Motherhood Uncensored: July 2008

« June 2008 | Main | August 2008 »

17 posts from July 2008

July 31, 2008

Blog the Recession

*Thanks to all who participated. I'll be posting the winners this week!*

If you haven't noticed, July has been a pretty shitastic month around the blogosphere. Fortunately, I've not fallen prey to what has got to be the result of Bush pissing off Mercury to keep it in retrograde for the whole fucking summer. Unless you count the fact that my husband's libido is currently on strike.

Plus, he's a pilot, and planes need gas, and gas is expensive.

You do the math.

But I seriously find myself twittering a communal "God I'm So Sorry" on a daily basis.

Maybe it's hard to compare frankenvulvas, cut-short vacations, and bush-peeing bladder infections to job loss, sick parents, and the adoption roller coaster.

And then there's cancer (or as she just found out, NOT CANCER!) and loss.

So instead of typing "God I'm so sorry" yet again, I've created Blog the Recession Month.

The premise is simple. If you read blogs, then for the month of August, make the "pledge" to click through from your feed reader. No obligation to leave a hilarious comment or send a long stalkerish email (although both, within reason, are always lovely). Just click through to the blog (not on ads unless you are so led) and if you're feeling generous, click around to their older posts.

Just those extra page views can make a big difference for bloggers who could really use the help, or in my case, where page views don't matter so much, a big fat ego boost.

(Might as well inflate the ego since everything else about me is inflated these days)

(Oh, and I do link up some cool shit in my sidebar so that's worth checking, especially today)

If you feel like hopping on the bandwagon (c'mon, it's fun and I'm a really great driver), then all you need to do is grab a button -- see below, slap it on your blog, and [~~beg, plead~~] ask your readers to click through on their feed readers or blogrolls and do the same within a post.

Send me the link to your post and I'll link you up here and enter you to win some *fantastic prizes.

*Nautilus 3-in-1 Car Seat, courtesy of Graco (woo!)

*A new blog header ($90 value - certain platform restrictions apply), courtesy of Ruby & Roja Design

*A lovely handmade blanket "in cool colors," courtesy of Amelia Sprout

*Kid's Backpack - winner's choice, courtesy of Land's End

*Peace Love Mom Tee - winner's choice [use code Motherhood for 10% off orders over $20]

*Zivio Blue Tooth Headset by Joby, courtesy of Motherhood Uncensored

*A handmade set of wooden blocks and a wooden teether, courtesy of Little Alouette (Amy's Etsy Shop)

*$50 Amazon Gift Card

*TEN Paknaks (one to each of 10 winners), courtesy of Pak Nak

*TEN cases of Water (one to each of 10 winners), courtesy of Primo Water

*Basket of mom and baby essentials, courtesy of Johnson & Johnson

*The Rookie Moms Handbook, courtesy of The Rookie Moms (duh)

*Winner's choice of necklace/bracelet/earring set or a watch and earring or bracelet set, courtesy of Cheeky Sweetie.

*$50 Gift Card to Wine.com (you know, for WINE GLASSES PEOPLE - ahem), courtesy of Savvy Mommy

*Fantastic gift basket of homemade goodness, courtesy of Fluid Pudding

*A Wow Wow Wubzy Gift Pack

*Two DVD's: Johnny and the Sprites:Meet the Sprites and My Friends Tigger & Pooh: Friendly Tales compliments of Soy is the New Black and The Full Mommy.

*$50 Gift Certificate to Itty Bitty Lady Bug

*500 free digital camera prints (plus 200 free), courtesy of Snapfish (and HP)

And let's hope August is better for everyone.

Blog the Recession Month Participants (make sure you write a post, dudes, and email me!):

3 Garnets & 2 Sapphires

Adventures in Babywearing

Adventures in Juggling

All Because Two People Fell in Love

Amanda: A Stay at Home Mom's Point of View

Amelia Sprout

Assertagirl

Auguries of Innocence

Charming & Delightful

Compost Happens

Cool Zebras

Cynical Dad

Diary of a Mad Liberal Mommy

Dirt & Noise

Domestic Extraordinaire

Fabulous Running Mommy

Following in My Shoes

Freak Parade

From Dates to Diapers

From Here to There and Everywhere

From the Planet of Janet

Glossy Veneer

Growing a Baby in Seattle

Gwendomama

Havoc & Mayhem

Herb of Grace

HouseholdSix Scrappin' & Bloggin'

I Should Be Folding Laundry

I Still Hate Pickles

If I Could Escape

Illahee's Blog

I'm Beautiful Like Me

Issa's Crazy World

It's All For the Best

Just Another SAHM

Just Beth

Just Enjoying Life

K is for Kindergarten

Karen Sugarpants

Karma Rack Up

Knitting Without Needles

Life: The Ongoing Education

Life Candy

Life in the Lapadula House

Life is Like Champagne

Loralee's Looney Tunes

Mom to the Screaming Masses

My Life as a Hot Fessional

My Life for the World to See

My Sweet Babboo

My Quest for Sanity

Natural Moms Talk Radio

Not a DIY Life

Not Just a Working Mom

Not Your Typical Mommy

Notes from the Cookie Jar

Notes from the Sleep Deprived

Now I Know What Love Is

Putting the Fun in Dysfunctional

Ramblings of a Texas Housewife

Ride the Waves of Life

Rimarama

Run DMT

Sacred & the Profane

Sarah & The Goon Squad

Savvy Mommy

Scarlett Threads

Scientific Nature of the Whammy

Sometimes I Wonder...

Stop Screaming I'm Driving!

Superdumb Supervillain

Tales from the Dad Side

Taste Like Crazy

Tara's View of the World

The Life of a Bosom Buddy

The Life of a Home Mom

The Light's On, But No One's Home

Wandering the Academy

Welcome to Twinseltown

*If you happen to have fantastic prizes (jobs and money are greatly appreciated), feel free to drop me an email and we'll talk.

**Pssst. PBN is giving away 8 Gift Cards with our Blog Blast with Couponers this weekend. Mark your calendar! And it's open to Canadians!

[Thanks to motherbumper and Trista for the buttons!]

Posted by Motherhooduncensored at 10:58 PM in Random Junk | Permalink | Comments (195) | TrackBack (1)

July 30, 2008

Little Man, Big World

The three-inch height difference between me and the huz isn't that glaringly obvious during typical circumstances. We're generally about the same weight, body type, hell, even shoe size, and so while it might not be the whole "strong man, dainty woman" scenario that my mother-in-law seems to think he should have gone after, it works.

Well, that and he has a *huge penis so it all evens out.

But when I'm wearing the body of a 200 lb pregnant woman, well let's just say it looks like a pregnant giraffe decided to rob the meer cat cradle.

When I hug him, he literally disappears behind me, and when I attempt to romantically drape myself across his lap, and he gets up looking like Wile E. Coyote who just fell off a cliff and is smushed into the ground.

And sex? SEX? Oh dear god. His groans have turned to gasps -- for air, that is.

Now it's not all totally on me because well, he's small. He's a little man, who unfortunately is made to look extra tiny when walking around with his Jurassic wife.

Of course, it's an ongoing joke around our house -- his chicken legs and my thunder thighs go to battle on a regular basis. Because when even your husband can't physically roll you over from your back to your side during the middle of the night without straining himself, all you can do is joke about it.

The only problem is that the "jokes" tend to be strongly favored in my direction. There's only so many "little man" jokes you can deliver. And considering his jokes are more like "not-so-jokes," or what I like to call "Things You Should Never Say to Your Wife Especially Your Pregnant Wife Who Could Crush You With Her One Thigh You Stupid Little Man," then there's just nothing really good that I can come back with, other than something about Slim Good Body and prairie dogs and those just don't have the same sting that a pre-op Carnie Wilson or Droopers do.

So when Quinlan came running into the kitchen and screamed "Look Daddy! Here are your shorts!" with great delight, I couldn't stop laughing.

Mainly because they weren't his shorts, but rather, a pair of Drew's pants.

Of course, tomorrow she'll probably come running down with our couch slip cover and tell me she found my nightgown, but hell did I laugh.

And then snort.

Oh well. It was good while it lasted.

*[I was not paid or given large amounts of oral sex to disclose that totally true sohelpmegod factoid]

Posted by Motherhooduncensored at 5:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (34) | TrackBack (0)

July 28, 2008

Save the Earth: Stop Having Kids

On a recent radio appearance, I was asked if I felt guilty for having three kids. Apparently adding another child to my brood is contributing to the rapid deterioration of this planet.

I've only briefly read varying opinions on the subject, ranging from reasonable environmentalists trying to find viable options, to full-blown extremists who think breeding is a careless act against the earth.

Dr. Guillebaud, the main guest on the above mentioned appearance (Overpopulation, if you want to download), is hardly as controversial as other environmentalists who offer strong opinions regarding "serial breeders." He maintains that an emphasis on family planning is a viable option for saving the earth, and insists that he does not support implementing a law requiring families be limited to two children.

And he rides a bike to work. So, it's not like he's some asshole white dude driving an SUV telling us all to stop having kids.

Bill McKibben, well-known environmentalist with whom I recently spoke with regarding 350.org, wrote an entire book offering an environmental rationale for families limiting themselves to one child.

The truth is that an emphasis on family planning as an environmental act makes logical sense. But I can't help but be concerned that some people are disguising their anti-kids attitude as being environmentally friendly.

And I definitely wonder why it just so happens to be men suggesting these options and not women, especially since the probability is extremely high that women are the ones who will receiving these suggestions.

It's no secret that the earth is overpopulated, and if we can slow down the population we can probably slow down the dramatic impact we're having on the planet.

But I also wonder if there's more to it -- if we somehow think that we can better influence folks to stop having more kids than we can to get them to stop driving big huge cars. Or wasting water, electricity, and natural resources.

Is family planning actually going to be implemented concurrently with other environmental programs? How would people feel if companies required car pool programs or offered sizable incentives to folks who share rides or utilize public transportation?

I can see it now: Feel free to encourage people to breed less but don't you take away my big giant gas guzzler.

It's clear that extremes could cause huge issues for our country. I'm certain that the idea of modeling a policy after China's "One Child Law" would be a violation of human rights on a variety of levels. And I'm not even sure I support a program that would strongly encourage, or even offer benefits to, families who decided to limit themselves to two children or less or adopt instead of have their own children.

Clearly, there have been and probably always will be people who shouldn't breed and do it anyway.

But then I wouldn't have a husband. (heh).

However, I'm wondering where the line is drawn. Does not having kids allow you to consume more, or blame larger families for killing our earth faster? Or is there something to be said about being aware of our overall impact and how we can make a difference?

Maybe that's less kids for some. Or none for others.

But by no means should the earth's issues fall solely on the shoulders of today's parents or parents-to-be.

Posted by Motherhooduncensored at 5:00 AM in Mom Rants | Permalink | Comments (79) | TrackBack (0)

July 25, 2008

There Are Heroes Among Us

Regardless of how many times I try to tell myself not to worry about the whole soft marker situation, I'm still going to do it. I imagine it has much to do with being human, and probably just as much to do with being me.

I find myself seeing signs in everything. If I add up all the times I've seen a child with down syndrome and factor in all the hours I have spent working as a therapist with children with special needs, the result is one heaping load of anxiety that will most likely translate into nothing.

But the possibility that it could be something is enough to plague me.

Truthfully, I don't want to be a hero. I realize that in being mothers, we're all heroes in one way or another. We nurture. We sacrifice. We pick ourselves up from by our stretched out underpants and go on. We ask for no credit, no praise, no special awards for doing any of it. Duty called when that test showed up positive or that baby was matched with us, and we didn't think about it.

On most days, I'm just getting by. My children and my marriage often survive by the skin of my teeth. I sometimes feel as though I'm not necessarily living, but rather, just surviving with the hope that we'll all be alive to face the next day. And maybe it will be better than the last.

Maybe.

So when the prospect of having to raise a child that might just push me to the end and call up any small shred of heroism that I've stored for extra special occasions, I am afraid. I'm scared and worried and upset and angry and totally selfish because damnit I never wanted to be a hero. There are so many heroes that did it and are doing it (again, by choice) and I'M NOT ONE OF THEM.

*****

When I spoke to my mom the other day, she reluctantly told me about a viewing she had attended the week prior. As it turns out, it was for her work colleague's granddaughter who was stillborn. Cords and meconium and I got lost in the shock of not really knowing this mother but then thinking to myself YOU STUPID SELFISH BITCH WHAT SHE WOULDN'T GIVE TO HAVE HER BABY ALIVE REGARDLESS OF WHAT CHROMSOMES SHE WAS MISSING.

What my mom wouldn't give to have my sister back. What the bloggers I know, just met, and love wouldn't give to have that baby back in their arms.

SHUT THE FUCK UP. JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU WIMP. YOU FUCKING WIMP.

*****

I'm not sure what lesson I'm supposed to be learning. I know that I'm infinitely blessed that each one of my children are here and with me on this earth. I realize that my petty complaints about my kids being too whatever they are to annoy me that day are just that. Petty and minor and superbly miniscule in comparison to the challenges that are faced by mothers every day.

And I know that regardless of whatever marker is there or is not there anymore, I just don't know when I'm going to be called to duty.

But if there's anything I've learned thus far is that just when we think we're drowning, there's something within us that lifts us up just high enough that we can take a breath. It might not be a big one. And we may struggle to take a few more, but we're still breathing. Alive.

Heroes.

Posted by Motherhooduncensored at 5:00 AM in Mom Rants | Permalink | Comments (73) | TrackBack (0)

July 23, 2008

If a Preggo Pees on Herself and No One is Around to See It, Is It Still Embarrassing?

It's one thing to have to retire your favorite pair of jeans, albeit maternity jeans, because you're hitting the "holy sweatpants and gauchos" trimester. And it's a whole other issue when the only brand new thing you can buy is a necklace (and just barely) because it's the only normal item at a normal store that fits you.

But when you have to put away the cutest skirt ever because you've peed on it twice, then clearly there is something very wrong going on.

I'd love to blame the skirt's extremely fashion forward asymmetrical hemline, but really it has nothing to do with the skirt's construction and rather much more to do with my terribly poor toilet technique. Generally, I'm able to grab the skirt and hold all the uneven ends high enough so there is no chance in hell it would ever hit the toilet water. But since being pregnant, I've actually taken to tucking it into my shirt before taking a seat upon the throne.

[I cannot even believe I'm admitting that I tuck my skirt in my shirt to take a piss but I suppose the first step is acknowledging that I have a problem].

The only problem is the "tuck" only works for the front of the skirt, and leaves the long back section floating dangerously close to the toilet.

Except that for the last two times I have worn it, the skirt has surpassed the close calls and actually fallen into the toilet where I have proceeded to pee upon it only to realize it as my calves got swatted with a lovely combination of piss and toilet water as I stood up to wipe.

Thankfully, I've only been in the presence of my two children when the "pee and swat" has occurred and considering that they've done their own share of peeing on themselves (and me, for that matter), they are probably the most empathic audience.

That was clearly evidenced by my daughter's "Ew, Mommy."

Yeah. I'm pretty sure the toilet-pee water on my ankles felt better.

Posted by Motherhooduncensored at 5:00 AM in Mom Rants | Permalink | Comments (47) | TrackBack (0)

Motherhood Uncensored

No one ever said it was going to be easy...