Procrastination is makin' me late

Before our "official" church wedding (you know, the one where I breastfed in the back of the Studebaker that whisked us away), the huz and I had to go through the Catholic Pre-Cana. I'm not morally against having to take a class prior to getting married, however, I had just done nine months of RCIA (acronym for holy long ass Catholic conversion classes) and we were already married. And parents.

Whoops.

So having to complete the six page (no lie) questionnaire about our relationship was a little painful.

"Do you think your future spouse will make a good father?" Um, well, yes since he already is [Oh God, I'm a whore, I'm going to hell].

But with all those questions about money, domestic violence, and whether we'd decided how warm to keep the house (seriously, no lie), there was not ONE asking me if my "future-already" spouse was a freaking first class procrastinator.

I distinctly remember my friend asking me about the flight and rental car details of our visit, back when we were just dating (which was like two months before we got knocked up and got hitched), and I said to her "I have no fucking clue" which, if you know me then you know that such a state would drive me completely insane.

But that is my life with my husband.

He waits until the last minute for everything. He'll shower 10 minutes before he has to leave to pick up my daughter from school. He'll decide to leave for the gym right when I'm cooking dinner, instead of going in the morning when the sitter is here and Quinlan is at school.

And he'll wait so long to reserve a rental car before an overnight trip that he'll not only get stuck with a mini-van but he'll have to pay $129.

"Doesn't that sort of defeat you going up there and getting paid since you just spent 1/4 of it on a car?"

Yeah. It just doesn't sink in. Between what I'm convinced is ADHD and a complete lack of ability to manage his time, he floats and flutters through his days off - some days getting a lot done, if a lot is watching the kids, going to the gym, and vacuuming four times. And other days... well, I honestly don't even really know what he does.

Granted, he's faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar from lazy. I'll always find him moving, helping, and buzzing around at a rapid pace. But when he puts off things to the last minute or decides that it's my job to take care of something, he leaves me with a heavy burden, particularly since when I'm home, I'm working.

I suppose I wouldn't mind so much if he just owned it, but he tends to try to put things on me. Like I didn't get the passport applications done so now we have to pay the expedite fee. You know, because I'm the only one who can take the kids to get pictures and fill out the applications apparently.

It's completely and utterly exhausting, with a side of stressful and frustrating. And it makes me think that I really really really need a wife.

Comments

[Tracy]

LOL. No wonder. I used to be a personal assistant and many would contact me b/c their hubs are just like yours. Let's just say, I was the professional 'second wife' and biz was booming!

Although I sympathize too since my hub isn't too far off.
I can't believe that today he asked me where he keeps his tools (wrenches, etc). I was like, dude, I never touch them. But he'd be whining to the point, I just 'had to' help him find it.
And yeah, he always blames me for being 'late,' although he's the one who basically screwed around not doing anything until the last minute (when me and the kiddo are waiting in the care for him). Blah.

[Karen (Submommy)]

Ok, so, I'm stuck on the beginning of your post with the whole Catholic thing.

I married a Catholic. I'm not.

My MIL went by the local Catholic office (???) and picked up a "Dispensation Form"

Same questions. Dispensation? Wha?

I "lost" it. I'm evil that way.

[Courtney]

Ha, I could totally use a wife myself. There are just not enough hands to get everything done during the day that my husband expects done.

[Gina]

What a great idea. I totally need a wife! Why didn't I think of this? Polygamy should be reconsidered. Big Love makes it look a little enticing, actually.

[rabidparadise]

You hit the nail on the head on this one sister. I've been asking for a wife for YEARS! At least she'll pick up her own dirty underwear!

[Tami in NY]

From everything I've read about your husband he sounds an awful lot like mine, foot in mouth, constantly busy but yet what is getting done, blaming me for everything. Mine also can't make decisions to save his life. Stressful doesn't begin to describe it. I'm at a point where I believe that I am living with insanity and I'm honestly at my wits end at this moment. I need to get out.

He is ADD and does take Adderal for it. Although I don't really think it does much of anything. Same shit different day really.

[beth]

HaHaHa that's awesome! I love your humor. I must admit the last statment has indeed crossed my mind!

[norm]

Guilty! Although my wife is far worse.
Hmm. I suppose that is subjective. Anyway.

I actually just came in to say that I loved Pre-Cana because it helped me not get married to the wrong person. It's not the only good thing the church did for me when I was a practicing Catholic, but I think it was the best. Your mileage may vary. Restrictions apply. Extra surcharge in California. Void where prohibited.

[Jenny]

Thanks for making me feel that I'm not alone. He's does a lot, not lazy! But he does the stuff you see, I'm hungry, he eats, garbage falling out the top of the bucket, he takes it out, diaper poopy, change it, but nothing that requires a list or planning. That's the stuff with stress.

[mannequin]

Ohhhh...Oh that makes me so mad. Men!
Mine is notorious for this:
"Honey , do you think we should do XXX?"
HIM: "Oh that's stupid. Never, no, never".
Later: "And so I told her, I said "mannequin, I think it best if we do XXX".

Oh that makes me so mad.

Can I stop by more often to vent and cuss :)

[Mel]

My husband and I are both procrastinators. If my OCD side had its way, I wouldn't be. But sometimes the ADD me takes over.

If I had a wife that was anything like me, I'd probably be crazier than I am with my husband that drives me up the wall as it is. Bless him.

[starrlife]

Please can I have a wife? SOmeone else he can ask where things are that are right in front of him? Not to make fun of my husband or anything!

[sueinithaca]

Ha! I remember that test. I also remember that they left us alone in a room with another couple to fill it out. We had a good laugh. Of course, I jokingly filled in all sorts of "wrong" answers and forgot to erase them before having it back in , so we had to discuss my future (now) husband's gambling problem and how his "feelings of homosexuality disturbed me" I'm not sure which was more hilariously awkward - filling out the survey or the discussion later. Oh wait. Yes I do.

I also remember almost not being able to get married because his sister refused to signed the notarized (!) affadavit that swore that he wasn't impotent. (I mean, really, can you blame her?) I think we had my boss do it instead (it had to be someone who's known you for more than 5 years)

I also remember attending the "Christian Sexuality" workshop and sitting next to a couple that had been legally married for 10 years - she was 7 months pregnant with their third. Clearly, they needed instruction.

Ah, good times. Oh so sorry I left the church. Really.

[Dani]

Seriously, we married the same man. Why when I have finally hauled my pregnant ass up, found all of his shit and gotten our 3 year old ready does he decide maybe he needs a shower? or the classic check his email. Right now, even though we're already late and he checked it five minutes before. Argh. I think if I'd known this prior to the nuptials, I would have had second thoughts.

[Carlota]

I just got married a little over a year ago, in a courthouse when I was 8 months pregnant, of course having been raised Catholic I am sure they would have never let us wed in the church, nor did I care to drag my husband through that, he was raised nondenominational Christian. Ironically though my mom and stepfather were both raised Catholic and did not pass that test you mentioned of in the beginning of your post and so they had no choice but to get married by a judge. The great irony is the majority of their friends that were allowed to marry in the Catholic Church have gotten divorced. I do not know what the Church is trying to accomplish by having you answer questions like is your future husband a procrastinator.

On another note, while my husband does not blame me for when things do not get done, I am the one in charge of everything that is time sensitive because if I leave it up to him it does not always get done. It was freezing yesterday and he expected me to go out and pick up dinner with the two kids in tow, my dad ended up going and bringing it to me since my husband ended up with car trouble on the way home. Sometimes I just cannot make sense of how he thinks.

[Christina]

There's a reason I'm the one responsible for the bills in my house.

Sorry to hear yours is the same way.

[Ginn]

I feel awkward. That's me! And Kate's got it right. ADD is a whole lot bigger than just not being able to concentrate, though you obviously know that hah. It sucks when I try to explain to people that it's not just a simple matter of concentration or a 7 year old boy's issue. ADD also exacerbates my temper.. uh oh haha.

As annoying as it is for the people around us, it's FUCKING annoying knowing you're doing it, and can't manage to operate like ordinary/non ADD folks. I can't tell you how many times I've kicked myself for not being able get working on things hours before they're due. :( But it is no doubt frustrating for everyone.

Is he on medication? Ritalin definitely helps me get going on stuff. It won't make you whip stuff out, but it focuses your attention to ALLOW yourself to be productive.

Good luck!

[Amanda]

I need a wife too. And a secretary, and a cook.

My husband helps, but it just seems like there's too much for even 2 of us some days. Especially since he spends the majority of his days in an office. I need a 2nd person HERE.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Kate - Yep, that's my husband. He'll be doing one thing and then get distracted into doing something else. I think that's why I'll find important things in weird places. On his way to put them away, he gets distracted.

It's a nightmare when we're trying to get somewhere on time.

[Kate]

My husband is eerily similar in this regard, and I can tell you that in his case, it's 97% his extreme ADD. Contrary to popular belief, ADD doesn't always manifest in a total inability to concentrate, sometimes (as in my husband's case) it manifests in his ability to completely zone out on one task, forsaking all others. So he'll become so occupied in some random thought or idea that it will never occur to him that hey, maybe he should like..shower or something since he's got to leave for work in five minutes. Or perhaps he should check the schedule of the various transportations he's relying on in the city BEFORE he leaves...things like that. But, like yours, mine is far from lazy. He's got the best work ethic I've ever seen, but that really only seems to apply to his jobs.

I guess I'm lucky in that he recognizes his issue, and appreciates being reminded to do things in an orderly manner, instead of just bitching at me for nagging him.

[Jax]

Oh, yeah. Mine is so lazy the house is backed up with filth, boxes of which he never throws away, and his shit from years ago. ANd, If I throw anything away, he gets ugly. This from a guy who, ten minutes before leaving on an intl flight to the USA (He's Polish) he decides to take a long bath, being both late for the airport and infuriating the guy picking him up. I have yet to see the xmas tree up, the house painted, even the dishes done, while I am 8 months preggo and have an almost 2 year old driving me nuts. Oh, and he doesnt help with the kid or the house either.

[FishyGirl]

Oh yeah, I got one of those, though at least he recognizes it. We were leaving a couple of weeks ago, he had a job interview and was wearing a suit, and we were doing the final fixthetiegetthelintoffamIwearingpants check at the door and our sitter kinda chuckled and asked "What would you do without your wife?" and he said "I have no idea. Probably still be living with my parents." So at least he recognizes who's pulling the weight around here.

[Rae Ann]

Ooh! I love the idea of a couple of gay guys instead of a wife. That would be awesome. I am totally asking Santa for that!

[Kerrie]

I"m always in awe how he can sit around braiding the hair on his tush all day, but come time to leave....Woah...twenty things to do before we can go get Momma the coffee from Dunn Bros. that she needs to function...I hear ya, I hear ya, I hear ya.

[hiding behind anonymous]

Oh forget another woman in the house. Ones enough! Instead I'll take a couple of gay guys. That would be fantastic. Everything would be organized, everything. And everything would be froo froo fabulous, including my hair and nails. Oh what joy it would be to have a couple of gays and a straight in the house. ;-)

[goodfather]

My ex-MIL, who had three grown children, was married for 20 years, and divorced for 10, had to get her marriage annulled. How does THAT work?

I was going to write this post a while ago, but I put it off :D

[mfleij]

Sounds like my husband only he doesn't do anything for himself. He will tell me to check on it months in advance, which I will do and promptly give him the info he needs/wants to which he will forget and/or misplace and then come to me the day before asking me again about it. At this point it's too late but he still asks me to re-give him the info. I HATE that more than you can imagine. He also has a very nasty habit of telling me that 'WE' need to be ready to leave out the door at such and such a time. To which I wake up early, get ready, get the girls ready, do their breakfast all by myself because he's got more important things to do like watch YouTube videos and then decide to call back to his family (Saudi Arabia) as we are putting on our shoes and coats. Mind you the car has been running for like 30 minutes by this point and I keep telling him that we were supposed to leave 10 minutes ago. He'll then come out and tell me (who is trying to get a small collection of drinks and snacks and diapers into a bag for the trip) to come on we have to go. Well maybe if you hadn't sat on your ass for the past hour and half doing nothing or if you hadn't chosen to make an international phone call for the passed 20 minutes you could've helped and we'd be in the car down the road by now. He then gets this smug look and says "Oh so we're running late because I didn't help you?!" like it's an impossibility!! Uh, YEAH DUDE, we're running late because you could've been brushing hair, putting shoes and jackets on while I did this but instead you sat on your ass!! Does that make sense to you?! And his response is basically no it doesn't because even if he had helped we'd be late. WHAT?! OH God, I would love to have a wife but I don't think I could handle anymore committment. Maybe a nanny or a 'family' assistant would do the trick.

[Heather]

If you find a good one, find out if she has a friend just like her. Or I suppose you could send me her mother.

[Lynette]

Well, I believe there's a backlog, I put in MY order last year and I STILL don't have one.

[Issa]

A wife....I think I know what I'm asking Santa for Christmas. That is a great idea.

Where are you guys going that you needed passports? The thought of traveling with three kids kinda gives me a rash, but I want to go somewhere soon.

[Mama Bub]

Yikes. I think my husband could have written this about ME. He's definitely the wife. Poor guy.

[tyne]

I am hearing your pain. What is the deal with men and time management? They don't care... or is it that we always compensate for their procrastination?

[Jill]

Oh honey, my husband is the same way. My favorite is when he says "Did WE get this done?" As if he had anything to do with it or put any thought into it before that exact momene.t Yes, WE, did, butthead!

[Backpacking Dad]

If you're proposing to me I gotta tell ya, I don't think I'm allowed to be anyone else's wife.

[MommyNamedApril]

oh, i want a wife tooooooo. no. no, i don't. i want a personal assistant.

[Heather]

I have a very sweet husband. However, he has no ability to manage time. On top of that he has a superhuman tolerance for filth. So, I really am the only person who will clean at all. He likes to think he is helping when he puts laundry in the washer. The problem I have is he does not have the attention span to remember to put it in the dryer or even tell me he put laundry in the washer. I will find it days later all smelly, nice. The only way I cope is to give him specific tasks with a time limit. He'll still procrastinate, but that's his problem if he wants to stay up until 1am printing out Christmas cards since he had days of notice. Everyone is different, so that may not work. I swear I spend half my time shaking my head at his constant running around while accomplishing nothing.

[TheFeministBreeder]

I swear, I could have written this. Do not be surprised if you see me one day, in handcuffs, on the evening news. The next time we get a $75 late fee on the house payment because he waits until the 31st to mail the check, I will snap. Mark my words.

[Lu]

Amen, Amen.

[Trista]

I know the feeling....I hate it when my husband decides to do things right before we leave. WTF? Like he couldn't have organized his junk drawer, swept out the car or went through some papers while I was upstairs getting myself AND THE TWO KIDS ready...

We are all ready to walk out the door and we end up having to wait on him to do some stupid ass thing that could be done later.

It's infuriating.

[Jess]

I have one of those. Married 8 years, and he still thinks that if he wakes up ten minutes before he has to leave, that he'll miraculously not be late.

And mine is Adhd...on meds and everything. Which helps, kind of. Occasionally.

But he's a good dad, and hot, and REALLY sweet, so I deal.

It'd be so much easier if I were married to a woman.

[Andi]

Could you schedule "Planning Meetings" at the beginning of each week? Maybe you could grab a weekly planning calendar off the web and plot the week together. It sounds like at least part of the problem is that he's not telling you what needs to be done and which of those items he's leaving for you to do. Who knows, if he could see how your week plots out he might even try doing a few of the things that he usually leaves for you. (I know... A girl can dream, can't she?)

[Shelley]

Then get one....like an assistant. Course that just lets him off the hook but at least you won't be so frazzled.

[heather @ Domestic Extraordinaire]

Maybe he needs lists. I know that hubby and I used to have issues with this and one day it dawned on me that maybe he needed a list. It has worked wonderfully, when I remember to write stuff down on it. Maybe put the list on the fridge of things that need to be done by him or things in general and cross them off as they get done. Although this is just one more thing that you will probably need to do.