It looks like the last physical manifestation of my youth has officially bit the dust.
Continence is completely underrated, particularly if you have mastered it, enjoyed it for most of your life, and apparently taken it for granted.
I was feeling pretty proud of my bladder and its ability to hold pee amidst many years of a public restroom phobia and three babies.
But I suppose that all good, voluntary bodily functions must come to an end.
What kills me is that in giving ourselves for the benefit of the next generation, we watch our boobs get pulled Southward, our assholes get turned inside out, and our beautiful "flowers" go from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde.
I've sort of come to grips with all that nonsense. But can't we at least be able to pee when we want?
Granted, I don't just pee at random times of the day. But add a little sneeze into the mix and as I learned yesterday, that's just enough to let the walls of my usually quite sturdy bladder collapse. And while it's not like I flooded my kitchen or anything, if you have to change your clothes in the middle of the day for no other reason than you just peed yourself, then well, your continence is no longer something you can brag about.
So in order to maintain some semblance of a self-esteem, I'm campaigning for new bragging rights. Screw you sanctimommies with your kids who can read at 18 months and turn their nose down on anything but organic spinach puree and tofu. And f-off you celebrimoms, wearing pre-pregnancy jeans two weeks post-partum and bouncing quarters off your boobs.
Let's get down to the shit that really matters.
My daughter can pick her nose like nobody's business and my son can create an uncanny amount of snot given just the right cold virus.
And as for me, well I've got so many hemorrhoids that I can't find my own asshole. If I'm not wearing a bra, I can rest my boobs on my gigantic pregnant belly and actually feel somewhat supported.
And when I sneeze, I can take a piss without even trying.
Go ahead and beat that.
Honey, I still tinkle on myself and it's been a year and a half since I had Aidan.
Eff those who get into their size 4s right after birth.
Posted by: A Jill of All Trades | July 30, 2008 at 09:42 PM
Here's a little known secret...at Camp Baby, HBM and Tracey made me laugh so hard at the table I peed my pants. Luckily, I had a long shirt on, but still. You're not alone.
Posted by: Izzy | July 18, 2008 at 11:54 AM
I just love to read your blog!
Posted by: Kara | July 18, 2008 at 12:18 AM
You are my hero!
Posted by: Lee | July 17, 2008 at 04:13 AM
When I was pregnant with our third (and *last* thank God!) I couldn't empty my bladder. So I would pee for like 2 seconds and then nothing. It started as soon as I got pregnant, too, so I went through 40 weeks of always needing to pee. I think that was why I was so exhausted. The most exciting thing for me about finally having Tripp was just peeing for like an hour.
And of course, since my bladder was always full, a cough or sneeze or giggle made me pee. I had to wear panty liners just to leave the house. Good luck with it.
http://notesfromthesleepdeprived.blogspot.com
Posted by: Wendy | July 14, 2008 at 07:33 PM
We all start pregnancy with high hopes, don't we?
With my last one, I gained 60 pounds and it took me just under 3 years to lose it all.
This time around, I'm 28 weeks tomorrow and I've already gained 30+ pounds. I thought I was eating better this time, I swear....what has happened? ARGH!!!
Posted by: Multi-Tasking Mommy | July 14, 2008 at 08:00 AM
I hear ya!
My boob size is 38-Long.
I had to do lots of the pelvic exercises after Luke so I would stop peeing when I sneezed or coughed heavily. Motherhood is hard in more ways then one.
Posted by: Going Crunchy | July 13, 2008 at 12:18 AM
Great, I'm laughing so hard I just speezed!
Posted by: katie | July 12, 2008 at 10:20 PM
LAUREN:
"I pee when I sneeze, laugh too hard, and sometimes orgasm."
If it was a package deal I could live with the former in return for the latter...of course I would probably stay home watching funny things ALL THE TIME.
:)
Posted by: Jamie E | July 12, 2008 at 05:11 PM
Pee-Sneezer? Check
Nose-Picker? Check, check, and check
Pre-schooler who refuses to potty train but does remove his shitty diaper then attempt to rub his ass on the dog? You know it: check-a-roonie!
Posted by: Manic Mommy | July 11, 2008 at 10:48 PM
Eh, I'm not even pregnant and I just peed the bed last week. Yeah. You're jealous.
Posted by: Karly | July 11, 2008 at 10:16 PM
Oh yeah, I can beat that. When 16 weeks pregnant with #3, my bladder decided it didn't like being stuck way up in my body and decided to come out and see the light of day. Bladder control? Yeah, those words have a totally different meaning for me.
Posted by: Fairly Odd Mother | July 11, 2008 at 09:54 PM
T is becoming a champion picker...and eater. Hold your jealousy.
Posted by: Mom101 | July 11, 2008 at 08:59 PM
Since my second child my bladder is just one more thing that doesn't listen to me! These remedies people are giving you will never work you can Kegal till the cows come home (a popular phrase) Try this: Take everything too seriously to stop from laughing, only jump if suddenly placed on a bed of hot coals, and read my humor blog on the toilet. http://www.suburbanjungle.wordpress.com
I love your voice and I have a feeling you'll enjoy mine. That maybe the most sexually charged thing I've said all year... don't tell my husband.
Thanks for the laughs,
Jenny
Posted by: Suburban Jungle | July 11, 2008 at 03:46 PM
I'm only 6 weeks along, but it seems like I've been speezing forever! Probably due to the surgeries for endometriosis, or maybe the endo itself.
Also, am I the only one who calls that little pee that sneaks out when sneezing (or laughing, or choking, or vomiting...) a speeze? Just wondering.
Posted by: Erin | July 11, 2008 at 03:43 PM
There is a reason the top drawer of my bathroom vanity contains packages of clean underpants.
And nose-picking is absolutely bragworthy in a child. One of my kids NEVER pickes her nose, and teh result is that sometimes (shudder) I have to do it for her. Just to clear the way, so to speak.
Posted by: Veronica @ Toddled Dredge | July 11, 2008 at 03:43 PM
Oh how I love thee... went out shopping last week by myself, because unlike the celebrimommies you mention in the post, no way this body is getting in pre prego jeans any time soon (my kids are 6 and 3)... anyway, finally getting a day to myself and enjoying the ride down the interstate listening to my own music and out of the f-ing blue I sneeze and wouldn't you know... freakin' pissed myself and farted all at the same time! Gotta love the triple whammy!
Posted by: Leah | July 11, 2008 at 03:35 PM
I can beat that. You haven't lived until you've got your head stuck in the toilet for the millionth time, praying you don't pass out - again, and you puke so hard you not only pee, but you shit your pants too. I'd like to slap whoever said pregnancy is beautiful.
Posted by: Amanda | July 11, 2008 at 01:57 PM
When I was preg with my first son and had the "breathing too hard and peeing myself" problem I asked my mom about it. She had NO IDEA what I was talking about. Although my mom probably gained 8 pounds when she was preg. So I was so embarressed. Then My SIL said it happened to her all the time. I felt so much better. And now that I have 3 little ones ages 4 and under I feel better again that I am not the only one out here! Feeling better because others are peeing themselves too? Is this what its come to! ;)
Posted by: Theresa | July 11, 2008 at 01:19 PM
I do recall the kegels help a lot.
Posted by: Carolina Mama | July 11, 2008 at 01:06 PM
*SIGH*
Here I was hoping this would go away with time and dutiful kegels... my daughter is 7 months old. I pee when I sneeze, laugh too hard, and sometimes orgasm.
But the WORST is aerobics class. The first time I had to cut my workout short because the high-impact bouncing was too much ON MY BLADDER...
I tell you what, I am ALL glamour over here!
Posted by: Lauren | July 11, 2008 at 12:35 PM
Sigh, yes it's true. I think many are in the same boat. Numerous items I took for granted or enjoyed doing with ease priior to pregnancy are now cause for a pants change- sneezing, coughing, laughing hard, jumping jacks, jumping on a trampoline... the list goes on and on.
Posted by: Jen W | July 11, 2008 at 09:24 AM
Dude, after 4 kids I have to cross my legs EVERY TIME that I sneeze or I;ll be changing my britches! And when I laugh or cough very hard, or...well you get my point. I tried those Kegels, and for me, a total waste of time!
Posted by: Jenn | July 11, 2008 at 02:56 AM
After I had my first child (and changed the bottom half of my outfit more times than I can freaking count), I came up with this little ditty...
Before you sneeze, you gotta squeeze.
(Nice when I remember. But I still can't run or do jumping jacks. Not that I did much of either before babies!)
Good luck. And squeeze.
Posted by: Jennifer H | July 11, 2008 at 02:51 AM
I remember those days! I would have to prepare myself to cough. Thankfully, it got better quickly after the baby was delivered!
Posted by: Asianmommy | July 11, 2008 at 01:48 AM
It's times like this I'm so glad I can't get pregnant. Sorry.
Posted by: LiteralDan | July 11, 2008 at 12:42 AM
I know whereof you speak. I had a bad, bad cough for 3 weeks this winter...and a bad bad pee problem for 3 weeks. I felt like a naughty puppy, peeing when I shouldn't. It was really freaking depressing.
Kegeling madly.
Posted by: Suebob | July 10, 2008 at 11:56 PM
I know this is your post and not mine so I'll try to keep it short:)
Until the most recent pregnancy, I thought I could pee when I wanted. So,imagine having to hold off on the morning puking, pee quickly, then resume morning sickness only to STILL piss all over yourself. My husband was nice enough to bring me a clean pair of undies without being asked(after the first time). Good times. How can I possibly berate my almost five year old for wetting herself a few times a week when I am a full grown adult who can't master the task? I truly treasure my poise panty liners. I am not even the least bit embarrassed about buying them anymore. I'd rather get the look from the kid at Walgreen's then have to walk around smelling like pee every time I cough, sneeze, laugh too hard or get heartburn so bad that I puke. Oh and now that I have only a few weeks left I am turning into the crabbiest person ever, not that you asked.....
Posted by: Jamie E | July 10, 2008 at 08:58 PM
You know, J&J makes the surgical equipment to fix that problem. You can use your uterine prolapse mirror to inspect the damage.
Now imagine this room is your vagina...
(Sorry folks - Camp Baby insider joke.)
Posted by: Christina | July 10, 2008 at 08:46 PM
(taking a big breath for courage...)
Hello, my name is Beth, and I pee my pants.
I pee when I sneeze. I pee when I cough. I pee when I laugh too hard, and I definatley pee when I puke. A LOT.
Thank you for creating such a safe forum for admission. Now, I'll still pee my pants, but at least I won't be peeing ALONE.
Posted by: just beth | July 10, 2008 at 08:09 PM
Get thee some Depends pantiliners!
Posted by: Lotta | July 10, 2008 at 07:48 PM
Hilarious! It's my 1st time around, at 29 weeks, and since about week 2 I have peed every time I sneeze, cough, or throw up. Luckily, I have been constipated the whole time, to make up for it I suppose. I admire your fortitude in going for your 3rd kid!
Posted by: stephanie | July 10, 2008 at 07:17 PM
Ok. I had the sneeze-pee down to an art. If I felt a sneeze coming I would STOP what ever I was doing to cross my legs to sneeze. This was a pain while driving. Sometimes you just have to sneeze.
All I can say now is KEGEL KEGEL KEGEL.. It worked for me.
Now I only have to watch if I am squeezed, you know those bear hugs your family gives when they haven't seen you in a year, or if I am laughing too much while drinking. :)
Good luck with the 'riods, my favorite is the 'roids wipes..AHHHH
Posted by: Cherie | July 10, 2008 at 06:13 PM
Glad to know I'm not the only one who pees when I sneeze! I have to drive the kids to the park that's right up the street because, should I need to use the bathroom, I wouldn't make the walk home!
Posted by: The Glamorous WAHM | July 10, 2008 at 04:58 PM
Three. C-sections.
Do you know what they do to your bladder during those things? If you don't, check it out: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/c-section/MM00531
Peeing on demand can only be topped by peeing without demand at all. Ha.
Posted by: Angel | July 10, 2008 at 03:51 PM
I had it so bad I decided on surgery when youngest was three. I strongly recommend it too. Best thing I've done for myself. I can run, jump and chase my kids around like I hadn't done in years.
Posted by: My Kids' Mom | July 10, 2008 at 03:09 PM
Both of my kids pick their noses. Kids are gross.
And now I know what I have to look forward too as I get farther along in my third pregnancy, Peeing. Yay.
Posted by: Valeta | July 10, 2008 at 03:05 PM
Can you imagine if a man had to endure all this shit to give birth. We wouldn't be here to write about it because there would have been no 'dawn of man' in the first place. My hubby gets a cold and it's like the world is coming to an end. He could never endure pregnancy. I for one, loved the baby thing - the making of and the having...not the gestating part.
My boobs got so abnormally large that I slammed the car door on my right one so hard that I screamed out loud. Neighbors thought I was going into labor and came a'runnin.
As far as the pee thing goes - I am afraid to tell you that it doesn't get better ...Hell, I yawn and pee comes out. Nor do the 'roids.
Posted by: swirl girl | July 10, 2008 at 02:53 PM
@jen: OMG. Pussy Therapy. I'm going to DIE.
Dude. I used to sneeze-n-pee BEFORE I had a kid.
Can you imagine what I'm dealing with now???
Posted by: the new girl | July 10, 2008 at 02:32 PM
Wow...you sound like me and this is only my 1st pregnancy. And these days, I have a baby doing a headstand on my bladder so any movement is a direct hit...I told one of my coworkers that I think I need to just move my office into the restroom...it would be much mor efficient!
Posted by: Sara | July 10, 2008 at 12:58 PM
I just laughed so hard I peed myself ;)
Posted by: Miss Grace | July 10, 2008 at 12:31 PM
Ugh, you make motherhood sound so glamorous. :) I'm actually glad that I read blogs of mothers because I won't be able to pretend like I didn't know what I was getting into.
:) Becky
http://www.stinkylemsky.typepad.com/
Posted by: Becky | July 10, 2008 at 12:30 PM
Augh. I just did kegels reading this- I've posted about this too- I just peed my pants on Sunday for millionth time it feels like this second pregnancy. I feel your pain.
It's stuff like this that makes my husband say, "I'm glad I don't have to be pregnant!" Thanks.
Posted by: Vicky | July 10, 2008 at 12:26 PM
So funny and so true.
The little things that carry your
child will do to your body.
Mine included!
Posted by: Melissa P. | July 10, 2008 at 11:29 AM
My 3 year old's also a champion booger-picker. But my 11 month old's boogers should win awards simply for their horrifying SIZE. Seriously, how does a cute little baby button nose house those monsters?
And yes, I pick the baby's nose. I admit it.
Posted by: Marketing Mommy (Alma) | July 10, 2008 at 11:28 AM
That Depends ad just made me pee myself.
Posted by: mothergoosemouse | July 10, 2008 at 11:23 AM
Gosh, I just love reading what I have to look forward after the birth of my first and even more if we decide we have to have more than one! ;-P
Posted by: Melisa | July 10, 2008 at 11:21 AM
This is the sole reason I will not have a 4th child... there were waaaay too many close calls while pregnant with my third. It's just plain evil to have to leave Target, mid-shopping, because you've got to pee NOW!
Posted by: Undomestic Diva | July 10, 2008 at 11:17 AM
I think I just fell in love with you...
...no I'm not a freak...relax...
Posted by: Tammy | July 10, 2008 at 11:00 AM
C'mon jen -- the truth will set you free. :)
Posted by: Motherhood Uncensored | July 10, 2008 at 10:19 AM
It is a good thing that I had just peed, or else I would have pissed my pants...and I've only had one kid!!
Posted by: christy | July 10, 2008 at 10:12 AM
Not gonna lie... this is probably one of the best posts I've ever read.
If I am half as funny as you when I become a mom, I will consider myself a lucky woman. Spontaneous peeing and all.
Posted by: Ginger | July 10, 2008 at 09:54 AM
Confession: Reading this site scares me from conceiving children.
Posted by: jen | July 10, 2008 at 09:37 AM
Hey I'm on my first (28 weeks) and I have had the pee-sneeze syndrome since the first trimester. It isn't a lot that comes out or anything but just enough to make you feel uncomfortable. Actually what I think is worse than the pee-sneeze is the after-pee-pee, you know after you pee if you don't want a few seconds for the backup pee to come out you soak your undies, what the hell is that? I guess I have two bladders, one that holds 99.5% of my liquids and they other that holds only .5% and it is the .5% bladder that is a real pain in the ass!
Posted by: Candace | July 10, 2008 at 09:28 AM
After 5 kids...
Well, let's just say I feel your pain.
Posted by: Rebecca | July 10, 2008 at 09:16 AM
Depends are huge. Poise pads are where it's at.
Thank me later.
Kegel, kegel, kegel.
Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com
Posted by: Amy | July 10, 2008 at 08:59 AM
I just felt the intense need to cheer. So been there. So heading back to it as we speak.
Posted by: Amie | July 10, 2008 at 08:38 AM
I applaud your honesty! After 2 kids I can't do jumping jacks or sneeze hard without peeing myself - and my youngest will be 2 in December, so it stayed with me even after pregnancy. God its so f'in fantastic. Best part is I recently got physical therapy down below to fix it. PT for short which my husband now lovingly calls "pussy therapy" LOL!
My 4 year old is a nose picking champ too. I'm pretty sure she can get in as deep as her elbow if she wants.
Boobs? Well unless I'm breastfeeding I barely have them. It's a curse and a blessing all at once. :-D
Posted by: Jen | July 10, 2008 at 08:28 AM
I can hold picture frames to the walls with the boogers that my 2 kids pick - they are like some new mutant superglue.
Posted by: Bikini | July 10, 2008 at 08:03 AM
When I was 8 months pregnant I peed myself right in the middle of Target. I told anyone who would listen my water just broke, and the next day I went out and bought a ginormous box of Depends.
Prengancy's a bitch, innit?
Posted by: Mommy Who? | July 10, 2008 at 08:02 AM
Left alone long enough my kid will eat his own poop. Oh, just an added bonus laughing hard will make me pee. Like last night when my 19 month old started shouting PENIS! PENIS! for no reason. There was not a cock in site.
Posted by: melissa | July 10, 2008 at 08:00 AM
Right there with you. At 26 weeks, I suddenly measure at 29 weeks and everything is bigger and "better" except for my bladder and ability to hold pee. And my 3 year old is a champion picker too. I can only hope that the 2nd one will have a simlar ability.
Posted by: Katie | July 10, 2008 at 07:09 AM