I can count the number of times I've watched porn on my two hands. For me, porn is less of an "Oh Baby. Let's watch some porn! Uh Uh" and more of a "Hee hee. Porn. *giggle* *snort*" type situation. I'd much rather watch a few choice Sex and the City reruns and the Top Gun sex scene and go on my very very very merry way.
But one fine evening last June, I found myself alone, bored, and sexlessly pregnant, and so I decided it might be fun to order a porno off of our Direct TV. Now, it's not the first time I've done the pay per view porn thing, and you'd think that after a couple of times, I'd learn my lesson, mostly because when it comes to PPV porn, I'm not sure what's worse - the movies themselves or the descriptions - the latter of which had me watching some girl enjoying the spray of you know what on her face from a gaggle of really ugly old dudes, and a bunch of lovely but extremely large African American couples doing it in an above ground pool.
I'm not sure how anyone could have gathered that from "hot girls and guys getting it on," but I did, and sold about five minutes of my extremely valuable time to the devil for $10.99, only to be followed by a long hot shower, mainly to disinfect and cleanse my poor eyes.
Of course, this was all an archived figment of my memory until a few weeks ago when I discovered that the damn cable box records your purchases. And try as I may to delete them, I was completely unsuccessful, my only fear being that my husband would decide to click around and discover "Dymes 10" and "Breakin' Them In 3" on the "purchased" list.
And wouldn't you know, yesterday morning I'm standing in the kitchen when he yells "Hey. There's a couple of purchased movies here for like $10.99! What the hell is that about?"
Now, the smart, former self that had one less child and waaaaay more brain cells would have just chalked it all up to research. Granted, it's highly unlikely that any mom would want to know the benefits of having that sprayed upon her face, not only because we moms get enough shit sprayed upon us and while yes, it might be great for our skin (what dude came up with that bull anyway?) still. Ick. And truly, not many moms I know are going to do it in a pool because we all know how much piss is in there.
So, I did what any woman, wife, and mother of three running on no sleep with obviously really bad taste in porn would do.
I lied right through my teeth.
"Oh yeah. Was that in June or something? The Direct TV people emailed me -- something about a hacker. Can you believe that?"
"We didn't get charged, did we?" he asked. Gotta love my thrifty husband, right?
"Oh no. They took it right off our bill" I replied, trying not to giggle.
"Well, okay. So long as we didn't get charged."
So lesson learned. Never order bad porn off of Direct TV. That's what the have the damn internet (and the clear history feature) for.
Happy Halloween! Here's a spoooooky tale -- who needs costumes when you're a mom?