Continence is completely underrated, particularly if you have mastered it, enjoyed it for most of your life, and apparently taken it for granted.
I was feeling pretty proud of my bladder and its ability to hold pee amidst many years of a public restroom phobia and three babies.
But I suppose that all good, voluntary bodily functions must come to an end.
What kills me is that in giving ourselves for the benefit of the next generation, we watch our boobs get pulled Southward, our assholes get turned inside out, and our beautiful "flowers" go from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde.
I've sort of come to grips with all that nonsense. But can't we at least be able to pee when we want?
Granted, I don't just pee at random times of the day. But add a little sneeze into the mix and as I learned yesterday, that's just enough to let the walls of my usually quite sturdy bladder collapse. And while it's not like I flooded my kitchen or anything, if you have to change your clothes in the middle of the day for no other reason than you just peed yourself, then well, your continence is no longer something you can brag about.
So in order to maintain some semblance of a self-esteem, I'm campaigning for new bragging rights. Screw you sanctimommies with your kids who can read at 18 months and turn their nose down on anything but organic spinach puree and tofu. And f-off you celebrimoms, wearing pre-pregnancy jeans two weeks post-partum and bouncing quarters off your boobs.
Let's get down to the shit that really matters.
My daughter can pick her nose like nobody's business and my son can create an uncanny amount of snot given just the right cold virus.
And as for me, well I've got so many hemorrhoids that I can't find my own asshole. If I'm not wearing a bra, I can rest my boobs on my gigantic pregnant belly and actually feel somewhat supported.
And when I sneeze, I can take a piss without even trying.
Go ahead and beat that.