Blur.

With my daughter, time stood painstakingly still, the memories as freeze frames in my head. Stacks of pictures piled up on my computer, notes about her every word scribbled in a baby book, and moments that are only hers and mine shared together.

She is the one who made me a mother.

We spent long days and way too many nights staring at each other, fixated on each other's every move, expression, and emotion. I could point out every new freckle and every old bruise. And her looks spoke to me in complete sentences.

I could read her cries like a book. Not surprisingly, she could read mine.

With my second born, I lost track of his freckles long ago. There's no baby book to speak of, no special box piled high with birthday cards, and only a few pictures of him alone. 

Our moments alone together are spent before his bedtime, where I force myself to listen and focus. I try to stop and stare, to soak in his everything before it's lost in the shuffle of another being. It doesn't mean I love him any less, or that I don't know who he is - his sweet devious smile, bright rosy cheeks, and deeply loving soul.

Even though it's all he knows - everything shared, from the toys in the playroom to his mother's tired arms, there's still a part of me that wishes I had more to give. Just him. The boy. Our only son.

But unlike those long days alone with my daughter, my eyes are extra tired, my patience is stretched thin, and on some days, I just can't keep up.

And I can't help but feel he's owed a better lens.

Comments

[Mrs. Fussypants]

~nods head in agreement with Mom101~

ps- just had my 5th boy two weeks ago. they are a constant blur. a sweet, messy, happy, chaotic blur. ;)

[Shannon]

Beautiful post. Mine are 6 years apart, and you've just reminded me that I feel pretty good about the time I can devote to each separately. There are pros and cons to all situations and, of course, I sometimes wish I had them closer in age.

[Her Bad Mother]

I wish that I'd read this last week. Or maybe not - there were enough tears.

Still. I know. Iknowiknowiknow.

xo

[Jenni]

Aww..I know this feeling two well. My love is spilt 4 ways. It wasn't my first I got to spend my attention on, it was my second. My first baby (well the first I got to bring home) preferred grandma to me.

My second was the one I spent hours gazing at. He had me all to himself for 15 months. I held him. Sang to him. Read to him.

I often feel like it's not fair that I was able to give so much attention to him. I try to spend alone time with each but with four kids time is limited.

It takes a lot of planning and organization to do it. That may help you have time with little man one on one. You don't have to do anything extrodinary. Maybe just a trip to the park or a picnic with mom.

[gabriella biancofiore]

I can't help it; I cried a little reading this. Probably b/c I can relate so much. Having just had triplets a few months ago, I'm spread very, very thin. The babies don't know what they're missing, I guess, but I can't help but feel awful.

[mary]

I am just expecting my first, so I can't relate to the problem as a mom, but I am already fearing that I'll think the same - I believe to worry about that is normal and just a sign of being a good mom. What I CAN tell you, though: I am coming from a big family, I have 3 siblings (and around 45 cousins..:) I am the second born, and the third kid was born only one year after me, while the last one was kinda not planned and is 7 yrs. younger. so, yes, I never got a baby book. alone time w/my mom. Noone taught me to swim, f.ex. BUT I got so many things my brothers are lacking: Since I am not the oldest, I am SO much more independent and - like sb said before - good at finding my own way. Since I always took care of the little ones, I am very attentive to other's needs. Plus, I am very "adaptable", not afraid of new situations, etc, all things that my siblings are lacking. OF course I, on the other hand, kinda lack some sort of healty selfishness and think the world wouldn't work w/o me, but what I wanted to say is: Speaking as a second child of a big family, there are so many advantages that build your personality in a positive way about exactly NOT always getting your parents' attention, too. So, don't worry:)
mary

[Leigh]

Love this blog. We have much in common. I was a military spouse (pilot's wife) for 17 years. Did at least 10 PCS moves. Lost track. Have three kids - big now. (Had one in Mississippi.) Been divorced. Remarried. Have been transitioning into a career as a writer. And I just started an uncensorsed, love-my-kids-but- motherhood-is-tough too blog, called Mother's Only Half A Word. Hope you'll check it out. I'll be reading you. Cheers.

[the mama bird diaries]

Yup. Feel exactly the same.

[sassy]

The first one is always the special one! as the kids keep coming , the pictures get fewer and fewer and the scrap book is lessor than the one before,.
Thus I belive because we are so tired!!.lol
but it natural!

[melissa]

You put my fears about having a second baby into words. I think I will have an only child forever because I am too afraid I am not good enough for two.

It sounds like you have the strength and the self awareness for three.

[Mom101]

Maybe you need to turn a better lens on yourself. Something tells me he's growing up just fine.

[Roxie]

I know how you feel. Sometimes when i see a mom of one pushing her only child in a stroller I feel a longing for that. I love both of my children dearly, but miss that one on one, center of the universe feeling you have with just one. You can never have your first again. It's hard to explain.

[Mothering Two]

OH MAMA, You just wrote about my current feelings with both of my children... ages 3 and 1. So much energy goes into raising these little people. I'm so amazed that we do it so well! Your kids are so lucky, just like mine. ;)

[Formerly Fun]

I have a 7 month old, a four year old and a seven year old and I never feel like individually they get enough time. This is especially true with my 4year old daughter, who, wedged in the middle, gets the least of me right now. My 7 year old son needs homework help, my infant's needs are constant and my 4yr old gets a "go keep your sister occupied" or "go play with your brother" way too often. But my husband always reminds me that while she doesn't have the most of our attention, she does have the most of her siblings. My son sees her as his minion to lord over which she and he both love and the baby thinks she is the funniest person ever. Growing up, my mom worked a lot and I certainly missed out on some of the things my friends with stay at home moms had, but I gained other things. You do the best you can knowing you are giving them a mixed bag.

[Lotta]

I certainly understand what your feeling. But keep in mind boys are a blur no matter what. And you'll end up having a different special-alone time with him when your daughter is in school. Provided you don't home school. God don't homeschool!

[Occidental Girl]

Ohhh, man! I know what you mean. Don't let the guilt overwhelm, but I do get it. A little to well.

[Redneck Mommy]

Stopping by to catch up.

Wee! Another girl! So thrilled for you. While still coveting all your babies. Wanna pop one out for me? Heh.

Kidding. Unless of course you want to then I am totally serious.

Enjoy them while you can. It really is all a blur.

[Brynn]

I can relate to this post. Infact I was just feeling guilty today about the sharing, and not having enough time with my second child!
Glad i'm not the only one. This post was great!

[Going Crunchy]

Relate, relate, relate. Mine are only 15 months apart and it was HARD there for a while. The moments pass by too quickly for both, but I always feel like neither gets enough individual time. When we have moments together alone it is very special.

[Sara]

I know I haven't commented for a long time, but I've still been loyally lurking ;). I love this post for the same reason I love reading your blog every day-how real and honest you are, expressed so very well in writing.

This post just resonated so much. I wish I didn't feel so guilty about how different it is for my son than it was for my daughter...and then when I focus on him, which can sometimes be much easier than with his sister, I feel guilty for not paying more attention to her. And, of course, there is my guilt when I pay attention to neither for moments of sanity and my own brain (and read blogs, of course!)

[Christina]

I have this feeling all the time. I keep wondering what experiences I'm "shorting" Mira on. But she's a happy kid, and never knew differently, so I hope she won't mind that her baby book is mostly empty. At least I have my blog to chronicle some of her life.

[Jessica]

I feel like this all to often. I felt like I was cheating my first son out of me but that feeling is NOTHING compared to what I'm feeling for my second son who is about to be pushed to the side. I spend as much one on one time with him as I can but it is nothing compared to what I spent with my first.

[Sara]

Kristin,
Like you, I am expecting my third right now (in about 6 weeks). My two sons are three (almost 4) and 2. When my first born took an interest in eggs, I taught him how to crack an egg, stir it up, make a pancake. I let him dribble a few through his little fingers, taste their egginess. I taught him the word "viscosity." When my second born took an interest in eggs, I told him to shut the fridge or he would get a time out.
But my second son has an attribute that my first does not. He has overcome my lack with an intense curiosity that gets him into trouble and teaches him the world. No drawer goes unopened, no knob unturned, no switch unflipped. He does so much by himself that his brother still asks me to do for him. His tenacity and curiosity will serve him his whole life long.
Each child receives different gifts from not only God/Nature/Genes/Infinity, but also different gifts from his parents. Leaving our kids alone can be way harder than teaching them stuff. Our first borns will resent our intrusiveness much more than our later kids will, even though we torment ourselves with guilt now.
You are a great mom.

[Stacey]

I worried about that too when my second was born. Then when he was 6 weeks old I began 8 months of chronic bronchitis, often just too miserable to pay much attention to either child. My memories of his first year a vague at best and my focused time alone with him was practically non-existent.
But a series of unfortunate events is about to balance that. He didn't get into a preschool we could still afford in the fall. His brother will be in kindergarten. He and I will get to spend all day, 5 days a week alone in one another's company

[Fairly Odd Mother]

Yup, been there---especially when I notice that #3 has been quietly playing with his cars for---how long has it been? Or, when #2 says something and I look at her like, "who is this child before me; isn't she still a toddler?"

They do thrive in spite of us though.

[Grandmere]

I think every mom fees this way sometimes but kids survive and I feel very strongly that children deserve siblings. And I was told, several times as I expected my third, that the third one finds their own place in the family world and in your heart. And it is true. And hen your son becomes the middle, he will find his place too....and he will fit andadjust and the worldwill be good.

And siblings, I envy the friendship my husband and sister in law have. Since my parents are gone, I don't have anyone who "knew me when"...he does and it is a good thing.

[Vicky]

All I can say is I totally relate.

[Heidi]

I'm having a rough day today with my two little people and this post made me cry. In some ways, my 2nd is getting the better deal because I'm so much calmer than I was the first time around (except when the first one makes me insane... like today). I feel like my patience is stretched too thin and sometimes I don't know if I can stand to stay home with them anymore. (Sorry to be Debbie Downer, I hope there's someone out there who can relate.)

[Janine at christianparenting.today.com]

I like the spending time alone idea. It may be easier when they're older but my old pastor used to have a date night with each of kids (he has 4) where it was just them and dad. We haven't done so ourselves yet and I feel the same regret but am also overjoyed when I see the relationship growing between my children as they grow. It's good to see them be each others friends, even when that includes some spats.

[FishyGirl]

We make a concerted effort to spend a bit of alone time with each of kids, if not every day, then definitely every week, even going so far as to pay a sitter for part of it. It's a lot easier now that the bigs are in school, and they all do some sort of class that helps. Still, there are times that I'm somewhat grateful that Nemo still gets up in the middle of the night to nurse.

[mothergoosemouse]

The greatest part of sending Tacy to visit my parents was the opportunity to spend time with CJ, all on her own.

[Rachel]

I am so grateful for the age difference between my kids. My 4 year old does so much independent play that I get lots of baby time... although I am so mesmerized by the baby that sometimes its hard to pull myself away from her to meet his needs. Of course, when his need is for me to put Algeria in the Africa puzzle for the 18 millionth time, its not just the baby that makes me drag....

[canape]

And that is why some days I think I only want one.

[Undomestic Diva]

It all washes when your oldest gets older and is off to school - then you have more time with your 2nd... etc.

And like you said, you love him just as much, just using a different method.

[Miguelina]

I'm going through the same thing with my sweet second baby. But I try to remind myself that he has the advantage of having experienced parents and a big brother - something the first will never have.

:)

[Jill in Atlanta]

I tried really hard with number two. I got doubles of all the photos so he could have one album with just him, I try to write down his words (with a date- since they aren't in a baby book yet, but may get put in one before he leaves for college!) and I try to give him 10 uninterrupted minutes before his nap. I try. But he has something his older brother didn't have- a big brother to look up to and copy and play with. He won't be lacking.

[Jamie]

When my son was born (2nd kid, 1st boy) I read some distressing data about birth order: more 1st borns become President, while more 2nd borns become P.E. teachers (I'm paraphrasing).

Don't sweat the parenting parity. When your daughter starts preschool, your son will get a mommy monopoly. Unless you get knocked up again...

[All Adither]

The second child gets something the first doesn't though. And I think that's called adaptability.

[the Farmer's Wife]

That's the way it is. And guess what? In the scheme of things it doesn't matter. Although there is sometimes a bit of the old "mom loved you best". But mostly it's in jest. All the real drama happens in a mother's head. But if you allow yourself to stay in regret and guilt you'll miss even more. The second child will be just fine. In fact my second child is more dynamic, the go-getter and the one that flies through life without a net.

- Suzanne, the Farmer's Wife

[NeeMom]

I know EXACTLY what you're saying, and can totally relate. There were so many baby pics taken of my daughter (who's 10), and virtually none of my son (who's 8). Now that we just had number three, I look back and wonder what happened...I dunno.

But I can look at him and honestly say he's the one who has kept me out of the nuthouse...lol.

Annie =)

[Asianmommy]

It's true that my younger one gets less of my overall time, but what she gains is a big sister who she adores and gets to spend all of her time with. Watching them together is amazing (until they start fighting again!).

[b]

I learned pretty quickly that motherhood is fraught with moments for self-forgiveness. Most of us raise more than one, but still remain stuck in one body ourselves.

As the youngest of 8, what my mother and father didn't do does not negate what they did. Sure, I got lost in the shuffle, but there was always SOMEONE to talk to, hang out with or even just fight with. The balance is struck with family. Mom and Dad can't always be there, but someone will.

[mama, please]

I had number 1 and 2 at the same time. Yes, twins. The feeling you describe so well about your son is my whole understanding of motherhood.

When they were small, my heart would break when I had to tend to one at a time and hear their infant cries.

But they have never known anything else, just like your son. What they have gained from having each will last a lifetime and is far more important than individual albums.

[SciFi Dad]

And you have just put into words my biggest fear with our upcoming second.

I know my younger sister is bitter about these sorts of things (no "just her" baby album, stuff like that) and so I'm trying to make plans to ensure that my son doesn't feel the same way.

I think, just like everyone tells you make a bigger deal of the older one so they don't feel left out, you have to make a point to capture moments for the second, even if it's awkward or potentially "ruins" the moment.

But then again, I only have one right now. Who knows what life with two will be like?