The Closer

The bellow of Johnny Cash's voice barely masking high squeals of my dentist's drill was rudely interrupted by my husband's two desperate text messages.

"When are you coming home?"

"Are you almost done?"

I'm hardpressed to go anywhere alone these days, even the damn dentist, without at least one desperate phone call, kids screaming in the background, his voice broken from the bouncing of the unhappy baby who refuses to take a bottle.

You'd think I'd left him alone in the desert with a house full of kids for an entire week without running water.

I'd been gone just over an hour and a half.

I feel like Oprah in the Color Purple, just released from prison and on her way to see her family for the first time in years, only to get begged back into the car by her mistress because she can't drive herself alone.

I get angry. Then complacent.

I don't know what to do and she won't take a bottle and I have to run after Drew and she's just so uncomfortable and bla bla bla bla bla so can you please hurry home. Don't make any stops, okay?

This time he greeted me at the door with the baby asleep in the sling and my son happily eating Cheerios at the table.

"Well she wouldn't stop crying and she wouldn't take a bottle so I just stuck her in here and bounced her until she fell asleep."

Cue the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Funny. That's what I do every day.

Funny. It took me not being there for him to finally figure it out.

With everything that our spouses do and mine does a lot, I can't help but think that moms are always on duty. And if we're not, then we're still the closers - the pitchers who are brought in to win the game because the other ones are tired, or they can't take it all the way to the end.

If I make dinner, he'll clean up most of the dishes, but you can bet I'm still washing a few missed dishes or putting away the leftovers. If he's taking the kids out, I'm packing the diaper bag and getting them dressed.

If he gives the baby a bath, then I still need to come and put her to bed, but not after hearing every little detail about how she's tired and screaming and needs me OH GOD SHE'S REALLY HUNGRY CAN YOU GET DOWN HERE PLEASE??????????

I'm dependable. I'm competent.

And I'm pretty fucking tired of pitching every single game.

I know that it will all even out, and soon enough there will be no babies left in our house. But I wish that there was a way to disappear more often. Or at least have someone finish the game for me every now and again.

Comments

[Heather]

Mine left without shoveling today and ever play -drag three kids out in the cold to shovel? Thankfully the boy napped, but it is the little things, the going the extra step that would make all the difference. LOL about MB's comment about the Barbie Mariposa--that about sums it up.

[Heather G]

I'm right there with you. Don't get me wrong, my husband is a wonderful father and helps out so much. But like you said he takes them out but I get the diaper bag and kids ready. He cleans up and then I do. Do I have such high standards? I don't think so!! I'm thankful for all he does, just wish I didn't feel like he expected a thank you every time he is alone with the kids for a few hours.

[Amanda]

I began feeling the same way after our 2nd son was born. He did NOT want his dad AT ALL for the first 6-9 months of his life. I couldn't even hand him off to go pee without the kid screaming his head off, and he was bottle fed.

Then I just gave my husband a reminder from our first child. After our first i got the "But I don't know what to do, you're the one home with him all day." Like someone slipped me a secret manual. This was before cell phones, but I'd go to the grocery store for 4 hours. He figured it out. I've started doing it again. Once about every other week I disappear to the grocery store for no less than 2 hours and he knows not to call unless he's truly and honestly desperate. Another thing I do is give DH advance warning that I need a total break and take the day off. You need juice? That's great Honey, but Mommy's off duty today, you need to go ask Daddy. That way the kids learn they have 2 parents. My 7yo seems to forget they have a capable Dad sometimes. The 2yo will get it eventually. I cut him a little slack for now.

[Amy]

Oh my God, I so hear you.

Our marriage was very 50/50 before we had kids, and now it's very not, and it drives me insane.

I hear it gets better...

Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

[Erin]

Oh my god! Did you climb inside my head?!?!

[Motherhood Uncensored]

@sheri - No shooting here. My husband vacuums twice a day. But then leaves all his clothes strewn about our bedroom.

I feel like I always have to have my hand in something. Aside from the lawn care (which he solely does) and his job, there's nothing that I'm not somewhat involved in.

[Shannon]

Preachin' to the choir, sister!

[Sheri]

Please don't shoot me, but I have one of those who tends to really really help with the kids. He's better at cleaning up ummm puke than I am, he always has them dressed and ready.....

But, and there's always a but, he sucks at doing stuff around the house. He doesn't like and almost refuses to do lawn stuff, doesn't take out trash, his idea of cleaning up after the kids would be taking everything and throwing it in one bin etc.....and that drives.me.nuts.

I think I would go over the edge if he couldn't handle the kids too.

[MaggieO]

Amen, sister.

[The Mother]

We have competenced ourselves into a corner. We can do anything/everything, and our husbands expect that we will.

Your hope that this gets better as the kids get older is unfounded, however. I once left my husband alone for a week with teenagers (including a driver!) and he still decompensated.

There's just something in that Y chromosome.

[mannequin]

heh. That's funny. I just wrote about the same thing the other day (of course, in a much less eloquent way). The big facade of freedom. Freedom to going to the grocery store without a call for help. "Where have you been, it's been almost an hour." "When are we having dinner?" and so on.
It doesn't change, only circumstances change. You DID sign up for life, right?

[Glamour Girl]

We have lived the same life. My mistake was giving in. I decided (stupid, stupid, stupid) at some point to just not leave the house. It wasn't 'worth it' to me for all the misery I would go through. So I canceled my dr appts and hunkered down for the next couple of years (I thought). That is when I almost went insane with total resentment. Not only was I tired and totally overworked, no one even bothered to shake my hand. Pat me on the back. Nothing. So then the pendulum swung. And it swung HARD in 2008. I became a whirlwind. EVERYTHING was about me since I had spent 2005-2007 'in the house' with on very difficult child and a newborn who wouldn't take a bottle. My ass of a husband even slept in a diffrent part of the house because we were up so much at night and after all, he "WORKED". Yep, you guessed it. He barely survived 2008.
We are on relatively even ground now through tons of fighting and therapy. Is it worth it? I don't know yet. I'm still in the forest but time will tell. In the meantime it is all about survival.

[Angela]

Wow. You just described my life. And I hate how he feels like I should be so grateful for a few hours off, when he doesn't realize that I'm scurrying around for several hours readying things for my departure. Don't even get me started on how long it takes me to clean the mess that results from me being gone for a while. Because it must be damn near impossible to take care of the kids and, you know, put a dish in the dishwasher. Or maybe pick a toy up. Funny how I manage to do it every day, and I even cook dinner.

Thanks, I feel a little better.

[Corey]

yes. and the assumption is that I am always on duty, that I always have the kids, weekend or no. so that I feel like I have to ask him to "watch the kids" while I run to the store alone.. yet he never has to ask me to "watch the kids" because I always am. I'm not bitter about it, (but like you, TIRED sometimes) it's just the way it is.

[ceemee]

A day off for moms really isn't a whole "day" off, we still have to be there at night to put the children to sleep while hubby is already snoring in the background. It's not just a day job, but a day and night job. A job that we caould not quit.

[Rachel]

YES YES YES! I think most (all?) moms feel the same way - especially when we are nursing. I remember my husband always thought the baby was hungry - sometimes they just cry, they are not always hungry! You are not alone - and it will get easier I promise. (my 3 kids are just a bit older than yours - 5, 4 and 16 months). Now it's difficult in a different way b/c the baby is now a toddler and into EVERYTHING. Look on the bright side - at least she isn't mobile yet! I've discovered that the only way for me to get time to myself to work out, I have to get up at 5:15 (yes, that's 5:15am - much easier now that the baby sleeps thru the night). That gives me a few minutes on the computer and 45 minutes on the treadmill to keep my sanity. That's where I'm headed now. Just know you are definitely not alone.

[marybeth]

amen!!! Even when mom's get a few hours away, we're always"on-call". I can't even imagine what my hubbie's response would be if I called him during his golf game to ask him where Barbie Mariposa was!