Don't Be Fooled by the Little Rock That I Got

I admit to whining about this move. So sue me. But leave it to a few punchy readers, and a wise and extremely gorgeous woman who shared with me her Darfur Theory of Moving to put me in my place.

Basically, if you're not moving to Darfur, then you've probably got it pretty damn good. 

That or Mississippi. The stretch of stinky catfish farms they call "landscape" down there is pretty damn close to an African desert. Except I think the desert is actually prettier and doesn't stink as much.

So when people ask me if I like Little Rock, it's a pretty simple answer.

Now don't get me wrong. There are definitely some downsides to living here, including some pretty treacherous roads and a whole lot of religion. But considering I don't listen to the radio anyway, and obviously don't watch television anymore, it's not such a big deal. And while my particular town (north of the city) is dry, that just means I can't get an Ultimate Mudslide with my TGIF 3-course special.

But since the last time I set foot in a TGIF a waitress dropped a bar glass on my foot which ended with me requiring eight nasty and painful stitches, I'm okay with not having to eat at TGIF.

See. Little Rock has my safety in mind. Plus, with all the people praying on the radio and the television, that's got to provide some type of heightened protection.

And if want to eat anywhere else, I can just load up before I go. Very economical, this city. 

Aside from my safety and my bank account, Little Rock is very concerned with my appearance. They've conveniently placed some type of waterfall, pond, or miniature lake in all their Asian restaurants so instead of stuffing my face with white rice and teriyaki chicken, I'm running after my two children who think that they need to catch their own sushi fish and swim for change to tip the chef.

Plus, thanks to the the base gym, I can drag the two kids along and run on the treadmill while they chase each other in the fenced in "family work out" room. Imagine a Medieval Times type set up, except instead of eating large turkey thighs, you're trying to work yours off all while your fellow mothers are yelling threats like "Don't make me get off this bicycle, little boy" while your kids try to avoid getting rammed by some wild children with large square shaped mats.

And what I can only attribute to nothing short of a miracle, I scored a pedicure and hair cut appointment at the town's best spa on a short notice Saturday morning.

I hear you, Little Rock. Those feet were pretty damn scary. 

So not only am I thinner, a bit scared of some of the base wives, and nicely coiffed and scrubbed, within the three weeks that I have been here I've virtually met some extremely friendly bloggers, one of which sent my blog to the Democrat-Gazette for a feature article in the family section.

Hello, gorgeous and impeccably dressed Democrat-Gazette readers! Not only am I a yeller, but a thief as well! So glad to know you.

I have received cheers and congratulations for my new favorite shirt because apparently Arkansas does not heart Huckabee. Who knew?

And if that's not enough, almost every single person I've met or emailed with here in the city, including well-known sex author Suzi Parker, has told me that my name is terribly familiar. Like they know me.

That's because Little Rock loves me so much, they have a store named in my honor.

I guess the "E" in my name messed up my chances of getting a discount. But if you're in the market for a Lacoste shirt in Little Rock, that is the place to go, my friends. I always knew I had very expensive, preppy taste hidden under my printed tee-shirt, dirty jeans, and free ghetto pedicure flip flops (that aren't really for going out in public except I'm a dork -- hence this photo opp).

So thanks for the welcome, Little Rock. Hell, without the southern accents and Waffle Houses, you could pass for Jersey.

Comments

[Steve]

Little Rock I hear has charm to it.

[Kristin]

I just moved from SF Bay Area to the Houston, Texas area. This is about as Honkytonk as I've ever been, but then, it's also really nice. I can't complain, but I do, just because it's different and sometimes different is weird and when things are weird people tend to think it's you that's weird, not them. Isn't that weird?

[Debbie in the UK]

Forgive me for being a bit stupid, but when you say your town is DRY I gather you don't mean that you just never get any rain right? You mean there IS NO ALCOHOL. Please tell me this is not true. I didn't believe that anywhere in the whole wide world had a law not permitting alcohol. I so COULD NOT live there (slurping on vodka and coke)!

Debbie

[Izzy]

My son is very intrigued by your shirt. Or maybe it's your boobs. Hard to say :)

[GIRL'S GONE CHILD]

Classic. Although it looks like the Kristin Chase store could use some Kristen Chase style tips. (Are those white tapered pants I see to your right?)

[ecky]

I love the t-shirt and surely you look thinner ;)

Btw, the pose in front of "your store" was awesome! lol

[Assertagirl]

I love that t-shirt and I'm extremely jealous of the flip-flops, which I won't be able to wear for three or four months, yet.

[Patricia]

I've done every job in the world it seems, raising kids is by far the most difficult. Add a move to the agenda and most men I know would turn into 7-year olds themselves, crying out for their mommies.

I am awaiting divorce stuff and soon moving into a 400sf apartment. I choose that over hefty real estate with half-gallon scotch a day drinkin' man.

I've done alot, look good at 50, and with wisdom from experience, I still believe raising childs is tuffer than it all.

There is a good side though. My 28 year old kid is a darn-cute walking widget of a woman and I know her stories cuz' I helped make them.

Pat yourself on the back, this is the best and hardest job in the world being you, bein' the mommy.

Patricia,
So Cal Girl New To Albuquerque
dPatriciaDesigns@aol.com

[Girl con Queso]

Skkkiiiiiinnnyyy! In a good way. Wow! You are looking great! So Little Rock must agree with you somewhat...

[Michelle]

Ah Jesus. You can complain all you want. Hell, it's not like you have to go begging for food in the streets or start giving handjobs to trannies for rent money to have something to complain about. We all got problems. We understand. Now if you were complaining that you couldn't get your bodyguard to bring you a Venti soy latte instead of a grande latte, then we would point and laugh and tell you to get some perspective.

You know what's funny about dry towns? They sell fucking vanilla fucking 35% alcohol extract in their supermarkets. Dumb hicks.

And they usually have "cooking wine" on the shelves. Now the "really pious" will get their twats in a wad about that and start throwing their bibles at Walmart about it, and it gets removed.

Sounds like a charming town, dear.

[Mom101]

Wait, you're surviving all that in a DRY TOWN.

What are the sainthood qualifications again? And still can you get it if you steal ducks?

[The Other Sister-in-Law]

I can't believe there is a store with your name (or very, very close at least.) That's so cool!

[Damselfly]

Why, you make it sound so ... so charming!

Gotta love that a store has your name!

[Arkie Mama]

Am still laughing -- LOVE the KC photo -- I didn't even think about the name thing!

Kyran's right. I moved to Arkansas in 1999. Moved back to Texas in 2004-2005. Moved here AGAIN in the fall of 2005.

My husband has suggested buying a house in that dry county. After I laughed myself into a stupor, I told him if he wants to keep me, there will be no more talk of that.

As for that spa -- they've seen my feet. Anyone else's would look spectacular by comparison.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

HA. I suppose it's all relative.

keep in mind I'm very tall. so the extra 15lbs I'm still carrying are spread out.

but still there.

but thanks. it's nice to hear. particularly after some relative of mine joked about cutting my stomach fat off.

and no I'm not talking about my inlaws.

[Amy H]

I think what impresses me most about these pictures is how skinny you are after 2 kids! you always make yourself out to be much bigger than that. :-)

[mothergoosemouse]

Did I not tell you how svelte you look?!

But what's this about a dry county? And I thought it was a sacrifice to go without draft beer when I was TDY to Maxwell/Gunter. Hats off to you.

[mamatulip]

Forget Little Rock, let's talk about you and how totally smokin' hot you look! Rawr!

[submommy]

Irony:

Bud Lite neon lights in a chain restaurant located in a dry county. They can advertise, but not actually SELL me anything. Don't tease me. (Business trip to KY in '01)

[Christina]

A dry county? Oh, you poor thing. That part of living in LR would suck.

But apparently it's treating you pretty well, because damn you look hot! You're making me want to get off the couch and do an exercise video out of envy.

[Oh, The Joys]

Gurl, you are looking HOT!! Go ON with your gym using self!!

[motherbumper]

look at me, all righteous about spelling and my comment chock full of mistakes! Me not so smart this morning ;)

[motherbumper]

OK, so they spelled your name wrong but really now, what did you expect. Thank goodness they now how to honor talent when it comes to town.

(and dry? DRY? I spent two months in a dry area of Texas and I thought my head was going to blow off).

[Christy]

That is great!! I love that you got a shot in front of KC! :)

Yeah. The Dry Counties suck. I don't miss that part at all.

And no, most folks from central AR do NOT "hear Huckabee". I even worked for the man (gov's office) and I don't Heart him.

(I LOVE LOVE LOVE Suzi's book, btw!)

[Marketing Mommy]

I was recruited for a really cool-sounding job in NW Arkansas (aka Walmartland) and my husband and I considered it for about 3 hours before we remembered we're Jewish.

[emery jo]

Are you aware of what is going on in Darfur? You have implied that Mississippi is just as bad- that Darfur might actually be better due to the landscape? I know you were just trying to be funny... and I'm probably just being oversensitive... heck, maybe I misunderstood what you were saying... but genocide just doesn't seem like a very humorous thing to me.

Sorry to be snarky, I can imagine the move is difficult, but the comment just rubbed me the wrong way and I had to say it.

[Amy [Taste Like Crazy]]

You're making me homesick. :(

[the new girl]

HAHAHAHAHA!

I looooove the pose in front of the store, dude.

Hilarious.

[kyran]

Give us five more months, and hubs'll be heading back to Atlanta without you. :-)

I said I'd give Little Rock six weeks. That was 1996. It's the Hotel Freakin California.

xo