If Only My Lap Was as Big as My Heart

My son has taken to harrassing my computer to get my attention. With sick kids and husband, that meant no sitter, extremely tired mommy who fell asleep at 9pm, and work (crazy, busy work) in between making dinner and doing laundry loads.

Holy mother of laundry.

Not surprisingly, his kicks and scratches at my computer screen irritate me, and I pick myself up from my work, drag him to the corner, and threaten to take away his beloved hammer if he moves. And then I feel absolutely terrible and cuddle him as long as he can stand it.

It's become a daily ritual in our relationship. More like a bad habit.

This is not only the challenge of two kids under two (and three under four), but also the nature of my newborn who enjoys the sling over any expensive piece of baby gear crowding my living room. Most of all, I think it has to do with the personality of my loving, cuddly, and vibrant son (read: clingy, grabby, and crazy) who cannot occupy himself for longer than three minutes. And that was when he was pulling apart my kitchen cabinets.

Yo Gabba Gabba got me a solid two minutes and then even the bouncing one-eyed red thing got old. My husband says he likes the Wiggles but I have yet to actually observe this Christmas miracle.

He says "Look Mom, Look Mom" every other minute, displaying his amazing skill at dumping out the lego bin, knocking down Quinlan's block creations, and attempting to mop his little sister's head. The more I tell him to stop doing something, the more he does it; partly his age, partly my parental neglect.

The truth is, I really miss my kids. I do what I can to read the bedtime stories, and dote on them, even if it is to the tune of a screaming baby left abandoned on the bed for a few minutes. But even then it's hard to leave the crying one to tend to another. It's hard to put one down to pick another one up.

I know it is enough, or at least, it will have to be for now.

But I hope they know that I hold them all tightly together in my heart. Even if I can't fit them all on my lap.

Comments

[Amanda]

They do come to understand (and resent) that which takes your attention. I have found that unexpected unplugging leads to unprecedented recharging. Good luck. And, um, fuck the laundry and go in pjs for a day or two.

[Angie]

I know how you feel. Kind of like a pimple that's being popped. It does get better, especially when a certain high maintenance baby gets a little more independent. They are beautiful. That sure goes a long way at this stage.

[psumommy]

i'm right there with you...i'm typing now while holding my 2 month old. she's my 4th, and i had just barely gotten over completely overwhelmed by my 3rd (who was born 19 months after my 2nd). i miss my kids, too, and i'm sure my kids miss a mommy who isn't frowning and yelling all of the time (because that's what i do when i'm tired and cranky).

i wish i could give you advice about your most-recently-the-youngest, but i still haven't figured it out beyond just doing the bare minimum of motherhood (kids dressed, fed and alive at the end of the day? fantastic!) until i'm in a better place.

[erin]

I experienced the same thing. I was a well seasoned parent of two and doing fine. That third one came along and picked me up and tossed me over the edge of the proverbial cliff. Now that they are 9, 7 and 4 I am feeling a little more balanced but that first year I was crazy. It'll get better...little by little. Promise.

[becky]

I feel exactly how you do right now! I just hope my 2yr old doesnt remember feeling left out while Im tending to his baby sister. Its so hard!

[abbyjess]

Things will get better. They have to. You're a wonderful mommy for even trying to hold it all together.

The children in that pic look healthy, happy, and loved and that's because of you.

[Amy- playhereoften.com]

I have recently discovered Hi-5 for my four year old...if he kinda likes the Wiggles he would probably love Hi-5. It is on video at our library. I "may" have all three different copies checked out right now. It is also on Discovery Kids.

[mothergoosemouse]

I swear to you it gets easier to rotate attention among the three of them.

But then again, I'm typing this with my middle child standing on the chair in which I'm sitting, whacking at my head with a hair brush ("I make it PRETTY, Mommy!).

[Baby Bunching]

Thanks for the Baby Bunching shout out. : ) I feel your pain on this. When my second baby was born 17 months after the first, there was not one activity (not even TV) that would occupy my oldest for longer than two seconds. Fast forward three years - my two oldest are now 3 and 4 and my screaming, refluxey mess of an infant is 4 months and I really miss my big kids - it seems like every interaction I have with them these days involves screaming at them to be quiet or go play so that I can deal with the baby. On the bright side, having been on the other side of the Baby Bunching deal, I know that things will start to calm down when the youngest of your bunch turns 18 months and by the time your youngest is 3, it will be smooth sailing. 3 years isn't that long, right? ; )

[MommyNamedApril]

i feel your pain -sort of- mine are 15mo apart. and we're ttc again. sometimes it feels like you're abandoning one for the other. but you're not. it just feels that way. which sucks. because really, perception is reality. sorry, that was depressing.

[Heather]

I understand. My three aren't as young as your three but I still feel like I'm short-changing someone all the time. But I do think that sometimes I get to be the one who gets tended to by me.

[mom, again]

aah! yes, this is when the middle child neurosis starts!

[Julianne]

It is enough and don't worry too much about the threats. He won't remember them in six months anyway.

[Courtney]

They are adorable and i am sure they know how much mommy loves them. Its hard out there for a mommy!

[goodfather]

Great post - Jackie's right, the nutty time flies by, heh. All you have to do is keep your sanity...

[dysdhousewife]

Good times. none of mine fit in my lap anymore, no matter how hard I try. But I remember the days of sweet smelling baby curls, and just not being able to put them down..sigh..

[dysdhousewife]

Good times. none of mine fit in my lap anymore, no matter how hard I try. But I remember the days of sweet smelling baby curls, and just not being able to put them down..sigh..

[Linda]

I know this so well....and I only have the two. The good news is it's temporary. Hang in there. :-)

[Issa]

Somehow, I know they'll know.

Is that a smile or a scream on Margot? I have yet to get more than one smile on camera. They all looks so cute together.

[Lee of MWOB]

oh the constant tug o' war on so many levels of being a mommy. They know you're there for them I'm sure...even when your lap is full..

Nice post...beautiful kiddies...

[SuZ]

I hope it gets better for you!

[Amanda]

Margot looks a little stunned -- like even she can't believe you took her out of the sling!

[Jackie]

I had my son when my twins were 18 months old. They were the craziest of all my kids [I have 3 older]. He lived in that sling, and I have not alot of memory of "how I did it", when people ask, and he is only 5. Take alot of pictures, because this nuttiness actually goes by fast!!