It's one thing to have to retire your favorite pair of jeans, albeit maternity jeans, because you're hitting the "holy sweatpants and gauchos" trimester. And it's a whole other issue when the only brand new thing you can buy is a necklace (and just barely) because it's the only normal item at a normal store that fits you.
But when you have to put away the cutest skirt ever because you've peed on it twice, then clearly there is something very wrong going on.
I'd love to blame the skirt's extremely fashion forward asymmetrical hemline, but really it has nothing to do with the skirt's construction and rather much more to do with my terribly poor toilet technique. Generally, I'm able to grab the skirt and hold all the uneven ends high enough so there is no chance in hell it would ever hit the toilet water. But since being pregnant, I've actually taken to tucking it into my shirt before taking a seat upon the throne.
[I cannot even believe I'm admitting that I tuck my skirt in my shirt to take a piss but I suppose the first step is acknowledging that I have a problem].
The only problem is the "tuck" only works for the front of the skirt, and leaves the long back section floating dangerously close to the toilet.
Except that for the last two times I have worn it, the skirt has surpassed the close calls and actually fallen into the toilet where I have proceeded to pee upon it only to realize it as my calves got swatted with a lovely combination of piss and toilet water as I stood up to wipe.
Thankfully, I've only been in the presence of my two children when the "pee and swat" has occurred and considering that they've done their own share of peeing on themselves (and me, for that matter), they are probably the most empathic audience.
That was clearly evidenced by my daughter's "Ew, Mommy."
Yeah. I'm pretty sure the toilet-pee water on my ankles felt better.
I am laughing my head off, but only because I've been there.
Bless your heart but damn... thanks for the giggles.
Posted by: rachel | August 02, 2008 at 05:25 PM
Hey, it happens to the best of us. It's why I quit wearing skirts.
Posted by: Karl | July 29, 2008 at 08:20 PM
I willfully left my dignity at the house when I was preggo. I was always doing stuff like this and seemed there was nothing I could do about it. Hmmm...the joys of womenhood, eh?
Posted by: Tracey | July 29, 2008 at 12:28 PM
Dammit.
Happens to me all the time.
AND I'M NOT PREGNANT.
Just ridiculously graceless.
I like to tell myself, toilet piss water is good for the skin.
Posted by: Redneck Mommy | July 26, 2008 at 02:32 PM
Been there, dude.
Posted by: Backpacking Dad | July 24, 2008 at 10:10 PM
We have to WIPE?! oops!
Posted by: Marinka | July 24, 2008 at 10:05 PM
I'd like to see a show of hands from all the mothers who never had peepee issues during their pregnancies. Pee and pregnancy - they just go together.
Posted by: Laura | July 24, 2008 at 01:01 PM
OMG you mean my one pair of pants that fits me at 7 months... they won't last all nine(ten)? ACK... NEVERMIND, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A BABY.
I went shopping for a "maternity dress," I left Target with a $20 maternity SWIM COVER from Target because that was the most comfortable thing that they had.
Posted by: Bloggymommer | July 24, 2008 at 12:14 PM
You are not alone. Not at all!!
Posted by: Scary Mommy | July 24, 2008 at 10:22 AM
Ok, I tried to pee through the glory hole on the Spanx once and, um, missed. It was fun walking around a trade show all day with a urine-stained girdle in my pocketbook.
But don't tell anyone.
Posted by: Mom101 | July 24, 2008 at 08:45 AM
This totally spoils the image of the glamorous, super-together pregnant lady I met at the conference.
And yet I like you even better now.
Posted by: Carrie | July 24, 2008 at 01:15 AM
OK, so what happens if you are old and not pregnant and you still manage to pee on your skirt? Is it time for depends? Just sayin'. Inquiring minds "have" to know.
You are seriously too much! ;)
Posted by: Chris | July 24, 2008 at 12:35 AM
I had a problem with public toilets the 2nd time around- toward the end whenever I would hover over the toilet, the pee ended up all over my pants and legs. Apparently the big belly offset my aim terribly- luckily I was usually wearing the same pair of black pants so it wasn't so apparent I was walking around Target with piss all over me.
Posted by: emily | July 23, 2008 at 10:48 PM
I did the tuck, too. And of course, the same thing happened to me. I wore a lot of pants during pregnancy.
Posted by: Channah | July 23, 2008 at 10:23 PM
Hee! I did the tuck, too, when I was pregnant. Hey, whatever works, you know?
Posted by: Asianmommy | July 23, 2008 at 09:34 PM
What if it happens 7 years after giving birth to one's last child? Is it embarrassing then?
Damn.
Posted by: Jennifer H | July 23, 2008 at 06:40 PM
After I gave birth (all 3 times) I seemed to lose the ability to stop the urine flow...or FEEL that the urine was still flowing. I'd go to wipe and discover that I was indeed still peeing...who knew!?
Posted by: Tammy | July 23, 2008 at 04:21 PM
I see what you're doing here.... if we all laugh maybe one of us will join your little pee party. Not gonna budge.
Posted by: robyn | July 23, 2008 at 04:05 PM
Mom Ink- definitely not a Southern thing. I'm in South Carolina.
Posted by: Wendy | July 23, 2008 at 03:47 PM
Nothing is embarrassing when you're pregnant. Play that pregnancy card for as long as you can! It's when you're not pregnant and pee on yourself that's a bit of an issue. Smiles!
Posted by: Wifey | July 23, 2008 at 03:32 PM
Thanks for giving me another perk to add to the "why adoption rocks" list.
I'm with Wendy...you stand to wipe? Is that just the way y'all do it in the south?
Posted by: Mom, Ink. | July 23, 2008 at 03:02 PM
I did it when I WASN'T pregnant. Which, I think, is worse. Much worse.
Posted by: Miss Grace | July 23, 2008 at 02:45 PM
If a Preggo Pees on Herself and No One is Around to See It, Is It Still Embarrassing?
-Not unless you post it on the internet for the entire world to see.
And I just have to ask... You wipe standing up? How the hell do you manage that? I'm barely co-ordinated enough to do it sitting down.
Posted by: Wendy | July 23, 2008 at 02:35 PM
Please take some comfort in knowing that you don't have to be preggers to, um, have a yellow tail. My best (meaning, WORST) experience with this was at the Governors Ball at the St. Francis Yacht Club in SF. Imagine finally getting to rest your stilletto-heeled and very barking pups while you relieve yourself of the many cocktails you've tossed back only to discover that your beautiful cream colored *satin* sash has been swirling in PEE soup the entire time. Just beautiful. I told my date I got it wet while washing my hands. He bought it. Cripes.
Posted by: Moxie Mommy | July 23, 2008 at 02:17 PM
LOL! Love it
Posted by: Jen | July 23, 2008 at 02:10 PM
Thank GOD, I'm not the only person who did this while preggers....
Only a couple of months left, yeah, I know it seems like an eternity, but October will be here soon.
Posted by: Sheri | July 23, 2008 at 01:16 PM
yoga pants. there is just no other third trimester choice really...
Posted by: ali | July 23, 2008 at 12:25 PM
I have a non-maternity shrug/tie in front thing that I must tuck into my cleavage before peeing. I have frequently left the public restroom with it still tucked in...
There is so little dignity in pregnancy.
Posted by: Manic Mommy | July 23, 2008 at 12:23 PM
I like to call it the "no holds barred" part of pregnancy. You lose your dignity, you have no shame... and yup, I guess you pee on yourself!
Posted by: Jen | July 23, 2008 at 12:22 PM
I'm gonna have to go with no on this one. I won't admit to doing it myself either way, but yeah my final answer is no...unless Q tells everyone in sight and then you're SOL.
Mine for you is, if a preggo chick orders a non-decaf coffee from Starbucks and no one see it, cause she's in the drive through, does it count? And what ass decided that preggo chicks can't have coffee in the first place?
Hey, you're having a third baby? Dang I've missed a lot, in fact last time I came by, I think you didn't have the second yet. I am preggo too by the way, due mid-September. Congrats.
Posted by: Issa | July 23, 2008 at 11:29 AM
This is the type of stuff I have to loof forward to? Seriously? I thought about laughing...but laughing would only double seal my fate!
Posted by: Melisa | July 23, 2008 at 11:20 AM
BWAAAA HAHA HA HAHAHAAAAAAAA!
OMG.
Posted by: the new girl | July 23, 2008 at 11:14 AM
I think this should be the "let's just go naked" trimester.
Posted by: Miss Britt | July 23, 2008 at 11:10 AM
I gather it up in the front with one hand, so it isn't dangling in the back. I have more of a problem with shirts with long ties. (Not that you wanted to know, but another thing you could watch out for)
Posted by: Heather | July 23, 2008 at 10:34 AM
Mel, don't count on getting control of your bladder back as soon as you get control of your uterus back. You may be sorely disappointed!
Posted by: Angel | July 23, 2008 at 10:28 AM
So I've always wondered if other people stand up to wipe... I always close the door on my BF so that he doesn't think I'm weird.. but since you do it too... Maybe I'll even stand up AND walk across the room and wipe.. Or not.
Posted by: Summer | July 23, 2008 at 10:19 AM
I think you need a muu muu. Preferably one in an obnoxious pattern. Then you could pee all over it and no one would notice, because they'd be too busy saying, "OMG, look at that poor woman in the muu muu. Doesn't she know that maternity clothes have come a long way since 1977?"
Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com
Posted by: Amy | July 23, 2008 at 09:38 AM
YIKES! but at least you're still cute (yesterday's photos prove that!)
Posted by: Angie in Texas | July 23, 2008 at 09:24 AM
Okay, now, see... as "She of the incontinent Pregnant bladder" myself, I was all set for this to be a post about the problem I have... which is peeing on myself when nowhere near a bathroom. Laughing? Sneezing? BREATHING too hard? Check. Have been forced to make mad dash for dry underpants in all of these situations. By now I should really surrender myself to depends until after the baby vacates my uterus, but I'm stubborn enough to endure the possibility for humiliation JUST to teach the baby who's boss. Sadly, I think the only lesson the kid will learn (and sooner, rather than later) is that his Mama is nutzo. But, hey.
Posted by: MeL | July 23, 2008 at 09:21 AM
Wow. I'm 4 months along this week - I can't WAIT to get to that stage... of course I don't often wear skirts so maybe I just won't wear them at all :) Sorry for your loss!
Posted by: Rusti | July 23, 2008 at 09:20 AM
I thought I was the only one that happened to!
Posted by: Barbara | July 23, 2008 at 08:58 AM
Caren -
You are entirely too smart and with it to be reading this blog... :)
(DUH!).
Posted by: Motherhood Uncensored | July 23, 2008 at 08:20 AM
It's always sad to lose a clothing item to the pregnancy.
Posted by: CarolynOnline | July 23, 2008 at 08:07 AM
Another option is to take the skirt down like pants. then it misses the toilet completely, and you dont have to do any tucking anywhere :) Thats what I always did.
Posted by: Caren Story | July 23, 2008 at 07:57 AM
Another reason I just don't wear skirts unless I absolutely HAVE to. At least when you're preggo you don't have to endure pantyhose as well. That's a plus.
Posted by: Amanda | July 23, 2008 at 07:02 AM
i've never done that one, but I have a few incidences of outfit changes in the middle of the day. gotta love being a girl.
Posted by: ali | July 23, 2008 at 06:56 AM
I haven't been pregnant in almost 3 years and I STILL tuck my skirt into my shirt to go to the bathroom.
I like my hands free just in case. LOL
Posted by: Christina | July 23, 2008 at 06:43 AM