PSA to The Huz # 4, 519: Do Not Fuck With "The List"

If the woman gives you "the list," or in this case the "get everything on this list because it's for your son's first birthday, doof, and I know what I'm talking about" list, then you get everything on it.

That means don't just eliminate things, like matches or a lighter, because you think you can light a birthday candle with a car lighter, a toaster, and an electric stove burner.

I suppose if you lit yourself on fire doing one or all of those things, then we could light the candle off you, but that just doesn't seem right.

Or economical. 

Your son cannot sit in his booster seat with no cake for two minutes, let alone twenty while you run to a neighbor-that-you-do-not-know's house and beg for a lighter.

Because when I write something on the list, it's there for a very good reason.

Thank you very much.

Comments

[Erin Brown]

I must have gotten lucky somewhere along the line, my husband always gets what on the list for less money than I would have spent on the same stuff. He gets it and saves money while doing so! Gotta love it! =D

[Manic Mommy]

Andy never fucks with the list. He appropriately checks off the little check box that crazy anal manic mommy puts beside each item.

I also feel like less of a compulsive nag when I write it down rather than just assigning task after task.

[Stacey]

Amen! And thank you so much for putting that in writing!

Perhaps if my ex-husband had learned this very important lesson, we would still be together! (Said with sarcasm.) Although, to his credit, he would call (repeatedly) from the store, asking (stupid) questions about the items on his list. I would then write extremely detailed lists for him--brand, description of product, price, etc. Until I finally gave up and didn't send him to the store anymore. (That was probably his evil plan all along...)

[the mama bird diaries]

Oh my gosh. Could not be more true. Very funny post.

[mothergoosemouse]

I'm reminded of "The Break Up" with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn - the whole deal in the beginning with the lemons.

The point, gentlemen, is that even if you don't think every item on the list is necessary, it just might be.

[Susannah]

Ah, but then there is the flip side. When your husband calls you from the store and walks you down the cereal aisle with him. "The one with the granola thingies?" No. "The one with the almond slivers?" No. "The one with the peaches?" No. Honey Bunches of Oats is Honey Bunches of Oats, Damnit.
Or better yet when he calls you while you are on a work trip in China to find your daughter's shoes.

[Dana]

You tell 'em, sister. I'd be pissy about this, too. I hate when men use their brains. It never works out very well.

[Naomi]

I too, long ago, quit qiving him the list - - just makes more sense for me to run myself ragged getting everything accomplished.

Love your posts!

[jaelithe]

This manifesto should be printed and distributed to husbands everywhere.

(Also, I would like to point out that my own husband is not, in fact, a dick-- my husband is a nice guy-- but he sometimes does this with lists I make too, and it drives me nuts when he does. I think it's a pretty universal male trait to refuse to read/follow written directions. I am carefully training my son to read directions NOW on behalf of future women everywhere.)

[The Other Sister-in-Law]

*shakes head*

Men.

Need I say more?

[Michelle]

Do you think he would find it at all funny if you got him a shirt that had "I am a douche bag" written on the front of it?

Your needs aren't important. Your feelings aren't important. He is on a macho-trip because he has to try to prove that he isn't "whipped" or something. It's nothing but a struggle to see who has the bigger dick in your marriage. He proves every day that he *is* the bigger dick.

Sorry to be so blunt.

[motherofbun]

Gah. Reading that post gave me flashbacks of birthday parties of yore. (Blood pressure rising.)

Do you think they EVER learn?

yeah, me neither.

[Sophia]

My dh forgets to take the damn list! Thank goodness for cell phones.

[Summer]

Damn straight!

[Amy]

P.S. If you don't want to burn your fingers you can light a piece of dry spaghetti from the electric stove burner (I've done that too) and use it to light the candles. Actually, using a lit piece of dry spaghetti is a good way to light all your birthday candles, assuming you don't mind a little bit of burnt dried spaghetti on your cake.

[Amy]

You can totally light a candle from the electric stove burner. I've done it.

Every time someone in our house has a birthday, and I search for the thingie we use to light the fireplace, I say, "Damn, I wish I still smoked."

[Christy]

Heh. Men. They *never* understand the list.

[submommy]

Yeah. The List. Yeah. Definitely.

I took over the time he "forgot" tampons.

[Heather]

Sometimes husbands forget how super intelligent us wives really are.

[Amy]

Amen.

[Jen]

If you've seen the movie Weatherman with Nicholas Cage - you'll understand this obscure reference:

"AND DON'T FORGET THE TARTER SAUCE"

[J from Ireland]

Ha ha ha very funny, very true, no messing with "the list"