You Know What They Say About Chicks With Big Noses?

The only ammunition I've got left to make me feel better about my pregnant ass that gets stuck in the toddler playground slide is to joke about my husband's [large, big, protruding] prominent nose.

I realize it's a 6th grade coping mechanism, but when you're feeling shitty about being able to sit on a toy car and not know it's there for a good 20 minutes, it works.

He'll joke about me eating half of Georgia or how my calves could knock out a small child, and then I generally come back with my fairly tired digs like  "How do things smell in China?" or my favorite, "Best not breathe in around the baby or you might suck him up in there."

But the truth of the matter is the prominent nose looks good on him. And Adrien Brody. And Owen Wilson. And on most dudes.

However on chicks, big noses are never prominent. They're just plain big -- which is cool with me, except when you sort of rely on that one body part not growing to the size of a small African village during the [best, most amazing, life changing] longest nine months of your life.

And upon looking in the mirror yesterday morning and seeing nothing but "GIGANTIC FUCKING NOSE TAKING OVER MY FACE HOLY SHIT MY NOSE" apparently I fall into that category. Yes, it seems as though for this pregnancy I'm carrying nose weight, along with all the other weight I carried with the other two. And I'm really afraid that since your nose never stops growing that it might have just decided it was being an underachiever over the last few years and decided now was the time to catch up.

So much for being able to say "Well, so what if I could knock out my toddler with my swinging arm fat. At least my nose is small and cute."

Since carrying the extra nose weight, I've noticed that there are really no ladies out there that have the big ass-big-nose-one-two combo. Gisele has a big nose but absolutely no ass that is visible to human eyes. And Kim Cardashian and J-Lo have big asses and almost no nose to speak of (like anyone is actually looking at their nose anyway).

So thanks to this pregnancy, I'm an anomaly.

I suppose a big nose could be nice in that you can smell your kid's poopy diaper from the neighbor's house. And you never hear anyone complain about things not fitting because of their big nose, except for maybe masks, which haven't been a hot accessory since like, um, ever.

And other than the fact that I've got yet another body part that is almost unrecognizable due to its size, I have absolutely no comebacks. Because "You know what they say about chicks with big noses, right?" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Comments

[karyn]

I think you need a spin doctor here; MAYBE since you live where it's hotter than the surface of the frickin' sun and MAYBE since you bust your ass all day chasing kids and MAYBE since you're burning mondo calories growing this baby... MAYBE you lost a little in the face, and your nose just SEEMS a little larger against your svelte face and exquisite cheekbones. Hm? Hm?

[The Call Me Bobby]

I also go the spreading nose disease with my pregnancies but I was blessed with something else...my lips grew puffy as well. Yes, the ones on my face! Jeeze. It was reminiscent of "Wanda" from the In Living Color Days. How come on Angelina Jolie this is sexy but on me I look like the ass-end of a baboon? I feel your pain!

[mom of 2]

My friends and I call it pregnant nose. The first of our friends to get pregnant had it and we all prayed we wouldn't get it. But around 7 months I looked in the mirror - shit pregnant nose!!!
It does go away though so don't worry.

[Christina]

I'm with you on the big nose. Only mine was big far before pregnancy, and got bigger thanks to those damn hormones.

[Jessica (aka Rose)]

Your nose never stops growing??!!??!!
That right there is the worst news I've ever heard. Man. There is no hope for me.
Sorry. I really want to dole out compassion, but I need to go drown my nose sorrows. WAHHHH.

[Shannon M.]

My sister calls me "Turtle Nose." She says it has little indentions on each side and reminds her of, yes, a turtle's nose.

When I was pregnant, the cute, baby turtle nose grew into a mushroomed mama turtle nose. It was HUGE. When I tell people about it and they're all "Oh, I'm sure it wasn't that big," I whip out a pregnancy pic and they always wince.

I'm happy to report that the swelling went down. But the nose is still not as tiny and cute as it was pre-baby. So I've got bigger feet, a bigger nose and a "bikini" scar to remind me of bringing my presh-us into the world.

[Mom101]

Um, what am I, chopped liver?

[Kelly]

At least your nose isn't starting off big and getting bigger. Oh, the plight of the pregnant Italian/Irish girl with a giant honker to begin with!

But truly, it's unfair. Our bellies and breasts, understandable. But noses? Feet? Ankles? Gah!

[Sheila]

lol my nose got a little bigger, but I could now serve soup off the pores that have gotten HUGE.

My feet grew a size with each child, I am now a 12 and had to stop having kids cause the only shoes that come in a 13 are for cross dressers.

[Undomestic Diva]

The only thing in pregnancy that gets bigger and you would like to stay bigger are the ol' boobies. But then, in some sort of cruel twist of fate, they don't just deflate back to their normal size after, they shrink and shrivel and fall flat F.O.R.E.V.E.R.

Maybe? your nose will shrink back too? Here's to hoping...

[Asianmommy]

Hmmm...I hadn't bothered to look at my nose--I'd better go check! On the other hand, my feet did become gigantic and could no longer fit into my shoes.

[Sabrina]

I LOVE your writing, in fact all The Housewives love it. We want to blogroll you! (as if you need it, lol)

Personally, my front two teeth got Bugs Bunnyesque during my 3rd pregnancy. I think it all falls to hell during the 3rd!

[Bethany Harrington]

I love your writing... just had to add my two cents. my feet keep growing with every pregnancy. which wouldn't be great in itself, but they started at size 11. yeah. i've had three kids. so if i'm lucky, i can fit a 12 Wide. like i don't already have 'wide' issues, if you know what i mean.

oh, the things we go through for our kids.

xo

b

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Lindsee -- Okay, you win!

[Lindsee]

At least your belly button isn't looking like a very small penis.

[Becky]

Lol, I am still chuckling over your masks comment. Too funny.
:) Becky
http://www.stinkylemsky.typepad.com/

[Emily]

No one has ever mentioned nose fat during pregnancy to me before and now I am even more terrified than before. Your blog is the best info a non-prego girl can get - you need to write a book!

[Angel]

Here ya go babygirl:
Big Nose: http://flickr.com/photos/25849745@N02/2481285794/
Big Ass: http://flickr.com/photos/25849745@N02/2481285660/in/set-72157604983678588/

And I'm not even pregnant so I have no excuse, ha!

[The Other Sister-in-Law]

Uh, no, you're not alone. I've got the big butt, big nose combo. Neither one seems to fit the rest of my body proportionally. The butt is genetic, the nose is....well, part genetics, part deviated septum, part I-hit-my-nose-when-I-was-three-and -apparently-it-never-forgave-me. I wish I could do something about both, but the butt has a mind of it's own, and I'm afriad of plastic surgery, so here we are.

[carolyn]

I got the honker during pregnancy too. What's up with that? Life makes a joke of us women sometimes.

[Kristin]

Au contraire, mon frere. J. Lo had MAJOR pregnancy nose weight gain.

And she looks (almost) normal now. Swear to god.

[Jamie E]

would it help for you to know that my ass is double wide during pregnancy, but still wide(and SQUARE) after? God I need to lose weight after this one man.

[mothergoosemouse]

LMFAO - around here, we refer to them as BSN = Baby Sniffing Nostrils

[Heather]

Hmmm. My ass and nose are both big even when I'm not pregnant...which I'm not anymore.

[Amanda]

I thought the proportions of my head looked positively equine during pregnancy. I echo the sentiment that everything (most things) go back down to size.

[adil]

OMG, LOL! I thought the preggo-nose phenomenon was a black thing. I had no idea white/asian chicks got it too!!! Don't worry, it'll shrink back after you deliver, I promise.

[Victoria Mason]

Ugh. I had that with T.D.- everyone told me my cute button nose still existed but I held up photos and knew it wasn't so. It came back though. Don't worry.

How do things smell in china?

[MrsWaltz]

Sorry to hear about your nose. But if you save just one person from that 3rd nose-enlarging pregnancy, isn't that worth it...? Really, this post came just in time. I've been kicking around the idea of another baby but now that I know what could happen, I think we'll stick with the two goats we have...

[lindsay]

Hey funny lady! I just found your site from a fellow blogger and it could not have come at a better time. My once cute button nose (along with the rest of me that has frankly not been 'cute' since 2003) is enlarged and freaking me out. This is pregnancy number one and each day is a new, er, experience? Thank you for your candor. It is so very appreciated.

[Renee]

I thought I was imagining things when my nose got bigger during my pregnancy! My husband, who was practically afraid to say ANYTHING to me during those hormonal months, kept saying my nose was fine - it was the same size it always was. But looking back at the pictures I looked like some well seasoned boxer or a bull flaring it's nostrils at the camera (although I did kinda feel that way towards anyone that insisted on taking my picture when I was as big as a house....)

So anyway, thanks for letting me know that I am not alone in the nose swelling department.

[Black Hockey Jesus]

My wife has a big nose. It is so awesome. Look. I'm relating to you.

[b]

My nose has always been rather ample. Pregnancy #4 is not helping. When my friends talk about getting their bodies reconstructed after they are finished having kids, all I can think about is getting a nose job. Saggy boobs be damned, give me a cute, straight nose!

[the dalai mama]

Yet another reason I should be happy I have had my children through adoption and not pregnancy.

I have to "thank" all of my pregnant friends and the bloggers read for making pregnancy sound absolutely terrible. I will know what to expect if I ever am lucky enough to get pregnant.

I am certain your nose will revert back to it's really cute size. Thank you for the laugh.

[TNG]

Dude.

At least your nose isn't shaped like a SHOE.

And I'm not even pregnant.

[Yvie]

I feel you.

When I was a kid, I was relentlessly teased because of my nose. They point at it and says it is big. I just retreat to my own "space" and sulk. When I got into College, that's the only time I got to appreciate it. I mean, thank goodness I have a nose and I love every bit of it. :)

Nose, small or big--they're all beautiful. :D