Motherhood Uncensored

I think this might just be better than Wii Fit

Girl will have some rock hard thighs after a few of these "exercises." 

[The link is not suitable for work unless you want to shoot soda through your nose and onto your computer. Just ask her.]

The Closer

The bellow of Johnny Cash's voice barely masking high squeals of my dentist's drill was rudely interrupted by my husband's two desperate text messages.

"When are you coming home?"

"Are you almost done?"

I'm hardpressed to go anywhere alone these days, even the damn dentist, without at least one desperate phone call, kids screaming in the background, his voice broken from the bouncing of the unhappy baby who refuses to take a bottle.

You'd think I'd left him alone in the desert with a house full of kids for an entire week without running water.

I'd been gone just over an hour and a half.

I feel like Oprah in the Color Purple, just released from prison and on her way to see her family for the first time in years, only to get begged back into the car by her mistress because she can't drive herself alone.

I get angry. Then complacent.

I don't know what to do and she won't take a bottle and I have to run after Drew and she's just so uncomfortable and bla bla bla bla bla so can you please hurry home. Don't make any stops, okay?

This time he greeted me at the door with the baby asleep in the sling and my son happily eating Cheerios at the table.

"Well she wouldn't stop crying and she wouldn't take a bottle so I just stuck her in here and bounced her until she fell asleep."

Cue the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Funny. That's what I do every day.

Funny. It took me not being there for him to finally figure it out.

With everything that our spouses do and mine does a lot, I can't help but think that moms are always on duty. And if we're not, then we're still the closers - the pitchers who are brought in to win the game because the other ones are tired, or they can't take it all the way to the end.

If I make dinner, he'll clean up most of the dishes, but you can bet I'm still washing a few missed dishes or putting away the leftovers. If he's taking the kids out, I'm packing the diaper bag and getting them dressed.

If he gives the baby a bath, then I still need to come and put her to bed, but not after hearing every little detail about how she's tired and screaming and needs me OH GOD SHE'S REALLY HUNGRY CAN YOU GET DOWN HERE PLEASE??????????

I'm dependable. I'm competent.

And I'm pretty fucking tired of pitching every single game.

I know that it will all even out, and soon enough there will be no babies left in our house. But I wish that there was a way to disappear more often. Or at least have someone finish the game for me every now and again.

How to "Vacation" With Three Kids Under 4 and Still Maintain Some Sanity and Most of Your Hair

When my husband's employer kindly handed him a week's worth of days off in a sort of "here are 7 random days in a row where we won't call you" way, we figured we should really try to go somewhere. You know, like other than to the damn pediatrician's office so they can tell me "it's just another virus, sorry Mrs. Chase."

So we decided to head South (or more South because damnit I forget I sort of am in the South) to where the weather was warm, the drinks were tasty, and the babysitters were a-plenty.

That's Azul Beach Hotel. Or Heaven.

I'm no traveling genius, mind you, although I've done my fair share of air travel alone and pregnant with both kids, which should make me eligible for some type of meaningful award, like "Mom Who Flew Alone With Two Kids While Hugely Pregnant of the Year" Award.

Here's your gallon of juice and some hemorrhoid cream. Congrats!

But I do have a few tricks up my nursing bra strap that I'm happy to share with you. Because I know you're about to go to Mexico with three kids under four and you're dying for advice.

Right? RIGHT.

So here you go:

1. If you have to choose organic lollipops or jelly beans for the taxi/take-off/landing (read: all times where toddler must be buckled into a seat), go with jelly beans. He'll make short work of the lollipop and you won't even been out of the gate.

2. Don't worry so much about the lollipops and jelly beans on the plane ride, but rather the after math of the sugar high as you chase your toddler through Customs. I think I said "Stop licking that dirty pole" about 14 times. It wasn't as funny as it sounds now.

3. Pack lightly. Except when it comes to diapers and wipes. If you don't pack enough, make sure you're staying next to a huge family of Canadians who will give you offer you a few diapers in case of a "Poo-nami" (and I quote).

The way too expensive cab ride to get money so mommy can wipe my ass with something more than a wet Mexican wash cloth. [*dress by Ooh La La Mama, nursing top by Momzelle]

4. Be clear that your room does not have two sinks, with a special one for little children.

The true sign of a fancy hotel. A means to wash your ass!

5. Prepare yourselves for early risers.

Yeah, nice try buddy.

6. Okay, so there's really no way to prepare yourself for early risers. But that's why they make movies on iPhones.

Cribs are fun when they're not ours and we don't have to sleep in them.

7. Babysitting. Need I say more?

She actually does have a head. But probably would have still been brilliant without it.

8. If they don't have a babysitter, then pawn your kids off to the families who have just one kid. Your kids will keep their kid occupied and since parents with one kid are like hawks (okay, love you guys, but you know), it all evens out.

9. Make it known that you're celebrating something A real birthday always helps, but you could always fake it. Today is "Mom needs to beat the shit out of Pinata cuz she hasn't slept since November" Day in America! They'll never know the difference.

Those Canadians are so gentle. It's all that health care and maternity leave. Come live down here with us and you'll break that bad boy in two seconds flat.

10. If you do break aforementioned pinata, make sure to prepare your toddler who will scream like a castrated sheep when he sees it explode before his eyes. Then remind him there's candy all over the ground so to avoid extra time in therapy later in life.

Mexican candy has no calories. At least that's what they told me. [Breastfeeding tankini by Glamourmom, Water/UV sling by Mamma's Milk,]

11. Your children are generally way cuter on vacation, so take pictures of it so you can remind them, like the instant they walk back into your house and start fighting again.

12. Having your laundry done before you come home is a brilliant plan. Just make sure you leave out a bathing suit for your kid so she doesn't have to wear her little sister's swim top and a pair of Monkey Bar Buddies on her last day.

Being "small" has its advantages. [Infant swim top - matches a water diaper - by Imse Vimse]

13. Enjoy yourselves. Babies included.

[Cute baby by Motherhood Uncensored and The Huz]

*I was not asked to link or endorse any of these products. They just made life a lot easier (and cuter) so I thought I'd share. I was sent on this trip as "press."

I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground

I decided to screw January 1st and make February 1st my "new year." I'm Chinese, afterall, so I suppose a "late" new year shouldn't be too far of a stretch, even though I've never really celebrated the Chinese New Year. Ever. (Sorry Grandmom!)

Who says I can't start now?

I told myself that January was a time to play catch up - heal sick kids, enjoy vacation, and recover from the holidays. I was going to think harder about how I can collect memories for my kids in a way that doesn't involve scrapbooking (digital or pape) but is still somewhat systematic and organized.

(Side note: I've actually started collecting tidbits of coolness - jewelry, magazines, and anything I think they might appreciate when they're older. Of course, they might turn their nose down on the cool necklace I bought them on etsy, but thus is life, right? Maybe the pretty baubles will garner their forgiveness for not keeping proper track of their developmental milestones).

I would celebrate myself thanks to Year of the Mom, make a plan to start taking more time for myself, get a schedule together that forced me to get to the gym, and maybe remember what it was like to feel human - with real clothes, shoes, and accessories that were not baby or breastfeeding related.

And on February 1, this year of new beginnings would commence! Go me!

But then I reread my book contract and realized that my book, which is actually almost done (phew!), is due on February 1, 2009 and not just "Some random day in February" like I had imagined in my mind.

Whoops.

So while I was hoping to spend this week celebrating my plans for a brand new me, or at least one that doesn't always feel like I'm running from one thing to another and never standing still, I'm going to be writing my ass off, which thanks to the large vats of guacamole that I ingested this past week isn't a bad thing.

I guess my plans will have to wait just a bit longer. 

Valentine's Day, perhaps?

----

I reallly want to tell you about my vacation (I saw famous people. Well, Hungarian ones, but still. Famous!) but forgive me if that comes a bit later than sooner. Humor me, though, and check out Year of the Mom and our Blog Blast with BOCA this weekend. There's a good 8 (yes EIGHT) $100 Spafinder gift cards up for grabs between these two initiatives (plus a bunch of BOCA coupons!) and one of them could be yours!

Also, my friend Catherine has started a wonderful new initiative in the spirit of helping others in need. Do you give good blog?

Take her to Mexico for 5 days and this is how she repays me.