Peas & Carrots.

On most of my brief visits home, I don't get to see my mother much. She only lives an hour from my in-laws on the Jersey side of the city, but it's a long hour, made more tenuous on her arrival when she has to visit with my in-laws around.

I've spent the last few years pushing the grandchildren on her. Granted, it was never an issue for my mom. She's a baby whisperer and consummate grandmother -- the one who will give long baths chock full of crazy kitchen utensils that always make the best bath toys, read stories for hours and hours, and hold them in her arms all night if that what it takes to get them to sleep.

She's mentioned, in passing, when we've had our tiffs about her making an effort to see the grandchildren, that she actually would like to see me. Alone. Without the kids.

I've shrugged it off, offering her precious time with the ones that are far cuter than my old tired mug. 

But as my own daughter gets older, I realize how much I'll miss our time together. Her independence is both refreshing and sobering. And these days, I find myself admiring her from afar.

While I'm sure I'll love the moments I'll have with her children, I know there's no doubt I'll want to hold her tight in my arms, snuggle up close, and whisper "you know you're my best girl, right" softly in her ear.

Even when she's my age.

I know full well that things will change. Maybe things won't be how they are now. My own mother and I were never close. But I bet there were days when we were just like peas and carrots. Where she sat and read me long bedtime stories and stroked my hair until I fell asleep. 

And so, on those possibly infrequent visits where I'll spoil my grandchildren like any grandmother would, I know I'll still long to hold my own sweet daughter close and tell her I love her more than life itself.

I can only hope that she, unlike me, will oblige her dear old mom's request.

--

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Comments

[claudia]

MU, i'm in italy and read you every day. I lost my mum 2 weeks after my own baby girl was born, now I'm ill myself...life sucks,but our children, and relationships, are all we've got. Thanks for writing the way you do

[jnet]

old post. new comment. love your writing. this one struck a chord. im in my mid 20s and i struggle with the age-old mom/daughter issue everyday. i live in LA and my parents live in SF. i hear weekly about how i live SO FAR away (uh, not really) and how i dont care enough to be around my parents on a daily basis. im not there to "take care of them" etc etc etc. and recently as my mom's friends are becoming grandmothers, she's asked how i think it's going to work with me far away, and her not being able to have as active a role in my children's lives (in the hopefully-not-near future). anyways im rambling. just wanted to thank you for sharing your talent, experiences, thoughts, with the world. words, and the people behind them, really are so powerful.

[Csara]

That was awesome! I see my parents almost every day, but now that I'm a mother, I do often forget that I'm also a daughter. My mom actually said to me today as we were leaving her house that she wishes she could just spend time with me alone. Your insight made me realize that I do need to make a point to do that. I know she loves her grandchild more than anything, but I am her child and I can just imagine how much she misses ME being the little one she used to take care of.

[Jae]

This is a very moving and thoughtful post. I am not close to my mother anymore, but was as a kid. She's told me the same thing now - she'd like to see me alone. And I just don't really want to hang out with her alone. Too much water under the bridge, unfortunately. But, with that said, what you wrote drove home a point. Someday I may be her - in the same situation with my daughter. And that makes me so very sad.

[gretta]

Spend time with your mom alone. People's relationships are always changing. You may be pleasantly suprised. Or not. :) I discovered that it was me who needed to be patient and understanding.

[Zellmer]

This was so sweet. I also teared up, and will be sending the link to my Mom right away.

[Kara]

Thanks for sharing that post. It brought tears to my eyes.
Those thoughts would creep into my mind every now and again. Now, as my daughter approaches kindergarten, I, too, marvel at her independence and wonder what our relationship will be like. I treasure my moments with "my best girl" too.

[Karly]

My mom and I are very close, but I still wonder how she survives without having me in her home everyday, talking to me all the time, touching me when she wants to, looking at me when she wants to. I know that sounds dumb, but I can't imagine life without my kids RIGHT HERE all the time. Growing up sucks.

[ImpostorMom]

Now that I'm a mother I find myself forgetting that I am also a daughter too so I get what you're saying about that time with your mom.

[Suebob]

I feel like my greatest blessing is that I get to see my folks every day. They are 83 and 89, so I know it won't last forever.

[carolyn]

My baby girl is now 15, hormonal and taller than I am. I am amazed by who she is becoming but at the same time, I miss that sweet little baby she used to be. It's one of the toughest parts of motherhood.

[the new girl]

This here?>> "Her independence is both refreshing and sobering. And these days, I find myself admiring her from afar."

Amazing. Touching, sad(ish) and lovely.

[Heather]

I think our babies will always be our babies, you're so right.

[Jenni]

crying my pregnant eyes out, thanks.

[dadshouse]

It's funny - I'm a single dad who is deeply involved with my kids, so I totally get the parent/child relationship from the parent's point of view. Yet, I'm like you, I always bring the kids along to visit my mom and dad. I want them all to enjoy grandparent/grandchild time. Your post makes me wonder if some parent/child time between me and my folks would be good.

[K]

Yep, crying a bit here too. And trying to figure out where my cellphone is so I can call and say hi to my mom.

[midlife mommy]

You've probably hit the nail on the head in understanding how your mom probably feels. You know, before my mom died, people used to tell me to do certain things, or not do certain things, because I would miss her when she's gone. Unfortunately, you don't know what the missing is like until you actually have to do it. But, I can honestly say that I am so happy that we cobbled out a relationship in the last eight years of her life, one that I can be proud of. I made an effort to call her every day during the week on the drive home (which is a long drive, BTW). We did argue, and I got to confront her about things that bothered me growing up, and vice-versa. We didn't always agree, but at least we talked.

I got to know her very well, and I counted her as a friend (which frankly amazed my friends, who knew what our relationship used to be like). Now, I don't have any regrets, though losing her probably hurts a lot more than it would have if we hadn't gotten so close.

All I can say is this -- whatever you decide, whatever is best for you, try to not have regrets. We tend to stack up so many as life goes on.

[SherE1]

Oh man... (*trying not to cry at work*) That was lovely.

[mrs. chicken]

Thanks for making this pregnant lady cry when she is missing her mom, you jerk.

Do I have time to write something for tomorrow? My mom is on my mind today ...

[amanda]

tears for me too :)

i am a rotten daughter and i know that more than ever now that i have my daughter.

i want to be better, i really do.

[Melissa P.]

I have had an amazing mother my whole life. She helped me with my two sons and took great care of them while I worked.
But, last year my mom went into the hospital for 3 ms., almost died, but came home. But, she will never be the same again.
I miss my mom. Really miss my mom.
She has turned into this real old woman now who only complains and hurts and only cares about her dinner. I so miss my mom.I want my old mom back.
Spend some time with your mom, it can change with a blink of the eye and there is no going back.

[H.E. Eigler]

You got tears from me too. It isn't until we have our own babies that we realize the feelings our parents have for us. It's allowed me to view my mother in a new light and I know now that her behaviors during my childhood all came from love. Great post.

http://maternalspark.blogspot.com

[ellen]

What a great post. I am really close to my mom, but I have also spent the last couple years where "spending time" means hanging out for a few minutes while I drop off my daughter and soon to be #2. This makes me want to schedule some mom time and cuddle my girl....

[Valeta]

I am literally crying. That is so sweet!

[Scout's Honor]

ohhh. Tears.

I have long lamented that I don't have the relationship with my mother you see on Hallmark adds. We have nothing in common--religion, philosophies on life, child-rearing, education--but I now have perspective that she did her best. I can barely handle my three and she had six kids (five girls), foster kids, and a domineering, emotional husband.

That said, you bet I'm working a close relationship with my daughter. She's my only daughter and damn it, we will be close like peas and carrots. She has no choice! Hehehe.

I hope I can do the same with my two boys' future wives. You can betch your last latte I will learn from the mistakes of my Mother in Law.

[LiteralDan]

It's sad when people grow apart-- let's hope you two grow closer together. This sounds like a good first step!

[b]

I've started my own blog about my 4th pregnancy. Being pregnant really makes me reflect.