Ain't No Sunshine When He's Gone

The huz just got back from a three-day trip to Zurich - his inaugural "mission" on the international flight line. I weathered his just sub 72-hour absence with only one emotional breakdown and a couple series of crazy obsessive thoughts thanks to my mom's super helpful presence. Next week my BFF (and our combined four children -- haha) will help me hold down the fort while he does a three-day to Prague.

And then, well, I'll be on my own, hoping that he'll be stuck on reserve (basically on call) and not sent off to some bizarre African destination for half of November.

I've surprised even myself with how much I miss him when he's gone, and not just because I like a fluffy carpet and a half-finished deck, or because he has the ability to occupy at least two out of our now three children without the use of the dreaded boob tube so that I can fold laundry in utter peace and quiet (yes, that's a luxury these days).

Such is quite a turn from last winter when leaving him seemed like a viable solution to our mess of a marriage. We've been through the ringer these last five years, much of which was our own doing (hello KIDS!) and some of which was totally out of our control.

But I think the worst of it, after shedding the crazy in-laws, stupid ex-girlfriends, and all the other bullshit that's clouded our relationship, was that I just never felt like he got me. 

I'm not sure what shifted over the last few months, but something certainly has. Perhaps it's a realization that whatever gripes I had - some legitimate, some just plain ridiculous - weren't enough for me to pack it all up and more importantly, break up our family.

The responsibility of three small and fragile lives, in a new city, in a new house, often alone tends to put things into perspective pretty quickly. 

But to his end, I think he finally gets me. That amidst the hormonal highs and lows, emotional roller coaster rides, and everything else being married to me (and hell, any woman) means, he sees and better, values and respects the mom, the wife, the business owner, and the writer that I am.

Does his foot still find its way to his mouth? Abso-fucking-lutely. But the stupid comments are a bit easier to laugh at when they come from a place of goofy ignorance and not malicious intent.    

And so the three words we haven't said to each other in over a year slipped off my tongue as he walked out the door. Not because I miss his willingness to take on extra daddy duty, or because I get scared sleeping alone at night.

But just because it really sucks when he's not here.

Comments

[Mary]

Wow. I've been there, too. Husband #2 is worth the effort, and oh boy, can it really be some effort. Glad to see things are starting to work.

[Jo]

Reading this post was such a ditto! moment for me. My husband is Navy and half the time I was happy when he left, even though I was alone with the kids because I felt he didn't get me. I imagine it can suck if a reader can see your awesomeness, and truly enjoy you, and laugh at your boldness, and in a way fall in love with you, but then feel at times that your partner doesn't. I have been there, and if he finally opened his eyes, well, there's nothing better than that.

[marty]

Well good. This makes me happy.

[mothergoosemouse]

Further evidence that anyone who thinks having a child will save their marriage is f'ing delusional. It's one of the greatest strains possible on even the happiest and healthiest of unions.

[Suebob]

I'm happy for you.

[J from Ireland]

That is just lovely. I'm so happy for you, happy that ye made it. This posted teared me up.

[TNG]

So--I'll hug him at the airport, right?

No shin-kicks?

That's niiiice.

xoxoxoxo

[Asha {Parent Hacks}]

So happy to read this post. Being/feeling "seen" is so crucial. So simple and so crucial.

[FishyGirl]

It is a tremendous amount of work, but hell, if we can keep it up 15 years and counting and no one went to prison, anyone can do it. I find that when understanding seems lacking, leaving him alone for a day or so with all 4 kids and going off by myself helps both of us to get some perspective.

I'm so glad things are improving for you.

[MommyNamedApril]

i'm glad things are headed in the right direction again.

[Jasi]

We argue terribly. Terribly. Always about the same things. We both feel overworked and under appreciated with little or no sympathy for the other. We "joke" that we have only an 18 year commitment and then we are free (when our kids are out of the house). But the truth is there really is love, if not understanding. We can work with that.

Wishing you smoother relations.

[Anita Doberman]

I often felt like I could just drive off after a fight but went as far as the ice cream place with my six children ...and realized that no matter how tough things are it's worth it...
Glad things are better with your husband - mine is off to a deployment soon!

[Emily]

I am so happy you are finding your way back to each other. We've drifted and corrected several times and falling back in love is difficult but somewhat wonderful.

And your MIL? Total beeeotch!

[susieshomemade]

I am glad that you found your way back to each other. Things are so much easier when you have a team mate who gets it.

[Brenmom]

So I read this and let out a little sigh of relief for you. So glad to hear things are good in that department. And great writing, as always, by the way. How do you do it?? My mind was always blibberish gunk at this point in newbornhood!

Enjoy your time with TNG and TLNG!

[bessie.viola]

I'm so happy for you. I've been reading through your archives and the hell you've been through, and I have to say I really admire your total stand for your family.

It's something that I think of often as we struggle through these early parenting days.

[Vicki]

I so feel you. My hubby and I are still just beginning to find our way back to each other's common ground. We were so close to calling it quits it wasn't even funny but we pulled through and now its just a matter of finding the things we used to share with each other...

[Christina]

Ah hell, here I go getting misty-eyed again. Having kids has made me soft.

This rings so true. Over the past few months, I'm convinced there is an ideal area between seeing each other too much and not enough where a couple can find happiness. I know it sucks when he's gone, but if it helps you both realize how much you need each other, then it isn't so bad.

[GirlsGoneChild]

And here I sit weeping... only because I absolutely know how you feel... You're amazing. Kiss.

[Issa]

I'm so happy for you. Making a marriage work, is freaking hard. But when it's working, it's a good thing.

I'll have been married 10 years in March. The foot in mouth thing still happens. Then again, I still sometimes chuck a glass in his direction. But it works for us.

[Jim]

I'm glad to hear things are going better. Guys have a natural talent for putting their foot in their respective mouths. Try as I might, it still happens.

[GinaCC]

Perhaps I need to send my husband to Zurich so I can fall in love with him again. This morning he told me he's depressed... why? (I make the mistake of asking)... "sexually frustrated" he says... I ask why he never said anything about it before.... he didn't want to make me "feel bad" he says.... Too Late, I tell him. How can I get him a job as a pilot?

[Lori]

Glad that you found the feeling again = ) It's nice to know you can go through hell and back with someone and still love each other on the other side.
Re:M/FIL. That sucks. How fucking shitty of them. They are getting my bad pissy vibes for the day. Just for you. And trust me, I can imagine I'll have a few- I'm at work.

[Tabitha (From Single to Married)]

I'm so glad for you that things are improving and continue to do so. It's not easy and it's funny how many changes our marriages go through. I guess it's a product of constantly learning and growing - somtimes it's painful, but most times it's really, really good.

[Mandi]

I love that you are so honest about these things! This post melted my heart. I have only been married for 2 years to my husband and can imagine that we will have our outs with each other. It hasn't happened yet and hopefully if it ever does I will remember how much he gets me right now. So, if he ever doesn't get me, I will try to keep some of this here and now on reserve.

[Karen (Submommy)]

I'm really glad that you have reached a place of calm. It makes a huge difference both for you, him, and your kids.

SubHub and I really take some pride in the fact that our home is peaceful and without tension and strife.

Pretty soon you'll be saying the Big Three everyday. It's nice to be loved and feel loved. And I've found, with my marriage, anyway, that I get what I give.

[Her Bad Mother]

Gaaah, I must on a mad hormonal surge, because this made my eyes well up with tears. That, or your words rang so true for me.

Or both.

[Kelly]

What Shelley said, so true. Also, so glad TNG will be there for some company. It's so nice to have a warm, funny presence around.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Rest assured, Bill. There will be lots to complain about. It was this post, or a long bitch session about how my MIL has not yet congratulated me on being pregnant or for having a baby.

No card, no flowers, no call, no reply email to all the pics I've sent.

I tried to move towards the light on this one so not to let my brain blow up.

[delamare]

Right there with you sister. Three kids here too, and what's been a shaky 19-year marriage of late. We're having our turnaround too thankfully. Not breaking up the family is what kept me going at first, but now I'm finding my way back to wanting to be in this marriage again. Everybody breathe.

[Bill]

I'm really glad you guys are doing well! Just make sure you find other stuff to gripe about here...maybe you should visit the in-laws again. Purely as research for the blog. :)

[Barbara]

Again your post is timely. Granted, I was the asshole in this recent past dip in our relationship, but he's been the asshole at a different dip. It's so nice to get past the white-knuckled holding on stage to an easy side-by-side working relationship. And even though we hid it from the kids, they are better now too.

[Kelly]

Wow. That's pretty powerful stuff. So glad to hear that you're turning the page - only better things to come.

[Angela]

Wow. It's such hard work, isn't it? Making a marriage work. Making it work well. So much more give than take. I'm so glad you're finding your way.

[starrlife]

It's good to hear that those shifts can happen- send some my way please! No really, I have faith that my time will come but I get impatient sometimes! Thanks for the boost!

[Shelley]

Good for you. Motherhood is so much easier and more enjoyable when you have a loving marriage.

[Cecilia]

I am so happy that your perspective has changed and that you are much happier and at peace in your marriage.

The shift in my relationship with my husband happened a few years ago. Loving your husband again and feeling loved and respected in return is a good thing. Forgiveness goes a long way.

I still have fantasies about my divorced with three kids dream house where my messes are part of the decor and not subject to commentary. But I now find that my husband is part of the fantasy - even if it's just to organize the pantry!