The Closer

The bellow of Johnny Cash's voice barely masking high squeals of my dentist's drill was rudely interrupted by my husband's two desperate text messages.

"When are you coming home?"

"Are you almost done?"

I'm hardpressed to go anywhere alone these days, even the damn dentist, without at least one desperate phone call, kids screaming in the background, his voice broken from the bouncing of the unhappy baby who refuses to take a bottle.

You'd think I'd left him alone in the desert with a house full of kids for an entire week without running water.

I'd been gone just over an hour and a half.

I feel like Oprah in the Color Purple, just released from prison and on her way to see her family for the first time in years, only to get begged back into the car by her mistress because she can't drive herself alone.

I get angry. Then complacent.

I don't know what to do and she won't take a bottle and I have to run after Drew and she's just so uncomfortable and bla bla bla bla bla so can you please hurry home. Don't make any stops, okay?

This time he greeted me at the door with the baby asleep in the sling and my son happily eating Cheerios at the table.

"Well she wouldn't stop crying and she wouldn't take a bottle so I just stuck her in here and bounced her until she fell asleep."

Cue the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Funny. That's what I do every day.

Funny. It took me not being there for him to finally figure it out.

With everything that our spouses do and mine does a lot, I can't help but think that moms are always on duty. And if we're not, then we're still the closers - the pitchers who are brought in to win the game because the other ones are tired, or they can't take it all the way to the end.

If I make dinner, he'll clean up most of the dishes, but you can bet I'm still washing a few missed dishes or putting away the leftovers. If he's taking the kids out, I'm packing the diaper bag and getting them dressed.

If he gives the baby a bath, then I still need to come and put her to bed, but not after hearing every little detail about how she's tired and screaming and needs me OH GOD SHE'S REALLY HUNGRY CAN YOU GET DOWN HERE PLEASE??????????

I'm dependable. I'm competent.

And I'm pretty fucking tired of pitching every single game.

I know that it will all even out, and soon enough there will be no babies left in our house. But I wish that there was a way to disappear more often. Or at least have someone finish the game for me every now and again.

Comments

[Victoria]

This is the FIRST time I have ever seen someone put into words the way that I feel maybe like 98% of the time... Good God it feels good to know I am not an evil witch because I feel like 5 seconds to myself is too much to ask... This is the first I have found your blog and I am in heaven!!! Thank you for being so honest and real, it is a relief...

[Betsy]

I completely relate to your rant. I have 2 yr old and a 3 month old who are great but keep you on your toes. My husband is a wonderful Dad but he can't seem to manage the kids on his own for long without getting overwhelmed. It feels like there is an assumption or expectation that I have some super powers that make it easy for me to do it all. I wish! :)

[Erin]

This is just another sappy thank you for writing this. I actually started to cry because I've been so overwhelmed lately. This described perfectly how I feel. I try not to be resentful, but I have been attached to my boy for two years. I AM SO TIRED. Everybody is always saying...you need to take care of yourself. I want to ask them "HOW?" I don't know anybody but my husband, and as described above, it doesn't exactly work our for me when I do try to take some time. Anyway, this was a great post that came at a much needed time.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

@beth -- you're not a slacker -- laid back is great and w/ 3 under 3 you'd probably kill yourself if you were type AAA mama.

But you're right - just because you don't jump and run to your kids at the first cry doesn't make you a slacker, but the way things go these days, it might be portrayed as such.

Even though, I'm guessing on even your worst days, that's a lot of dads' BEST.

[Christine]

I loved this post!! Truly what I am going through and have been going through for the last six years. I sometimes really dislike having to pitch every game as well. I try to escape as often as I can to stay sane!

[beth]

Kristen, I'm sorry this sucks! This I feel is the the painful part of having kids ie. no down time, exhaustion, loneliness.

Your response to @winner at the very top really struck a chord with me. I often feel like a slacker mom b/c I'm "handling" my kids versus what I see a lot of moms do which is jumping up constantly if the kids need their noses wiped or the got their clothes dirty, etc. etc. I don't jump up immediately to most things with them quickly I am not a quick reactor unless they are in trouble or pain and b/c of that I struggle internally with the fact that perhaps I'm a slacker mom. But I'm not and I know this. I know I just do things differently and I'm laid back about a lot of things when it comes to my kids. I need to shut up now and maybe consider writing a post on this topic on my own blog.
At any rate, I have 3 under 3 and I can relate to a lot of what you share, hang in there momma and if you ever need to vent, well you know besides on the blog...feel free to email me!
Take Care!

[Motherhood Uncensored]

@winner - that's great. but i'm guessing your wife does WAY better than fine with your kids.

Why celebrate when guys can just "handle" it? When moms just "handle" we judge them as slackers.

[winner]

well written and funny. Have you considered the fact that you married an inconsiderate loser? I do just fine with my kids when my wife is not around. I am pretty well tired of women blogging about their incompetent husbands. you may be supermoms but you sure leave a lot to be desired when it comes to picking a mate.

[Kathy]

good study, but doesn't help

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/01/29/mad-at-dad/?hp

[TR from Experiencing Motherhood]

Love it!!! Such a great story and so true!

[Vicky @ Secret Mom Thoughts]

You said it perfectly. I'm sick of pitching every game too.

[MommyNamedApril]

I can remember SCREAMING at my husband on the other end of the cell phone from the freezer aisle of the grocery store when he called for the third time to tell me the baby was crying and hungry and to not take too long.

I got some seriously sideways glances but for fuck's sake I'M AT THE GROCERY STORE, NOT ON FUCKING VACATION. and then he gets mad when i come home without something he wanted.

one or the other fucker. i do a full grocery run, or i come home early. you decide.

[Last Mom Standing]

An aptly timed article in the NY Times titled "Are All Moms Mad at Dad?". No suggestion on how to remedy the problem but sometimes it's nice to know you're not alone.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/01/29/mad-at-dad/?partner=rss&emc=rss

[fidget]

The hubster has been FORCED to play house marm for the last week due to my unfortunate slice and dice session at the hossy. After the first 2 days he went out and bought a HUGE bottle of vodka and walked around muttering about never getting caught up. I'm hoping he's become at least minutely more understanding about why i NEED to leave the house alone on occasion and not get those kinds of frantic "i'm incompetent" phone calls.

[Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting]

I so feel you. In fact, I'm practically in tears as we speak, having to put our 2 year old to bed, trying to finish up writing was I writing, only to find our 4 month old is not going to sleep for him, and will probably need my 'closing' skills. Seriously, so fried.

And Razzle can bite me.

[bridge]

one of my least favorite parts of early parenthood. he was actually crying one night after being alone with the screaming baby for an hour.

[Mom101]

PS Razzle, be a little more of an anonymous douche will you? It really adds to the level of discourse here.

[Mom101]

"Moms are always on duty. And if we're not, then we're still the closers."

You are so brilliant. If a little abused. And tired.

(And also cute.)

A lot of men rise to their own level of incompetence if given the chance. Otherwise, they really can rock the parenting.

[Marie]

You have to check this show out at http://www.cbc.ca/thewomenwent/about.php
It's about what happens to a small town when the women went away, kind of a reality show style.
I can totally relate to your feelings, I still feel stressed about having to 'get home' and my kids are 2.5 and 4.5. I love my husband but he can't cope as well. he asks, what am I going to do with them all day?
I still love being the mom!

[Janet]

I was perpetually annoyed with my husband when we had newborns in the house. It was bad with the first and it got progressively worse with each child. Now that the kids are 9, 7 and 3, I'm seeing his inherent charm again. He is great with older kids. With nursing little babies? Not so much.

[mamatulip]

I've always been grateful that my huz doesn't usually make those frantic calls to me when I'm out - I hear about it in song and verse when I get home, but most of the time, when I'm out he leaves me be (though there have been a few times where he's called me just GROWLING). But I TOTALLY hear you on the Closer bit. Totally. I, too, am The Closer.

[Brad]

Hey - don't tease me like that!

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Totally understood, Melanie! I appreciate your perspective. Always.

[Kristin]

Holy Cow. Glad I'm not the only one who feels that way.

[Anissa@hope4peyton]

I remember stamping in to my husband and having a complete meltdown about an article I read that said some huge percentage of men use the "I don't know what I'm doing, you do it so much better, if I do it wrong I know you'll stop asking me to do it" routine to get out of things they either are uncomfortable with or just plain don't want to do.

PISSED me right off. So I threw it at him and lost my shit right then and there.

It got better...then it got worse...and better again...and it's a never-ending struggle to find the balance.

My hardest thing is that you can't call it babysitting when it's your own kid, damnit.

[Melanie]

By the way, I very much didn't mean anything nasty by saying that you probably don't want solutions :) What I meant was that I know that sometimes it's great to just vent, and someone saying, "Why don't ya just ..." kinda ruins the experience.

[Amanda]

Razzle doesn't get it so he/she/him/her/it either doesn't have kids, or has a husband who doesn't pull his weight at all. You can love your spouse and think they're a great parent, and still resent the fact that after 2 kids and 7 years at this gig you're the only one who seems to have this magic ability to get all the supplies ready for bedtime while your husband puts the kids to bed so you can relax. Do you not see the irony in that?

[Motherhood Uncensored]

@Melanie - Solutions are great. And seriously, the husband does a lot. A LOT.

I'm not sure there is a solution other than to suck it up.

And yes, I think there's always perspective to be had. But nothing wrong with venting and then worrying about the starving children.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Blow jobs for BRAD. WOOOO!

[Brad]

I love reading this blog cuz you're so funny, and beautiful and all that. And because I survived (a long time ago) what you're going through, but from the other side.

But mostly I love to read it because it cements for me that I really am the GREATEST F*CKING FATHER AND HUSBAND...EVER! Now if i could just convince my wife of that...

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Haha Marty. I haven't written a good song in ages either.

Not enough angst.

Even with my terrible horrible useless husband.

Heh.

[MamaKaren]

Amen. My husband and I became parents at exactly the same moment. Knowing how to care for our children (what calms them when they have nightmares, what to pack in their lunches, what to pack in the suitcase for the sleepover at Gramma's house) doesn't come from maternal instinct- it comes from having to face the situations and figuring it out. Hubby knows the kids, he knows that they eat and what they wear, yet when I have to leave town for work I still have to leave him detailed instructions about how to get them through the day. I've never called him when he's getting a haircut or having a crown replaced or watching a football game with his brother to ask how to be a parent, why is the reverse not true?

[Must Be Motherhood]

I find devilish enjoyment in the fact that my husband now has toddler-bedtime duty since I'm with the baby 24/7. Some nights he's all pissy: "I'm just so sick of the same exact thing every night!"
Ya think? Ya THINK?

[Melanie]

I've been a little torn on how to respond here. Writing "Hey, at least you have a loving husband you can trust alone with the kids, a phone call isn't that bad," which is my honest initial response, isn't fair. It's something along the lines of starving kids in Africa. I get it - I do. And I understand the frustration that you can't have time off, believe me I do. You probably don't want solutions ... but I have to. When you go out without the kids, leave your cell phone at home. Or be passive aggressive and for one day call him at work every 48 minutes (so it's not predictable) to inform him that the baby is screaming or the older two are fighting. Then ask him if he got the hint :)

[Tracy]

Yes, Yes, Yes!

[marty]

Kristen, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong please.

It's cathartic to write it all out, and it's empowering to find that other people feel exactly the same way you do.

It's your space, your words, your feelings. Having a vacation doesn't mean you can't come home to something that sucks. I'm confused by that logic.

Besides, I haven't written a decent song ever since my life stopped sucking ass. People don't want to hear me sing about how fantastic my child is and how my husband can make me orgasm in about 30 seconds flat unless I want it to last for hours. They just don't.

I wouldn't keep coming back here if you were blowing sunshine up my ass all the time.

[Kendra]

I dont mind the frantic phone calls...but I get your drift, they are AGGRAVATING when he knows its petty and IM AT THE DENTIST!

[Issa]

Rizzle, seriously maybe you should re-read the post and if you still don't get it, maybe you should just stop reading here. I will never understand why people will continue reading and leaving hateful comments if they think someone is so horrible. Just hit the little red box at the top. Or for kicks, you could leave us the link to your blog, so we can all come over and tell you what a lovely person you are.

Moms in generally are never off duty. Never. Which is what the point was. It's just what we do. It's our job. We gave birth to them, they are ours for life. You will never, ever hear a woman say that she was baby-sitting her kids, yet it is said about dads all the dam time. I have a great husband, I truly do...but I'm still the closer. Always and forever. They want me when they are sick; when the baby is screaming, he is always given back too me. No matter how tired, sick or pissed off we may be in the moment, we are still expected to drop everything for our kids. And we do it. But there is no law saying we can't occasionally complain about it.

[Backpacking Dad]

Razzle:

Let me get this straight. You just popped onto this site using a computer and some leisure time while there are kids starving in Africa and kids without internet access in Tobago and you derived such little pleasure from the magic that is technology and privilege that your first inclination is to start whining about what this part of the magic Internet isn't doing. Any chance that you could try and examine your life for something that is good and focus on that rather than the non-stop complaining?

Irony. U haz it all over you.

[crunchy]

My beef is that although I rarely leave the house alone..ever...when I do I usually come home to hostility..because it is hard or something...

Basically I can't bitch but he can...

Ah well..

And yes..great father/husband..but still after 6 plus years hasn't figured out how long it takes us to get out the door and help would be appreciated

[Her Bad Mother]

THIS IS MY LIFE.

That is all.

[Undomestic Diva]

We have the same husband.

[Razzle]

Let me get this straight. You just returned from a week long vacation in the sun while everyone else was freezing their asses off and you derived such little pleasure from that time with your husband that your first inclination is to start whining about what he isn't doing. Any chance that you could try and examine your life for something that is good and focus on that rather than the non-stop complaining?

[Binkytown]

Absolutely. I keep thinking when these kids are 12 I'm going to be sitting around eating bon bons and reading trashy magazines while they crawl all over dad. It just has to be that way.

[Stephanei]

Oh how very true.... excellent post!

[Kristi]

SO TRUE. What a great way of describing the feelings I've been having. I've never heard anyone say a Mom is "helping", yet that's always used to describe Dad.

[Carmen]

Wow, it's amazing how a person I've never met can express the EXACT thoughts that I think almost every darn day.

[brodyjen]

Holy cow. Yes, there are times when I feel like I do *everything* (and years when he was working so much that I was like a single parent) but when my DH is home, he is *home* and he is a *parent*. If you let them call you when you're out (for less than a real emergency) and buy into the whole "I don't know what I'm doing" business, it will only get worse. Don't fall for it.

[mrs.chicken]

Oh GOD, yes.

[FishyGirl]

Brava, sister.

[Kelly]

AMEN SISTER!!! Preachin to the choir here!

[Jana]

Your post makes me reflect on how I should do more! Ladies, believe it or not I have super husband, who knows exactly what to do with the baby. He cooks, cleans and does laundry. He's the best!! Really, I'm not kidding!

[alicia]

Totally.

OMG, *totally*.

[mothergoosemouse]

This is why I got so pissed at all the grumpy comments from dads - even the dads who totally rock - on my post about mothers. Because even when they do a ton - and Kyle's one of those rare breeds - we're still the closers (or batting cleanup).

[Mel]

Oh man. I feel exactly this same way. And I only have one kid so far, with a husband who isn't gone all the time.

I was the stay-at-home parent for the first nine months, and every day he wanted to know why I hadn't done all the dishes/laundry/cleaning/grocery shopping/phone calls to set up doctor's appointments. Etc.

Then I went back to work, and he was the stay-at-home-parent and a student. And suddenly, the baby was at _my_ parents' house all day every day while I was gone so he "could get a fucking break and get some real work done".

He cooks the majority of our meals, but refuses to do dishes, cleaning, laundry (unless I don't get his done for 2 weeks in protest), or bedtime. He doesn't do bathtime anymore now that he's student teaching. And he refuses to clean the cat's litterbox anymore because he had to do it while I was pregnant and breastfeeding.

Today I had to work despite the treacherous roads - a Level 2 snow emergency. I had a 2-hour delay, but his school was closed. So he kept the baby home, right? Wrong-o. Baby came to daycare with me.

The kicker? He thinks he's educated on sexism and gender roles. Clearly he has no idea.

[Monica]

I left town for 36 hours this week and it required 3 babysitters. He's leaving Sunday for 9 days and I'm doing it all with no help. Funny how that works.

[katie]

Oh, a wicked suggestion. I dare you to go out of the house and "forget" your phone. Odds are small there will be an actual emergency. Try it, but it will work only once or twice before he runs down the street with your phone after you leave!

[katie]

It will never even out! Great post, so very, very true.

[Megan]

What timing with the topic of this post! Tonight I was walking up the stairs to help my husband put our 16 month old to bed and he asks me what we should do first. She is 16 MONTHS OLD...he has done this practically every night of her life and he doesn't know what to do?!? I told him that he was an intelligent man and could make that decision himself. I mean, SERIOUSLY??!?

[Chicky Chicky Baby]

You just described my week and it's only Wednesday.

Yeah.

[Mama to Hapa]

Sing it sister! Why do I have to be the backstop for stupidity? So tired of being the last competent (wo)man standing!

[tracey]

(raises her glass of invisible wine in agreement...)

[Christina]

I guess the old saying "A woman's work is never done" didn't come about for no reason. Clearly the person who first said it was a mom.

[Sharon]

Thank you for articulating what goes thru my head almost every day. I love my hubby - he is a wonderful father and extremely helpful but there is always a but. I know it was my choice to work from home/be a stay at home mom yet it never ceases to amaze me how I need to ask if it's ok for me to go for a RARE pedi or haircut or girls night yet he just announces he's stopping at the gym on the way home from work or going to happy hour with the guys. The baby is his kid too, it's not babysitting, it's taking care of your own child. you don't get rewarded for taking care of your own kid while mommy goes out for a short bit to regain her sanity...

[the new girl]

I kept looking for the pictures of Kyra Sedgwick...

[Marina]

You know, I know.

And like others, my partner's pretty good about dealing with the baby. He does his fair share of diapers; showers with the baby every evening; and we even take it in turns to wake with the baby. But I still feel like I'm doing so much more - and it's because I am.

I'm the one who stresses out and researches weaning and what the baby can or can't eat; I'm the one who comes up with meal plans; who thinks about cutting hair and clipping toes; who tidies toys away four - or more - times a day; who hears the baby wake up four times a night and is the only one who can soothe him back to sleep; who throws out old clothes and buy new ones (that aren't NOVELTY, 'cause does a kid really need to be dressed as Santa all the way through April?); the list goes ever on.

When I think about this, I think "equal parenting? Yeah, right." And they never seem to understand this - the excuses range from "you carried him for 9 months, you know what he wants" (because, yeah, he used to whisper little hints to me in the womb: "when I pop out, if you rub my cheek while swinging me in shallow bouncing motions, I'll reach my hand up to your mouth to feel your teeth before contentedly zonking out"); to "it should be intuition!" (while I'm complaining because he can't stop the baby from crawling out the front door because he's too interested in his soaps/facebook/football/whatever and I'm trying to google "baby walk toes development problem".)

My 'job' (and yeah, he's called it that) never ends - evidenced by the fact that I read parenting blogs and blogs written by mothers in my "spare" time. At least he gets two days and evenings off each week.

[Not telling this time]

My husband just up and quit doing anything around the house when I found out I was pregnant. One of us did the laundry, the other did dishes, and I did the rest of it. And he just QUIT. I asked for help, blah blah blah. She was born, and he took breastfeeding like it was an excuse not to do anything. Now, kid is two, and he thinks that it is okay to just go to his mom's house so that I can catch a break, then spend no time with me all weekend while he plays some damn game.

She's two. She's needy, talky and really damned annoying sometimes. I get it, but you can figure it out. That's the thing that I don't think that he gets, that *I* just figure it out mostly, and run with what works. I didn't get a freaking manual either, butthead.

[Jenera]

So very true, every single word. I think that is why sometimes it is easier for me to just do it myself.

The only thing that makes up for it-a bit-is when I actually get a thank you from the hubby and he acknowledges all that I do.

[Lisa]

I couldn't have said it better. And with another on the way (due 03/31) I'm anticipating it only getting worse.

God bless us all....

Lisa

[Lasha]

Yes. Yes. Yes.

He is a great dad. BUT. If it's his night to do bath and bed, why am I running the bath and brushing her teeth and getting the towels . . .

But I am off to get a haircut tonight, so we'll see if they survive.

[Trenches of Mommyhood]

Thankfully, my Hubby is The Man. Then again, I'm gone 60 hours a week working, so he has NO CHOICE.

[Patricia]

So well said. I find I have such contradictory feelings about being the closer, from great pride and enjoyment to resentment and exhaustion. So complex, this mom stuff. Thanks for the post.

[Hattie]

Too freakin' funny. I went through the same thing this weekend. If (God forbid)anything ever happened to me, my husband would have to turn the boys over to his mother or find a replacement for me with the quickness. He would never be able to survive them alone!!!

[becky]

Damn Straight!

I feel your pain. I have left the house alone...wait for it....once in 2 months! My husband is currently deployed, but when he's home he needs to pick up the slack. Especially since he leaves every year for 4 months! He does alright, but if Im gone more than an hour, he's calling. I think he would go nucking futs if I left for a day.

[stephanie]

This post brought tears to my eyes.

[Carrie]

Awesome timing - I have only left the house 3 times in the last week and a half because of either sick kids (2.5 yr old and 7 mo old), a snow storm or both. I feel like I am going to lose my mind. All day long someone is touching me, needing me, "talking" to me. I just want to be left alone in a quiet place. I want to feel like I could leave the house without coming home to more of a mess or worrying the whole time about the baby that won't eat for him.

[Heather]

Amen.

[abbyjess]

Thank you for putting it into words. I feel this way all the time but didn't quite know how to explain it. You are dead on.

[The Other Dawn]

This is exactly how I feel, but to mention it is to invite yet ANOTHER fight in which he gets defensive and talks about how he "helps a lot."

Excuse me? I am not asking for your HELP. HELP implies that this is somehow MY job and you are doing me a FAVOR by participating as a parent. Is this similar to the "favor" you did me by knocking me up?

I am 32 weeks pregnant with #3, and HUGE. I can count on one hand the number of times my husband has ever bathed a child, and every one of those times I ASKED him to do it. He rolls his eyes and acts so put out when I do, I hardly ever ask any more. Last night, I said, "come on, kids, it's time to see if mommy's uterus falls out on the bathroom floor while bending over the side of the tub!"

And that f*cker did not even offer to bathe them.

I don't know how to make my husband understand what this feels like, that if I don't do something it doesn't get done. And that it shouldn't take ME to calm a crying child, me to bathe them, me to cook dinner, or me to read Green Eggs and Ham. He's 38 years old. Clearly he can take care of his own needs, so why can't he figure out those of a 2 year old?!?

[Sarah]

I feel like you were writing my life. Every time I leave the house, I'm not sure if it's my guilt or hubby's sudden uncertainty of what to do, how, where things are, etc. I was just commenting to him the other day that it's easier to have a job outside of the home than to stay home, because at least you can call in sick! Thanks for the rant... I needed to hear that someone else lives what I live.

mom2maddieandgracie.blogspot.com

[Janice]

Wow, that is EXACTLY my frustration. My husband is awesome, but he doesn't get it. He can be the best dad in the world, but he can never be a mom.

[Asianmommy]

Absolutely!

[Amber Mc]

Seriously... the baby will be quiet and I will put him in some contraption and descreetly tell my husband, "I'm going to go to the bathroom..."
He'll freak: "I'm in the middle of eating/cooking/watching grass grow!!"
I'll say, "He's contained and happy, just go to him if he cries..."
"BUT!"
I always end up saying, "Fine, I'll just shit my pants!" as I leave the room.
And he gets all pissed when I say he treats me like the "default parent"

[chivet]

I feel ya sister. When my maternity leave was over and in the two weeks between when my mom left and my sister came to relieve her, my husban had to pick up our son and watch him for two hours until I came home. Like clockwork, I would get a phone call and the voice on the other wend would say, "Gabriel is crying. What does he want? What do I do?"

What? I'm at work. 15 miles away. I can't see him. I can't see you. I have no f-ing clue.

At this point, two years later, whenever he complains or gets a you're-taking-too-long-and/or-the-kids-are-driving-me-crazy attitude, I give him two options: do what I'm doing and do it faster, or shut up.

If he doesn't get the hint, at least he shuts up.

[Elaine at Lipstickdaily]

Amen, honey. It's tough being the "happen-maker" 24/7!

[Lee-Ann]

Yes, this is the truth. I enjoy the 'power' I hold just by being the mom, and I also feel the knee buckling weight of it all. A complex role, eh? Being a mom.

[ImpostorMom]

I remember my husband saying to me one time "well, it's not like you're a mother 24-7." He said this because I work out of the home and my son goes to daycare. I realized right then and there that he just didn't get it and that there is something inherently different between men and women when they become parents. Women ARE mothers 24-7 but men have this ability to turn it off when they go out into the world. So yeah mom's are always on-duty. And sometimes I'm jealous of that ability to turn it off just a little.

[Wendy]

So true. I don't know how, having signed up to be a work-at-home-mom with a work-at-home-dad to share the parenting duties, I still find myself in the position you have described. When my daughter was born, I had expected that our supposed 50/50 arrangement would mean that we could take turns catching a break. But nay; it has been a combination of my playing catcher and closer, and, admittedly, my own guilt and anxiety that has relegated me to my current state of being always on duty. The thing that entirely burns me up, too, is that while my sacrifices are seen as a normal and generally unrecognized part of motherhood, the mere fact that my husband is more involved in parenting than the average man is regarded by many people (his mother, to be sure) as a feat worthy of the Noble Prize.

[Kari]

When my twins were babies, I couldn't even take a shower without my husband coming into the bathroom with a screaming baby, saying "he must be hungry, he won't stop crying." Never mind the fact that I had JUST finished nursing them right before stepping into the shower.

[Jen]

Here's the thing....sometimes it would be nice to not be NEEDED!!

For some reason my husband thinks I like being needed. And I do. I just don't want to be needed 24/7 for every damn little thing!

I need to be better about letting him do more, be responsible for more and let him screw it up.

They will eventually figure it out and the kids shouldn't need too much (more) therapy because of it:-)

[Lora]

You so perfectly captured how I have felt for my entire 7 years of mommyhood. Thanks!

[Backpacking Dad]

Hmm.

Just as I've feared. I'm not just a mommy blogger. I'm also a mom.

;}

[Jennifer]

What perfect timing for this post. I came home from my therapy appointment at 8:30 last night to find that not only were my children awake - Daddy had let them drink REGULAR coffee! You see why I need therapy?
I feel you, sisters.

[Jill]

I could have written this post myself (though not as well!). I feel like this every time I leave the house or everytime Hubbz is in charge of the kids. When I take the boys to school, I do everything. When he takes them, I do everythin but drive, including helping him get them in the car. We have two kids! One of who is 4 and able to get in the car and into his seat on his own. All Hubbz has to do is buckle him in. I just want to pull my hair out at his seeming inability to do anything with the kids on his own.

[Gretchen]

Amen, amen, amen. Thank you for putting my thoughts and days into words. Words that make me laugh at how ridiculous it all is sometimes.

[Awesome Mom]

My husband still manages to mes up the morning routine even though I have explained it to him a number of times. On the rare day that I get to sleep in I end up waking to crying kids. I just roll back over and plug my ears letting him deal with the consequences of him ignoring the routine.

I say turn your phone off and let him deal, that is the only way he will figure it out on his own.

[Lori]

We don't have kids yet but.... my husband is always asking me where such and such is. And we live in the same house he lived in single and this is his stuff he was asking about. One day I asked him how he found stuff before we were married. My sister piped up with "easier to ask you than to look for it". That pretty much sums it up.

[Dawn]

Amen to that! And I only have one baby. And seriously my husband is awesome but even on my night off I get called to duty. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom, but everyone needs a break every now and then

[PamS]

I hear ya! My husband is wonderful with our three kids and really does a lot. But you're right - mom is always the one to "tie everything into a pretty bow". I may leave early for work and he gets them ready and off to the bus and daycare, but I lay out the clothes for the 3 and 4 year old, get their coats, hats and mittens together and at the table, find their boots, etc. before I go. I do all the stuff that makes it crazy and hectic to get them out the door. I so remember the diaper bag thing - if I didn't pack it and remind him to take it, he would be somewhere without a spare diaper. Thought the first time would have taught him...

[Kristen]

These are the things that go untold to those women that do not have babies. I think it would change a woman's mind about child bearing to know the dirty ugly truth about raising children and marriage. God, I miss happy hour.