Cheater.

I think my husband is having an affair.

I suppose it should have been obvious to me ages ago, with the ex-girlfriends calling and texting "just to say hello and I miss you" and the old email trails with them that talked so openly about his busy schedule, conveniently leaving out the fact that I was due with our first child on that very day.

Then he didn't really want to have sex with me. Granted I had gained a good 65lbs when I was pregnant with Quinlan, but I stayed active, took care of myself, and worked out every day.

I thought that it would change when I lost all the weight and then some, topping the scales at just over 130lbs - a good solid 20lbs less than what I was when I met him.

But it sort of went further downhill.

I know I wasn't the easiest person to live with - eating nothing but a few foods on some crazy elimination diet to help my daughter, sobbing every night and day because she wouldn't sleep, and jumping down his throat for any little thing he said or did. Sometimes warranted, sometimes not.

It never got better, though. Miscarriages, moves, and more children just made everything worse. I yelled. I screamed. I hit myself in the head with vases.

I feel like I've put forth as much effort as I can muster. I lose the weight, I clean the house, I do the laundry, I love my kids, I work hard at my job, and I love my husband.

He'll ask me to grow my short stubby nails. Or wash my dirty feet before bed. Or destroy my not-so-sexy underwear. Mostly half joking.

I think.

There have been months with no affection. No "I love yous." No nothing.

So a few nights ago he told me it's because I yell. Of course, the man with the bionic ears thinks talking loud is yelling. But I yell. I'm short fused and stressed and I take it out on him.

I sometimes yell in front of the kids. I feel terrible and I apologize to him so they can hear me.

Once he told me to "shut the fuck up" in front of the kids. Pulling the apology out of him made me feel like a dentist. I drove him to that point, he said. All my yelling.

I'm carrying a baby constantly, running businesses, writing books, caring for children, and doing my best to keep the house together.

He helps. He really does.

But still I yell sometimes. And he can't take it. After everything that I've done and sacrificed, after five straight years of being pregnant or breastfeeding, two miscarriages, a year with HIS FUCKING PARENTS, and he can't take it.

So he just doesn't feel like being affectionate or intimate.

"If you'd stop yelling, I think that would be a good start," he said.

"And then what?" I asked him. "What will be the next thing I need to work on?" I said, closing the door behind me.

Then with my head in my tear soaked hands, sitting next to my infant daughter's bed, I figured it out.

He's having an affair. With the old me. The one without three kids and 30 extra pounds. The girl with perky breasts, a tight ass, and not a care in the world.

She never yelled. Ever.

And to be honest, I'm just not sure I can compete with her.

Comments

[Bean]

Ugh, my eyes are brimming with tears after reading your post. The details aren't exactly the same, but they are close enough to make for an uncomfortable read.

I need to do something about it. My husband and I need to do something about it. Fester is an unpleasant word, and it doesn't feel too great either.

[motherofbun]

I have often wondered HOW you do all of the stuff you do. All of the juggling you do between your writing, business, motherhood and house stuff is not easy in the least.

I just want to hug you. Buy you a big slice of pie (or a few drinks, whatev) and take you to see Dr. Nancy. (A very calming woman who's helped me alot this past year. Well, she helped but so did the Wellbutrin and getting away with some great girlfriends.)

Sorry I found this post so late. But still, my heart is with you.

[V]

I've raised my kids - there is not a harder job in the world! I yelled too- hated myself for it-loathed myself-had terrible PMS- Financial problems, expensive private school, learning problems with one kid, behavior problems with another! Now they are all grown- we hung in there- stayed together, although I was tempted to leave many times. You can start over with someone new who isn't their father, or raise them as a single mother all the time, or just take a deep breath, hire some help and pray a lot! My kids thank me for hanging in there--they know it wasn't easy. P.S. Menopause helped a lot!lol Seriously, it mellowed me out! So you have something to look forward to!

[Jessica Brown]

Oh Kristen, after nearly six months away from the blog world I read this post and realise that you are me or I am you, well one of those. I yell like a banchee because I receive no affection or intimacy and then when I get no reaction or intimacy, yell again! I don't know what the solution is, but I can't wait to loose this weight (after No2 comes in Feb) so I can feel moderatley better about myself and take this matter further. Thankyou so very much for this post, it made me realise that I am not the only one. Jessica

[Dana]

Kristen, I just want to tell you I love you. I don't know anyone who can express their emotions so beautifully...

I think it's the raw honesty that I love...maybe because it makes me feel less insane to know that I'm not the only one who isn't living the "perfect" life they dreamed of...

Ugh.

You are wonderful and if he can't appreciate the shit you've been through then he has a problem that needs addressing, too.

(And I'm a yeller, too. I get it from my mother and I don't know how to stop...but I'm working on it.)

[YP]

That sucks. You deserve better. From all I've read in your blog, it sounds like you are a great mom, working your ass off, and doing it with a sense of humor. You are a beautiful, talented writer - your husband should thank his lucky stars he has you.

[Me too]

Yesterday my husband told me that he wasn't attracted to me and maybe if I got breast implants it would help. (I'm 5'6, 135 lbs, reasonably well-maintained after birth of our child, blonde, blue-eyed, yada yada yada. Married 11 years.) Moral? Sometimes men are just asshats.

[Right there with you]

Yesterday my husband told me that he wasn't attracted to me and maybe if I got breast implants it would help. (I'm 5'6, 135 lbs, reasonably well-maintained after birth of our child, blonde, blue-eyed, yada yada yada. Married 11 years.) Moral? Sometimes men are just asshats.

[ash]

Sometimes I want to sleep with someone else. Sometimes I want to be with someone who has never seen me at my very worst, who doesn't know my every fault. Sex is so much easier when you don't have to be who you really are. Sometimes I am so mean that I cannot look him in the eye later and say something loving even if I feel it, because I have betrayed my best self. I've heard that the reason you love someone is not because of the way you feel about them, but because of the way they make you feel about yourself. He makes me feel like a crazy, stressed-out, controlling maniac. I make him feel like a useless, immature jerk. It's hard to lay in bed next to someone who gives you that mirror, instead of the one I want to look at. All I can think to say to myself is that in some way, my beauty has shifted so that it is deeper, harder to find, and more complicated than the shiny pearl he loved before. And his must be deeper too. It's really easy to be an A student when you haven't any other worries- when life is one big lovefest and it shows on your face. But I'll take a B student anyday, because they have learned to work harder and to expect less praise for the simple effort of showing up. Love and sex are the hardest subjects because I care the most about them, and failure means that nothing else seems right either. I guess it's a good thing I get lots of chances.It's a big risk for me to take,letting myself appear vulnerable.I am a mother, and I must appear strong or this boat sinks. But maybe in one little room with only one other set of eyes I can let my guard down and see what happens. Even if I bite my nails, too, and I bet my feet are dirty.

[Guiltybutdealing]

hi

Im a husband who is having an affair.

it isnt what i want to do..or ever thought id do, but its happened all the same.

Why? It isnt too complicated. Its because , after being treated like the root of all evil and then denied sex for the seven hundredth time, I just lost control of what little sense of honor and dignity I thought i had and aspired too and let the big flashing eyes lure me into doing something I thought was really wrong.

(The alcohol had helped a bit too i guess)

And when I went into the night, feeling like a guilty pig and not able to believe I had such an act of treason in me, I went home.

And I got a call to pick up some groceries.

And I did..the very ones requested.

And I got home..all guilty and miserable..

And I got chewed out on the spot for not picking up the items I hadnt been told to pick up.

And yelled at for the brownies I got because I knew she liked them and I just liked to bring home something nice occasionally. Especially for a wife who had been so unhappy acting.

The last flowers I had brought home were received the same way.

And i realized something.

I had enjoyed having guilty sex a whole lot more than I enjoyed being made to feel like a piece of crap by a shrieking wife who denied me sex for getting her brownies and flowers.

Even with the eventual apologies...

It was still better.

And I felt better about myself in general too..

If my wife ever treats me like the person I try to treat her like, then maybe I won't be trying not to go see my lover anymore.

Maybe I just won't.

in fact I'm sure I won't.

Because she told me she likes to sleep with me because of the way she had heard my wife treating me once..and felt any person deserved to be treated better than that.
And she always gives me advice about how to maybe make my wife happy again.
(SHe's a buddhist, go figure)

I like her a lot...but I love my wife..and waiting for my wife to treat me better is whole lot easier while I have a kind lover to bide the time with.

SIck huh?

[Cecilia]

I have been thinking about you and sending telepathic good karma. I agree with Tracy's comments and it does help make things better. However, it's easy for me to fall back into old habits with my husband. And the yelling thing - when I find some sort of solution I'll pass it on.

[Candy Cook]

I read this today, and thought of your post.
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying,

'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,' said the wife.
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment and said, 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof ....

The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember...Fairies are female.

[Lucie @ Unconventional Origins]

I have been reading your blog for awhile now and I really enjoy it. I think these comments are proof that a lot of people have been where you are right now. I know me and my fiance were there after the baby was born when I was 40lbs heavier and an emotional rollercoatser (note: it will make a fight very very bad if you call your man's mother a whore. Never ever do that, no matter how mad you are and how much you don't mean it).

I hope things get better for you, and I think it takes a lot of bravery to open up the way you do. From your blog I find you to be smart, beautiful, and a good mother and I think things will work out for you.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

I read your post while holding my breath. I am a yeller too, although my husband and I don't fight, per se. We just get moody and ignore each other until we get out of our funk. It's the other side of the coin and not necessarily any healthier for the kids.

I'm going to second the recommendation for counseling, and don't wait for him to join in. Also, after #3 my hormones went WACKY and I seriously thought I was going to go crazy. I talked to a doctor and got a prescription for Zoloft. It sits upstairs in case I decide to take it---somehow knowing I have it helps enough to get by.

One other thing: he needs to stop with the judging and criticizing. What does he care about? Money? Make him pay you $100 every time he says something shitty to you. He has no right to tell you he'd be more affectionate "IF".

Hugs to you. You deserve better.

[bridge]

Here I am with 3 kids, crazy schedules for all of them, quit my job because our family was imploding and my husband makes more money. To top off things, he has been working non-stop for over two months. I never see him, the kids never see him; I do not sleep at night worrying about every other detail of our life except for the work part.

Its times like this that we BOTH fall in love with the person we fell in love with. We long for the safety and comfort of the love we knew all those years ago. We argue, he swears at me, I am short with the kids, I cry out of lonliness and exhaustion. He shuts himself off from obligation or communication.

I can only say that we often find our way back to each other after these phases. I can't say for sure if we always will, but we both have a long way to go in surrendering to what marriage asks of us.

Hugs to you.

[j]

you may be done reading comments about this post - i just wanted to add - get counseling - talk it out - work on it - do something - i'm about 15 years down the road from where you are - i just tried to "suck it up" - now i'm the one that had the affair........ not proud of it - didn't seek it out - never thought it would be me - you don't want your life to go down this road. take care of it now! please!

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Ugh. I think I yelled back then too.

Hence my medication.

Hang in there. It gets better when all of your kids actually sleep through the night.

[Jessica]

I love you.

i have been reading your blog for awhile now.

read the post earlier and didnt know what to say.

[Katie]

If I don't try not to, I yell too.

I think it will make me feel better. I get so upset. I can feel it rising up in me. It seems like I am talking to a wall. Everything is just so overwhelming. If I yell, maybe I will let go a little.

But it NEVER makes me feel better. I always feel worse. Much worse. And so does everyone around me.

So I try. I really really try. Even walk away if I have to. Because whatever it is will pass whether I yell or not...

[Traceytreasure]

Just want to give you a hug.
I've told you before that this is the hardest time for a marriage. Make time for each other that doesn't include the kids. Keep your relationship as strong as you can for your family. I know it's hard, I've been there!
You are stronger than you think you are. You'll get through this! You will! Trust me, okay?

Hugs!!

[Traceytreasure]

Just want to give you a hug.
I've told you before that this is the hardest time for a marriage. Make time for each other that doesn't include the kids. Keep your relationship as strong as you can for your family. I know it's hard, I've been there!
You are stronger than you think you are. You'll get through this! You will! Trust me, okay?

Hugs!!

[Asianmommy]

Sorry you're having a rough time. Marriage & parenthood are a lot harder than I ever imagined. They should have a support group for all of us sleep-deprived, short-fused, stressed-out mommies who yell.

[Christina]

You know what's going on in my life, so you know I understand. We had our first counseling session last night, and I think it went well, even if I cried through half of the session.

If you ever want to chat, I'm always available.

[Mom101]

I think it's good to remember that you might be having an affair with the old him, too. The one who wouldn't make fun of your weight, wouldn't have yelled shut the fuck up, the one who was happy just to be with you no matter what.

I think it's also good to remember that there are so many things about you that are better than the you three years ago. Skinny isn't everything. Your're wiser, more confident, and most important, the mother of his three beautiful children.

This is a spectacular post. My heart goes out.

[Mom101]

I think it's good to remember that you might be having an affair with the old him, too. The one who wouldn't make fun of your weight, wouldn't have yelled shut the fuck up, the one who was happy just to be with you no matter what.

I think it's also good to remember that there are so many things about you that are better than the you three years ago. Skinny isn't everything. Your're wiser, more confident, and most important, the mother of his three beautiful children.

This is a spectacular post. My heart goes out.

[mom, again]

Another pile of support and sympathy, FWIW.

At this point, it sounds like the crucial thing is any help that will allow you to get some sleep.

Get help.
housecleaning help.
laundry help.
childcare help.
marriage counseling help.

Even: stop blogging for a while help. (we'll miss you, but better lose us than lose your marriage. we'll wait. we love you but we don't really count as much as him.)

If I lived near enough, I'd drive down to help you. Truly. I'd iron laundry if that would help. Ironing! I'd do it. For you. (If you promised to go sleep while I was there.)

Bless you.

[meredith]

Hugs to you....

Needless to say..baby #3 was the one that broke the proverbial straw for me and the ex..it's hard. Life is hard and nobody frigging warns you. I honestly believe, to this day that if we had just made it past baby #3's second birthday things might have turned out differently. But they didn't...because he had a real affair..one that made him think he fell in love and wanted out. So, he's out, I'm out, and I don't think either of us is any happier...go figure.

It's hard to erase the habits and the history but trust me..well worth it. You DO NOT want to be the single mother of three..I promise. If I'd only known how hard it would be I may not have yelled so much:(

[Heather, Queen of Shake Shake]

I have no useful or helpful advice, just thoughts and hope for you.

[Jennifer Suarez]

My husband had an actual affair shortly after the birth of my 2nd daughter.

I would have traded an affair "with the old me" any day over his real affair.

It's been almost 2 years since I found out, he stopped talking to(oh and FUCKING her), we went to marriage counseling, and rebuilt our lives together. We are still rebuilding some parts.

Things aren't perfect, but we are still in love, we both realized what we almost lost, and we actually fell back in love with each other. Something I wasn't sure would ever happen again.

I hope that you and your hubby can figure things out and that it never comes to the point of him having an affair with another woman. But... even if it does... know that you aren't alone and it doesn't have to mean your marriage is over either.

(((many heartfelt hugs)))

[Jan]

I'd yell too if I had 3 really little kids, a house and a job to take care of, often while my husband is gone for long periods. I'd yell really loud.

[Tracy]

I went through this too when my middle boy was about 3. My husband and I fought constantly, never touched, never talked. We tried counseling, nothing worked.

I am a big beliver in positive thinking. I know, it sounds all Mary-Poppins-ey, but it has worked for me.

I just started treating him the way I wanted to be treated. I touched him more. When he came home, I hugged, kissed, looked and listened for like 5 mins. Surely, I thought, I can give him 5 mins. That helped beyond belief. So I upped it a notch. I started having more sex. I initiated, even if I didn't really want to do it. I read somewhere that men actually do the best with sex every 3 days or so, so that is what I did. It was miraculous. He helped me with the boys in ways he NEVER did, he volunteered, without being asked to do laundry, give baths, put to bed.

This was before our newest baby, who is now 11 mnths and cosleeping. It is harder, but I just keep reminding him that we can make it back there, to just be patient.

I know how hard it is when you really can't stand the sight of him because you are bone achingly tired and just used up for the day. But I made myself smile and touch. It keep us out of divorce.

Good luck and happy thoughts your way.

[Lisa]

Maybe the old you didn't yell, but the old him didn't make you want to. You've both changed. Marriage and parenthood do that. If he expects you to be the same person you were, then he doesn't realize he's not the same person either. Maybe you both need to find the new way to communicate with each other.

[Courtney]

Oh how i can relate to this but i think it is me having an affair with the old me instead of my husband. I can sympathize with you on how you could never compete with that bitch though lol. I am no where near who i was 4 years ago but i like the new me better. I hope things can get worked out with you and hubby. I know i yell alot too and hubby and i talk about it but sometimes you just have to yell. Maybe if men werent such idiots sometimes we wouldnt yell.

[LiteralDan]

I'm sorry I don't have any useful advice, just support and sympathy. Without cheapening your troubles, I think this is a common problem, but that doesn't make dealing with it any easier.

I think you guys will sort this out and then move on with a new understanding of each other, with the first step being this discussion, and the second (big) step being your writing this out and his reading it.

Good luck, and remember to stop once in awhile to breathe in some peaceful air and breathe out the stress and frustration.

[usedtobeme]

I so could have written this. I'm sorry you're going through it and I have no words of wisdom for you. xoxo Me

[Red Cup Mom]

I think we all loved our old selves before the kids came along too. Being a mommy is hard.

You put in words how I feel too. Kudos to you for sharing.

[OHmommy]

yeah... i feel the same way.

[hoppytoddle]

You know you're not alone. I've read your blog for a while & liked what you've written, but I never really felt like I had s much in common with you as I do now.

I feel like it's a little cliche to say, but I can't help it. I feel like it might help you, so I'll throw it out there. When you love someone, you have to love all of them, the good & the bad. You can't pick which parts. Read that to The Huz, too.

[csuebee]

wow. i sympathize with you and the intensity of your emotions and your ability to relay things honestly. you are strong, and interesting, and brave.

i don't want to be an armchair judger, so pls don't take what i am about to say that way. i can completely see what you are saying, and i can also see what your husband is saying. yes, you are going through a lot that he may not be able to see or acknowledge, but so is he. yelling can be abusive. i know you apologize for it, but it's not really an excuse. just like if a man hits his wife, but says he's sorry every time, it's still not ok for him to hit his wife, and it does not take away the hurt that the hitting does.

if you deal with anger and sadness and frustration by yelling, it is understandable, but it is clear that it's also impacting you and your husband in a negative way. that's not what you want. you want connection. i can see how yelling would erode his desire to reach towards you bec intermittent episodes of closeness and yelling make the closeness feel false or confusing, and hurt all the more.

i am thinking about you and hoping that you two can work on this. everyone says this, but man, a good counselor can help. my huz and i go for tune-ups now and then and it has been such a blessing.

sending love your way.

[Lauren]

I so hear you. I do not understand what is so hard for them to understand. I often feel that they think once the baby comes their life should not change. They can not understandy why you aren't back to your normal self once the baby is born.

[Jessica]

Are you me?

This is my life, with fewer children and responsibilities. While I'm sorry for both of us, I'm thrilled to know that this has not only happened to me. I'm not bold enough to blog about it, yet...I admire you for sharing. Fantastic post; keep up the good work.

Just call me another 'Yeller'.

[Pop Discourse]

Big hugs to you. And I know how hard, frustrating [insert adjective du jour] this is. Hang in there, and if you have the means, consider a therapist. God knows where J. and I would be now had we not lucked into an excellent one... xo

[MommyNamedApril]

i'm so sorry. we went through a phase like that in our marriage (3 years) when i worked at a job that made me a not very nice person. he was constantly telling me i wasn't the person he married. it finally got better after i quit working, but now we're full of tension because we have no money.

at least i got one good year.

i really hope things get better soon for you. marriage is tough. really tough. but i think it's worth the struggles. i think.

[jodifur]

Wow, I also just wrote a post on how hard marriage is based on a conversation I had with two other bloggers. Is it in the water?

Can you get out, just the two of you? Do you have a sitter you trust? Because really, I think that makes all the difference.

[beth]

And this time of year makes it no easier. I have nothing profound to say, wish I did. It just sucks.

[Amber Stubbs]

My husband is having and affair, too. With his fucking hand! He'd rather jack off in the shower than make love to me. I tell him how bad it makes me feel and that I hate it and that I wish he'd come to me for ALL of his sex needs but...he still jacks it all the damn time.
Maybe I should start yelling.

[goodfather]

Can I say anything? I don't think so. Being a guy and all. I strongly recommend getting some kind of counseling...? Unless you don't want to hear that, in which case I didn't say anything.

It's heartbreaking to be in a bad place in your marriage. This I know.

[Stimey]

Really honest and powerful. Marriage is hard. Really, really hard. You're not alone.

[Miss Grace]

Kids change marriages. I think you two will learn to communicate again.

[Michelle]

Hi just found your blog havn't read to much but wanted to say hello and a hearty amen to the changes that parenthood brings into a marriage.
Shelly

[Zip n Tizzy]

You both have really stressful jobs, and I suspect he feels that his home should be the place to go to unwind.
Sorry, not now!
I second a lot of what everyone else is saying, I think counseling could be helpful at this point. I also understand if that seems like the last possible thing you could fit into your schedules.
From an outside perspective, it just seems like you both haven't had a break since you met! Didn't you get pregnant for Quinlan in the beginning of your relationship? Forgive me if I'm wrong.
If you could find someone to mediate, I think you both would feel more validated, just make sure neither one of you go in with the intent to try and get the mediator to choose sides. You both need a place to tell your story, and someone to offer tools to help your marriage.
I'm sure with flying being what it is today, he feels he never gets a break. He does have a hotel room to retreat to however, and he needs to start looking at that as his break rather than home.
I'm not sure where your break is. I wouldn't suggest you stop working, as you've worked too hard to create the position you are in, but what about getting a housecleaner or a little more daycare? If it's about allowing yourself not to have to do it all... it would be money well spent. You're superwoman, but you're also only human, and you have oh so many balls in the air. If the money's just not there, I get that too,
Sometimes there is no lee-way. If that's the case, then I can only say hang in there. It's very hard to do what both of you are doing. You're yelling, he's witholding... but both of you just really need to be heard.

[Theresa]

I understand. On all accounts. I yell. A lot. I am getting better as I (and husband) has brought it to my attention. My dad aka abusive jerk was a yeller. I so don't want my kids to grow up with that. It is hard.

[Kristy]

Great post! I wish I could just snap my fingers and be the old me again sometimes!

[Krystal]

Kristen,

All I can say is that I know where you are at. Except instead of losing the weight, I am being told to keep it on and being barked at because I lose it because I am too busy and don't have time to eat and because I am not always in the mood because I am tired.

I too "yell" and have an attitude that I cannot change or in his eyes, have not been able to change.

Even after 6 kids, he still wants me to be and act like I did when we were dating.

All I can say is that you are doing your best with all that you have and all that you are responsible for.

Nothing else to say on this issue because I cannot even help myself out on it.

Just lots of hugs and understanding to go around.

[Chicky Chicky Baby]

No assvice or armchair psychotherapy from me. But if you ever feel the need, I have some great ass-kicking boots if you want to borrow them. Anytime.

xoxo

[Vicky from Secret Mom Thoughts]

Ugh it is too hard to compete our old selves before kids. People change and grow. And sometimes yell. I yell and I hate it. Hope things get better.

[Karen]

Umm, you really shouldn't have to compete with the old you. YOU are the same person....the one who gave birth to and is raising his three children, running various business' and trying to maintain a decent sex life with him. If that doesn't strike up love and affection, I don't know what would. These are HIS issues, not yours. Just remember -that-.

[Lori]

Kristen,
Such powerful writing! When I became a mom, I was shocked at the grieving process that I went through. I missed who I was (mentally and physically) and what my marriage had been. I finally sat down and wrote out all the many losses that came with becoming a mom (there were at least 25 things). It helped put my sadness/yelling in perspective. Eventually I was able to look at what I had gained, but until I sat with the pain for a good long time, I couldn't find the happiness. Not many people allow the hubby to acknowledge all of his losses as well - and there are many for him. Talk it out - maybe with a third party? You'll find your marriage is stronger than you think. Good luck! I applaud you for putting this out there!

[Anissa@Hope4Peyton]

Just remember, he's not the old him either. Maybe it's that the NOW-you makes him look at the NOW-him and that's what frustrates him.

It's always easier to place the blame, you know?

Be kind to yourself.

[jenni]

I yell too. I hate it.

[Jessica]

I'm so sorry you are at this place in your marriage. It is so hard!

We have a four-year-old, and I am eight months pregnant and SO TIRED. Last night, as I was in the middle of folding my THIRD load of laundry and putting it away (after working a full day in the office), my husband started to get on my case because our son was still awake and it was past his bedtime. Apparently, I am the only person qualified to help the kid brush his teeth and get changed for bed. This has happened over and over again, with the hubby either watching TV or "working" (ha!) on the computer during the time that our son SHOULD be getting ready for bed but ISN'T because I'm still trying to clean the kitchen, do laundry, pay bills, sort mail, and/or prepare for a court appearance the next morning.

All of this, of course, makes me feel overworked, underappreciated, and totally willing to yell at anyone and everyone who pushes my buttons in any way (with my son unfortunately being on the receiving end of a lot of it, even though it's totally not his fault). Fortunately, there are a couple of things I've found that really help, if I remember to do them:

1. I nicely ask my husband to do really specific things, without getting mad or placing blame. I have to remind myself constantly that he apparently doesn't have the same priorities that I do, and that if I want him to do something, I need to ask. So, whenever I feel like I need to be doing several things at once, but I can't, and it's making me crazy, I ask him to do one of the things. Last night, I should have said, "Honey, I feel like this laundry needs to get folded and put away, but we also need to get J on the road to bed. Can you do one or the other, please?" Of course, he might say that he can't right then or is working or whatever, but then I feel like at least we're having a conversation about what is making me feel crazy, rather than me just going crazy internally and becoming a ticking time bomb who will explode at the least provocation. And if I've asked him to do it, and he has refused, then he can't very well come back at me later and whine about the laundry being in the middle of the bed - he knows darn good and well why it's there, and he has just as much ability to deal with it as I do (actually, more, since he doesn't have Braxton-Hicks contractions and raging back and hip pain to deal with).

2. I try not to bring up the things that are my pet peeves, because they just lead to screaming fights over basically nothing. So, if he leaves dirty dishes in the sink rather than putting them directly into the dishwasher, I don't say anything about it. But I also don't do anything about it - I don't remove them from the sink myself, I just let them sit there. And then eventually, one of two things happens - he either gathers up all of the dirty dishes he has put in the sink and puts them in the dishwasher, or I resort to Rule #1 above and ask him nicely to load and run the dishwasher (without saying anything about the fact that he is responsible for the sink being full of dirty dishes). I guess part of this rule is also making myself let go of the idea that if there is a mess, I should pick it up. Instead, I'm transitioning more to the idea that any mess made by anyone else can be left to be cleaned up by that person. Sometimes, I might have to ask the person to clean it up, and in my son's case, I will probably have to help him do it, but I am not going to just silently go around picking up after everyone else and get no recognition for doing it. And again, my husband can't very well get on my case for the sink being full of dirty dishes if he is the one who put them there.

Basically, I've found that it helps a lot just to say out loud to my husband that I feel like I'm working really hard and trying my best, and it would really make things easier for me if he would do some particular thing. (It doesn't work to tell him generally that I need "help," because I honestly think he has trouble figuring out what to do that I would find helpful.) I also find that it helps a lot if I remind myself to give him the benefit of the doubt - to recognize that he works hard too, that he is trying (and he usually is, so that helps), and that he is not a mind reader, so I shouldn't get angry at him for not anticipating my needs and priorities (as obvious as I might think they are).

[Rhiannon Huang]

Oh boy I can soooo relate to this...I just had another baby as well, and I can tell you this, the yelling has gotten waaaaay bad....

[mothergoosemouse]

In many ways, I miss who I used to be too.

But what's more important, I don't want to be my husband's parents in 25 years.

[Naomi]

Exactly. Exactly.

Now where do we go from here, now that we've pegged the problem?

[Lisa]

Wow.

[anita doberman]

Thinking of you .....and sending you happy thoughts
should I come to visit you with some strong Tequila? Better, yet some wine from Italy :)

[Heidi]

Oh, man. Marriage counseling totally sucks and is way hard to schedule when you've got three kids, but sounds like you might find some help there.

I'll admit I do miss my old, pre-kid self. I didn't even have a hot ass before they came and I still miss her.

I hope you (and your huz) can also appreciate how miraculous the new you is: keeping people ALIVE with your BEWBS! (When you really think about it, that's like a super-power or something!) Plus everything you listed: juggling three kiddos, having a clean kitchen (we saw the pics, no faking us out!), writing beautiful posts like this one...

Maybe he needs a reality check, like a full day home along with the kids to REALLY appreciate what it is you do.

I don't know. Marriage is hard and tricky. I wish you the best and I'm thankful that you're honest and brave enough to share your story.

[Martha]

I am in the same situation. I've been married for 4 years and have a two year old and a 5 month old. Everything I do is wrong. I "make" him mean to me... I slam doors and he says he will leave me if I ever do it again. I feel lost.

[Heather]

Oh do I ever know how this goes. le sigh. *hugs*

[The Other Sister-in-Law]

I'd like to see him try to do what you do everyday for one week. I think it would give him a new appreciation for your life and the stress you must go though.

I wish I could help. The only advice I have is to perhaps seek out a marriage counselor, or at least someone impartial that can help you both see what they other goes through, and find ways to help each other rather than hurt. And maybe it will help him to understand better when you do yell, and it'll help you to have cause to yell less.

Hope it gets better.

[S_girls_Mom]

I feel for you and I thank you for being so eloquent. There are a lot of great comments with great advice. I personally think the hardest part of motherhood is keeping your marriage healthy and relatively happy. It's the best gift that I think I can give my kids, but it's hard especially since I didn't have the model myself. It's hard to be vulnerable to my husband and to keep our relationship alive physically (mainly for him) and emotionally (mainly for me), but the damage and distance that happens if I don't do it is hard to repair. I've forced myself to become a good communicator (read: do everything I can to not be defensive or be very specific about confrontation) which helps a lot. I let him know that "a talk" is coming so he can mentally prepare for it because if I'm emotional when we start the conversation it just doesn't go well.

I hope this helps...

[amy]

F that noise! He wants you to stop yelling he needs to give you a break. You need a break and you need a pat on the back from him.

A thankless marrige is why your yelling. You need some love and attention for all that you do.

[Nicole]

wow. I cannot believe reading this. I have read your blog for about a month or so.. I never read the "hitting yourself" post before, but wish I have. You have described me, and my relationship with my husband who also thinks I do nothing but yell-about nothing. I cannot believe I just read this from you, I felt like I was reading my own writing, thank you.

[mrs.chicken]

I had this same argument last night. And I came to the same conclusion.

Thinking of you. And hoping it gets better, for both of us.

[Issa]

Oh Kristen, I'm so sorry. The sad thing is, none of us can compare with the us before kids. It's just not humanly possible. Well, unless you are one of those ladies on the "real" housewives of the OC or something. Kids change us, it's biological. They are supposed to change our husbands too. It's part of growing up, realizing the whole world isn't about you anymore. That these little people are here and it's our job to take care of them, to help them become good people. On purpose or not, he helped create them and now he should change too. But not all men do. Because, well I'm not exactly sure why. Hell, I'm still waiting for my dad to get it and he's 57 years old.

The yelling, dude I do it too. We all do it. Because raising short dictators is frustrating. But if he was doing what he should do, for you and your kids, maybe you'd rarely need to yell.

I know we don't know each other. But I've been reading here for years. You are a good mother, a good person and whether he thinks it or not, a good wife. You've given and given and given some more. This is on him, not on you.

Hugs to you. I hope you guys can work this out.

[Lee-Ann]

You wrote my story. Currently in the middle of a crisis. Only this time I am not taking his expectations and making them mine. I will not live with the shame of thinking I am not good enough. I am good enough - for me - and that's all that matters.

AND SO ARE YOU. (But you know this already, don't you?)

[Surrender Dorothy's Husband]

I read your blog occaisionally based on what my lovely wife has told me about you guys. I would love to comment about your situation, but this isn't the right forum for that. Let's just put it this way - there are more than a few reasons why she and I are "re-connecting" again after 10 years of our relationship (7 of them being married). Not all of which were because of me. Yet your story is very familiar. Feel free to email her if you want a tip or two. Don't be afraid for both of you to seek a little extra help. We did. You might be surprised at how good your relationship actually is.

[April]

I've stalked you for a while but don't think I have ever commented. I just wanted to say, my Mom gave me the best advise I have ever gotten when my husband and I were going through some bad times. She said, "When we have relationship problems, it's never just one persons fault. You can't change him. You can only change yourself. Become a better person and maybe he will do so also." She was so right. I really worked on being the person I knew I should and wanted to be and in turn, he became the man I wanted him to be without me saying/nagging/yelling at him. I hope it get's better.

[Backpacking Dad]

The "you yell too much" line isn't true. That isn't what's keeping him from being affectionate. And never for a second think that it's about making sure you keep the weight off or grow your nails out. Those are JUSTIFICATIONS for him acting the way he does, after the fact, but aren't REASONS for him to do it. That is, they aren't motivating, they are salving.

Either the yelling is warranted, in which case it can be accepted as a response, or it isn't, in which case it can be dismissed as non-rational and therefore NOT ABOUT HIM and so have NO EFFECT ON HIM OR HIS SELF-ESTEEM or how he feels about you. Because the only way that kind of yelling, the non-rational kind, can make him feel about you, the only lesson it can teach him about you is that you sometimes yell without reason. And it doesn't cost anything to put up with that. So there's something beyond the yelling; there's something other than just "you aren't like you used to be".

Maybe he isn't like he used to be. Maybe he doesn't like who he is now, and he can't see it.

All of this is speculation. I'm not in his head. Just in mine.

[Amy @ Taste Like Crazy]

Ah, dude. Pretty amazing how many people feel exactly the same way, isn't it?

I can't help but wonder if this isn't a feeling that everyone gets at some point in their marriage?

You would think it is since so many people can obviously empathize with you.

Then again, maybe there are just a lot of douche bag husbands out there.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this right now. You may hollar but that doesn't excuse him being a frigid dick. If he's resorted to tit for tat bullshit then something bigger is brewing. I hope that you guys can work this out if that's what you want. I hate to see you hurting whatever you choose.

[Vicky]

Oh Kristen. What a post. Just five seconds before I read this I was putting away laundry and going through my husbands draws to find "evidence" of an affair. Now you really have me thinking. Just last night I asked him why he can't look me in the eye anymore and why everything I do seems wrong. He had no answer.

I feel for you and know just what you are going through. I'm a yeller too and I got called a bitch last night because I was sick of getting up a million times a night while someone else snoozes through 8 hours of sleep.

I hope things get better. I hope today is a better day for you. I wish I could help or at least sit you down with a giant glass of wine.

Take care.

[Hilly]

I've never had any kids so I won't pretend to know about the struggles of parenting and the stress that it can put on someone. I do know what it's like to put on weight, take it off, put it on, and the vicious cycle that continues yearly. I know what it is like to bend yourself in every direction in order to keep someone's love, to be who they need you to be.

I would have reacted the same way you did when I walked out of the room. If you change the one thing "for a good start" what WILL be next? What hoops do only you have to jump through and is he willing to jump through any?

I am so sorry that you are feeling this. Lots of love from someone who understands the relationship side of this all too well.

[Sprinkle]

Sigh. All of the above. Same accusations of my yelling, his swearing (someone else mentioned) suspicions of affairs, covering up smoking, women and who knows what as I juggle home job and baby... I'm really thinking of establishing an all-women's colony where men show up by invitation only and their presence is conditional on them being in perfect shape, best behaviour and that they'll leave again on command.

[Angela]

Wow, what a powerful post. You really got me thinking.

My husband came from a family that used a lot of sarcastic humor. I came from a family where sarcasm was used only by my father, and only to hurt. Early on in our relationship, my husband would use sarcasm and probably didn't think anything of it, but it killed me a little each time. We had a talk about it and he really tried to curb it. Now he rarely uses it, and it only takes a small reminder to get him to apologize.

I think some people are yellers, maybe because their family were yellers. And some people aren't, or they came from a family where it was used hurtfully.

But while you could probably work on the yelling (especially since you say it makes you feel bad) he needs to work on his communication skills. There's a huge difference between "Your yelling makes me not want you" and "I feel hurt when you raise your voice at me in anger."

Oh, and apologizing is so important. That you had to extract one from him for cursing at you isn't cool at all. He needs to work on that too.

Hold on there, and if you possibly could both go see someone to help work this out, it would be so worth it.

[Miguelina]

I miss the old me too.

Big hugs to you.

[Coma Girl]

I'm not sure if any of us can compete with our old 'no kids, no worries' self. I know I can't.

I yell too. If I didn't, I'd probably beat the shit out of him.

[Glamour Girl]

My God. I feel like I just read the outline of my life for the past 3 1/2 years. I'm emerging from the darkness - the hell. The only thing that saved my marriage, that turned him around was me on the verge of leaving him. And the fact he thought I was having an affair. Suddenly I turned the tables and was SHOCKED to see the eager results.
I think men like ours see us leaving as money walking out of their hands. They see having to take care of the kids themselves over a couple of weekends/weeks a year. They envision shopping themselves, doing their own laundry. Only at this time do you have power. And only at this time can you demand (and get) the respect you deserve.
AND at this time it is important to drag their asses to therapy. Have them choose who. Then I PROMISE the therapist will nail him to the wall and it will start the healing process for both of you.
Your husband is as out of control as mine was. It is not healthy for you OR your children my dear.
My husband told me to stop acting like a bitch one night in front of my daughter when I was pregnant with the second. The next night my tiny child (who was under 2 years of age) asked him to "Please don't make mama cry tonight... I love her". I realized then that staying with him may do more harm than good.
Come read through some of my posts when you have time. You will see starting with October 2007 - I woke up. The next 12 months were my adjustment period (and his). Today we are making it and he acts as if he couldn't love me more.
God I feel for you. I would love to know more...like what he was like before? Do you think he can become that person again? Do you even care at this point?
My advice - go see a divorce attorney. Find out your rights. I think you will be SHOCKED. That knowledge will be power in your back pocket (just don't tell him you are going or that you have gone....) Start there - please do it for yourself. I think when you find how many rights you have - you'll likely realize that YOU hold the cards, not him.

[fidget]

see, here is where he needs to grow the fuck up. yeah, life changes things, people evolve, fat migrates around and people sometimes yell.

[Anonymous]

This was a great post. You put into words what so many women feel. My husband and I have had the same conversation about how he misses the person I was when we were dating. The truth is, I don't miss her. I really like who I am becoming, full of experience and wisdom. I don't want to be the silly, care free college girl anymore. The amazing thing I'm realizing is the more comfortable I am with the new me...the easier it is for me to open up and share "the new me" with my husband. It seems the more I open up and share the more he appreciates and loves the new me.

Anyway, I think you are doing an amazing job raising those three beautiful children. I think the love, patience and devotion that you give those kids far outweighs anything.

[Ginn]

It sounds like he needs to get his act together. You yell? SO WHAT? LOOK at what you've been dealing with. Granted, kids are amazing, but honestly, how would he feel if he'd been yo-yoing with HIS weight, if he'd been pregnant and such and ...OMG. MEN!

Until they can pop a baby out of their dicks, or until they bleed for a week per month, they can shove it.

I'm sorry. I know marriages go through tough times.. growing up, my parents were NOT happy. It sounds though like your guy just isn't open to looking past the "yelling", and it may just be an excuse to avoid deeper convo. Don't lose hope.

[Valeta]

Me too.

[J from Ireland]

So sorry hon, your so right its too hard to compete with our new selves. Best Wishes.

[TheYoungMother]

I have tears in my eyes just reading this. Three Months pregnant, barely 6 months married, and I thought my hubby was cheating on me too. Until this day, I still don't know if he was, but her phone calls @ 3:00 am in the morning sure hinted it off. I know what your going through, and just know you are not alone. Regardless if you yell or not, I'm sure that he has plenty of issues your not to fond of either. Do NOT blame yourself. God Bless you in your time of need. ::hugs:: If you ever need to talk, I'll be here.

[medo]

I've been reading your blog for quite awhile now. Most of what you write hits very close to home for me, but this is the first time I've commented. I am in a very similar situation with my husband, but his affair is with alcohol. We have two sons (4yrs & 2 yrs) and are trying to make things work, but I'm not sure that it will. I too am a yeller. Everything you said about yelling is spot on for me. I yell at my kids and feel awful. I apologize and try to do better later. I yell at my husband as well...a lot.

I didn't mean to ramble on so long. I just wanted to thank you for saying what I feel and can't put into words, and to let you know that you're not alone.

[mannequin]

Oh gawd... I looked in the mirror the other day and couldn't figure out who looked worse, him or I.
I think he does truthfully.

Been there, done that. My ex insisted on using my child as a mediator and I put an end to that real quick!

I'm so glad I found your blog. A woman of my own heart.

[Redneck Mommy]

I have nothing. Wow.

But an all too familiar memory of my hubs and my own marriage in a similar state once upon a time.

It passed. We worked through it. I'm not quite sure how. Because I wanted to murder him most of the time.

Hugs my friend.

If it helps *I* totally wouldn't kick you out of my bed for eating cookies and leaving crumbs. AND you could yell at me all you want.

I like it kinky. Wink.

[Must Be Motherhood]

When I'm yelling I'm often thinking, "I never yelled before I had a toddler, and I never fought with my husband. Oh, and there used to be sex. And hugs."
And I get SO angry. So I'm not surprised that it makes the husbands withdraw and get angry too, especially since they don't have the same physical/emotional connection to the babies to offset the anger.
And god, it's hard, but it's also kind of temporary (only a few REALLY sleep-deprived years, right?), and both sides owe it to the other to be patient and to talk talk talk about it.
Tell him and yourself that you miss the old you too, but the new you is SO much wiser and SO much stronger. And that's sexy. And worth waiting for.

[Jo]

Dear lord Jesus of Holy Spit, that's EXACTLY how I feel sometimes (military husband and all). A night out is pretty much impossible for me so I put the baby down,I play a movie for the toddler and I take a scorching hot shower. Then I put on sexy underwear (fuck the cellulite and stretchmarks),a cute outfit, a little makeup and actually blow dry my hair. (superspeed, before the needy goblins come to suck me up again) Then when he comes home I ignore him and I try to get into the mode of the awesome woman I was before all this happened and on that day, I feel a little like myself again, and I don't yell.

[McMama]

I am a yeller and I hate it. I'm surprised my husband hasn't left me yet because I sound just like my mother and he doesn't exactly love her.

You have so much on your plate, I feel like I have nothing to complain (and yell) about! There's no doubt that marriage and a family changes us.

[Lori]

Me too. I need to work on not yelling so much too. I just don't know how, though, with all the bills to pay, housework to do, low productivity at work, the holidays, etc. I wish I could be the old me too. Instead I feel like I'm justed pissed off all the time, trying to make a point, or get someone to do something that they don't want to do...