Two Babies.

Since his sister started school in August, Drew has shared our alone time with a computer screen. Bedtime, after long days as a then pregnant and mostly single parent, was the only time where we were truly just mom and son, and even then I was pushing him towards the short board books and one-verse lullabies, just so I could dive into those precious few hours at night when the house was quiet and still, the only noise being the buzz of my laptop and the low drone of our television.

Even so, he still begs for me at bedtime, rushing for the "big books" and asking me to sing song after song as I hold him tightly wrapped in his favorite blanket, rocking in the pitch darkness of his room, the sound of his rain machine as my accompaniment.

I gladly pass the baby to my husband just so I can hold him for those ten long minutes, and perhaps earn back some of the time I spent what felt like seemingly wasting away his infancy and toddlerdom.

He's so big now, compared to his eight pound sister - running fast, throwing hard, and recklessly clamoring through the house like a loose cannon shot without aim, though still gentle in face and spirit. He speaks in pseudo sentences -- a few words strung together in a way that one can figure out the story he is trying to tell.

As of late, he desperately tries to find space on my lap which is otherwise occupied by a small baby. He searches for any morsel of thigh so he can plop his still diapered behind down and rest his head on me, poking and petting the baby in his own loving way. Most of time, it ends with kicks, head butts, and time outs, clearly his way of getting what little attention I can spare.

Yesterday, as I carried both him and his little sister up the stairs, his face warm from a low-grade fever and his head resting on my one available shoulder, he said "two babies."

It stung a little - these words from my sweet baby boy who's made veritable meals from the crumbs I've been able to spare him over this last year. And while I know our time together will come, when newborns aren't eating every two hours and spending the other hours nestled in a sling, it's hard not to feel a tinge of guilt.

Because when it comes down to it, he is still very much our baby.

Comments

[Marie]

Congratulations! I hear you mama, I mourned for the time with my first when I had my second. I cried for him and the end of his babiness. No end to the guilt.

[katie ~ motherbumper]

I look at my 3yo and still can't believe how fast it's gone by but I still can't stop saying "you're my baby" to her. Sometimes she corrects me and says "girl" but most of the time she just hugs me harder. He loves being your baby.

[Me? A Mom?]

Oh, how i can relate. To the adorable toddler. And the guilt. I could have written this a few months ago after our second daughter was born.

[Zip n Tizzy]

And by the adoring look on his face, I'm thinking he's o.k. with sharing baby status with his little sister. If WE can muster it, then I think the gift of siblings is one of the finest gifts we can give our children. Looks like they're already very close.

[mary]

I loved this. My 2.5 year old is so grown up already, but when I have her sister in March, I know it's going to be hard for her.

[Linda]

I feel like I could have written this myself. My boy is totally getting the middle child shaft right now :( He is definitely more of a baby at this stage/age than his big sister was.

[mom101]

And you know? He gets to be your baby for as long as you say so. They all do.

[Erika]

That's so sweet. They'll always be our babies, no?

[muskrat]

I feel like Drew.

I can't even get the new baby's name or gender right, as I'm so used to calling the now 2-yr-old "baby" or "baby girl."

My son's going to grow up thinking I want him to be gay.

[Anita Ovolina]

What a touching post! I can really identify!
Whenever I feel really badly about not giving my children enough attention, my psychologist tells me "what you don't give them is your true gift" because they will know how to fend for themselves or find friends quickly, or be self-sufficient, or whatever else - sometimes it helps but I still feel guilty about it!
What a cute picture of your son!

[susieshomemade]

I like the idea of making him your helper. It will make him feel special and take some of the pressure off of not spending time together:-)

[Mandi]

You just broke my heart! I am expecting #2 in February and it shakes my soul to think how baby#2 will compromise baby #1. I worry about #1's whole personality because I love the way he is right at this exact moment in time and want him to always be the same. But know that adding #2 will certainly change how he thinks,feels,talks,listens... I try not to think of these things and hope I love the new #1 as well as #2. Your post today is exactly what I know will happen to my babies, and everything I fear.

[Courtney]

He's so sweet!

[Miss Grace]

I love him.

[J from Ireland]

What a cute clever boy. There is eight years between my last two and the guilt is still there. Although he adores his baby sister, he likes to say that he and her are "the younger ones" even though the next one up from him is only 2yrs older, it sounds like I have a clatter of kids, I have four!!

[Julianne]

Painfully sweet. Thank you.

[Sarah]

i know this feeling. with a 20-month-old and a 2.5-month-old, the older of the two is still, truly, a baby. sigh..

[Trudy]

As your only boy, he will be your baby until he is 6 years old at least. Little boys take a long time to outgrow their mommas.

[tracey]

waaaaah!

and on another note, here's an overdue congrats on the new girl bundle!
xo

[Jessica Bern]

I am a single mom and I too felt like I wasted so much of her baby/toddler years on "Me" and my needs. I left me ex when she was 15 months afte we were together for 14 years and I just didn't have enough for either of us. It was a huge struggle but she gets a lot more of me now, a lot more "happy me" and I"m glad it is still while she is young. Thanks for reminding me about how quickly they grow.

[Marylin]

Wow, I could have written that myself hun, really I could!

[psumommy]

I know those feelings of guilt...it will get better. I'm just now starting to read to my kids again after an eternity of a pregnancy and over a month of post-partum recovery.

[Annie]

Oh God. I am in the same boat - - my beloved little 2 year old scrambling on my lap for space next to his new sister... and I long for him, even though he's right here, I long for him. Every moment is fleeting and precious, isn't it?

[Asianmommy]

Oh, I want to cry...That's so sweet.

[Linda]

This was one of the biggest issues for me when my youngest came around and my oldest was 16 months. He was 7 months when I found out I was pg and I felt I never had that time alone with him because I was either pg, very pg, nursing or dealing with a new baby. I used to long for the few mintues before bed where my husband had the baby and I could just be with him. We had a post up on this a while back over at Baby Bunching. http://www.babybunching.com/baby_bunching/2008/09/time-alone-with.html

Good luck and enjoy the time you do have with him.

[Courtney]

oh i so know how that feels. My first born was only 13 months old when i had our 2nd child and it tore me up with guilt that the attention that a infant needs takes away from the attention i wanted to give to my first born. It is a hard balancing act that we have to pull off.

[Lisa]

Listen, I know it's anal... but in my last post "you're" shoulda been "your."

[Lisa]

Ok, so I'm crying.

I'm 17 weeks pregnant and the mother of a 1 1/2 year old.

You're story hit home and the hormones took over.

How old is your son??

[Issa]

Oh he's so sweet. Seems like he understands it in his head. He's your baby and so is she.

[midlife mommy]

Aw, my heart is melting too.

[Tabitha (From Single to Married)]

So bittersweet... I don't know how you do it, a newborn would be hard enough! I hope you don't feel too much guilt because chances are, he won't remember the displacement feelings but will remember the time spent with you instead.

[amy]

So touching. This is a great moment to capture. Reach for it when frustration begins to rear its ugly head.

You are an awesome momma.

[Gretta]

I can't even imagine. I feel like I'm not enough for my one baby. Who will be 12 soon. x's and o's to you and yours.

[SciFi Dad]

While I have two and not three, and the age distance is greater than between your youngest, I feel the same way. I try to balance my time between the two, but I always feel like I'm shortchanging one of them (I don't have the forced link breastfeeding provides to ensure that one of them gets everything they need like you have).

[Pia]

I should NEVER read your blog at work, I look silly with red eyes! Mine are 4 years apart, but my 6 year old is still my baby, and they both always will be, I guess.

My older one still clamors for attention, trying to steal that extra time while I baby the baby. I don't watch t.v. alone anymore at night, that is my one on one time with him (I am so sick of Sponge Bob and Nickelodeon, thank goodness for Tivo) . . . I will get plenty of time to myself when they are grown up and gone away to school or off doing their own thing.

[Cameron]

It can be difficult...you don't think you have enough time for both of them, you worry that maybe he feels neglected or jealous. My advice - make Drew 'mommy's little helper' and 'big brother' all in one shot. Try to involve him, whether it's fetching items or playing with baby or whatever.

[ewe_are_here]

Two babies.

Sob.

[MommyNamedApril]

oh, that made me melt...

[TheYoungMother]

Adorable. How old is drew?

[Jennifer Suarez]

~two babies~
OMG that was so sweet I think my heart just broke a little.

Beautiful post today...

[Kendra]

I'm right there with you. My two year old always asks me play when I get home from work. It used to be our time to play before daddy got home. Now she sits on the couch or quietly play with a toy and every few minutes asks "Mommy play?". Breaks my heart a little to say because I"m feeding the baby.

[Jasi]

With two kids only I still share your pain. I hate splitting myself. Wish I could be two people sometimes.

[Jim]

Don't worry. He understands and will only remember that you were always there.

[mrs.chicken]

I know what you mean. I already feel like Shaggy doesn't get his due. Your boy will only remember your presence, not your absence.

[Angela]

Sniff. Wiping away tears. That was beautiful.

[Rosemary]

I don't remember how I found your blog, but I read every single day.. you can make me laugh out loud at the computer.. But today you brought me to tears.. I know exactly how you feel, my two are 19 months apart, and for so many years I felt so guilty for all the times he had to be pushed aside for her.. for how tired I was the whole time I was pregnant with her.. and on and on.. But it's okay, it really is. We have a great relationship now (they are both teenagers -- won't go there and scare you!!) and all of us are close. I can't even imagine with three kids.. you just don't have enough arms and lap to go around!! Sounds like you are doing great.. your babies are ALL beautiful!!