't have it any other way."

And I meant it.

Comments

[jj]

Much better you grab, the more you appreciate, Superior you presently know, higher you forget. Considerably extra you ignore, the considerably less you presently know. So why make an do the job to understand.

[ColeenMoreno29]

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[Nicole]

Thank you for posting this.

It helps to know that I'm not alone with the frustration.

I don't lose my temper often but it's those times that I remember most clearly.
Losing it and the look on my son's face.

This post and all of the comments have brought me to tears, but it feels good to be able to let my frustrations out like this instead of losing it before I even realize it with my toddler..

Thank you.

I'm going to go upstairs and give him a kiss while he's sleeping right now.

[Scarlett]

What a disgusting piece of tripe you are - so glad you're out of the great state of MS. I do, however, feel sorry for your husband... and anyone else who has the misfortune to be in your life. You're just a skank (get a good Southern girl to translate).

[Ginny]

At least you didn't choke her and tell her you hated her and ripped her favorite book in half.

Ah, bipolar mothers. I loved my mom, but I would have been happy if she'd have taken a page out of your book. You seem like a great mom, from what we read.

[Anissa@hope4peyton]

I'm doing it alone with three kids too (and I'm lucky enough that my oldest can pour cereal for ALL of them) but it's never easy to shoulder all the burden. Don't give yourself too hard a time for blowing up, trust me, you'd be doing it if he were still home. Some days it's just too much.

[Jennifer Kelley]

Ditto. It's tough on us Mommas but also something I wouldn't trade for anything.

Also, I think I felt like I should be more 'back to myself' faster than I was after having Cooper. A sense of normalcy with your body will take more time. It sucks but hang in there- it will happen. I think he was about 6 or 7 months old when I started feeling like my body had recovered enough to feel good. Ugh.

Thanks for airing our dirty secrets for us. Feels good to get it out there! :)

[Lynn H]

The only people who don't have moments like these are people who don't have children or are complete liars! No one has a perfect Mom. No one has a perfect child. You've just given you child something to help her fit in when everyone else is bad mouthing their Moms. Or you've given her something to keep the Psychiatrist amused with. Childhood and Momness are hard...no one gets out unscathed! At least no one had to call 911!

[Red Cup Mom]

I could have written this post but with two kids not three. Amazing how much connection all moms have during the rough times. I hope there aren't moms out there that are so perfect that this kind of stuff never happens.

[jaelithe]

I wish I could give you a vacation.

[Molly]

Give yourself a break! I feel like doing that sometimes, and I only have ONE kid!

[amber]

Thank you for posting that story with so much honesty. I have been feeling like the worst mother ever this last week for doing something very similar to my 3 year old son. Husbands just don't get it. Only another mother could truly understand how it feels. Thank you.

[Velma]

I know it sucks now, but it really gets better. I promise, because I read this and I remember and I wish there was some way I could loan you some of the peace that has entered my life now that the kids are slightly older.

[GirlsGoneChild]

You're amazing. An amazing mother, writer, honest, beautiful human being. Kiss on your cheek for doing it all, and usually on your own.

[Sharon]

I've been there with my boys. More times than I care to admit. Thanks for writing about the hard stuff so honestly.

[Sensfaction]

I totally admire your honesty. You're a great mom!!! Nice to know there are other real parents out there!!! Not ones who pretend everything is pretty and roses out in the open. Thanks

[Motherhood Uncensored]

@Alecia -- I read them all :)

I try to remind myself that by the time I'm done wishing that this all was over, I'll be wishing they were little again.

Weird cycle, this motherhood gig.

[Corey]

Thank you for making it seem a little more normal for moms to lose their shit sometimes. If more of us admitted to it, maybe the shame wouldn't be so powerful. You're an amazing writer and an awesome mom.

[Kelly]

Ah, sweetheart, what a wonderful post, I have no idea how you care for three kids (basically alone) and do it so well! Thank you for being so honest, so true in all your words. It makes it easier for the rest of us to forgive ourselves and know that we are only human and we are doing our best.

Thank you, Kelly

[Alecia]

You get so many comments so I don't know if you will ever even see this, but I still want to say, it gets better!!! I have 4 little ones. Ages 6, 4, 2 and 1. I feel like when my baby turned 1 all of the sudden things started getting easier. My hormones were getting back to normal, I was starting to like my husband again. It just felt like I was getting back to how I used to be. So hang in there and very soon it will get easier!

[Kristen]

My twin girls have never asked for another sibling and in fact have told me they never want to grow up because being a grown up is too hard. As much as it embarrasses me to admit it, that is probably because I had one too many days like the one you described. This is going to sound trite, but "this too shall pass". In 10 years when you are yelling at someone for having a smart mouth you'll wonder why the pink tutu ever bothered you so much and how you ever thought this whole having kids thing was a good idea. lol

[krystal]

thank you for posting this....i needed it today after my own cry fest!

[Hyphen Mama]

Wynnie and I have a certain similar conversation that goes like this:

Wynnie "It's HARD being a mommy, isn't it?"

Me "Yes, and it's HARD being a big girl with a baby brother who takes her toys, isn't it?"

[tuesday]

I have just spent the last 6 months alone with three kids under 5 while my husband worked 5.5+ hours away M-F.
I know how hard it is, and I know how you feel.
Sometimes I just wanted to run away and have someone take care of me for a change.
Hang in there.

[FishyGirl]

We've all been there. It's heartbreaking. Hugs to you.

[Vicky]

You know you are raising her right when she says things like that to you. We all have days like that. I threw a pb&J sandwich last week and scared my kid. Not my proudest moment by far.

Such a good post.

[Marie]

thanks for your honesty. It sucks sometimes, but then it's ok, just like that.

[hissychick]

Thank you so much for posting about something I've kept bottled up since my own less than blissful mummy moment a few days again. I feel like I can breathe again.

I hope you get some much needed time and space to yourself soon. Take care.

[nikki keller]

just a quick post to say thanks for that story... as a single mom to one little guy I feel your pain (at least partially since I only have one) and have had those mommy breakdown moments before. I was just glad to read yours so I know that I'm not alone...

[Issa]

Kristen, I'm sure it's all been said, but it happens to all of us. Or well, all of us who are honest. Parenting is hard, just plain hard. But it's still the one thing I'd never give up in this world.

Hugs to you. I hope your week gets better.

[mothergoosemouse]

Q is awesome. So are you. Don't either of you forget it.

[lori]

Just wanted to say that no matter how mad my mother got at me, what she said, or if she scared me-- I would not ever consider or ask for a different mother. Never ever.

[Cynthia Samuels]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through such moments. They are traumatic. We all have them (even with two kids 4.5 years apart) - and you are a wonderful mom; I've seen for myself! I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Too long w/out contact. Oh - and despite everything, maZel tov on the book completion. I missed it.

[leslie]

I cannot relate to your issue exaclty, but this might make you laugh anyway, I know I did... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESe-AysF9mw

[Karen (Submommy)]

(((HUGS))).

I really do understand. So does Quinlan.

[Jennifer H]

My husband is gone about 80% of the time, and I'm alone with the kids.

It's so hard, and we've all been in those moments. I adore you for saying it out loud.

[Karen Sugarpants]

We've all done that, sugar. Every last one of us. Hang in there. If you need anything, you know where I am.

[Christina]

If you didn't ever feel like this, I'd doubt your claim of being human.

But it sucks in that one moment, when you realize you went too far over something that really didn't matter as much as you thought it did.

We all do it, and most of us apologize in one way or another to our kids later. (Those who don't are the ones to worry about.) I think our kids need to know we're human, too.

[Steph]

Wow, thanks so much for writing this. I cried as I read it. I've been home with my kids for 5 years now. I like it, love it, hate it, resent my husband for it, am thankful for it, all at the same time. If that's not enough to make a person crazy, I don't know what is! We've all been there and had moments like that. And if a mom says she hasn't, she's not being honest with herself. Hang in there, and thank you so much for having to guts to put this out there. It helps all of us to know we're not alone.

[ninja]

Thank you for honestly sharing ... and congrats on your smart, compassionate girl. Hang in there!

[Jennier Suarez]

When you described this:

"DO IT AGAIN" I told her, scrambling up the numbers. "HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW YOUR NUMBERS?" I screamed.

I have to tell you I can relate. I did the same type of thing to my 5 year old just the other day. The same exact frustration but regarding words she was learning. I too was screaming... I even let the F word escape which in turn my youngest (2 years old) repeated.

*sigh*

I'm not even a *single* Mom, I'm just a MOM and a total wreck sometimes.

(((Hugs)))) You are not alone

[becky]

My husband is gone to Iraq and will not be home until April. I hope my 2yr old and 11mth old dont remember me losing it. But some days are extra hard for some reason. I feel so guilty sometimes, I cant wait until April.

[Jenny]

If more moms were honest like this, we'd all feel a lot better about ourselves. Thank you, I mean that from the bottom of my tear stained heart!

[Carla]

Out of the mouths of babes.

We've all been there, sister.

[Lisa]

It's so nice to hear from someone not ashamed to admit what we've all been through...

[anita ovolina]

OK crying right here with the girls. Have been yelling at them non stop for not doing this or that or not being able to get things. Mad that husband is always gone on some type of 'mission'.
Then I read your post - and I felt better. Lots better. I too wouldn't have it any other way.
:)

[Dennis]

I'm there with ya, sister! I thought and done the same and worse. And to top it all off, the kids say the same kind of thing to me. They know, and they love us still. Amazing little humans that they are.

Hang in!

[Heather]

My mom was alone months at a time to raise my brother and I since my dad was in the military. I cannot imagine how hard that was for her, yet I do not remember her ever losing it or yelling at us. I don't know that she never did or if I just don't remember it but I hope it is the latter. Otherwise, I'm doing a suck-ass job at being a mother.

[Courtney]

Obviously this post has hit a raw nerve. But thank you for writing it. Because now I know Im not the only one; there are at least 20 other women who have felt the same way.

And in the end, we all have to remember that its our jobs to give our kids something to whinge and whine about to the therapist when they're older...

[Sheri]

It is nice to know that other women feel the same way I do at times. Thank you for having the guts to say what you are feeling.

[mrs.chicken]

Each morning is a new slate.

That slate might get dirty, but for a few minutes every day it is shiny and clean.

I am right beside you, feeling all the same feelings.

Love to you.

[kris]

This post brought me to tears. What a sweet baby-girl.

[allie]

The bad part is when you remember those times all you will remember is you yelling and losing it. She may remember the fun things but your memories will be tainted. I have been there and visit there all too often. I wish I had an answer to change it.

[Amber Mc]

I have one 5 month old that only cries when he's tired or hungry. I know that I am super lucky. I'm just waiting for the other toddler shoe to drop.
Thanks for this!

[Midwest Mom]

I think you are phenomenally brave to put this 'out there'. It's a scenario so many of us have lived out, and none of us are proud of.

Exhaustion is one of the toughest parts of motherhood, when the relentless expectations can drain you beyond empty and anger is the only thing you have left.

Be well. Today will be a better day.

- Julia

[Angela]

There's so much about that first year with a baby that I hope the older one can forget. Just the lack of sleep alone shortens my fuse considerably. You've got an amazing daughter. I know it's the balloons she'll remember. Or the bubbles. Madeleine's still talking about the bubbles.

[Jilse]

I've been there. I only had two, but my youngest had really bad reflux and she wouldn't sleep for days at a time. I was at my wits end, sleep deprived, and alone for most of the day with my two girls. And I lost it more than once with my eldest daughter. I can remember feeling like the worst mother on earth afterwards. But you know what? It got better and both of my kids love me more than anything despite my faults as a Mother to them. And yours will to. Hang in there.

[Dana]

I cannot tell you how often I've felt like this, and I only have one child...so that sort of scares me.

But it's nice to know that I'm not alone....and that perhaps motherhood is universal...we all go through the same things at different points.

[Jill]

This is why I love blogging. You never feel like you're the only one who's ever lost her shit on her kids. I have been here, so many times, and I only have two kids. It's so hard and so frustrating and so thankless so much of the time. Thank you for sharing. I hope it helps you as much as it helps the people who read you (or at least me).

[Mark]

As a son of career Army officer, who spent two one year tours in Vietnam, I can still remember those moments of anger that overcame my mother raising myself and two younger sisters alone during those prolonged absences.

Do I hate my Dad for being gone so much, No. Do I hate my Mom for those blowups and flashpoints, No.

I wouldn't trade my past and upbringing for anything in the world because they were the best parents I could ever have been given.

[Christie Rasberry]

You have hit the nail on the head with this post...all moms have felt this way! Hang in there!

[Jane]

I don't know how you do all that you do. But I do know that you absolutely, positively MUST find some help. There are a lot of sites out there that will let you search for sitters that are background checked, but you REALLY REALLY need to have some time for yourself, that you can count on, and look forward to. You know that in a year, heck, even six months, things will be a little easier, but you can't become a martyr for your kids. You are doing a great job, but you are human, and we ALL need a break here and there.
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences.

[Robin]

My kids are teenagers now but I can relate and remember those times when I did the exact same thing. My heart hurts for what you felt afterwards. We love our kids so much but we forget, to be good moms we need time to ourselves, it makes us better moms. Thank you for sharing!

[Amy]

It is SO hard. I threw a plastic thermometer across the room last week because my oldest wouldn't stop clicking it up and down (like a retractable pen) over and over and over and OVER and OVER and OVER and I was being driven insane.

I feel you.

I think you need to figure out, not just for yourself but for your kids, a way that you can take a regular break. There has to be a college student in your area who needs a couple extra bucks a week to watch your kids so you can get out. Or find another mom with 3 kids and trade with her.

Hang in there,
Amy

[MommyNamedApril]

Thanks for being the voice that so many of us don't have or can't find.

[Cali]

i know it can be really hard. i'm a single mom of 2, i understand what you are going through. this may not be an option for you, but have you considered getting a sitter for a few hours one day a week? 'me time' is really important to have, and it sounds like you don't have enough of it.

[Candace]

I don't have three kids and my husband isn't off to train for a war but I have a 4 month old who doesn't sleep and a husband who doesn't help much and keeps asking me for our old life back. It is hard to remember why I wanted to have a kid sometimes and when the demands to be "me again" arise I can't help but resent my decision. I love her more than words can express but it is hard doing this mom thing and I respect your honesty.

[Country-Fried Mama]

Oh, I have had these moments. It's the worst feeling, but I am soothed a bit to know I am not the only one.

[Nicole]

Thank you!

[Fairly Odd Mother]

I've been there. So hard not to let the frustration bubble up and over. Q is a wise little girl.

[Beth]

This time does suck for you. But I cannot tell you enough how much your words help other mothers - it is our reality, the tough days, weeks, months, that we lock in our head and heart to scared and ashamed to share. The fact that you do share makes it much easier to know that we aren't crazy, we aren't alone, and that's it's going to be OK.xo

[Nadine]

It can be very busy with children. How very sweet of her to ask ""It's hard being one person taking care of three kids, isn't it Mommy?" very considerate! You've got quite a little girl there.

[Pia]

My husband was gone for 3 months last winter, I had to deal with Christmas along with a New England winter all by myself - with a 1 yo and a 5 yo. It wasn't fun. I remember screaming at my 5 yo as if he should be old enough to help me with all the chores associated with a mom who works full time, takes care of the house, kids and 2 large dogs. I remember his shocked face as he started to cry and I said to him - "Sometimes you have to stop Mommy. Tell me - Remember, I'm just a kid, Mom." And he does. Still. When I get worked up from trying to do everything (because my husband won't clean, or do any chores) and I'm frustrated and start to raise my voice, Billy says, Mom, I'm just a kid. And I stop, and realize, 'yes, you are' and I'm glad he understands that I get frustrated, but those words stop me from having those moments when we both sit and cry. I think all mom's have been there. I'm sure my mom was there too, but, you know, I don't remember it. I remember the bubbles and balloons instead. And so will your kids!