There'll Be Days Like This My Mama Never Said

My son poops a lot. This is not exactly a new revelation since he is, in fact, a toddler. And what goes in for most of the day, must indeed come out.

It's not so much the stinky poop stuck to his little white ass like one of those deranged stickers that won't come off. I mean, I survive my own pregnancy induced (I swear) stink bombs on a daily basis. A little bit of poop doesn't scare this pooperologist.

I do indeed know who #2 works for. And it most certainly is not me.

But the knock-down-drag-'em-screaming changing that ensues once I actually get his diaper off leaves me ragged. Do it four to five times a day and I'm ready to run screaming for the hills or at least a place where there are no wiggling, screeching, diaper hating babies to torment me. 

When I attempt to break up the lengthy diaper changing gauntlet, say by playing the "I'm letting his butt air out" card, he shits on the floor. And the carpet. In the exact spot that I decide to step in. With my bare foot.

So, when the babysitter came to relieve me of my motherly duties for a beautiful two hours, I wasn't necessarily looking forward to wandering around Kohls trying to figure out how the hell Daisy Fuentes has a jewelry line or how Vera Wang's spring line looks scarily like a set of my grandmother's curtains looking particularly spiffy in my inside-out shirt (nice touch, eh?).

I was looking forward to getting out of at least one mid-day poop changes.

I know that sounds ridiculously desperate, considering my husband does his fair share of pooper changes (not without a little bit of complaining and a lot of begging for help). But it sure is nice to "de-mommy" for a few hours.

However, as luck would have it, I returned home only mildly de-mommied with an empty Taco Bell bag, two almost identical shades of lipstick (why, I do not know), and a large bag of butt wipes to a not-so-napped son who had not-so-pooped.

Nada. None. Nothing.

That was until the babysitter had just pulled out of our driveway. And then the gates of poopy hell burst wide open, sort of like a welcome home gift, you know, just in case I forgot who I was for those brief moments away from home.

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There are some things a girlfriend will only tell you about having kids, like "kids poop a lot and it kind of sucks" or "make sure you check to see that your shirt is on the right way before you leave the house" Check out our blog blast in conjunction with Discovery Channel's sweet new show "Deliver Me," write your own post about what you wish your girlfriends had told you about having babies (or what they did that saved your ass), and win some prizes!

Comments

[Lynda]

I have a pooper story. Once I went to get my hair done- left son 2yrs with dh- I came back all was silent- you know that's a bad son. I asked dh where ds was- in the bathroom waiting on you. Jeeper, doesn't he know you don't leave two yr old in there alone. I walk in ds has his head on toliet-lid down thank-goodness - sleeping! He'd had dirty poopy dh didn't want to change it-- to top it off- it fallen out in the hallway. I was so mad!!!!!!

[Courtney]

Too funny about the inside out shirt! Whenever I'm in public and dressed less than fantastically (read: in my pj pants and t-shirt) I always think, "This would totally be on my What Not To Wear secret footage."

I've found the trick for poopy diapers is to time it so that my Mom or Grandma gets stuck with them. I always hope DD has to go when Mom's babysitting. Last week I went in to get DD up from a nap...DH and I were getting ready to leave and Mom was there to babysit. I went in her room, smelled the poop, gave her a kiss on the forehead, and came back out in the living room and said, "Mom, Nora's up but I can't get her because I have to get my shoes on or we'll be late." As DH and I were walking out the door I heard, "Awww...you're poopy...I bet Mommy totally knew that!" I laughed all the way to the car!

[Sarah]

When my first was still in diapers I told my Mom that I was going to put some sort of restraints on the changing table to keep him there (she didn't approve)! Now...many years later, he's 6 and I still have to wipe his butt! He's been potty trained for 3 years but I still have to hear "Mama, would you please wipe my butt!!!" screamed through my house every afternoon.

[melissa warren]

I swore my kid would not watch TV. However, during his daily shit storm he watches a video while I change him. I have a DVD of 2-3 minute music videos that he loves. I am so sorry yours goes so much. My kid shits on things too. Yuck.

[Lucky]

This is why you designate a concrete room with a drain in it for the child. Hose it off every couple of hours, and you're set.

That or just rub the kid's nose in it when he does it on the carpet. Hey it works for dogs, and they're dumber than kids.

[Lisa]

Too funny. Reminds me of myself waving my arms around telling the pediatrician about how my 4 year old wont stop pooping in his pants. I took same son to the bathroom and noticed in the mirror that my shirt was on backwards. Fun times.

[Traceytreasure]

Oh Dear! I consider myself Queen Ass Wipe around here. I had 4, you know? I couldn't use wipes because they'd give my kids' butts a rash. I only used toilet paper (in a sz 8 tupperware container) and soaked it with baby oil. It Removed almost anything and you can flush it! I'm glad you got to get out! I saw a woman older than me in the health food store last week and her sweatshirt was inside out! I was too embarrassed to tell her. Don't feel bad! I don't think she had little kids! As for lipstick- We can never have too many! When you're my age instead of cleaning diapers, you'll just answer questions. I had to answer 7 questions while I was typing this! Have a great weekend!

[Awesome Mom]

Amen to that!! I actually like it when my kids are a bit stopped up and there are fewer poopy diapers to change. I am hoping that we can potty train soon.

[House frau]

Isn't motherhood glamorous? People don't tell you how you will be peed on, pooped on and handed boogers so you will actually reproduce.

[House frau]

You wonder how Daisy designs accessories? I wonder how the hell Cindy Crawford designs furniture, like looking hot in a bikini makes you a furniture designer??

http://www.raymourflanigan.com/promotions/cindy_crawford.asp?promo=Home:Cindy

[tori]

We used to joke that my husband had the kids trained to poop when he was not home. Without fail they always pooped the second he left the house, and almost never pooped while he was home.

[Jo]

Yeah, I started to partially "EC" with my daughter around 8 months, and about 99% of poo makes it into the toilet. (She is now 13 months) Since we cloth diaper, it's a HUGE HUGE bonus. In fact, when I can't catch the poo, maybe once a month, I complain long and loud. I can handle pee. Poo, not so much.

[Liz]

My father is Hungarian. Hungarian men do not change diapers. I had an appointment with a marketing firm when #4 was a baby and asked my father if he could babysit. While at the meeting, yep...you guessed it, littlest one decided to dispatch a big one and there was no way out, this time. It stunk. So, my father asked #3 (he was almost 4 at the time) where mommy keeps the diapers. My son refused to show him. Because, it was "mommy's job" to change the baby's diaper. We still laugh at that one. My father, not so much ;o)

[Motherhood Uncensored]

I clearly did not have to fight with my daughter this much.

And I change so much poop that when I smell plain old baby wipes, they seriously smell like poop to me.

Sigh.

[the mama bird diaries]

Changing poopy diapers is the worst.

This is what I have never understood. No matter how much cleansing, washing and hand sanitizing I do - my hands STILL smell funky after a poop change.

But my daughter smells like a field of wild lavender. Why is that exactly?

[Jessica]

I don't remember having to struggle and chase my daughter to change her diaper. I don't know if it was that she didn't fight or she didn't poop so much. Now it is a full on war. He actually gets the full name, "Baby Bum BarBum, hold still" It doesn't help. I've come to hate changing his diaper. I don't know how many shit stains I have on my carpet and usually adorn one or two on my clothes. Your not alone.

[amanda]

I have finally pulled the pregnancy card, in this, my 37 month of pregnancy in four and a half years, claiming my sciatic nerve can't take the bending.

[jaelithe]

Oh, what true love your son has for you! He wouldn't allow any other woman to wipe his ass ;)

My son has struggled on and off with chronic constipation, which is its own house of horrors, but if there was any silver lining, it was that I didn't have to change as many blowouts back when he was still in diapers.

So glad you snagged a babysitter. And by the by I have noticed that I am also shopping-impaired when out without the kiddo. It's like I'm a zoo animal just released to the wild, befuddled by my sudden freedom.

[calbearmama]

I highly recommend trying EC with your next baby (see www.diaperfreebaby.com, www.tribalbaby.org, and Yahoo group "Elimination Communication" for starters). Some of the "late-starter" EC techniques might help with your current situation too (there's a Yahoo group called "IPT Late Starters" or something like that).

We started EC "late" (around 10 months) when I first heard about the idea, and by about 14 months, I'd say 90% of my son's poops were making it into the toilet. He was out of diapers completely around 18 months. If we're lucky enough to have another baby, I'm totally starting from birth.

[submommy]

It's like wrestling with an octopus, huh? R. won't stay laying down. I have to hog tie him to the changing table. I hand him a little toy - bah! thrown on the floor.

I get you. So completely. Like the time he had poo on his butt and rolled over and wiped his poopy butt on my white shirt. Yew.

[Heather]

Gah. I'm with you. My son poops a lot too. He's 3 1/2, still not potty trained and still pooping 3-4 times a day. Who knew people could go that much?

[Catherine]

I pray for the EXACT SAME THING. My husband is deployed, so I am lucky enough to change ALL the poopy diapers. He goes to daycare for an hour and a half 3-4 days a week, and I alwaysalwaysalways hope that he will poop there. Sometimes I get lucky, most often not. Sigh.