I want my mommy.

I have nothing better to offer you than that.

I am feeling completely and utterly defeated.

World wins, Kristen loses. You can all move along and read about snow storms and Dooce's pregnancy because I give up.

I've been wiping noses, steaming coughs, and doing my best not to yell, scream, or drive 600 miles due North for the last month and a half. 

We figured out that Quinlan was not being indignant and four, but actually couldn't hear us. I'm on my way to the pediatrician tomorrow to hopefully figure out what's going on in those usually very healthy ears of hers. Then I read that an eye seeping with yellow mucus can actually indicate an ear infection (same bacteria for eye and ear, apparently), and so I feel like a real super champ mom for forcing milk in her eye when she probably needed that and something else in her ears.

And to top it off, my throat is now searing from the cold which is not surprising since I'm eating pecan pie for breakfast and snacking on bad chocolate and I'm tired because I'm sick but also because I'm tired and working and my husband is probably about to leave for a trip that will bring him home Christmas night and so do we have Christmas on the 26th and lie to the kids and then I've got to put all the toys together because we don't wrap them and then my in-laws are coming and they want to BUY tickets on another airline because they can't get their asses to the airport early enough to catch the free one but yet they complain about money all the time and then I have to cook Christmas dinner and Quinlan and I are going to see the Nutcracker on the 28th but the baby won't take a bottle so she'll probably scream the whole time so can I really enjoy it and I've got to find 10,000 more words for my book which I haven't heard back from the editor about and so do I keep writing or do I wait to see whether they think it's a piece of crap and then have to rewrite everything anyway and I'm sick of stuffing my floppy stomach into pants that are clearly too small just so I don't look like a total scrub every day and my husband is pissed at me because I'm controlling and bossy and have to do things my way and sure I was sort of always like that but now I've become a "just so" person and I hate "just so" people and I want to spend time with my kids and yet I sit and stare at my computer answering emails from people that want me to check out their dog contest when I should be working or doing taxes or folding 500 baby onesies that probably weren't dirty but since everyone just throws their shit in the hamper who the fuck knows anymore and my mom is having heart problems but she always tells me after she's in the hospital and I worry about her and the kids still haven't seen Santa but then my daughter asked me how come there are Santas at the mall all at the same time and I had no idea what to tell her and my fucking throat hurts and I want my mommy.

Like now. 

Comments

[Jenny]

You. are fing funny. and I know you aren't trying to be, so it makes it better. Hang in there, and keep good company with other moms who never feel good enough.

[PB Rippey:blogma/sleepless mama]

Yes, we're sick as well and it lingers like a---I don't know, good scotch tape(that's all my simile-barren, stuffed up brain could muster). Unbelievable. Or totally normal. Not sure which as I've never done this before, but damn! So ready to be healthy again, so ready for my baby's nose to look like a baby's nose again. Colds/flu-----suck.....

[sara]

hang in there girl! i've had one of those christmases too. on christmas eve, after a week of "if it can go wrong, it will" i said to my husband "it would be nice if i could do something that wasn't a complete failure." his reply: "it would be nice if you weren't so negative about yourself." you should have seen the glare i gave him as the tears were streaming down my face...

[Pencils]

Wow, I'm sorry. That is some long litany of woes. You deserve your mommy to come and make it all better. It sounds stupid and trite, but you will get through this.

Hell, I want my mommy too, and I only have one twelve-week-old baby! And a three and a half hour a day commute to my job in Manhattan, veins in my legs that don't work since the pregnancy and now I have to have laser treatment so they don't blow up with edema anymore and I don't get cellulitis for a fourth time since the baby was born. And no presents are wrapped and some not even bought yet and I have to go have an ultrasound on my legs today, cookies have to be baked...oh, hell, I'm really depressing myself. It will all work out, I guess. Or not!

[Pam]

I too understand what it's like to want ones mommy. For the first time in ten years I'm without a spouse this Christmas (he is deployed) and I have a three year old. I am not meant to be a single mom. My mom lives approx. 2500 miles away, while I am in Montana she is in Maryland.

There was a moment the weekend after Thanksgiving when we were both sick with the stomache flu that all I wanted was my mommy to come take care of me. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one.

[Issa]

K, if I could I'd so send you your mommy right now. Hell, I'd send you mine too for good measure. Hugs.

[stephanie]

Venting is the first step to breathing again. good luck

[Jax]

Hell dont worry about work for fucks sake! Put this on hold and take care of yourselves! we can always wait....

[Asianmommy]

Sorry things are so hard right now. Take care of you & the kids first. When you & the kids are sick, you are no longer obligated to cook Xmas dinner! Order in. Chinese restaurants should still be open. :)

[amanda]

Fuck if it isn't the most magical and heart wrenching time of year.

It will get better. Fierce love.

[just beth]

SIGH.

You poor darling.

We love you. Try to take it easy on yourself.

xo

b.

[dieg]

all I can say is that youve been up to your eyeballs before and you know this will pass. This is all only temporary. Hang in there. Im so sorry youre at this point. Youre very human and motherhood is very humbling in this aspect.

[Hyphen Mama]

Oh, and let the in-laws buy airline tickets on another airline... because the industry needs all the revenue it can muster up. If they're too stubborn to use their son's benefits, let the rest of the industry profit from it!

AND? I agree totally with other commenters--while the in-laws are there, let them cook or let them heat up something from a box. Anybody who wants you to wait on them is insane and doesn't deserve your energy. And I certainly wouldn't waste time scrubbing the toilets!!

[Hyphen Mama]

I had an "I need my mommy" day today and I had no choice but to call my mommy and cry...and she made me laugh.

I had 3 glasses of wine, which is 3 more glasses than I've had in the last 6 months combined...and I finally stopped crying.

Do what you can. It's the best you can do. The rest doesn't matter.

And hello! There are 1700 Santa's at the mall at the same time, because they are SANTA'S HELPERS... the real santa is at the North Pole getting 'ready'.

[Busy Working Mom]

Oh my, I guess you really do need your mommy. I feel like that on some days but on your case I understand that it stretched on for more days. It's sad that when everything is hectic for the holidays, it also is the time for flu and other health problems. Get some help if you can, you need to rest badly. Happy holidays!

[The Other Sister-in-Law]

Oh Kristen, I really wish I could help you! I agree - do what works best for you this christmas. If others wants something so badly, they can do it themselves. It sounds like you need a nanny or someone who can watch the kids and give you a reprieve. I'd be glad to try to find someone for you, or at least point you in the right direction. I hope things get better and you're able to have some enjoyment this holiday season. Please contact me if I can do something for you!

Best wishes and love and hugs to all of you.

[MommyNamedApril]

i hope you get your mommy. you seriously deserve it. i had a mental break today and am not going through half the shit you are. i don't know how you're doing it, but i'm impressed. really impressed.

[Heather]

You have way too much on your plate, ma'am.

And I, too, was controlling and bossy. My LIFE was out of control, so I tried to control all the little, inconsequential things. Until my therapist basically told me that I CAN'T control everything. It's impossible. Let it go. Fuck it.

Simplify. You are only on this earth for a short time. Do whatever you can to make YOU happy. Do it. You can. You are too strong NOT to do it.

[Jasileet]

If you're able to, I'd bunker down. Cancel all obligations. Close off doors to rooms absolutely unnecessary (party in Mommy's room). And I'd order out.

Cancel the Christmas you know and the Christmas others expect. Just get through it the best you can with the best attitude you can for your kids.

Prioritize feeling good (showering), getting meals (dial out!) and cleaning the small portion of the house you -have- to live in (just stow the crap in the other rooms for now). Gate off the rest! You can do it!

[Katie]

FUCK COOKING. Buy as much as you can pre-made. Heavenly ham? Marie Callender? Publix? Homeland Food?

[Fairly Odd Mother]

Wow, you poor thing.

I can help with the Santa thing. I have told the kids that any Santa you see walking around at this time of the year is a "helper". The "Real" Santa is busy at the north pole.

The rest of it though? All I can say is be easy on yourself. Will your kids really know if Christmas is December 25th or the 26th? (or the 27th?) We start opening gifts on the 23rd so that we aren't overwhelmed on the 25th. Santa only brings a couple of things so it is easy to divvy the gifts over a few days.

Ignore your inlaws. They are insane.

I NEVER did an elimination diet b/c I'm selfish like that. Have a drink and never, ever fold onesies. Ever. Just shove them into the drawer. If it drives your MIL or husband crazy, they can fold them.

And, most of all, hugs. This is a tough time of year.

[Sara]

So so sorry, Kristen. Big big hugs and some kind of Christmas magic to you. Hope you get a break, and I mean a real break, soon!!!

[MissHawk]

Oh honey...{{{HUGS}}}. That's all I can say. Big ones! This too shall pass.

[Kate]

I hope that things get better! We have all been at this point too.

[Chris]

I'm right there with you. I have a 2.5 yr old and a 4 month old. My 4 month old didn't take a bottle either until I tried the one shaped like a boob. It's called the Adiri Natural Nurser. It may be worth trying with Margot.

[Pia]

Been there. So there. In fact, I started Prozac this weekend cuz it all got to be too much!

[Amy@UWM]

Wish I had some words of wisdom or some really fabulous advice, but I'm right there with you. I've been seriously considering crawling into bed and hiding under the covers until my kids turn 20 and are out of the house. Whaddya think? Good idea?

[Lee from MWOB]

That was a beautiful perfect rant. From the gut and raw and shitty and yeah, we all kinda know. In our own ways. And then this too shall pass and your kids will heal you with a Santa-induced smile.

Feel better. Really. It will be okay.

[lori]

Sigh... you're in my brain again. Let's both breathe = ) Lie, they'll never know the difference. I have a hard enough time keeping track of the days and I'm not in pre-school. When the in-laws complain about $ say what you said above. Wake up earlier, assholes. Leave your cell at home next time you leave, you'll survive w/o it- promise.

[Jennifer Suarez]

Don't feel too bad. I brought my youngest in thinking she was getting pink eye, turns out it was a double ear infection. Same deal, the infection was bad enough to come out through the eyes.

I felt AWFUL about it so I guess telling you not to feel bad probably doesn't help... so at the very least, just know, you aren't alone, and you aren't a bad mom either.

It happens, even to the best of us/

[Nicole]

Not a problem, Kristin. Everyone needs their mommy once in awhile. And when mommy's not available, sometimes permission to just let it go helps.

Honestly, I don't know how you do it - I don't even have kids yet and *I* have a cleaning service. I also have no qualms about calling for food delivery or getting dinner from the Safeway deli. Or getting them to deliver groceries.

We subscribe to the "There's a problem? Let's throw some money at it and see what happens" philosophy of life. Outsourcing is the key to happiness.

And if you want to come north, the extra bedroom in my townhouse in the suburbs of Vancouver is usually open (although you'll be forced to drink for two because I can't drink until May sometime :) and we have this case of (organic, local) wine in the wine cooler. Life is rough here, I tell you).

[NG]

I hear ya sistah!

[Sarah]

Thank you! For saying just how we are feeling around here. I can't wait to start new.

And on they eye / ear thing. Same thing happened here. I felt like mother of the year. Our ped told us it is from the pressure of an ear infection. The good news is, if it hurt they would be screaming.

Don't worry about the small stuff. Our kids haven't seen santa either, but they are no worse for wear.

Feel better!

[Christina]

I really want in for the Fuck You 2008 bash. I'm ready to burn it in effigy at this point.

[beth]

Sometimes life sucks, I'm sorry. I hear everything you are saying. This is a season in life it will not always be this way. Just hang on. You can't to anywhere, Whose gonna make me laugh when the shit hits the fan in my life. Not even my friends are as honest and descriptive about their feelings and life and feelings about life as you. Keep on keepin on sista!
Christmas dinner can be take out btw.

[The New Girl]

Dude.
You don't know HOW MUCH I AM FEELING YOU right now.

The Little Sister and I were just saying it last night.

We both want our Mommy. For REALS.

Failing that? I'll pretend to be your Mommy if you DO end up hightailing it due North. I'll rub your back and everything.

[carol]

I remember those days and feeling like i might just drown. I wanted my mom too. Hang in there. Hubby and in-laws can eat Stouffer's lasagna. If they don't like it tough. I think you need a break, you just had a baby and the move and adjustment to three is chaotic.
Peace and good luck to you, here's to seeing 2008 in the rearview mirror soon.

[Shannon]

I'm in for the fuck 2008 night! LOL

I'm with the person that said to throw money at the issue- if you can afford it, have someone come in ASAP and whip the house into shape. ANd look into a gym with childcare- a recurring theme is your PANTS and your distaste for how they fit- I think even the baby is big enough now to be at a gym care for an hour? you will feel great. I miss the gym I had in Nashville, I need to make that a goal for myself, too.

[Another Dad]

I agree with some of the others. You need a good stiff drink of cheap liquor followed by a no-holds barred "jingle of the bells" near the Christmas tree. Just be careful of the needles.

[Natalie]

Kristen,
When I first read the words "I give up" I got scared. Your words have made me laugh, reflect, learn and be horrified since I got pregnant. I thought you were giving up the blog, and my heart sank.
You are one amazing person. To do everything that you do, nurture 3 kids and an absent husband, and write a blog (that I consider my very favorite) is inspiring to say the least. And your less inspiring posts make me feel less alone as I screw things up. I just wanted to say "thanks."

[Sheri]

Oh Kristen,
I'm so sorry to hear about your bad time. I don't know a parent alive who hasn't been there/done that. You need a soak in a hot tub or a shower or at least 15 minutes to recharge.

Try, as hard as it might be, to enjoy the holiday. Do what YOU need to do, not what everyone wants you to do.

If you want to celebrate Christmas on the 26th, do it. Believe me, the kids won't care. My grandmother died on Christmas Eve when I was little. We got our presents early and spent Christmas day in a car, eating ham sandwiches, driving to Florida. Just do what you have to do. Your kids will only notice that the tree is up and the food was good.

Things will get better. I swear.

[Chicky Chicky Baby]

Can't even tell you how many times I've said in the past 3 years "I want my mommy". It's not happening but I still say it. Don't know about you but it kind of makes me feel better admitting out loud to no one that I need help. Unconditional, no-strings-attached help.

xo

[mayberry]

This sucks Kristen--I'm really sorry. Try not to feel bad about Q's ears -- this from the mom who kept giving her kid Tums when she turned out to have a ruptured appendix.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

@Manic Mommy - impressive spelling of Tchaikovsky.

:)

[Manic Mommy]

Here it is: Throw money at the problem. Whether it be a cleaning person, a nanny, a complete meal cooked by the grocery store - whatever. Just don't try to do it all. We never come out ahead on this one.

Fuck the sinlaws, Margot will cry but not at you, go to the Nutcracker and let Tchaikovsky take you away. You can even be Clara.

[Glamour Girl]

You make me want to drive to Canada for you. The free flight issue really pisses me off. You NEED a break or you just might head north. I know a girl who did it recently...think I'll blog about it today...

[Hillary]

When the in-laws get there -- on whatever flight they end up taking -- leave the kids with them and run away for a few hours.

[Angela]

It's OK if emails don't get read. It's OK if meals aren't homemade. It's perfectly fine if the ILs want to pay for their own fight. That's their problem. Don't let it be yours.

Oh, Kristen. All of it will be here tomorrow. Hell, all of it will be here next week. Take a week off. Do nothing but take care of yourself and the kids. (Yourself first!) I've got a big pot of soup I can bring over for dinner...

[Lisa]

Hot water with lemon and honey for yours and the kids' throats...but don't add rum...not nearly strong enough to dull the kill-me-now-no-wait-give-me-the-nearest-throat-to-throttle-frustration...VODKA-now that would do the trick!

[Amanda]

Welcome to the "I swear my kid is a total pain in the ass because I have to repeat myself 10 times until I yell club, then I find out they need ear tubes." We have jackets and chocolate. Hang in there.

[Bitchy Mom]

I wish I could come down there right now and move in with you for a couple weeks to help out. I know first hand how much it sucks to not have hubby home when you need him most.

Just pay attention to what's most important - your kids. Everything else comes second.

I have to remind myself EVERY DAY that everything else can wait. It won't be the end of the world if I don't do laundry. It won't be the end of the world if the dishes don't get done and the house is a mess. It's not the end of the world if there are 700 emails in my inbox and 56 are unread and 203 need to be replied to.

Life will still go on. Your kids are the most important thing and honestly, fuck everything else.

I hope things lighten up for you though. Don't feel guilty about having a stiff drink either... You deserve it!

[marti]

I have a six-month old and a 3.5 yo, so I know of what I speak. You need to get a membership at a gym that has childcare. Two birds with one stone--you work out, lose weight feel better about yourself (and trust me, being on the other side of 25 pounds will help a lot!) and get some alone-time. The gym membership is the best expenditure we make each month. If you can't do that, get a babysitter at a set time on two days a week and get yourself to a class of some sort--yoga, pilates, one of those outdoor exercise things...something.

Kristen- you're sliding into mom madness. Shake yourself out of it!!! A bit of a break will help.

And for God's sake, why are you cooking dinner with three kids? We're going out. And if we can't get out with the ice storm outside, I'll stick a frozen lasagne in the oven! Just getting through a day with three kids is hard enough, why make it harder? You're your own worst critic--nobody will judge you for not cooking. And if they do, well, fuck 'em.

[Backpacking Dad]

I am extending you an Unvitation to my Dog Contest.

Even if you wanted to come check it out you aren't allowed. In fact, stop even reading this comment. You aren't allowed to give this comment any more thought.

And you aren't allowed to feel guilty about not paying attention to this comment or not checking out my dog contest. Shit, they're DOGS. How good at chess could they be?

[Lauren]

Deep breaths sweetie.

[Naomi]

Ooh, Roo's been having what I assumed was 4 year old pissiness/hearing loss but maybe I should have her ears tested, too. Bleh.

You're not alone. We all sucky suck, especially during the holidays. Not the happiest time of year for me, ever.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Aw thanks, Nicole. YOU ROCK.

Who's coming to Atlanta for a "FUCK YOU 2008" bash?!

I'm serious.

[Christina]

Even grown women need their mommies, especially when we are moms ourselves. And when our mommies aren't around, a good glass (or two) of wine at least dulls the ache for an evening.

Maybe we should have sign ups for shifts to come help you. Everyone pick a week to come to ATL and help out, with the condition that we insist that you don't play hostess - we'll sleep on the couch if need be. And we'll bring the wine.

[Nicole]

Oh, honey. I'm sorry.

Let the inlaws whine about money; they don't want the free flights, that's their problem, not yours.

The Nutcracker will kick ass. Instant oatmeal and microwave eggs for food (or egg substitute).

You've become the "just so" person because you feel that nothing else is in your control. And quite honestly (and you're not going to like this)the best way to deal with it is to just let it go.

Call a laundry service that will pick up, wash, dry, fold and deliver for you. Make that your Christmas present to yourself.

Taxes can wait. Email about dog contests can wait. Its the holiday season. Sit down with your kids and drink hot water with lemon and honey for the throats. Add some rum to yours.

[Zip n Tizzy]

Wishing you Peace and Quiet this holiday season.

[Erin]

Wow. I'm sorry things suck right now. Here's hoping they get better soon! Just keep breathing!

[mothergoosemouse]

Sometimes we mommies don't need a wife. Sometimes what we really need is a mommy for ourselves.

[Brandi]

ugh. i'm sorry. i'll be at the bar, too, i just need some extra heads up since i'm halfway around the world. hugs.

[Amy H]

hang in there. It really does get better. You are in the really tough part right now and it probably feels like you will always be there...but you won't. It is just survival mode and you are making it work better than most. Relax and remind yourself that you JUST had a baby.

[Stacey]

And mom who most needs a liquid Valium drip right now. While having a stiff drink.
sigh. I wish I had words of wisdom that would help you feel better. But I know you will eventually feel better all by yourself. I'm sorry things are so suckish right now. I feel ya girl. I hope tomorrow brings you a better day. Hugs.

[emily]

I am so sorry...I know things suck right now, but they will get better

[Sybil Vane]

Love to you, dear.

[Shannon]

I agree with Heather on this one. You definitely win "mom I most want to have a drink with". Change that, "mom who most needs a drink RIGHT NOW!". Hugs and more hugs to you now. Hope Q's ears clear out soon.

[Heather]

sh*t. I vote you mom I most want to have a drink with NOW. That was totally me last winter, but throw in baby in hospital with pneumonia and MIL who couldn't watch other kids because she had to meet w/ a contractor. yup, just that nice. babies cry. she'll be fine. the nutcracker will rock. abx will help the ear crud. *hugs*