Motherhood Uncensored

Peas & Carrots.

On most of my brief visits home, I don't get to see my mother much. She only lives an hour from my in-laws on the Jersey side of the city, but it's a long hour, made more tenuous on her arrival when she has to visit with my in-laws around.

I've spent the last few years pushing the grandchildren on her. Granted, it was never an issue for my mom. She's a baby whisperer and consummate grandmother -- the one who will give long baths chock full of crazy kitchen utensils that always make the best bath toys, read stories for hours and hours, and hold them in her arms all night if that what it takes to get them to sleep.

She's mentioned, in passing, when we've had our tiffs about her making an effort to see the grandchildren, that she actually would like to see me. Alone. Without the kids.

I've shrugged it off, offering her precious time with the ones that are far cuter than my old tired mug. 

But as my own daughter gets older, I realize how much I'll miss our time together. Her independence is both refreshing and sobering. And these days, I find myself admiring her from afar.

While I'm sure I'll love the moments I'll have with her children, I know there's no doubt I'll want to hold her tight in my arms, snuggle up close, and whisper "you know you're my best girl, right" softly in her ear.

Even when she's my age.

I know full well that things will change. Maybe things won't be how they are now. My own mother and I were never close. But I bet there were days when we were just like peas and carrots. Where she sat and read me long bedtime stories and stroked my hair until I fell asleep. 

And so, on those possibly infrequent visits where I'll spoil my grandchildren like any grandmother would, I know I'll still long to hold my own sweet daughter close and tell her I love her more than life itself.

I can only hope that she, unlike me, will oblige her dear old mom's request.

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Okay. So Maybe I'm Not As Grown Up As I Thought.

It's only fair that after I write a mature and all-growed-up post about understanding my truly good fortune in this extremely difficult world we live in my husband received word that he must indeed do 45 days with the Guard unit in Delaware.

Yes. I know it's not 90 days. And I know it's not a year deployment.

But it still sucks.

To be clear, I'm not moving up there. I ordered moving announcements for God sakes. I'M NOT MOVING.

After a few days of going it on my own again, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. The weather has been gorgeous so we've been able to enjoy our deck and our yard and the most genius invention ever made for two children under 3: THE WATER AND SAND TABLE.

And I'm actually getting things done -- scheduling midwife and pediatrician appointments, interviewing doulas, getting preschool applications in, drilling and screwing in a freaking lion proof baby gate. Now I'm most certainly not scrubbing baseboards and my hands have yet to touch the vacuum, but the house is picked up at night. The kids aren't reciting Shakespeare yet, but Drew is waving "hi" and "bye" to all passers by, including stray dogs and the UPS man.

And I'm only staying up to midnight so I can do that thing called "work." Technically, if I can keep my brain in Central Time Zone, that's only 11pm! Not bad at all.

Thankfully, the Messiah has returned -- at least to my home in the form of a lovely older Brazilian woman who is dying to babysit. Alternating visits from Michael Vartan and Aidan Shaw (Sex and the City), in the form of a large pink vibrating cone, are set to begin early next week. And hello, Grey's Anatomy!

Truth be told, it will be nice to have an extra excuse to visit my friends and my mom. And if I'm desperate for blog fodder and need a good reality check, the in-laws. And being pregnant in Philly, ala water ice, cheese steaks, and pizza, isn't so bad.

But I do wish we could all be together again. That he could be with me at the ultrasound when we find out who has been craving salads and fruit. And go shopping for furniture. And choose paint. And pick out porch chairs.

We've got a lot of shit to settle. Not just with this house, but with our relationship. Admittedly, the 15-minute a night phone conversations don't hurt what has been a rocky four months. But every time I see him, it's like we're starting over. We're treading water.

We're not getting anywhere.

But it is what it is. Now off to gaze into the night sky at the beautiful bright stars.

Silver Lining

All good things seem to come with a "but" for me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm always seeing things as they should be or how I want them to be, and not how they actually are.

It's a momentary high followed by a sometimes harsh reality, like a beautiful sunset that leads into the dark, bleak night.

My mother is coming down to Atlanta so I don't have to fly up to Philadelphia on Tuesday for my trip. But she's hassling me about what flight to take. And whether she can leave the night I get back or if not then, at the butt crack of dawn the next morning. And she hopes nothing will happen to the kids and if it does she doesn't want me to get mad or blame her like I did when she let my dogs out on the coldest day of the Philadelphia winter without leashes and *surprise* they ran away.

"Just keep your eye on them. And don't let them off their leashes" I joked. Maybe the in-laws would be easier.

I've been feeling pretty great with this pregnancy going into my 16th week and I'm way off track for another 70lb weight gain. But I haven't really felt the baby move and maybe because I'm not craving sweets that means there's something wrong with the baby and I won't be able to find out because I don't have a babysitter to watch my kids so I can go to the midwife which I don't yet have anyway.

"I'm feeling great. You can't beat a pregnancy where you're craving salad and fruit." It's because I'm carrying a rabbit.

And I'm back in my house, my gorgeous beautiful, amazing house. But my husband is gone all week and I don't have a babysitter yet and I spent three hours putting up a baby gate last night that involved using a drill (eek) and I haven't found a midwife or a doula or a preschool for Quinlan.

"I'm so glad to be home," I tell people. Perhaps the tiny house in Little Rock wasn't so bad after all.

If I didn't know any better, this would just be how things were. But for some reason, I can't keep staring at the green grass on the other side. And as I think about the many many many challenges I've faced even just over the last few years, I wonder if it's just time for me voice my discontent, acknowledge the suckitude, and then cleanse myself acceptance.

Acceptance that my mom is my mom. And she probably won't be changing anytime soon. Acceptance that I will be spending many nights alone in this house. And that probably won't be changing anytime soon.

The truth is I'm lucky to have a mom that is alive and with me. Many would wish to be so fortunate. I'm lucky to have my health. Many have been fighting hard (and winning) for their own.

And I'm lucky to have all my beautiful children, sleeping peacefully within an arm's reach. Many have beautiful children "sleeping" way beyond their grasp.

These amazing women challenge me to search a little harder for the silver lining. They bravely stare into the dark sky and notice the gorgeous stars.

Maybe it's time I started looking a little harder.

What blogs challenge you to see the silver lining?

Hey! I'm Here! In Atlanta! For Good! I Think!

As I drove through however many straight hours of pouring down rain, with one brief stopover at my favorite mall in Tupelo, Mississippi (birthplace of Elvis, in case you're wondering), I had several realizations:

1) Trying to pull out white hairs from the crown of your head while driving is never really a great idea. Especially in the dark.

2) My son was not created for long car rides, although driving until 3am was actually a smart move on our part.

3) It was not a smart move, however, for my bowels, or the bags under my eyes. 

4) I wish had a DVD player. And an iPhone. And a driver. 

Upon arriving home, I then realized the following:

1) Apparently I made it onto some crazed PR person's list because waiting for me were total of 24 dvds while I was gone, half of which are Barney.

2) I think I have dandruff, which isn't so bad except when you notice it at 3am after driving in the car in the pouring rain for 10 hours.

3) I really really really really really missed my house.

Edited to add: AND BRAVO! YAY TOP CHEF OH HOW I'VE MISSED YOU!
It's good to be home.

The Lord Be With You, Little Rock

I'll save you my gruesome yet very poetic ode to of the month long bout with stomach flu and the cold from hell. Or my grab-you-in-the-gut tear jerker about how I'll always remember Little Rock as the place where my 3rd born was conceived. Or the post about how I'm still a little traumatized about the three men "hanging" from the cross on the side of the road.

Rather, I'll just tell you that Little Rock rocks. And so do the bloggers that hold down the fort. Or the rock. Or whatever it is here that you need to hold down.

But I'm ready to get back to my totally unfurnished house with lots of steps for my son to fall down and lots of carpet for me to vacuum, and lots of toilets for me to scrub.

Or the person that I plan on paying to scrub them. (heh)

Click on my ads. It helps to have my toilets cleaned. (Okay not really, but that sounded kind of funny when I said it out loud).

I'm looking forward to decorating and furnishing and running my ass off after those kids all by myself since my husband will be in Little Rock until the end of May. Okay, maybe not that part, but I am hoping this is it. However, a little bird with a cute ass tried to tell me that we might be living in Philly all summer courtesy of our fine US Military.

HA. HAHAHA. HA. *barf*

So, let's all pretend we didn't hear that and move along to what IS important.

Pick of the Week: Another doozy from our Mother's Day Guide. I just think these are super cool.

Podcast: Tracey Clark and Kate Inglis from Shutter Sisters!

Blog Blast: Oh this is a good one. Gifts Gone Right, Gifts Gone Wrong. C'mon and pull out those nasty old things your husband tried to pass off as a gift. Or better, what your mother-in-law gave you. We want pics, stories -- good or bad. Here's mine.

And you can win a $250 gc to the spa of your choice courtesy of GetInHerHead.com (we're actually writing them up at Cool Mom Picks -- smart site started by two parents!)

Giveaway: $50 Gift Card to Itty Bitty Lady Bug -- just click here and follow the directions. And also, the lovely Dr. Ann Dunnewold is giving away three copies of her book. Just leave me a comment, any comment (preferably a funny one that is flattering). I'll pick three winners at random on April 30.

We're driving all day. Think of me. And be glad you are not in the car. Of course, it's raining cats and dogs right now. Not sure how far we're going to get...