Little Man, Big World

The three-inch height difference between me and the huz isn't that glaringly obvious during typical circumstances. We're generally about the same weight, body type, hell, even shoe size, and so while it might not be the whole "strong man, dainty woman" scenario that my mother-in-law seems to think he should have gone after, it works.

Well, that and he has a *huge penis so it all evens out.

But when I'm wearing the body of a 200 lb pregnant woman, well let's just say it looks like a pregnant giraffe decided to rob the meer cat cradle.

When I hug him, he literally disappears behind me, and when I attempt to romantically drape myself across his lap, and he gets up looking like Wile E. Coyote who just fell off a cliff and is smushed into the ground.

And sex? SEX? Oh dear god. His groans have turned to gasps -- for air, that is.

Now it's not all totally on me because well, he's small. He's a little man, who unfortunately is made to look extra tiny when walking around with his Jurassic wife.

Of course, it's an ongoing joke around our house -- his chicken legs and my thunder thighs go to battle on a regular basis. Because when even your husband can't physically roll you over from your back to your side during the middle of the night  without straining himself, all you can do is joke about it.

The only problem is that the "jokes" tend to be strongly favored in my direction. There's only so many "little man" jokes you can deliver. And considering his jokes are more like "not-so-jokes," or what I like to call "Things You Should Never Say to Your Wife Especially Your Pregnant Wife Who Could Crush You With Her One Thigh You Stupid Little Man," then there's just nothing really good that I can come back with, other than something about Slim Good Body and prairie dogs and those just don't have the same sting that a pre-op Carnie Wilson or Droopers do. 

So when Quinlan came running into the kitchen and screamed "Look Daddy! Here are your shorts!" with great delight, I couldn't stop laughing.

Mainly because they weren't his shorts, but rather, a pair of Drew's pants.

Of course, tomorrow she'll probably come running down with our couch slip cover and tell me she found my nightgown, but hell did I laugh.

And then snort.

Oh well. It was good while it lasted.

*[I was not paid or given large amounts of oral sex to disclose that totally true sohelpmegod factoid]

Comments

[SchneiderMaryellen23]

Different people in all countries take the mortgage loans in various creditors, because that is simple and comfortable.

[Jennifer]

My ex-husband was 5'9 (being generous) and about 150# and even when not pregnant I had "moments" (ok, years) when I was heavier. I remember a time being on vacation when we were going to take a nice romantic guided kayak tour down a river, and the heavier person had to get in first, and my ex got in and sat down and I sat next to him, and the kayak started to tip and the guide made us switch sides stating "no, no, you're heavier, you in first". Now this was years ago, and that moment is still etched into my memory. Not to imply that this was a contributing factor in our divorce, but my current husband is 6' and close to 200#.
It's sad how much we can find to put ourselves down about, just looking around.
You just need to change your perspective and surround yourself by people who are larger than you. Unfortunately, obesity is rampant, so it's not hard to find. Use others' misfortune to your advantage, and employ other opportunities to use your daughter in a self-esteem boost. Make a game out of it, life is too short to feel fat and yucky.

[Andrea]

Yeah - I'm 5'10 and my DH is 6'4...so, there should be a pretty large weight difference...yeah - not when I'm pregnant...he came w/ me to the MD appt. and the nurse said my weight out loud - he actually said and I quote, "Woah!". Yeah - not exactly romantic.

[Sheri]

OK, you have droopers. My 300lb dh actually mentioned in front of my reproductive endocrinologist that if I lost some weight, I would get pregnant easier.

He got his when the nurse at my OB's office asked if we were both pregnant (he has a huge gut).

[Loralee]

I am an Amazon. Thankfully my husband is 6'4 so we are ok.

I am only 5'8 which isn't monstrously huge but I have size 10 feet and big bones with hands that are freakishly big for a girl.

Here's the oddity:

My husband and I have the same hand size and shoe size, which means his are freakishly small for a guy.

And, no. TOTALLY not an indicator of penis size. (Sohelpmegod).

;)

[Julianne]

Genius! Now I don't have to take the dreaded trip to Motherhood to purchase a maternity nightgown. I'll just cut a hole in the couch cover.

[Diana Groves]

So true - and so funny and so depressing.I used to get called Michelin Man. Someone making jokes about my stomach was OK but calling me Michelin Man highlighted that everything seemed to have swollen up. The joys of motherhood eh!

[Amy]

Isn't it great when our kids do such amazing things like that? Thanks for the laugh out loud. I needed it today.

[dana]

Okay, first of all, I came over to say that I just listened to BTR and loved the preschool edition. Also, I have downloaded audibles and we LOVE them. Perfect for long car rides to Milwaukee for Brewer games (and DAMN those fucking Cubs for kicking our asses.)

Okay...end tangent.

Anyway...I'm laughing because your little Q...she CLEARLY takes after you and that is awesome.

Little man...little pants. hahahaha.

[Kasey]

Thanks for the great laugh!!

[A Jill of All Trades]

OMG....I laugh my ass off!! Thanks!

This reminded me of when I was pregnant and weighed more than my 165lb. husband. :)

[Motherhood Uncensored]

God these comments are hilarious.

And Channah -- I'd like one of those shirts too -- sorry it was just a plain T-Mobile shirt :(

[Channah @ Get a Grip, Mom!]

BTW, am I the only one who's a little disappointed in the tee-shirt she one? I saw that I was winning a shirt from Motherhood Uncensored and T-Mobile, and expected it to have the Motherhood Uncensored logo on it. It's still cool having a free T-Mobile tee, just not as cool as I thought it was going to be. :)

[Channah @ Get a Grip, Mom!]

Oh man, your husband has no idea what to say to you when you're pregnant either, huh? Yeah, Hubby had permanent foot-in-mouth disease during my pregnancy.
It totally didn't help that a few of the pregnancy books I had recommended that, instead of buying maternity clothes right away, wear some of my husband's clothing. Except I married a stick figure. Seriously - he wears 31w30l jeans, the same size he wore in high school. Heck, even when I'm not pregnant I couldn't fit in his pants.

[Wendy]

OMG! I was really giggling as I read the part about the slip cover. Then Tessa started behind me, "Wot's so funny Mommy? Wot? Wot?" Just before I got to the part about snorting, I slipped in a snort. Oh boy, followed by even more hysterical snorts and giggles.

*Snort, snort.*

[mamagingertree]

That was damn funny.

[Windex]

Thanks I needed a good laugh!!!

[RacheleT]

Oh, that's hysterical! It reminds me of both my pregnancies...and to think that we're considering having a third. I'm slowly remembering what I (we) have to look forward to if we go for it. Of course, Wile E Coyote always got up after being smushed. I think our husbands should be grateful since we're generally more affectionate than an Acme anvil.

[Cara]

That was hysterical! My husband, the man with no filter for saying the wrong thing to his wife, has so many times given me backhanded compliments, (like after I complained that I felt fat and ugly when I was pregnant, he told me pregnant girls were supposed to be fat. WTF?) that I have a free rein on any jokes I feel the need to dish out.

[Emily]

Damn... just snorted coffee out of my nose then. Thanks for the great laugh!

[Kelly]

My husband's about 1.5-2" taller than me, but he slouches something horrid (while I have great posture) so we're "the same height". He's also a thin, twig-like man and I'm... curvy.

I feel your pain, sistah. (and joy - what is it with the twig-men and the giant penises?

[Undomestic Diva]

What was all that about pregnancy being a beautiful thing? About the glow women emit? Not me. No glow, no beauty, no radiance.

[Melisa]

My husband towers over me by a lot..he's 6'3 and I'm 5'2. I imagine by the time I really begin packing on the pregnancy pounds we will look like a baseball and a bat.

[mothergoosemouse]

Meercat cradle...I'm crying here.

[Jenni]

OMG. You just gave me a much-needed laugh today.

Let us know when she brings you the slip cover from the couch.

LOL

[Angel]

*giggle*

I'm about 5'5" and about 240-not pregnant. My guy is 5'11" but only 150 lbs. I call us Jack Sprat and his wife, ha. His ass fits in our kids' carseats...not even one cheek of mine would.

It does make me feel somewhat unfeminine that I'm the biggest of the two of us, and I am always afraid of hurting him when we get busy....but truth be told, HE should be afraid of hurting ME, because he's huge in one place I am not! (I noticed a trend when I was single-the thin lanky ones seemed to be packing some serious heat!)

[Candaec]

Oh man I wish I had a daughter to run in and make fun of my husband! However, I'm a small woman in a big preggo ladies body married to a small man with lots of comments and no retaliation. Yeah I try the chicken legs thing but that is all I've got, nothing else and there are so many names to call me (i.e. plumber, homer simpson, and gigantor):( I need some new material.

[Issa]

Am having to clean orange juice out of keyboard now, but it was totally worth it.

[Miss Britt]

I have trouble telling the difference between my husband and my son's boxer briefs.

My son is 8.

[Assertagirl]

Kids can bring some awesome comic relief!

[The New Girl]

Oh, I think that if we put our heads together we could come up with some stinging-zinger type rebuts for the lil' guy.

But seriously? Who knew that the Slim Jim was PACKING?

Probably something that I didn't need to think about.

In fact, I feel a bit icky. I might even laugh cry.

[Angie in Texas]

there is only a 20# difference btwn HSBF and I, but only a few inches in height. =( thankfully he "likes" my curves . . . he gets to live another day.

[Dawn]

I do enjoy reading all of your posts but this one truly was laugh out loud funny!

... hahahahah ...

[Shannon]

I'm 5'11" and my husband is about 5'7". He is very trim. I am less so, after having two kids. It was AWFUL when I was pregnant because I was seriously HUGE. But it definitely takes some mental training not to feel that I am somehow "unwomanly" because I am taller and heavier than my husband in a culture where women are expected to be thinner, smaller-boned, shorter and "daintier" than their husbands. My husband, to his credit, has always been cool with it and we always joke that we are evening out the population because if tall women always procreate with tall men then the population will just get taller. Don't know if the logic works, but it makes me feel better. :)