The Topside[r] of Disaster

When exactly did we start taking our fashion cues from boat enthusiasts? I suppose if we all lived in Water World it would make sense. But then I would just live in a pair of flippers, because quite frankly I think they are actually more attractive than the new popular shoe of choice.

Sperry Topsiders.

Have you seen this madness?

I noticed them on a few errant teenage girls, but just chalked it up to the South (like every other questionable fashion blunder choice I encounter around here) and went on my way. But when I recently visited every 14-year-old's favorite shop "Journeys" (thanks to my three-year-old who couldn't take her eyes off the pink Vans) and saw the shelves stacked with them, my worst fear was confirmed.

They are "in." Or wait, is it "back in?"

Either way, it's pretty fucking scary.

Far be it from me to judge what has got to be extremely comfortable footwear. I mean, if almost every single 65 year old man in my family owns a pair and my heinously unfashionable dad lived in them, they've got to be light on the tootsies -- especially for quickly maneuvering from the bow to the stern of your yacht.

Exactly what young 16-somethings are looking for in a shoe.

But clearly if we're all looking to AARP instead of Bazaar for style hints, then why not go for shiny cordovan loafers with tassels? I mean those are at least barely attractive and somewhat flattering on old greasy men. But topsiders, docksiders or "boat shoes," as my dad called them, have absolutely no aesthetic appeal whatsoever.

None. Nada. 

But wait you say, what about pink? or better purple? Oh right, because a purple shapeless leather boat shoe with annoying leather laces that never stay tied is soooo much better. I might as well just go buy a pair of purple crocs. At least those were not popularized by the senior citizens of America.

An no offense to the great-grandparents of this world, but what's next? Reading glasses? Applique sweaters? Depends?

The next thing we know, these damn shoes will be back in style and our kids will be begging us to drag them out of the deep recesses of our closets.

Not that anyone I know *cough* owned a pair.   

Comments

[Edgar]

I'm 16 years old and I disagree with all the comments! I think topsiders are pretty cool, I have two pairs!!

[b*babbler]

Nooooooo...

Say it ain't so!

[haley-o]

Oh no.... not the "shapeless leather boat shoe with annoying leather laces"!?!? They haven't hit Toronto yet -- haven't seen 'em. But, oh the DREAD!

[Redneck Mommy]

Those shoes actually look kinda cute. But don't mind me...I'm the chick that wears cowboy boots every damn day...even with sweatpants.

High class, I ain't.

[Submommy]

Umm, I'd rather wear my Crocs, too.

[dana]

Oh Gawrsh...I remember *those shoes*...I gave mine to my mother after high school graduation. AND SHE WEARS THEM!

[JM]

I just hope that Yo-Yos (the shoes) don't ever come back.

I used to wear those bluchers and they were not comfortable at all. At the end of the day, your heels would be killing you.

[Marketing Mommy]

I was a little young for topsiders, but I did have bright white knockoff Keds. They looked bitchin' with some double-decker socks.

And I hope I don't have to tell you that the socks were perfectly coordinated to match my t-shirt. With shoulder pads.

Do they still make PermaSoft shampoo?

[Suebob Davis]

Oh I totally went through a Topsider phase and I am OLD. We called them "Docksiders" though, because none of us sailed.

They really aren't very comfy. No give and not much arch support.

[Stimey]

Egads! The pink ones are worse than the first photo.

[milf gone wild]

I don't know, surely Crocs are by far the most heinous shoes known to man?

[milf gone wild]

Surely Crocs are far and away the ugliest footwear ever?

[Stacey]

Hey! I have a pair of those in my closet from about a 10 years ago. Never worn. I wonder how much I can get for them on ebay?

[Amy]

You know what this means don't you?

"Duck shoes" are next.

hold me.

(oooohh! i tried to find a suitable image and only came across this, which is just forty shades of wrong : http://www.gii.in/fun/images/Nike_human_shoes1.jpg )

[Michelle]

Please just don't bring back the Izod shirt with the collar turned up and the bi-level haircut! That's only ok for the ladies who like other ladies (not that there's anything wrong with that).

And I would never date a boy who wore those gawd-awful shoes and no socks! Eewww!

Remember parachute pants? Why haven't those things come back yet? There are plenty of places for kids to hide their drugs and condoms in them.

Oh, and I showed my 13-year old some Culture Club videos. She still hasn't stopped giving me the stink eye.

[mayberry]

Time to dig out our whale-appliqued D-ring belts, I guess!

[mothergoosemouse]

I'm waiting for penny loafers to come back into style. Those were my mainstay, complete with pennies dated from the year I was born.

[Melissa P.]

I wore those shoes for along time.
Am I old or what?

[Julie Pippert]

Back in and I for one am fine with it. Out with the high-heeled pointy toed instruments of torture and in with the safe and comfy shoe!

Of course they never went "out" here, where we DO actually take our fashion cues from boaters. Of course, mostly everyone here IS a boater since it's coastal and all.

So lots of Jimmy Buffet lookalikes. Including me.

;)

Julie
Using My Words
http://theartfulflower.blogspot.com

[Kaely]

Aww, look Eastlands! *sigh* I remember going through a whole "I want to look like I'm going yachting all the time" fashion period. I wore a lot of navy that year and had a midi-blouse (or four). It was a good year for hats though.

[FishyGirl]

*giggle, snort* You mean those things are in again? HAHAHAHA. And here I thought I'd graduated somewhere along the line here, really, just about 20 years ago.

Oy.

[Hyphen Mama]

YUP, we wore Sperry Topsiders in highschool. In the "cool" colors. With that special little shoe lace wrap.
LMAO that they're back "in".

[angie]

I remember when I was in high school how popular docksiders were. Hot on their heels were those loafers you are talking about. I owned a pair of penny loafers and tassle loafers, but never the docksiders. That preppy stuff was really dominant in the early to mid-eighties, before truly frightening fashion (Madonna anyone?) took over.

[ImpostorMom]

I was thinking, the next thing you know is that sebagos are going to be in style again and then we'll be forced to remember how to tie the laces into those little coils. *shudder*

[Christy]

My hubs lived in a pair of "deck shoes" all through high school. Deck Shoes (w/no socks of course), Jean Shorts, and a Concert T-Shirt (usually Kurt Cobain or NIN).

I know, I know. Back off ladies. He's mine.

[Nancy]

OMG, I'd forgotten all about Those Damn Shoes. Wow. I can't decide if those are uglier than docksiders (boat shoes) or slightly more attractive. Either way, I'm done with that phase of footware.

[WhyMommy]

Oh, the picture of "those damn shoes" brought back memories. I was the first kid in my class to have them (I summered up North; we lived down South. Enough said) and wore (a series of them) for years. (Probably actually the same pair most of the time, but they get soooo comfy when they're worn, don't they?)

Now you're making me miss them.

Kristen!

[Kristen]

Um. Swatch watches are still rad, dude.

Way better than topsiders anyday.

[Queen of Shake Shake]

Just goes to prove not every dumb thing you think you see is due to living in the South.

Dumb people live everywhere.

I don't have a problem with the shoes. Then again, I live in a coastal town with lots of boats.

I have to ask...what do YOU think would be a more acceptable fashion statement for teenagers? Because I remember when high tops were IT, along with Coca Cola shirts and swatch watches. And we thought we were so hip.

[Michelle]

You know you want a pair of elastic-waist soft denim trousers and a striped button-up blouse to go with those shoes, right?

You know you wanna look like Ruth Fisher from "Six Feet Under", don't you?

Shapeless denim skirts are so *in*. And they look so good with topsiders. And your hubby can go down to the Sears and get him a pair of Sansabelt slacks. I think the "stretch denim" would be a nice choice. You too will be so cute together, holding each other's teeth at the movies, digging popcorn out of them.

No wait, that's my parents. ;-)

[Kristen]

HAHAHAHAHA Karen. That it is awesome.

[Emily]

I REALLY hope that the old Eastlands don't come back around - I practically lived in mine back in the day (along with the obligatory promotional Eastland tee shirt - 2 sizes too big - and my 2 button paper bag waist jeans. Yeah, I was rockin the catwalk!)...

[canape]

On the bright side, my husband never threw his out the first time. So he's set.

Great.

[Mrs. Chicken's Sister]

My dad lived in Sperry topsiders. Lived in them.

And my husband still wears LL Bean camp shoes, with the funny doo-hickeys wrapped from the laces hanging from the sides, instead of tying them. He makes me order him a new pair every five years, and I have to do the laces b/c "his girlfriends" always did them for him in high school, so he doesn't know how.

Sad.