You oughta know by now
Apparently when you have three kids, you've reached the threshold of complete parental wisdom.
Funny, I thought it was just utter sanity.
But according to random people I see at the mall or my 4000 visits to Super Target, I really know what I'm doing by now.
Personally, I think they're just sublimating their urge to tell you how nuts you are. In fact, I just change everything they say after the word "you're" to "one crazy bitch" and it makes perfect sense.
"You're inspiring, amazing, a hero ONE CRAZY BITCH!"
I mean, I never really thought of myself as a slacker with one or even two kids. But I guess when that third one pops out, you've seen it twice and now know everything there is to know. Hell, you're practically the Patron Saint of Mothers.
So let me clear the air right now and tell you that having three kids does not mean you are a parenting expert. On the contrary, you're probably just as much a rookie as the new mom down the street, except you've got an entire litter to deal with rather than just one precious baby. It takes massive skills to effectively manage an older child who's asking you what the sky is made out of, a middle child who could pass for a reallllllllly short UFC fighter, and a baby who must eat now. Right now. I SAID NOW BITCH. NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Those skills do not pop out along with your third child, although I have thought about scrounging around up in there to see if I forgot to push something out.
If I popped out little robots, perhaps. But I'm dealing with humans - unpredictable, complicated itty bitty humans who know that you think you're so smart and experienced with your fancy infant nail clippers that they budge just a millimeter so you cut off the tippy top of their finger.
You can only imagine the inner dialogue of a post partum mom of 3 contemplating an ER visit because she's convinced that the tip of her third child's finger will not stop bleeding.
And they know how smug you are to leave them half naked on your bed because they just peed and in your breadth of mothering experience they won't pee again.
Apparently they also know how much you love to do laundry.
And even though I've made many successful trips outside of the house with all three kids in tow without a tantrum or worse, my nipple hanging out, I have yet to figure out how it's possible that anyone could take one look at me with all three kids together and get "she knows what she's doing."
Seriously people. Try walking condom commercial.
I know this makes me sound like a cynical yankee, but the subtext I hear is them congratulating you on what they see as a god-fearing and non-birth-controlling woman.
That said, I want a third and I think you're lucky to have three, even though they do come with the side effects of diapers and tantrums.
Posted by: Perfectly Disgraceful | January 09, 2009 at 10:23 PM
utterly unqualified to make a comment here (father of 4 - 11,15,18,33).I understand what you are saying, but you cannot even imagine my surprise when I had women wonder where the MOM was when I had infants out all by myself!
And even now they all continue to amaze me with how much I don't know :)
Posted by: dave | January 09, 2009 at 11:11 AM
Try doing this as a single parent, with no primary income, or health insurance, or a minute, ever, to yourself. Trust me, you're doing OK, and you have more than enough to be comfortable.
BTW, the pic of you and Miss Margot is beautiful!
Posted by: Mercy | January 08, 2009 at 06:05 PM
I must have dreamt that I left a comment - I thought I did...but here it is anyway - I hear you!
You look great in the pic. with your daughter!
Ciao
Anita
Posted by: anita tedaldi | January 07, 2009 at 11:00 PM
Well, I would say KUDOS to you because I can barely get out of the house with TWO kids. I mean, I do, and I might look like I know what I'm doing (to the person with one child), but I'm SWEATING and HUFFING all the way!
Posted by: Haley-O | January 06, 2009 at 10:21 PM
The skill you have really mastered is making it look easy even if mentally your hair is on fire. Several of my friends have also mastered this feat. Not me. My hair actually is on fire.
Posted by: Rae Ann | January 06, 2009 at 07:08 PM
That last line killed me. I know it's horrible to focus on the last line of a post...but I am cracking up over here.
But I'm right with you. The third put me over the edge. And my big two are older than yours. Didn't matter though, I have no clue what the F I'm doing either.
The only difference is the five second rule is now a, it's up too you rule. Two day old Cheetos on the floor never killed anyone.
Posted by: Issa | January 06, 2009 at 06:50 PM
How about, "Twins? Oh, no, really? Busy two aren't you." Like kids close together is an invitation to talk about how often we get it on. Ugh.
Posted by: amanda | January 06, 2009 at 06:26 PM
Hey, I went to that other motherhood uncensored one time looking for you and was way confused.
Posted by: Katie | January 06, 2009 at 04:15 PM
I have 3 children and I feel I know less with each child. Each one is so different, the formula to parenting is unique for each. Its good to "not know", a form of surrendering.
Posted by: bridge | January 06, 2009 at 03:12 PM
This is the kind of thing that makes the picture of a kindly husband taking the kids on a 4-day trip while you stay home to nap 100% pure PORN.
http://blackswanpapers.blogspot.com/
Posted by: cynthia | January 06, 2009 at 02:38 PM
I think many of us with only one child who say things like "You must have it all figured out by now" to people with more children don't REALLY mean to say "You crazy bitch!" but actually mean to say "Holy hell how you do that? Because sometimes I think I might want to do that, too, but much of the time, I am terrified at the prospect, and I'd really like to know whether I ought to be."
Posted by: jaelithe | January 06, 2009 at 12:38 PM
Very funny!
I still feel like a rookie.
Even after 9 years.
Posted by: Kristin | January 06, 2009 at 11:19 AM
I just think of myself as Bob Barker's new spokeswoman.
Posted by: mothergoosemouse | January 06, 2009 at 10:42 AM
Mine are almost13, 10, and 6 months and I still feel the same way.
Posted by: radmama | January 06, 2009 at 10:38 AM
I have yet to have a nipple hanging out, but I once shopped for over an hour before I realized my daughter had wiped a big green booger on my cheek.
BIG.
Very BIG.
And green.
Yes. Having 3 has made me verrrrrry talented.
Posted by: tracey | January 06, 2009 at 10:31 AM
@TNG
Do you think nipples hanging out would get me back to see the dr faster? I suppose I could try it on my next visit... heh.
Posted by: Motherhood Uncensored | January 05, 2009 at 09:53 PM
Thanks Heidi -- I've been trying to email her but I can't find her email.
Sigh.
Posted by: Motherhood Uncensored | January 05, 2009 at 09:31 PM
When you go to the ER, just make sure that both your nipples are IN.
I'm just saying.
Posted by: TNG | January 05, 2009 at 08:49 PM
Thing is... once you hit three kids - you have to play zone.
Posted by: K | January 05, 2009 at 08:33 PM
LOL @ popping out robots!
As we were driving to the emergency room yesterday after the three-year-old crushed the one-year-old's fingers in the bathroom door, I thought, 'This would have never happened if we had just had robots.' I'm serious.
Posted by: goodfather | January 05, 2009 at 08:08 PM
Another mother-of-three here.
Every babysitter I have (college students) runs back to campus and doubles up on birth control.
"Of course I'm on the pill, but where's the condom?"
I have three boys.
Posted by: K | January 05, 2009 at 07:26 PM
Off the subject, wondering if you saw this, a new blog mentioned on Celebrity Baby Blog (People Mag) with the name Motherhood Uncensored. I know you've worked hard to get where you are...
CBB Link
http://celebrity-babies.com/2009/01/05/around-the-web-18/#comments
The Site http://motherhooduncensored.blogspot.com/2009/01/downsizing-in-progress.html
Posted by: Heidi | January 05, 2009 at 07:21 PM
Having more kids makes you less stressed out at the little stuff, but not additional wisdom. 'Cause when you think you have one kid figured out, the next one is completely different.
I still quake in fear at the thought of taking my two out in public with no additional adult support.
Posted by: Christina | January 05, 2009 at 07:04 PM
As a fifth child, it took me forever to realize why my mom had me all figured out - she had seen it all before. Like when I was dancing around holding my crotch, she ALWAYS knew I had to pee!
I could no nothing to surprise her.
Posted by: Suebob | January 05, 2009 at 06:56 PM
My #3 is such an easy baby that I hardly know she's there when we're out someplace. It's the other 2 that I have issues with. I'm hoping #3 stays easy. That would be wonderful. I think she knows that her mom's head could explode at any moment, and she kind of likes the milk so she needs me around.
Posted by: Heather | January 05, 2009 at 05:14 PM
I love the looks I am getting now with my two and a pregnant belly. I need a shirt that says "we finaly figured out how these kids were getting here". The best is when you are shopping at Target and they are screaming and you are just ignoring it, all the while rubbing your pregnant belly.
Posted by: stephanie | January 05, 2009 at 05:00 PM
I only feel this way *sometimes* but I do have days when I think that if I had reached the pinnacle of parental wisdom I probably would not have begged my husband to please have just one more.
Posted by: Goldfish | January 05, 2009 at 04:15 PM
story of my life!!! :)
Posted by: tanyettasedit | January 05, 2009 at 04:14 PM
What is it about the leap from two kids to three that inspires the public commentary?
Yes they are all mine, twenty months spacing, yes on purpose, no I'm not pregnant again--just fat, thanks for asking, busy? no, not me, yes I did bring the whole crew, do you want to pay my sitter so I can make the solo TJ's run? and on and on....
If I go somewhere with three and come home with three? Job well done.
Posted by: Heather | January 05, 2009 at 03:42 PM
I only have two, but they're, ah, spirited. I often get "you're the most patient mother I've ever seen" which, I think, is code for "bitch, those kids are out of control!"
Posted by: sueinithaca | January 05, 2009 at 03:20 PM
the only thing 3 did for me was teach me to not sweat the small stuff. like, let's say, when my youngest freaks out at the grocery store and takes her pants and socks and shoes off because she's "so boiling", i just laugh. i wouldn't have done that with #1 or #2.
:)
Posted by: ali | January 05, 2009 at 02:47 PM
I have to agree with Sarah. I hate the "You've really got your hands full" and "They're all boy, aren't they?" comments, and I only have 2! A friend of mine had her 3rd right about the time I had my 2nd. She declared herself certifiably insane and said that everyone who said all the kids after 2 were a breeze LIED. Three is a whole new ball game. If I saw you in Target, I wouldn't say anything to you, but I'd think "That's one crazy bitch!" But to be fair, I think that of anyone with more than one kid.
Posted by: Amanda | January 05, 2009 at 02:45 PM
That's why I am keeping it simple with one. Never wanted to be the "pro" at kids. Although I was a "pro" as a nanny for three crazy boys. I got those same words said to me. To which I replied I am just the nanny and I get to go home at night!!! It was my birth control and the reason I will only have one child.
Posted by: Bobbie | January 05, 2009 at 02:27 PM
OMG - Great rant!
I hate the "you've got your hands full there" comments or even worse - "You've been busy!".
I feel less like I know what I am doing with 3 than I did with 1 or 2. I thought I was the odd one out that it didn't get easier for as they multiplied!
It is insane!
Sarah
Posted by: Sarah | January 05, 2009 at 02:17 PM
A comment I get incessantly is "Wow, you have your hands full!" Another is "You must be really busy!"
It is oh so very hard to bite my tongue because- wait, really? OMG! Where did that 3rd and 4th one come from! Because I MIGHT NOT HAVE NOTICED THAT I WAS BUSY.
*steam*
That's kinda beside the point, though. You're so very right; I felt like a 1st time mother each time because the variables are so different each time. First-time mothers look at me in awe, but the truth is that I've just gotten better at hiding the crazy. We're nearing 4 months with the newest addition here and things are *kinda* getting better. Or I've just gone a little more insane (thanks, Christmas!).
Posted by: psumommy | January 05, 2009 at 12:56 PM
I meant home alone, with no help...
Posted by: Katie | January 05, 2009 at 12:30 PM
This is my first day home with my two year old and my one month old. For the first time today, when I read "Anita's" comment, I genuinely laughed out loud.
And my nipple is hanging out. I don't even notice it anymore. That's bad.
Posted by: Katie | January 05, 2009 at 12:30 PM
Nah, I bet you are a certified expert! You inspired me to have one more, after all!
Posted by: Amy Jo | January 05, 2009 at 11:45 AM
You mean infinite parental wisdom doesn't come popping out with the third one?
Now you tell me ... June is going to be such a disappointment. ;-)
Posted by: ewe_are_here | January 05, 2009 at 11:32 AM
i think it's a matter of perspective..every other mom I see seems to have it more together than i feel. but in reality, they probably feel the same way.
Posted by: sara | January 05, 2009 at 11:23 AM
When I take my five girls out, I ignore people's comments, -- I hope that my nipples are not hanging out, that my girls are all wearing shoes and that I don't have anything stuck to my butt. And sometimes I make sure I don't smell like human barf
:)
Posted by: Anita Ovolina | January 05, 2009 at 11:09 AM
This was hilarious! My sister in law has four kids and every day that I spend home with my own children I say "I don't know how she does it." Because I would go batshit crazy!
Posted by: Jill | January 05, 2009 at 10:31 AM
I've often wondered if it isn't a new phenomenon (mother's of three or more being praised/sainted) brought on by the fact that most people these days stop at two.
I don't remember anyone of my mother's generation being given awards for crowd control and many of them didn't stop at five!
As a mother of three, I've often been stopped in stores and people will ask me "how do you do it?" or "you're a brave woman!" (more so when they were babies and toddlers though. It doesn't happen now that they are all walking upright with iPods on their heads) and it's very unnerving.
Posted by: Procrastamom | January 05, 2009 at 10:14 AM
At least they're nice nipples?
Just yesterday Sage had the tantrum to end all tantrums and I just kind of shrugged it off. That's when you realize you're not an expert - you're just kind of...euthanized. But the insanity of it all.
Posted by: Mom101 | January 05, 2009 at 10:07 AM
I will remember all of that when I have my third next month. Heh.
Posted by: Valeta | January 05, 2009 at 09:37 AM
OMG i cant stop laughing...as a mom of 2 and getting ready to ttc #3 you are cracking me up! Oh i cant stop laughing but i dont knwo if i am laughing cause its funny or laughing cause i am in too deep to go back now lol.
Posted by: Courtney | January 05, 2009 at 09:17 AM