Motherhood Uncensored

Where Comedians Go to Die

Of all the things about new motherhood those damn books try to tell you, they fail to warn you about the lack of quality television at 2am. It's not such a big deal to watch some ridiculous Hallmark Made-for-TV special on Lifetime.

But when you're so tired and vulnerable that you're sucked into the damn infomercials, so much so that you can totally rationalize your need for a bullet blender thing, then something needs to be done.

Of course, then I would never have discovered that Family Feud is still on television, except now hosted by the guy who played Elaine's boss at the catalog on Seinfeld. (I realize he has a real name but that's the only way I can remember him).

Seriously, hasn't every single reject comedian hosted that show?

So, I'm a game show addict, particularly $100,000 Pyramid - seriously. I love the marathons. Share your game show memories (c'mon, I know you have your closet faves) as part of the PBN blog blast (visit the blog for details on how to enter) and you might win a $400 shopping spree from Oliebollen.com, one of my favorite shops (truly) even though they are located in the town of my grad school rival. You know, that OTHER Michigan university.

All in the Name of Research

If you follow me on twitter, then you know I've been drilling people for their favorite sex scenes from a movie, hot and sexy books not found in the "X-rated" section at the bookstore, and their experiences with online dating services.

No, I'm not leaving my husband. I'm writing a book. And frorm my requests, I'm guessing you can figure out what it's about.

So, I'd love to know your feedback, in comments or email, about the following:

1) Best "would make me want to have sex with my spouse" scenes in a movie (preferably ones that do not include Glenn Close, Michael Douglas, or Kathleen Turner). I also ruled out Wild Things.

Here's what people have mentiioned so far. Feel free to agree or disagree if you can't think of new ones:

9 1/2 Weeks, Lust, Body Heat, Top Gun (my personal fave), The Notebook, Atonement (yum), Original Sin, Tie Me Up Tie Me Down, Thomas Crown Affair, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Unfaithful, Cold Mountain, Unbearable Lightness of Being.

2) Best "I'm on bedrest so I can only read about sex" books -- preferably books not considered "romance novels" - although I'm including a Michael Vartan calendar since that's about what I can handle reading these days.

Here's what people have suggested:

Anais Nin, Sookie Sackhouse, Laurell K Hamiltons Merry Gentry or Anita Blake

3) Your experience with any online dating services (i.e. Cupid, Match, Yahoo, E-Harmony). I'm trying to get a sense of the differences between pay and free, as well as the small or big nuances that might set each apart.

*Edited to add: Other than the whole "Match = Hookup and eHarmony = Relationship" (which is sort of subjective), can anyone comment on the overall set up differences, etc.?

So, suggest away!

Etiquette, Bitch - The Poopy Diaper at the Gym Kid's Room

We're fortunate to pay way too much in homeowner's association fees for a mini-gym in our neighborhood with a small kid's room situated right in front of the eliptical machines. I know this not because I'm working out again (haha) but because the huz takes my older kids almost every afternoon to give me a little work time while he trims his already thin waistline.

Most of the time, he returns with an uneventful report of Drew trying to walk backwards on the treadmill and juggle the 3lb weights.

But yesterday, the huz reported that a mom with her two kids came in, propped up the baby gate to keep her toddler (and mine, apparently) confined to the room, and started on her merry walk to nowhere. That was until a poop smell wofted through the small workout area.

Keep in mind, the huz's nickname is "The Nose," not only because it's fairly prominent (remember?) but also because he has bionic senses that can sniff out every single person you've come in contact with for that day. It's pretty scary.

So whether the poop was a distant scent or the "strong stench" that he swears it was, he immediately hopped off his machine to make sure it wasn't Drew. After watching my husband do the "butt sniff" she said "Oh, it's probably mine" and so he went back to working out, assuming that the mom would probably hop down, change her kid's diaper, and go back to walking.

But she didn't.

And so he ran a little longer. And pumped some iron. And smelled more poop.

And which point he decided that Drew didn't need to be confined in a room with stinky shit and neither did he, so he left - his workout incomplete, his senses completely and utterly violated, and his sympathy for the poor child who had to sit, stand, and play in his poop clearly noted.

Now, even though I have three children and you'd think that would indicate some level of experience and wisdom, I've been left in various situations without diapers or wipes, sometimes both. But I can't say I'd just let my kid's shit smell take over a small confined space and not do something.

You know, like open a window, spray some Glade, or um, leave.

For more of the Etiquette, Bitch's escapades, check out Baby on the Bar. Credit to Mom-101.

Motrin Moms - Now With Bigger Boobs

Remember When My Back Was Hurting From My Schwing, er Sling? Apparently I Needed a Motrin.

[We apparently gave Motrin a headache (heh c'mon, it's funny!) and so they took the ad down but if you want to see what all the hullabaloo is about, you can find it here]

So apparently Motrin was trying to get cool with moms by empathizing with their pain from sling wearing. Because we moms carry our babies to look fucking fashionable and suck up the gutwrenching aches because we want to look like moms.

I'm pretty sure the rolly belly, bad hair, gigantic ass, drool stains, poopy diapers, and three screaming children make me look like a mom just fine.

No clearly those 20-something year old ad execs who created this ad needed to do a bit more research. Too bad many of these agencies inch out their colleagues-turned-moms who can't hack the 80 + hour work weeks because they actually want to see their kids before they grow up. Had they actually hired a few moms, I'm pretty sure this ad would have stopped in the board room phase before it even got legs.

But alas, these smarties hired a hipster-slash-valley girl to tell us that moms wear their babies because it looks good, and we just deal with the pain because that's what we silly mommies do.

To be official and all.

So, dear Taxi (the ad agency that was responsible for this beauty), if you're going to do an ad about moms and pain, why not try childbirth? Because if my stitched up Frankengina doesn't make me look like a tired and crazy "Official Mom," then I'm not sure what will.

I guess that wouldn't get as many giggles as those crazy babywearing moms. But it would be a good way to sell people on Motrin, and not Advil.