I've been holding my breath for the past 12 weeks. And it's not just because I'm trying to keep the puke down.
The anxiety associated with experienced miscarrying mother's first trimester tends to taint their entire pregnancy. This time around, the headaches and nausea have actually helped reassure my fears. And they've also helped me focus on the present, as opposed to the near future in which my children will out number me three to one (hoooollly shhhhheeeeeet).
Somehow the headaches just don't seem that bad.
But they haven't been "Oh these darn pregnancy migraines" and I haven't had "Damn that baby hormone induced nausea." And considering I've been jacked up on hormones for the last four years, the violent emotional outbursts are sadly almost common place.
As are the deep feelings of guilt and embarrassment for not being able to control them.
My "Who you calling pregnant, sucka?"attitude was surprisingly unshaken at the ultrasound visit. Even the cute arm and leg stumps, along with the clearly marked "FETUS" didn't phase me. There's always another milestone to get to -- 9 weeks isn't 12 weeks. 12 weeks isn't 17 weeks (when my friend miscarried). 17 weeks isn't 28 weeks when the baby could survive well outside my womb.
My ambivalence was then officially confirmed at my first midwife visit.
"So, when was your last period?"
"Um, late December, I think..."
"And what's your due date?"
"And you're taking pre-natal vitamins?"
"Does Extra Strength Tylenol have folic acid?"
And apparently the only weight I've gained is exactly the weight of the baby and a side of amniotic fluid and placenta. In fact, it was probably the weight of my pee and sneakers. And in some crazy fluke, I can actually still wear my own pants, which for me is a world record.
But then I heard the sound of the galloping horses, running strong and fast in the bottom of my belly. And for the first time in the last 12 weeks, I breathed a sigh of relief. I even hopped on the internet to grab some maternity essentials (since all mine are hold up in my closet in Atlanta).
And I'm proud to admit what is causing my headaches and nausea.
Trying to figure out what in God's name we will be naming this baby.
Totally unrelated: I need about five kickass (meaning tasty and easy) freezer meals. If you have a great one (or ones), PLEASE email them to me.