Motherhood Uncensored

Motherhood Uncensored Baby Watch 2008 - I Wached the Debate and All I Lost Was My Mucus Plug

Like tens of Americans, I did my duty and suffered through the debate last night, thinking at several points that had I birthed the baby a few days ago, I could be well on my way to complete and utter drunkenness courtesy of "My Friends," "The Middle Class," and "Energy and Health care."

It's no wonder we've got quadruple the voter turn out for American Idol than we do for the Presidential elections. I say just dress them up in black leather, make them sing Beatles songs, and let us call in our votes. It would be incredibly more entertaining and probably just as effective.

But clearly there are more important things at hand, like these nights full of contractions leading to nothing but no sleep and weird premonitions of the pushing to come. There is an ambivalence that I've had, at least for my 2nd and now 3rd children, about the actual birth. On one hand, I'm terribly excited to see them. On the other, I really don't want to have to get them out of there.

So to distract from that little set back to seeing my baby known as the birth, I'm breathing in my children, or really, chasing the littler one through the grocery store while trying not to strangle the older one for saying "Aaaaaaaaaaaw" after any and every thing I offer to her that she deems completely unacceptable.

And I'm filling my heart and mind with hope for what even the next day could hold for us.

Motherhood Uncensored Baby Watch 2008 - Content Doesn't Live Here Anymore

I almost considered doing this myself (Project Get Baby Out, and all), but alas, I'm a good 25lbs above the max weight limit. Our favorite dress from Courtney Courtney, btw.

Thanks to the wig (Hoorary Party City), and the "jumpy fing" (see above), I was mom of the year for all of 25 minutes yesterday. Amazing costume from Mahar Dry Goods.

And to add insult to injury, some fucking mosquito bit me 10 times on the same gigantic preggo thigh. 

Motherhood Uncensored Baby Watch 2008 - Move Along. No Baby Here.

So, my due date has come and gone without so much of a fleeting contraction. Or maybe I did have contractions that I just passed off as bad gas.

I suppose I should have figured it out when all I got was, well, certainly not a cute baby.

Meanwhile, my children are trying to kill me with their whole "I'm a kid" thing. Seriously, who gave them a right to be kids?

Take my daughter for example, for whom I made chocolate chip pancakes for on Saturday. Now I usually make buckwheat Odd-Job Chop Your Head Off pancakes, but being the benevolent pregnant "I'm so sorry I'm adding another child to this household" mom that I am, I made chocolate chip pancakes to which my daughter looks at, turns her nose down upon, and says: "I don't like chocolate chips in my pancakes."

Nice. Weirdo.

Then the next day, I try to give her brother the leftovers passed off as a cookie (which honestly, is not that far off) and she says to me in her sweet whiny voice "But I wanted that chocolate chip pancake."

"But you didn't like them yesterday!" I replied.

"Yes, but that was yesterday. I like them today."

And there you have it. My mind = GONE.

So, because a hospital stay sounds somewhat glorious right now, the twice daily regimen of jumping jacks and heinous pee-your-pants hill walking has commenced.

Unfortunately, this week is full of cool "lucky" days for us -- 10/07/08 (since we all love 7s in my family), 10/08/08 (since I'm Chinese and 8s are lucky), 10/09/08 (cuz that's just plain cool), and 10/10/08 (since we also tend to like same month same day birthdays).

Basically, I'm pulling at straws trying to predict the truly unpredictable. Now back to laundry and Halloween costume and wreath making (yes, you read that correctly).

As my friend told me so eloquently: "You making wreaths? If that's not nesting, I don't know what is."

Do it With a Song

Aside from making the world go around (okay, that and gravity), music is one of the best ways to learn and remember things. Granted, you'll store away some really useful things like the alphabet and how to spell "encyclopedia" or like my husband, the United States in alphabetical order.

And then there are the things you wish you could forget, like the local pizza joint's phone number, because we moms only have a few random brain cells to spare and I need to remember my own phone number, not the one of some bad pizza joint.

I will not bore you with all the oodles of scientific research that actually show the effectiveness of using music to memorize random things, but it is a bit uncanny to see what ridiculous song lyrics people remember, or random information that they can store in their heads when it is put to either a familiar tune, or just something that's plain old catchy.

We've certainly done our fair share of using such techniques to our advantage around my house. The University of Tennessee (don't ask, we are not Volunteer fans by any means) fight song somehow became the diaper changing song my husband sang to my daughter. Change "Rockytop" to "Grumpypants" and it's actually quite catchy.

And just today, I taught my daughter about flatulence via Laurie Berkner's "We are the Dinosaurs," although instead of marching, they are "farting, farting... what do you stink of that?"

Yes, a near doctorate in Music and all I can come up with is that. Sorry mom.

But truly, my claim to fame came during my summer stint in Anatomy class where I created the ultimate mnemonic for the 12 Cranial Nerves -- simply sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things." Go ahead, my fair nursing student readers, give it a try.

Not only was it odd listening to a bunch of nursing students and me (the lone music therapy major) humming a Julie Andrews song during an exam, but what's even worse is that I can still rattle them off.

Look. It's the closest I have to a stupid bar trick. Don't burst my bubble, okay?

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Share your ridiculous (or not so ridiculous) songs this weekend for our blog blast and be entered to win one of two $500 Best Buy gift certificates courtesy of Bush's Beans where they are actually holding a super duper contest for people to re-write the "beans" song. Yes, that one. For more info on how to enter the blog blast, visit Parent Bloggers Network.

If Only This Were How They Arrived