If At First You Don't Succeed, Lie Lie Again
I can count the number of times I've watched porn on my two hands. For me, porn is less of an "Oh Baby. Let's watch some porn! Uh Uh" and more of a "Hee hee. Porn. *giggle* *snort*" type situation. I'd much rather watch a few choice Sex and the City reruns and the Top Gun sex scene and go on my very very very merry way.
But one fine evening last June, I found myself alone, bored, and sexlessly pregnant, and so I decided it might be fun to order a porno off of our Direct TV. Now, it's not the first time I've done the pay per view porn thing, and you'd think that after a couple of times, I'd learn my lesson, mostly because when it comes to PPV porn, I'm not sure what's worse - the movies themselves or the descriptions - the latter of which had me watching some girl enjoying the spray of you know what on her face from a gaggle of really ugly old dudes, and a bunch of lovely but extremely large African American couples doing it in an above ground pool.
I'm not sure how anyone could have gathered that from "hot girls and guys getting it on," but I did, and sold about five minutes of my extremely valuable time to the devil for $10.99, only to be followed by a long hot shower, mainly to disinfect and cleanse my poor eyes.
Of course, this was all an archived figment of my memory until a few weeks ago when I discovered that the damn cable box records your purchases. And try as I may to delete them, I was completely unsuccessful, my only fear being that my husband would decide to click around and discover "Dymes 10" and "Breakin' Them In 3" on the "purchased" list.
And wouldn't you know, yesterday morning I'm standing in the kitchen when he yells "Hey. There's a couple of purchased movies here for like $10.99! What the hell is that about?"
Now, the smart, former self that had one less child and waaaaay more brain cells would have just chalked it all up to research. Granted, it's highly unlikely that any mom would want to know the benefits of having that sprayed upon her face, not only because we moms get enough shit sprayed upon us and while yes, it might be great for our skin (what dude came up with that bull anyway?) still. Ick. And truly, not many moms I know are going to do it in a pool because we all know how much piss is in there.
So, I did what any woman, wife, and mother of three running on no sleep with obviously really bad taste in porn would do.
I lied right through my teeth.
"Oh yeah. Was that in June or something? The Direct TV people emailed me -- something about a hacker. Can you believe that?"
"We didn't get charged, did we?" he asked. Gotta love my thrifty husband, right?
"Oh no. They took it right off our bill" I replied, trying not to giggle.
"Well, okay. So long as we didn't get charged."
So lesson learned. Never order bad porn off of Direct TV. That's what the have the damn internet (and the clear history feature) for.
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Happy Halloween! Here's a spoooooky tale -- who needs costumes when you're a mom?
CLASSIC. You win for that one...
Posted by: Wifey | November 05, 2008 at 08:17 PM
Whoa. $10.99?! Definitely blame the hackers :)
Posted by: Veep Veep | November 04, 2008 at 05:45 AM
Hahahaha, that's hilarious! I've totally busted my husband by checking the cable bill. Not that I actually care!
Now you know to watch your porn on the internet. :)
Posted by: Courtney | November 04, 2008 at 12:59 AM
I just wet my pants. Another little ditty they do not tell you about pregnancy until it is too late!
Posted by: Julie | November 03, 2008 at 07:06 PM
Just goes to show you that a new mom of three has more brain cells than coherent males...
A wife would never have bought that line...lol!
Posted by: Jen | November 03, 2008 at 06:06 PM
Lurker here...
I was laughing so hard, I snorted. And I don't normally do that. Oh, my.
Posted by: Ashlie- Mommycosm | November 03, 2008 at 03:53 PM
Snort.
Posted by: magpie | November 01, 2008 at 11:10 AM
So I'm assuming he doesn't read the blog, or you just ruined a perfectly beautiful couple of lies.
And for the record, I think men everywhere would appreciate it if you pushed the notion of skin benefits without sarcasm. I mean, hey, women pay people to smear mud all over their faces, right?
Posted by: LiteralDan | November 01, 2008 at 02:41 AM
Porn is best when it's horrible and you are ashamed of it.
Posted by: Zombie Daddy | October 31, 2008 at 05:46 PM
do you ever go to the cheetah? because you sort of know my wife, and i like to plan ahead if i need to avoid an activity or a person.
Posted by: muskrat | October 31, 2008 at 05:01 PM
Oh, and what literotica.com is for...that and it's free!
Posted by: Sugared Harpy | October 31, 2008 at 04:59 PM
Better on your face, ahem, than in your throat according to a study at Johns Hopkins. I kid you not, in your throat is now being linked to throat cancer, due to the transmission of HPV. http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/05/070509210142.htm
Now a happy housewife as a darned good reason not to swallow. Poor hubbies....
(dashing off to the doc to get her throat tested for HPV)
Posted by: Caroline | October 31, 2008 at 04:52 PM
You make me laugh, hence why I'm a new subscriber to MU.
I know it will seem like blatant networking but I have some soft Halloween porn up today...
Happy treatin'!
Posted by: Lee | October 31, 2008 at 04:35 PM
Yeah re: YouPorn. Big fan. AND its free. And portable.
Posted by: GirlsGoneChild | October 31, 2008 at 04:34 PM
I'm going to have a tough time doing laps now, thinking about all those little swimmers...
Posted by: mothergoosemouse | October 31, 2008 at 03:59 PM
LOL...yeah, the Internets is much cheaper. That's what I've heard at least...
Posted by: Jim | October 31, 2008 at 03:53 PM
I think that was some amazing thinking on your feet, particularly this close to just having delivered a third baby.
Posted by: Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children | October 31, 2008 at 03:33 PM
shit. they keep that stuff on there forever? oops.
Posted by: Lori | October 31, 2008 at 03:29 PM
LOL. I called my husband to tell him I ordered some porn. Too bad he wasn't there to enjoy it with me.
Posted by: Lynette | October 31, 2008 at 03:22 PM
Love how you handled the hubs.
www.xtube.com
You're welcome.
Posted by: Amy | October 31, 2008 at 03:00 PM
LOL, that is too good. I haven't had to do that because I refuse to pay that much for a movie when yes the internet is right there. However, my husband and I did decide to purchase some cheap manager specials dvds from the local porn store and figured for $5 it was a deal. Yeah, watching some guy with one nut that danced around his you know what was too distracting to get turned on by. We couldn't stop laughing.
Posted by: Jenn | October 31, 2008 at 01:56 PM
LOL! That's hilarious...seriously...I would have lied too, however I've never ordered porn on my own.
Posted by: Kristy | October 31, 2008 at 01:33 PM
i did the same thing with DirectTV, but I couldnt think of a good lie. I'll keep yours in mind for future reference!
Posted by: becky | October 31, 2008 at 01:15 PM
I take it your hubs doesn't read your blog?
Posted by: Jamie E | October 31, 2008 at 01:13 PM
HAHAHAHAHA! That made me laugh!
Posted by: Keeling | October 31, 2008 at 12:43 PM
Love the Top Gun sex scene! ESPECIALLY b/c there's no "spray".
Gag.
Posted by: Trenches of Mommyhood | October 31, 2008 at 12:05 PM
The titles are way funnier than the movies. My husband and I are both flight attendants. On our hotel overnights we'll call our other flight attendant friends on their overnights and we'll compare which hotel has the better porn titles. We've gotta do SOMETHING to make our layovers interesting, right?
Posted by: Heather Mark | October 31, 2008 at 11:42 AM
We're coming to geeeeet you.
And your caaaaaable bill.
MWWWWAAA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA!
Posted by: A Porn Hacker | October 31, 2008 at 11:23 AM
that is so funny!
Posted by: Nina | October 31, 2008 at 11:10 AM
There's a book on giving head? Does it cover both sides of the track, so to speak? If so, I have a certain someone who has a birthday coming up and my gift conundrum has just been solved.
Posted by: stpaulslim | October 31, 2008 at 10:53 AM
Stupid cable box.
This is so funny... nice cover! :)
Posted by: bessie.viola | October 31, 2008 at 10:15 AM
hacker... good, i never would've thought that one up. we have the PPV option on our t.v. and my dad is always flipping through and reading the porn titles. i'm just waiting to see one on our bill.
Posted by: MommyNamedApril | October 31, 2008 at 10:03 AM
If that had happened in my house, my husband would've been all, "you ordered porn?! YES!" complete w/excited hand gestures.
Posted by: Christy | October 31, 2008 at 09:50 AM
I have two words for you ladies. You Porn. It is like you tube but for porn. Completely free and you can search for what you like. I stumbled upon it when I was pregnant, horny and my hubby was a way on business. Nice cover up by the way. My hubby came across a amazon order of mine for a book on how to give great head and would not let me live it down. Yet he is reaping the benefits of said book.
Posted by: Bobbie | October 31, 2008 at 09:17 AM
You totally made my morning! What is it about the stuff in the face? Do they teach that to the boys in sex ed, or something?
Posted by: Angela | October 31, 2008 at 07:37 AM
Yet another reason I love our Movie Network here in Canada...they don't show up on the bill!
Posted by: Assertagirl | October 31, 2008 at 07:30 AM
I am totally sitting here blushing. Such a pollyanna. Great cover.
Posted by: Amanda | October 31, 2008 at 06:59 AM