Cheater.

I think my husband is having an affair.

I suppose it should have been obvious to me ages ago, with the ex-girlfriends calling and texting "just to say hello and I miss you" and the old email trails with them that talked so openly about his busy schedule, conveniently leaving out the fact that I was due with our first child on that very day.

Then he didn't really want to have sex with me. Granted I had gained a good 65lbs when I was pregnant with Quinlan, but I stayed active, took care of myself, and worked out every day.

I thought that it would change when I lost all the weight and then some, topping the scales at just over 130lbs - a good solid 20lbs less than what I was when I met him.

But it sort of went further downhill.

I know I wasn't the easiest person to live with - eating nothing but a few foods on some crazy elimination diet to help my daughter, sobbing every night and day because she wouldn't sleep, and jumping down his throat for any little thing he said or did. Sometimes warranted, sometimes not.

It never got better, though. Miscarriages, moves, and more children just made everything worse. I yelled. I screamed. I hit myself in the head with vases.

I feel like I've put forth as much effort as I can muster. I lose the weight, I clean the house, I do the laundry, I love my kids, I work hard at my job, and I love my husband.

He'll ask me to grow my short stubby nails. Or wash my dirty feet before bed. Or destroy my not-so-sexy underwear. Mostly half joking.

I think.

There have been months with no affection. No "I love yous." No nothing.

So a few nights ago he told me it's because I yell. Of course, the man with the bionic ears thinks talking loud is yelling. But I yell. I'm short fused and stressed and I take it out on him.

I sometimes yell in front of the kids. I feel terrible and I apologize to him so they can hear me.

Once he told me to "shut the fuck up" in front of the kids. Pulling the apology out of him made me feel like a dentist. I drove him to that point, he said. All my yelling.

I'm carrying a baby constantly, running businesses, writing books, caring for children, and doing my best to keep the house together.

He helps. He really does.

But still I yell sometimes. And he can't take it. After everything that I've done and sacrificed, after five straight years of being pregnant or breastfeeding, two miscarriages, a year with HIS FUCKING PARENTS, and he can't take it.

So he just doesn't feel like being affectionate or intimate.

"If you'd stop yelling, I think that would be a good start," he said.

"And then what?" I asked him. "What will be the next thing I need to work on?" I said, closing the door behind me.

Then with my head in my tear soaked hands, sitting next to my infant daughter's bed, I figured it out.

He's having an affair. With the old me. The one without three kids and 30 extra pounds. The girl with perky breasts, a tight ass, and not a care in the world.

She never yelled. Ever.

And to be honest, I'm just not sure I can compete with her.

Comments

[Jennifer]

WTF!!! Totally not ok. Hugs.

[Jill]

I'm so sorry. This just sucks. But I know what you mean. I often feel like my husband has some sort of idealized version of how I should look/act/be, based on how I looked/acted/was when we first met, and I find it very unfair. I am not that person anymore. And what's most unfair is that he's actually pretty much is the same person he was when we met -- a little more weight, a little less hair -- but I think he probably still feels like the same person he was, whereas I do not. And I know that's why I yell. That's why I lash out and tell him to stop acting like a baby when I'm trying to take care both of the kids and make sure my 38 year old husband feels sufficient paid attention to -- all at the same time. Most men just don't get it. That parenting, for moms, is all-encompassing, takes up all of our brain space and a lot of our heart space -- and way more time than they could ever fathom. For them it's about playing and handing the kids off when they're done. Occassionally stepping up to help when things look like they're getting out of control. This isn't true for all dads, I realize, but I know it's true for mine and it sounds like maybe for yours too. We're not playing on a level playing field, and that, as I've said isn't fair.

I hope you can work things out.

[Tara]

A regular reader but I never left a comment before. I'm not exactly in your shoes, but I have been there. I've been accused of yelling too much. It's not fun and you tend to think everything is your fault. Or everything is his fault. Truthfully, neither is true.

Kids change you. And there's no going back. The sheer amount of work it takes to keep a child alive (in your case, three little ones) is exhausting. If you managed to make it through the day without yelling, I would be surprised.

Please don't be hard on yourself. I don't even know you, but I do know that you are doing a great job.

[Brandi]

i know your pain. i agree with a lot of people who said that while maybe you aren't the same person he married, probably he isn't either. to be honest, once we are married, we are NEVER the same person we were before we said those fateful words. and then the kids come. and then life happens. and it all piles up & we lose ourselves under the piles & WhoTF is he to put it all on your plate? grr. hugs.

and maybe i could recommend something without sounding like a total crackpot? the book "fireproof", after the movie. we got through 10 lessons before life got in our way (stomach flu, holidays, children, sports, etc.) & it did get us pointed in the right direction. once the pace of life slows back down, we'll go back to it. maybe you could just take a look at it & see what happens.

[Undomestic Diva]

Honestly, my husband and I go thru this over and over and I think that while we both share our fair part of the "blame," there's that longing for who we used to be (like you mentioned) before kids and, well, life. You've morphed and changed and transitioned and he's remained the same. He's got to see that life evolves and if he doesn't, then he's bound to be left behind.
I am sorry though. Because I know exactly what it's like to hang my head in tear soaked hands and just be so, so tired of feeling like I'm not good enough, it's never enough and that I can't meet his expectations. Maybe, he doesn't have reasonable expectations.

[Noell]

I have been thinking for months that you bear a huge amt of work in comparison to your husband as far as the home life is concerned -- more than most SAHMs -- seems unfair to me.

[chel]

the worst thing about that is how many times you made excuses for him to make you feel like that.. i am really hoping that was meant to be read sarcastically.

i bet you a million dollars (not really, i don't have a million dollars), you would be a whole lot more like the pre-married you if he was the best him he could be.

sorry for your tears.

[Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas]

Wow, I'm so so sorry. I hope that he can step up and realize it's not all about you. It's never just one person and he needs to take some responsibilty too.

Don't be too hard on yourself --

[ewe_are_here]

Methinks your husband needs to spend more alone time --and I mean NO outside help for him!-- with the house and kids while you get some downtime by yourself. It's the only way he's going to start to understand where you are right now.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now.

[starrlife]

How about you? Is he the same man you married? Usually they are not so sounds like a need for a night out, adults only is forthcoming. A therapist once told me no matter what always have sex or your marriage is at risk for an affair. I hope that you are partly kidding? I've been through it and it's not fun. Hugs.

[The New Girl]

Um.

Shit.

WTF?

[Lynette]

I know how it feels. If only it was as easy as they THINK it is. We will never be the single, kid-free "us" again. She peeks out now & again (with babysitters and diets), but we'll never be that person completely.

Here's hoping that he realizes that you are better than you were, even as you're different.

[Heather]

There is only so much we can do, then we need to trust that our husbands will do their part as well. I never realized how hard marriage could be, and children definitely throw the harmony off balance on occasion.

Sometimes I have an affair with the old me too.

[Stephanie]

Um, yeah. This is not your fault, because if it was it would be my fault too. I'm pretty sure this is exactly where my husband and I are at as well. You are not alone. Unfortunately, I think it's a "thing". A horrible, shitty thing, and I don't know how to fix it either.

[Angela]

THIS. IS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT.

Hugs, Kristen. Here if you need anything!

[Paula]

My husband and I have been through similar times. It is often difficult to figure out how to make things right again. I sometimes wish I could have a "do over" of moments, days, weeks. You've got a lot on your plate right now.
I have a poem posted in our bedroom called "The Art of Marriage". The last line is: "It is not only marrying the right partner, but being the right partner". I try to keep that advice in mind when I wish he were different and try to do for him the things I wish he would do for me. Sometimes, it is the little things that make the biggest difference. Sigh...thinking of you.

[Manic Mommy]

Thinking of you. Don't lose yourself.

[Ruth]

Shit, I am no longer going to complain about my husband! I really hope you're wrong. I love your blog and have 4 kids, I know where you're at. Men really just don't get it do they?

[Trista]

You have put into words what I feel everyday....

Keeping you in my thoughts....:)

[tonya cinnamon]

guys never get it that when we take care of their kids and do everything else. that life isnt always pretty. sure they can go to work have some stress but then chill out when they get home What about us the working moms at home or at work. either way we cant just chill out .i dont think guys will ever get it ... hugs to you..

[blairzoo]

Sigh.... no words here. Just thinking of you and sending waves of love and acceptance. Your story is so much of what many of us face. Thanks for putting it into words so eloquently.

[blairzoo]

Sigh.... no words here. Just thinking of you and sending waves of love and acceptance. Your story is so much of what many of us face. Thanks for putting it into words so eloquently.