Ambivalence. How's That for a Baby Name?

I admit that for the last week or so I've been stuck in a place between desperation and a nervous breakdown. Combine that with wicked gas, spontaneous crying, two sick children, and the fear of a miscarriage, and it's like a weekend in Mississippi!

Okay. I'm kidding.

Sort of.

For the record, I am freaking the fuck out. You know, just in case you were wondering. The "freaking the fuck out" part has less to do with the idea of a cute little addition to our family, and more about my ability to handle three children (eek, can barely say that) in a way that doesn't make me want to shave my head and party late nights without my underpants.

I'm trying my darndest to live day by day, and not look ahead to October, where I see my poor unshowered stinky gigunda self trying to manage three kids and work, mostly alone, with no family within a 1500 mile radius.

And up goes the "freak" meter.

I admit that your comments, congratulations, and thoughtful emails did wonders. Your excitement will be my excitement. At some point soon, I hope. And apparently a positive pregnancy test is a good way to delurk people (so nice to meet you all, officially now).

Plus, there are babysitters, nannies, and booze to be had. And cool bloggy friends who I will force my baby upon. 

But today, I'm okay. Other than wanting to toss my cookies unless I'm actively shoving food into my gullet (which is now baby related -- I did actually have the stomach flu) and waiting desperately for my second set of HcG levels (4590 were the first set. Is that high? I'm still looking at ONE baby right? RIGHT?), I'm doing okay.

And right now. This instant. That's all that matters.

Comments

[mommy and me]

I'm a first time mom. And you know what, that is what I feel right now. I'm somewhat scared and happy. I don't know... I just thank everyone for cheering me up. =)

[Elizabeth]

Wait a second, WHAT?? I've had the strain-of-flu-that-wasn't-protected-by-the-flu-shot and have been sick for a week and a half. You're pregnant???!!! Congratulations!!!

[mod*mom]

congratulations lucky uncensored mama!

[isn't it pretty to think so]

Delurking to say how happy I am for you. Congratulations!!!

[Sandra]

Bad bad bad blog reader who totally knows you will rock this. And this third kid? So lucky to be rocking it with you. If I lived closer I'd be all over babysitting help ... I'm a bit of a baby whore with those days long behind me. So move to TO - we'll all help I am sure!

Congrats Kristen!!!!!!!

[motomama]

My twins turned 1 yesterday (valentines day) and last week I had a miscarrage...Not to be a downer, but I think its one in 4 that don't make it. I can sympathize about the freak out mixed with the fear of loosing it (I actually think the stomach flu contributed to it miscarrying). But while I was pregnant I remembered the crazy thing that hormones x 9 months does to you. It somehow changes your entire outlook a little each day until you are so in the moment that you couldn't imagine not being pregnant or not having this new person in your life. It will be a tough couple of years, and blur and many years from now you will look back and laugh and say..Wow, that was crazy but I did it! So, take a deep breath, eat a lot and have faith in yourself. And yup, you will have to ask for help.

[Her Bad Mother]

Dude. I've been swinging between ambivalence and joy for 6-plus months now. Is there such a thing as joyful ambivalence? That's where I'm at. I don't expect the ambivalence to dissipate until that little guy's in my arms and the reality of it all really lands. Then, I know, the joy will overwhelm me.

As it will you.

[Suburban Turmoil]

Oh, Kristen, WOW. Congratulations! And I know a little bit about how you must feel, since the thought of my birth control failing makes me break out in a cold sweat and contemplate either getting my tubes tied or never having sex again.

You'll get through it. Don't things work out best right now when you just take it one day at a time? Try to keep doing that. Good luck, girl. Sending positive thoughts your way.

[Jamie E]

I'm due August 27th btw!!

[JamieEEEEE]

Oh my!!! You are so blessed! Congrats all over the place. YOU are going to be fabulous!!!!!!!!!!!

[Must be Motherhood]

Yeah. Thought I lost the first commment. Retyped it.
Off to cower in dark corner of internet now.

[Must be Motherhood]

Holy Moley. With you AND Amalah now due in the fall, the entire blogosphere is OFFICIALLY pregnant. (I bashfully include myself here 'tho I am no celeb like you ladies ;P)

Congrats!

Deep Breaths. This first trimester crap is BALLS.

[Must be Motherhood]

Holy cow! With you AND Amalah due in the fall, entire interweb is officially pregnant. (I include myself, although I am not a star like you celebs. :P

Congrats. Deep breaths. The first trimester stuff is balls.

[VDog]

Congratulations!

I can't wait to see what a cutie this one will be!

[emma]

Okay, I just realized that you JUST found out your pregnant so being consoled that its not twins is probably not that consoling when its too early to tell. Sorry about that.

[emma]

I agree with many of your other commenters - its not as hard going from two to three. Your already deep in diapers and baby food and learning to share anyway. I think of it this way - you could be like me and have your "third" be twins! Now we have four!

[Jessica (aka Rose)]

My sister swears up and down that 1 to 2 was way harder than 2 to 3. You'll rock at this. And before you know it you'll have friends and a support network in your new home.
One day at a time, and you can totally be in denial right up until the moment they put that babe in your arms. Worked for me!

[Janell]

Here comes another personal story from just another delurker:

We have a 4 year old, a 2.5 year old and an eight month old. When our baby was 2 months old we moved from Australia to Mulletville, USA, where we knew nobody. And it has been just fine. I never freaked out about being prego until the third - and the anxiety and stress over imagining what having three was going to be like was way worse than actually handling three children.

Our baby is my saving grace in a world of chaos and insanity. Congratulations!!!

BTW - love, love, love your blog.

[Oh, The Joys]

Oh. My. Got.

I have been totally out of pocket with work, The Mayor's broken arm and sh*t.

Congratulations!!!!!

And as for foisting the kid off... I owe you, man. I mean, I'm good for licorice and gummi candy for like, another two years.

[jenn]

So many of your other readers have said what I feel. #3 is a blessing. Our third is the sweetest, kindest peacemaker. And the transition from 1 to 2 was much harder than the transition from 2 to 3. Adding a 3rd was no problem at all, once I figured out how to fit 3 carseats without buying a minivan.

[Lara]

if you have twins, can i have one? ;)

[mothergoosemouse]

You know that I know almost exactly where you're coming from.

Except I like being a million miles away from family. Go figure.

[the new girl]

Subliminal*comehome*advertising*I'll babysit* Alert.

Just think of all the Valentines you're going to get in years to come.

Or. Something.

You future mini-van driver, you.

[Mayo]

As a new mama of a third bundle--the other two are 40 months and almost two years!--I get the freak out. I don't think I got excited about the new baby until, oh, about two weeks ago. Congrats and it will work out--with lots of liquor, that is!

[Casie]

Congratulations from the pacific northwest!! I think you should have quads. Just kidding, I am pregnant right now too (12 weeks, with #2) and even though my first ultrasound said one baby, I am still freaking out that they will find another one living in my liver.

[rookiemom]

Yea, I totally freaked out too. When I found out about mine, that is. And! It didn't make me feel any better that everyone (EVERYONE) that I told, the first thing out of their mouths was the first thing I uttered, while huddled on the toilet at 3 am.

"Holy shit."

I guess that is the accepted phrase for finding out there's a baby coming.

Just breathe. It's never as bad as you think it will be.

[Mom101]

You sound oddly like a pregnant woman.

Remind me to show you my freak-out journal sometime, the first week I found out about Sage. It's not pretty. We're here for ya, lady.

[Nancy]

Holy crap -- how did I miss this big news?

Ambivalence can become something much more. Just consider Julie. :-)

[J from Ireland]

Aw you poor thing, My 3rd baby was a suprise and I spoke of similar worries to my doctor, He the father of 5, said "don't worry, the third child thrives on neglect".

[Gwen]

What you can actually plan to have a baby instead of it being a total surprise? :P I hear you on the HGh levels. You want it to keep getting higher the way it is supposed to and not too high. Sigh, at least you can blog about it. I might have to start a secret pregnancy blog the next time so I can tell the world with out telling my family for a while. Damn superstitious husband.

[Jenn]

Surfacing to say Congrats!

*heads back to my hidey hole*

[Dana]

Congratulations!

(And if it's not wrong to ask, can you send some of the freakin' water you're drinking to me?)

[b]

Remember back when you found Q and D playing together? They do that more often when mom has a baby stuck to her boob all the time.

I was two months pregnant with #3, and my husband gets a new job in a new city with NO relatives. He also would be traveling. I had horrible PPD with #2, so I was a little apprehensive, to put it mildly. The week after M arrived he went to Vegas. I thought I would die if he went to Vegas. But no, M has been the baby that has taught me the most about myself and my abilities. She has the best sense of humor and even though she's not the easiest baby, she's the easiest for me to handle because I've DONE this before.

[Arkie Mama]

Was going to comment last night — after I recovered from the "whoa-holy-shit" moment, but chaos erupted in the home and, etc... etc...

Anyway, CONGRATULATIONS!

I can imagine the ambivalence, but agree with the others that you will be up to managing three with a sense of humor intact. And just think, you'll have an even bigger bathroom audience.

[Kelly]

I've always heard that the 3rd is the easiest, so things shouldn't be nearly as bad as with your first two.
I was sitting this morning, thinking about your family and how closely our kids are in age (mine are 3.5yrs and 14mo) and I realized that were I in your shoes and pregnant with another... we'd do ok. Even now, things are so much easier with the older one, and almost a year from now things are going to be even more that much better. Your oldest will be that much more independent, that much more used to having a younger sibling to help/play with, and your current youngest will be at a good age to have someone new to experience. I really do believe I'd be ok, and I believe that you are going to be ok too.

[Heather]

I think every woman freaks out at least a little no matter if she planned a pregnancy or not. It's a huge deal having a baby, or another baby. We freak out, then it all turns out okay anyway.

[Jenn Guarracino]

I learned a few things yesterday- first being your fantastically shocking news and the other being what a delurker is- and that I am one.

Congratulations!!! Holy Shit, indeed!

Side note on me, other than being a delurker: I freaked when I found out I was pregs last year- and she was our first and planned. I just didn't know how fast it could all go down. I didn't shake it until well into the second trimester. Just go with it. And let the whole thing take it's course.

You know the drill and even though there is uncertainty with another babe(s) on the way- you have great kids, a loving husband, a kick ass sense of humor and tons of support (even if few are just showing their 'face'). We have to get you moved closer to some fam or viable options to hop in and help before you turn to the 'ratzi for management. But we have 9 months, huh?! Chin up.

[Grandmere]

I can tell you one thing...and I know this from experience and didn't believe it altho my fiiends with 3 kids guaranteed it was so....the third one makes his/her own place in the world, They fit in! The third child is usually the most balanced, sweetest and easy going little person in the world,. One of my friends said...bonus baby...the best!

And my third was.....and still is...even in her 30s.

[BOSSY]

Bossy leaves you alone for two seconds and look what happens. Geesh. But congratulations!

[Mara]

Yet another un-lurker here. I just got my positive test too, yesterday-- we must be due around the same time.

hCG can vary tremendously from woman to woman... they are generally checking for the ratio between the two tests rather than an absolute value. I think every pregnant woman is convinced at some point that she's carrying twins.

Congratulations!

[The Other Sister-in-Law]

Well, how far along would you be now? From what I've read, 4590 is within the normal range of 3-4 weeks (3-4 weeks: 500-6,000 mIU/ml
). My unscientific guess is that you are in the normal range for a single baby. And all my years of non-medical expertise can back me up on that.

:0)

Seriously, I have no idea, but I can't wait to hear about the next set of numbers. Hope you're feeling better!

[Amy H]

When I saw the positive test the day after Avery's 1st birthday I cried. Not the same happy cry as the first time I got pregnant. All I could think of was that it was a career limiting move (I work outside of the home) because I just got a promotion the month before. And I also couldn't get over the fact that daycare is going to cost us almost $1500 a month. Plus, with Avery being so young I thought we were robbing her of her time as a baby and how unfair this was to her. And I knew we would only have 2 children and having them so close would not allow us to savor every moment with each. I was overwhelmed. I wasn't exactly happy or excited about the pregnancy until 12 weeks when we heard the heartbeat. That is when I felt so lucky and fell in love. Now we are 4 weeks away from his arrival and I just can't wait. All of those concerns I felt in the beginning are just a memory. We'll be fine with daycare costing so much and so what if I get off the "fast track" at work. I probably won't want to be on that track anymore anyway because I look forward to recitals and sports more than corporate crap.
I am sure that you will start to feel the same way very soon.

and besides, you have all of us to use as sounding boards! :-)

[KissinBee]

After a wicked battle with post partum depression following the birth of my second baby I swore I'd never have another.

One night of drunken fun at my husband's unit Christmas party changed all that. I couldn't have been more devastated; not only was there the stress of an unplanned pregnancy but also the clenching fear that another round of PPD would kill me.

The pregnancy never settled in my mind. As I was delivering my mind was screaming "I cannot belive this is happening!" Then she was in my arms and everything suddenly felt right.

In a way having her healed all the open wounds left by my battle with depression. My marriage evolved into something I thought only happened in Family Circus comics. (With a dash of The Simpsons thrown in to keep us humble.)

Your humor will keep you sane and blogging with keep you honest. Hang in there, it WILL get better.

[Amy]

I wish I was as fertile as you seem to be. However, if our plan to move to a warmer climate brings us closer to you, please allow me to be the cool "aunt" to your kids. I will take them for you, allowing you to have time to yourself so you can enjoy a cup of General Foods International Coffee and some blessed silence.

[ImpostorMom]

Shock is certainly an appropriate response especially for such an unplanned little surprise. I'm pretty sure shock was my first response and mine was planned.

I think you'll do fine. You're such a good mom as it is.

[submommy]

DH and I felt totally ambivalent about #2, he arrived in utero by surprise, and let me tell you....

The absolute joy of my life. He was absolutely, positively, without question, meant to be. And meant to be with us.

But go ahead and freak out now. No one will think you're a sissy, trust me.

:)

[Melissa]

Wow - congrats! I actually just found your blog and have started reading - I'm a new mom and love your blog!

I feel overwhelmed with just one so I can't imagine what multiples are like!

[kyra]

oH MY GOODNESS!!!! holy shit and a bucket full of congratulations from fluffy central! that is WONDERFUL news! just more fodder for your wild, reckless and wonderfully hysterical writing. we are always greedy for more! have twins! triplets!

[Melissa P.]

WOW!
CONGRATULATIONS KRISTEN!
Yes, you will have your hands full. Bathing is so overrated. ha
ha ha
I hope you will allow yourself some nanny or sitter help. Perhaps a good time for Quinlan to start preschool?

[tracey]

Hey, Surprise babies are surprises. You're entitled to freak out. Things will work out. You'll have crazed times and wonderful times, as you already know.

Here's to hoping for more wonderful for you!

[TheFeministBreeder]

I guess I've been gone awhile. This whole pregnancy thing is news to me. Congratulations!

[FishyGirl]

1. The adjustment from 2-3 really is the easiest one of all. Well, of the adjustments from 1-2, 2-3, and 3-4, it is. I have no idea if more than that is easier, but I have no intention of finding out.

2. My third is the Sunniest, happiest, most lovely child and is the best companion. Yours will be, too. In my experience (and those of several of my friends with lots of kids) third kids learn to be mellow and patient fairly early.

3. Drew and Quinlan will become VERY CLOSE because of this.

4. Preschool and Mothers-Day-Out programs are your friend. You need to make sure you take time for yourself.

5. You will never lack for blog fodder.

6. Freak the fuck out for as long as is necessary for you to come to terms with it. I did. Sunny was a complete shock - complete - and when I called told DH I was pregnant I was hysterical and asking "What are we going to DO??" and he mildly said "Um, hon, you're going to have a baby." And I did. And it was fine. Good even. But scary at the time. And we'll all be here for you, whatever you need.

[juliamarlene]

Holy crap! I just read Angela's comment. Can you imagine, tandum nursing. Oh my gosh. She's right, you'd have every right to totally freak out. Ugh, as much as I enjoy nursing I couldn't imagine having two of them rooting around and staring me down as their meal ticket. Yikes.

[Dani]

We're working on trying for our second and every now and then I freak the hell out at just the thought of two. Ambivalence is normal. Let's face it, insanity is normal, you'll be fine.
I've been reading you for awhile and you are a strong, capable, fabulous mom. You'll do great with three.

[Awesome Mom]

I can't blame you for feeling so ambivalent. It is a crazy and exciting thing to have sprung on you. I am sure that you will manage and that the little one will be just as loved as your other two.

[Angela]

I'd say that beta looks mighty healthy! Hard to say how many are in there based on that since you're not entirely sure of how many DPO you are (right?) But if you do end up with more than one, feel free to freak out completely for a while. I certainly would!

But you're going to be just fine! Will your first be ready to go to preschool for a few hours a day by the time you have the 3rd? Seems like she'd be getting close. hang in there! You've got a LOT of folks rooting for you! (in a totally non-nursing kind of way of course... only have a few rooting in that way...)

[Manic Mommy]

We're goin' for it! I hear the same thing: that the third is a piece of cake. Hope so, cause 1 to 2 blew. me. away.

I hope that nice new house in Atlanta has at least three bedrooms. Just make TNG give you back all the girl stuff if the genes swing that way.

Congratulations, you'll be happy when you need to be. Right now, just be protective.

[Phoenix]

I think that's why we stay pregnant for so long, to get used to the idea. You're a great mom and I know you'll be great with three kids. The fear is understandable though. Keep talking about it...it'll get easier.

A fall baby...squeeee. Sorry couldn't help that. :)

[mamatulip]

I know you're freaking out and believe me, I would be too -- and if I lived in the same country as you I'd be there in a heartbeat to help out, believe you me. I'd come and take one of your kids for long, extended periods of time, because I have always wanted three kids (I know, I'm certifiable) and I seriously don't see that happening in our future. So hang in there and know that if you're ever in the Great White North, you've got a babysitter right here. (Now there's a reason to come to Canada, eh?)

[Fairly Odd Mother]

I agree with the other commenters---going from 2 to 3 is honestly a piece of cake. That third child seems to know that they need to behave sweetly or they may get left outside by a frantic mommy. Our house is very loud and crazy, but it is a nice number of kiddos.

[mandy]

I am SO totally excited for you and Jealous, so jealous.

You will be totally fine, just like you were fine when Drew came home. You were probably scared to be left alone with two, but then realized, HEY, I can totally handle this. See?

[Colleen]

Strangely, I was totally ambivalent (and freaking out quite a bit) when I tested positive with our second child even though we'd been planning and trying to get pregnant for months. I think it was the reality of seeing those words (PREGNANT) on the test that brought home to me how our lives were really about to change. For me it's been a difficult adjustment, having two kids, but I am so thrilled to have my little son. I wouldn't change a thing. And I imagine that no matter how difficult it might get at times for you with three, you won't want to change a thing (Except that you'll want to shower more often. And have a little more time to yourself. And read a book without pictures now and then. But, heck, there's plenty of time for that when they're in college, right?).

[NotAMeanGirl]

err.. .that was ship ... Nevermind... I can't type much less take care of 2 kids... heh

[NotAMeanGirl]

You can shi the lil bugger to me in TX if 3 is too much for you to handle! I only have one and, aparently, he NEEDS a sibling. Heh

[SciFi Dad]

While we only have one child, the emotions you're describing about adding a third seem awfully similar to the ones I had with our first. That sense of being overwhelmed, unsure of whether or not you could handle it, etc are pretty common at the outset of pregnancy, regardless of how many kids you have (will have).

Good luck. While I am sure my confidence in your abilities offer small (if any) comfort, I will still say that I believe you'll do fine.

[Lisa]

I'm not a total lurker, I've commented a few times before... mostly during contests (what can I say? I like free shit!).
Anyway, I just wanted to congratulate you. I'm sure you'll do great! I've been reading your blog long enough to know that you are a very strong woman and an incredible Mom. Things will work out well once the shock wears off! Besides,it'll make for some very interesting blog entries, I'm sure!
That will make 3 kids aged 4 & under once the baby is here, right? I know it sounds like a helluva lot, and I'm sure it is. But, I've watched several of my friends manage it and they all say that they are glad they had the kids so close together.
Me & my hubby, on the other hand... we've talked about trying for #3 before, but always decide against it. With 1 child who is handicapped (cerebral palsy) and the other being ADD, it would be ALOT of work. Plus, my boys are older - 11 & 6, At this point I couldn't imagine starting all over with a new baby. But, geesh.
Seeing tiny babies and finding out about newly prego mommas always gets my clock ticking...

[amy]

Wowzers!! Congratulations! You'll be fine :D :D :D

[Mrs. Chicken]

We were very deliberate about getting pregnant again, and still I felt all the same emotions you describe here. Once I worked through that, I was happier than I ever thought possible. You'll be OK. I have two siblings and if my mom can do it, so can you. Trust me on that one. ;)

I am your fellow soldier in the war on nausea. My midwife just prescriber 5 mg of Zertech a day (now it is OTC) and it is totally working.

Wishing you good health and high levels, but just high enough.

xoxox

[Amy]

I found, with my second, that being pregnant was excellent preparation for dealing with having another baby to deal with. By the 3rd trimester I was so unwieldy, I might as well have been carrying a baby, because I couldn't do anything normally, you know? Then I gave birth, and it was such a relief to be able to breathe and see my feet again, that having another baby wasn't so bad.

I have heard from many people that the transition from 0 - 1 is huge, the transition from 1 - 2 is big, but the transition from 2 - 3 is a piece of cake. And once you have 3, you could manage a whole baseball team's worth. You can do it.

How old will your kids be when the baby is born? I can't remember how old they are.

Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

[Kelly]

I'd freak the fuck right out too, mostly because baby number two has been such a...erm...challenge, to put it mildly. But you know what? You're gonna do just fine, make it, and even thrive some days, rather than just surviving. Some days you'll want to hide in a dark closet with a pint of Ben and Jerry's coffee heath bar crunch, yeah, but other days will be so delightful and lovely. You can do it. I'll repeat what I always say about the third babes: they're supposed to be the easiest of all. A good thing, that!

[margaret]

I found out I was pregnant with number 3 when number two was 6 months old and number one was 2. Having three under three was an adventure. But it's not as bad as you think it is.

[Tessie]

Ambivalence. The Official Emotion of pregnant women everywhere. Right on.

Congrats again!

[tori]

I forgot to say that my last baby was a surprise and when we found out, I was pretty freaked out about it. Eventually, I got over the fear part and finally made it to the "really really excited" part when he was born. No joke. Until he was born, I had no idea how much I wanted him...I think I told mothergooosemouse the same thing when she was newly pregnant. Now I can't imagine why we thought we were done before he was born because he just makes me so happy. My husband travels a lot so I am mostly on my own too, and you know what? I have no doubt that you can do this. You are a strong woman who can get things done when she needs to.

[tori]

I missed it the other day, but congratulations! I have 4 kids, and my middle two are twins, so what I am trying to say is you will do fine! Some crazy people even go on to have more than 3 babies (like me). If it were possible for me, I would probably have more. I wish I lived near you because I would be happy to help you with whichever kids you need help with when your baby comes!

[Cynthia Samuels]

Late as usual but with best wishes. Religious Jews say B'shaah tova -- which means, sort of, may it come "at the right time" I guess that's what I wish you.

Those nine months are, in addition to making you "large and unshowered", supposed to give you time to get organized and adjust. Knowing you you'll find outrageous ways to chronicle it all which will certainly help all the other panicked moms soon to move - as my friends tell me -- from "man on man" to "zone defense." I'm sure Sarah of the Goon Squad would understand that but you get the idea. You'll do it. Wonderwoman that you are. All my love.

[Angie in Texas]

all kidding aside, you're going to do great. the adjustment from 1 to 2 is *so* much harder than 2 to 3.

have a few extra bites of something/whatever for me and be thankful for the ability to get pregnant - remember there are lots of women out there who can't.

[Vicky]

If you have twins I will come down there just to gawk at you at first and then to offer help. I'll bring a case of wine or too as well.

[juliamarlene]

We found out on V-day last year that we were going to be having John D. in October. I was super excited but also freaking out and worrying about my numbers as he was baby number six for us. At this point your numbers are great! Also, my friend just had her third last summer and it seemed like less of an adjustment for them than the second one. To boot they got sent to Okinawa, Japan when their newest addition was only 2 1/2 months old. You're going to do great! Stay positive and eat and extra bite for me today. My fat ass misses being able to shovel away the food just b/c I could. =P