Motherhood Uncensored

You'll shoot your eye out.

While I was away last week, my in-laws came down to watch the kids and brought with them a bevvy of gifts, including the mother lode of shitty candy, a couple of porcelain ballerina dolls for Quinlan and a Mac truck for Drew, all of which they'd sleep with if we'd let them. 

And a gun.

Okay, so it was a springloaded, foam rocket shooting gun. But still. For all intents and purposes, it's a gun.

Now I'm not completely averse to all things that shoot. Just ask my husband. (heh).

But when it comes to guns and kids, regardless of whether they're full of water, foam, or whatever else they make these days, I'm just not down with it.

Granted, my kids have stolen a teeny mini water gun from our neighborhood pool that ended up in our bathtub that ended up shooting me in the eye with water that ended up in the trash.

And I bought them animal shaped squirters on clearance from Babies R Us. Maybe I'm in denial by calling them "squirters" when they're really just guns dressed up like drunk farm animals, but since I'm really the only one who can squirt them and they have cross eyes for God sakes, I have deemed them "bath toys" and gone on my merry way.

But when I innocently loaded up this rocket gun and stupidly let my son shoot it, I was pissed. Not only because the thing took all my energy to load, but because when he shot it, the damn rocket made a mark on my ceiling.

I can only imagine how that thing would feel had it hit my thigh, or Margot's head.

So when Drew wasn't looking, I snatched up his little rocket gun, mumbled something about "fucking guns your in-laws damnit stupid ass toys" to my husband, and tossed it right in the trash.

Because guess what? In my house, there is no 2nd amendment, thank you very much.

[I realize some of you are having issues leaving comments. Please email me and I'm happy to post them. Sorry!]

Mommy's New "Stamper"

 

 

 

Any guesses as to what it is and what it means? If it helps, you're looking at it upside down.

Repetition is the key to every mother's insanity

I was prepared for the hemorrhoids, even though no one warned me. And then the temper tantrums, mostly because everyone told me about those.

But I can honestly say I was not ready to have to answer the same question 40 times in one hour and not completely lose my shit.

And if it's not that, it's repeating something over and over until I acknowledge. Except "yes" doesn't cut it and "uh-huh" just seems to make him say it more.

Quinlan never did much of this when she was younger. She created her own rituals of mastery, but they never really involved driving me completely insane.

But Drew has all the fairly typical toddler behaviors, like requesting the same fucking song over and over again, particularly at bedtime, and asking the same question (which always has the same answer) until I threaten to put him in his crib if he asks me again.

That's almost as bad as being asked a question to which he already knows the answer because I've told him every single night in a row.

"What's he do?" he says, pointing at the garbage truck. "Same thing as last night [and every night for the last oh 48 days and counting]," I reply. "He empties the trash."

And God Almighty do not watch a movie with him, say "Kung-fu Panda," because he will ask you where that damn Kung-fu Panda is the second he leaves the screen to use the potty or take a nap.

I know he's not doing that but it's the only thing that seems to ease his mind.

At some level, my daughter didn't have to do much repeating because she was the only one I was tending to at the time. Now I've got a couple of other mouths to feed and answer, so it takes me a few more seconds to get the milk down his gullet and reply to his questions about tow trucks and big rigs.

But regardless of how fast I move, I'm just never fast enough, and like a little jack hammer, pounding the concrete until it breaks apart, he reminds me that he needs more grapes and juice and "snacks mama, more snacks mama."

Thankfully, I discovered the switch that usually works to turn him off.

"I don't know, kid. Go ask your father."

If I'm gonna go nuts thanks to this parenting gig, you better bet I'm taking him down with me.

[I'm giving away a MilkBank breastmilk storage and bottle system - even if you don't breastfeed, it's worth checking out]

Drew - The Open Mouth Series

[Fake toddler surprise 1]



[Look at my teeth 1]



[Look at my teeth 2]

[Gargle 1]

 

[Home Alone 1]

Denny's kicks out nursing mom in North Carolina - Get ur bewbies out of mah gravy, bitch!

I can understand that the sight of a boob while you're enjoying your 99 cent breakfast might be less than appetizing. You worked hard for that sunny side up egg with a side of cheesy grits and ham hock, and you don't want some old dirty boobie to spoil it.

But shit, who, other than college students and desperate travelers, eats at Denny's anyway? Since when did people with no teeth get upset about seeing a boob?

Okay, so maybe they have teeth. But still.

I guess I really shouldn't be surprised that it was the after-church group who were offended by the boobs. The devil hates on boobs. BOOBS ARE SINNERS. Thou shalt not expose part of your boob to feed your child.

Go forth to the dirty ass restroom that some trucker just took a shit in and feed your kid in there YOU DIRTY WHORE!

In all honesty, I can appreciate the annoyance at seeing a boob (OMG A BOOB) while eating your biscuits and gravy, but it's not like she's flapping it around right in your face. Once the baby latches on, all you see is the actual breast and not the terrible, horrible, no good VERY BAD nipple.

And actually, North Carolina law protects breastfeeding mothers who even have their big bad brown nipples hanging out.

So there.

I know, I know. You've seen the wretchedly exposed breast of a nursing mom and you were offended. Your eyes were bleeding. Seriously? Enough to make you get up and leave a restaurant (and calling Denny's a restaurant is being mighty generous)?

I've sat through stinky ass farts, some dude's ass crack hanging out, and a kid with a gigantic booger hanging out of his nose. I don't see them getting sent to the restroom.

The only time you'll see my nipple (in case you're looking), is when I'm trying to attach the baby. Once that happens, all you see is her head.

So when it comes down to it, I think people are actually offended by the act of feeding a baby from the breast and just use the boob as an excuse. We're only annoyed with boobs when they're not doing what they've been told to do for way too many years - sit nicely in a push-up bra or pleasure our husband in the privacy of our own bedrooms.

So please don't tell me that it's the "exposed breasts" that bother you. Because when it comes down it, you've just never really seen them do what they were made for in the first place.

[Thanks for the tip, Jessica. Full story and video here]